16-31 January, 2002

This entry was posted on
Wednesday, January 16th, 2002
at
9:08 am and is filed
under Uncategorized.

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Date
20020116

Time
09:08


Hey, I finally won a Photoshopping competition over at Fark! And there’s a prize this time!

It’s a pretty average prize and I’m taking part in The Great Fark Sellout of 2002, but it’s a prize just the same.

A good start to the morning. Let’s see what other trouble I can get into today….

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Date
20020116

Time
10:43
Bloggercode is now much more useful with this decoder.

Cut and paste this into it for a peek at my brain:

B1 d++ t+ k+ s++ u– f++ i o+ x– e- l c–

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Date
20020116

Time
10:47
Porn falls behind in web usage statistics. Article also claims that many web users prefer gambling to porn.

I wouldn’t bet on that…

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Date
20020116

Time
10:49
Dear Dog, what was this woman thinking? Does she actually have any internal organs?

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Date
20020116

Time
10:53
The UK couple who abandoned their baby near Faro airport in Portugal have been questioned by police. Nobody’s sure if charges can/will be laid yet, but if they have problems with this, perhaps police can ‘Capone‘ the two by investigating their timeshare selling activities.

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Date
20020116

Time
12:23
Ah me, ah my. Monkeys. Is there anything they can’t do?

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Date
20020116

Time
13:27
You’ve no doubt seen widespread coverage of the whole ‘willy in the Euro’ thing. Sorry everyone, but I saw it first. Nerny, nerny, ner-ner, etc.

Oh, while we’re on the subject, New Scientist have just reported that the coin doesn’t flip fairly, and comes up ‘heads’ more often. Must have something to do with that large floppy willy on the ‘tails’ side weighing it down.

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Date
20020116
Latest Viral Agent
Time
14:21
Overcome nonsense in the workplace with, erm, custard pies. This new flash game from BT is meant to make you think what a good idea BT’s ‘real connections and real results’ are as you dodge and splat IT Consultants, Team Builders, Management Consultants and Feng Shui Gurus. I have a feeling that something went astray somewhere between the concept and the execution, but one good thing about the game is the entry format. A lot of recent games have offered prizes only for entrants with top ranking scores, thereby alienating about 99% of their potential opt-in database. This one not only lets you enter no matter what your score, but also increases your chances of winning when you forward your score to friends (and thereby spread the virus as your throw down the gauntlet).

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Date
20020116

Time
14:59
Nothing could be more typical of London.

Council issues £60 parking fine to toddler with pedal car.

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Date
20020116
Adam Ant – Again
Time
15:49
Let me get this straight; Adam Ant made a rambling, incoherent call to both The Sun and The Mirror protesting his incarceration in a mental ward? Clinically depressed he may be, but he’s not doing himself any favours…

Tell you what; let’s all cheer him up by buying his album.

(US buyers might want to click here.)

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Date
20020116

Time
16:37
Talking scales call man a ‘fat pig’. Teen hackers blamed.

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Date
20020117

Time
09:15
I was a 20-something dethroned dotcom CEO that went to work the counter at McDonald’s. He’s got the fry-basket burn to prove it, too.

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Date
20020117

Time
09:16
Osama bin Laden has escaped Afghanistan to regions unknown. CIA urges citizens to look under their beds.

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Date
20020117

Time
09:19
According to the United States Code 18 USC Sec. 871, it is a federal offence to send threatening messages to the President. Does that include sending him pretzels?

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Date
20020117

Time
12:03
A plaque intended as a gift from the city of Lauderhill, Florida to James Earl Jones (who’s already slated as the voice of Darth Vader for Star Wars Ep III, by the way), arrived in plenty of time for his appearance at the city’s annual Martin Luther King celebration. The only problem was that the company who made the plaque mistakenly used the name ‘James Earl Ray’. James Earl Ray was the man who shot and killed King in 1968. Oops.

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Date
20020117

Time
12:17
The Space Robots are here to protect you from the terrible secret of space. See what happens when push comes to shove.

(Yes, you do recognise that musical style and they are indeed the nutbags behind the AYB soundtrack. Buy some of their music and keep them of the streets, FFS!)

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Date
20020117

Time
14:41
Let me get something straight here; Viz is only funny (and might I add, not as funny as it used to be) because they actually managed to get their rubbish into print. This isn’t funny at all. No, I’m serious – don’t click on the link. Right now I’m not even sure why I’m blogging it in the first place, but I certainly don’t want to go back and touch the URL again – even to delete it. Ewww!

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Date
20020117

Time
15:42
So much for our ‘special relationship’. Time magazine just released a comparitive city-by-city report of terrorism readiness. Nothing outside the US rates a mention.

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Date
20020117

Time
15:47
British camera crew hopes to capture photographic proof of doorway leading to another dimension. Expedition to New Jersey begins well with drinks on the plane.

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Date
20020117

Time
16:03
AOL actually have a section on newsgroup etiquette. Hard to believe, I know.

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Date
20020117

Time
16:16
Only you can help stop Word attachments.

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Date
20020117

Time
16:29
Best Photoshop competition ever is on now over at Worth1000: ‘What if Superheroes had Day Jobs?’

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Date
20020117

Time
17:12


Out of all the dead weblogs, I miss Caroline Casey’s the most.

*sigh*

(BTW, you don’t need to point out that the f**ked weblog site is f**ked itself. I understand irony.)

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Date
20020118

Time
09:55
Into Xiao stick figure action? Here’s the whole collection.

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Date
20020118

Time
09:58
Dying for a fag? Tried patches, gum and inhalers to no effect?

What you need is pure, wholesome Nicotine Water.

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Date
20020118

Time
10:21
Which Drink Are You? is riding pretty high in the Blogdex charts. A lot this has to do with the fact that, when you use it to find out what drink you are (I’m a Brandy Alexander, BTW) it provides you with some HTML to cut and paste into your page, so you can show the world a picture of the drink you are. This works in very much the same way as the now defunct James Bond Villain Personality Test (which also performed equally well at Blogdex). The secret is in that HTML, ladies and gentlemen. Weblogs are transient things that often change content daily, so getting 20+ people to link to you on the same day is often what it takes to get that top spot on Blogdex. Because not all blogs are powered by HTML, giving people code for something like this often calls for them to cut and paste the item outside of their transitory content where it may sit for some time, allowing you to build link popularity over a few days rather than 12-24 hours. There you go, you’ve just learned something new – now enough with the quizzes, OK?

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Date
20020118
Photoshopping
Time
10:31
What features would you like added to the next version of Photoshop?

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Date
20020118

Time
10:48
No more buyers for cool domain names. ‘Google Effect‘ blamed.

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Date
20020118
Can’t Sleep, Lizards Will Eat Me…
Time
13:30
OK, so this guy dies and his seven (count ‘em, seven) monitor lizards feast on his body. Question is, did he die of natural causes or did the lizards kill him? The Delaware state medical examiner is on the case.

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Date
20020118

Time
13:43
Another joyful link from The Ultimate Insult, and this one’s a classic.

Check out this video of a kid selling beer. It’s a 1.8MB Windows Media File, but definitely worth the download. The stunt was pulled by the eejits from The Man Show on Comedy Central.

See it today.

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Date
20020118

Time
13:54
While we’ve got you warmed up on videos, check out this fan-tast-tic piece from Industrial Light and Magic. This one’s a Quicktime file, and clocks in at a hefty 47MB. You heard me; Forty. Seven. Megabytes. Is it worth it? Hell, yes.

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Date
20020118

Time
14:08
Man, I just got my ass kicked by Jonathan Ross. Cool and easy to play flash game, this one. Looks like some actual thought went into it. Impwessive.

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Date
20020118

Time
14:26
Introducing The Tim LaHaye School of Prophecy, a ‘continuing one-year resident course of study’ taught by Tim (that’s him over there on the right) and ‘some of the most renowned Bible prophecy scholars in the world today’. They’re offering an 80% tuition scholarship to the first 500 Charter Students who enroll during this first year. Although tuition for the School of Prophecy is US$10,000, this scholarship enables the first 500 students to enroll for only US$2,000. A bargain, and no mistake. Think how much better your life would be with the power of biblical prophecy behind you. Or is that ‘in front of you’? Oh hell, I think I’ll just take my two thousand bucks and go spend it on hookers.

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Date
20020118

Time
14:47
Oops. Forgot to blog this.

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Date
20020118

Time
15:14
A mother of three children became so fed up with Jehovah’s Witnesses calling at her home that she interrupted their Sunday service by banging on their church door and offering them free magazines.

Tee-hee. Reminds me of my very first religion. In 1996 I formed The Moron’s Church of Late in the Day Satanists. The church existed primarily as a justification for giving visiting Mormons a pamphlet of my own – explaining why they shouldn’t come knocking on my door and waking me up at midday, because I not only worshipped Satan (and was therefore a lost cause) but also needed my sleep after working/partying throughout the previous night and was liable to do them serious damage if they didn’t get the fark off my porch and let me get back to bed.

It was reformed as the Church of the Blessed Cotton Socks as I got older and mellowed out a bit. I might start a better one soon, but first I have to do some calculations regarding the distance of and visibility from your standard medium earth orbit (trust me, it’s kinda important).

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Date
20020121

Time
09:23
Some mornings I wake up with an alternative version to a song and can’t get it out of my head.

Today? Me and Kirk and Bones; we got a thing goin’ on

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Date
20020121
Beta Testing
Time
09:26
Blogtrack looks kind of promising, offering as it does to scan your favourite blogs for changes. Hmm, we’ll see how it goes, but until now I’ve been using Spyonit.com and been very happy with it.

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Date
20020121

Time
09:29
Schoolchildren struggle to identify fruit and veg; do better on ‘ship, cup, speeder’ test.

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Date
20020121

Time
10:19
Wallace and Gromit back at last. World rejoices.

(See some hi-res screengrabs here).

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Date
20020121

Time
10:34
Powered human exoskeletons now a reality. Superman looking forward to ‘lots of overtime’ fighting mechanically augmented nutbags.

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Date
20020121

Time
11:19
Ho-hum. Just another day at the arse races.

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Date
20020121

Time
12:05
Aren’t you glad of the lengths the U.S. will go to to protect our ‘freedom’?

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Date
20020121

Time
12:54
Police giving a speech about drug use at a UK school brought along a sniffer dog as a visual aid. The dog sniffed out four pot smokers in the class but, disappointingly, failed to nark the teacher. Hmm, I wonder if a corgi could be trained for this kind of work?

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Date
20020121
Latest Viral Agent
Time
13:35
It’s a flash game; it’s aimed at ‘affluent women’; it has something called a ‘fur index’…

I know, I got kind of excited, too – until I found out it’s a back-waxing challenge.

Exactly what it has to do with flogging cars is anybody’s guess, but maybe you can work it out by playing Wax-A-Wimp.

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Date
20020121
Photoshopping
Time
16:48
The greatest Photoshopping comp of all time:

Something Awful Vs. Fark – to be judged by Wil Wheaton no less!

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Date
20020122

Time
09:33


A cool one to start the morning with – My Virtual Model lets you create a 3D model of yourself based on your input regarding weight, height, build, features, etc. Results vary, but mine turned out pretty realistic. In fact, for reasons of privacy I thought it best to rotate mine 180° for the screengrab (that, plus I was a little too specific in my description and my model was sporting morning wood).


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Date
20020122

Time
09:52
Apparently this is a Democracy Of Photographs. Fair enough. This is a Confederacy of Dunces.

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Date
20020122
Latest Viral Agent
Time
09:58
The email that announces this one says it all:

“Come and help Victoria rescue the hearts in the Enchanted Forest.”

Sheesh!

See Victoria Beckham’s viral thingy here.

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Date
20020122

Time
11:10
A man who tried to convince Canadian authorities he was an uppercrust Englishman suffering from memory loss may in fact be a gay porn star from France. No doubt his moustache gave him away.

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Date
20020122

Time
13:38
Those caught relieving themselves in the great outdoors in Akron, Ohio were previously charged with public indecency, but city prosecutors had trouble nailing offenders due to the burden of proof. Now they just plan on busting you for liquid littering.

“Littering provides that you may not deposit stuff on the ground — you must deposit it in a container,” explained City Prosecutor Doug Powley. Not much good if, like most repeat offenders in Akron, you don’t have a pot to piss in.

(BTW, this is the same town that last December announced the planned use of prostitution law against nude or topless dancers. Is there no end to their creativity?)

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Date
20020122

Time
13:53
LOL! Check out the top search result for ‘moustache’.

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Date
20020122

Time
14:28
My facism receptivity level is 3.4 – find out what yours is with this online version of the F Scale.

(I know I said ‘no more quizzes’, but this one is 50 years old, so deserves a break…)

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Date
20020122

Time
20:22


The world’s greatest photoshopping competition (between Fark and SomethingAwful) continues – and here I am staying late at work to compete.

Dog, how pathetic is that?

You can see my latest entry (and vote for it) by clicking here.

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Date
20020122

Time
20:26
I found the basis for the competition graphic at the awesome Ad*Access database.

Do check it out; it’s bound to keep you happy for hours.

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Date
20020123
Christianity Watch
Time
09:03


Those of us who paid attention in Sunday School will remember that the rainbow was God’s promise never to lose his temper again:

Genesis 9, Verses 14-15

“Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.”

The only problem is that those pesky homosexuals are using the Lord’s trademark ‘for un-Godly purposes’. Praise be that reclaimtherainbow.com is on the case.

(Oh, and while we’re on the subject, when I was looking for a cool picture of the aforementioned rainbow over the ark, I found this great site; Jesus, Dinosaurs and More, ‘a webpage of Scientific evidence supporting the Biblical account of Creation’.)

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Date
20020123

Time
09:23
Think the browser war is over? Think again. On Tuesday, Netscape’s parent company AOL-Time Warner sued Microsoft, seeking damages for anticompetitive behavior.

The Register has the story, as does Salon.com, the BBC, etc. etc. etc.

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Date
20020123

Time
09:37
Well, here’s a newsflash for you: living in London sucks. A survey commissioned by Mayor ‘Red’ Ken Livingstone has found, amongst other things, that 20% want to leave. I did. London is a heartless beast that sucks the life right out of you.

(Hey don’t send me hate-mail – argue about it here if you feel you must.)

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Date
20020123

Time
10:16
LOL – a cracker from August of alt.ozdebate:

“A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.”

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Date
20020123

Time
10:27
Tyson loses it. Again. (Complete with video.)

In the same article; Tyson accused of rape. Again.

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Date
20020123

Time
11:01
You’ll have to trust me when I tell you that the whole search engine thing is very, very complicated. Still, this groovy search engine relationship chart goes some way to explaining who feeds off who.

(Links to .pdf file that requires your standard Adobe reader.)

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Date
20020123

Time
11:24
Yeah, like the world needs a Random Kitten Generator. I prefer The Switchblade Kittens myself.

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Date
20020123

Time
13:07
Out-of-control gastric virus gives everyone the s**ts.

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Date
20020123

Time
16:30
What’s scarier than The Birds? The Flock Of Seagulls comeback attempt.

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Date
20020124

Time
09:25
The WayBack Machine is an awesome tool (and has been indispensable lately, especially with so many commercial sites disappearing off their servers). Amazed that this kind of thing can be done at all? Well, here’s how they did it.

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Date
20020124

Time
09:32
SarkieGit has had this feature on her site for a couple of years now – but someone brought it to my attention again yesterday and, damn it, it’s worth blogging. Watch SarkieGit cut loose on some genuine personals ads – oh, and if you have the time, dig around and see what she has to say about her sister…

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Date
20020124

Time
09:39
The guys in the building next to us are moving out, and a lot of stuff is ending up in the skip. The scavenger inside me is crying out to be cut loose – especially as the company makes composites for McLaren. I wonder if anyone would notice if I slipped an F1 shell over my old Mazda?

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Date
20020124

Time
13:22
Googlewhacking is a great new sport for those of us lucky enough to get indexed regularly by Google. I have to admit to playing around with this kind of thing for quite a while (and not just with Google), but the best I could come up with this afternoon was a possible score of 2,682,700,000 for newsgroup casuist. (Mind you, I was going for a combination that actually meant something. Check the beautiful synergy on those numbers, too…)

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Date
20020124

Time
14:55
Orbiting Space Lasers were a hoax. No free energy to be had from boiling oceans. Fish breathe a collective sigh of relief.

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Date
20020124

Time
15:19
Take a peek at Anne Frank’s diary.

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Date
20020124

Time
16:25
Send messages to MIT students sitting on the can.

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Date
20020124

Time
16:28
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na – cat flash!

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Date
20020125

Time
09:55
From Logia, the home of biblically-based food, comes The Bible Bar – a ‘complete, wholesome food jam packed with nutritional and spiritual goodness’. Mmmm, tasty!

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Date
20020125

Time
09:59
George Bush: This Is Me.

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Date
20020125

Time
10:32
Name that beer bottle? Why would I want to do that? I’m trying to give the stuff up!

Why are you tormenting me like this?

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Date
20020125

Time
10:36
Convert any picture to HTML? I’m there!

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Date
20020125

Time
10:38
There was one invention of the Egyptians that revolutionised their lives, but also ensured that most of their sociological and historial records would be lost forever. That invention was papyrus. Today, most of what we write is stored magnetically as binary code. How are we going to preserve it?

(Oh, if anyone from the future is reading this scrap of information, the rest of the weblog can be found carved on a stone tablet in the cavern of the crescent moon…)

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Date
20020125

Time
10:59
Make Wendy Craig swear. It’s only as rude as you want it to be.

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Date
20020125

Time
11:21
Well, somebody cares. The SomethingAwful Vs. Fark photoshopping smackdown just got some coverage.

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Date
20020125

Time
11:51
School bus driver takes kids on 100 mile detour.

Hard to believe? How about this… the driver’s name is ‘Otto’.

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Date
20020125

Time
11:59
Twister for consenting adults. (Bottle of baby oil optional.)

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Date
20020125

Time
13:45
Australia gets drunk, wakes up in North Atlantic.



Enjoy Australia Day, everyone!

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Date
20020125

Time
14:07
Every home needs a toilet seat lifter. I’m buying two.

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Date
20020125
Photoshopping
Time
16:49


Right, I’ve sent my last entry in for the Fark Vs. SomethingAwful photoshopping competition, then I’m giving up. That’s it. No more.

Oh, OK – maybe just one more for our esteemed judge…

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Date
20020128

Time
09:32
Here’s a head-wrecker to start your morning. See if you can say the word and not the colour.

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Date
20020128

Time
10:26
By completely missing International Internet Free day I’ve unwittingly contributed to it. Weird, huh?

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Date
20020128

Time
10:31
Getting probed could cost you dearly.

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Date
20020128

Time
10:50
Harry Pothead and the Magical Herb. Nowt to do with the prince of the same name, but funny just the same.

(Link lifted from The Ultimate Insult.)

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Date
20020128

Time
10:55
Personally, I find it quite ironic that overpaid football players get toey when people throw yet more money at them. Coincidentally, they’re having more or less the same problem over at the Milwaukee County Zoo. Monkeys fling faces, we throw money. Go figure.

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Date
20020128

Time
11:32
Kerry Packer is a rich bastard. Correction: Kerry Packer is now an even richer bastard.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020128

Time
11:39
Hear’Say hold auditions to replace Kym Marsh.

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Date
20020128

Time
11:48
It seems like this recording of a prank phone call (‘you kicked my dog’) has been around forever, but perhaps this enhanced flash version will be amusing to someone, somewhere.

(Warning: Contains a racial stereotype and plenty of dangdoodle cusswords.)

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Date
20020128
More Karate
Time
12:00
Hand Karate‘? Looks like ‘rock, paper, scissors’ to me. Still, the ‘loading’ message made me smile.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020128

Time
12:56
This is a strikingly beautiful piece of flash – and not just because it’s got Eva Herzigova in it.

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Date
20020128

Time
13:29
Vultures are circling the Queen Mother again…

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Date
20020128

Time
16:20
AmIHotOrNot – the head-to-head version.

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Date
20020128

Time
17:33
Yet another pointless time and date calculator.

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Date
20020129

Time
09:05
I weep when I think about all the time I wasted at school actually thinking that my handwriting skills were worth working on. Countless hours repetitive and pointless scribing in class. Extra exercises at home to improve my ‘sloppy’ cursive skills, not the mention the number of times written lines were doled out as punishment – and for what? So I could peck out a living at this damn keyboard?

*sigh*

Still, my mouse skills are coming along nicely. I even work out when I can.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020129

Time
09:14
Disney’s multiplayer network game ToonTown has closed down beta testing, some would think a little bit early. Why? One of the major ‘bugs’ was the player’s ability to name his or her own avatar. The internet being what it is, most of these names were very rude indeed. Disney shut down in a hurry, preferring kids to learn and share obscenities in the school playground rather than on their site.

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Date
20020129
The truth? You can’t handle the truth!
Time
09:26


This poor, deluded soul thinks that Mayor McCheese ‘is in danger of extinction’. He even bought the corporate line fed to him by McDonald’s, who emailed him with the following tosh:

“You may be interested to know that Mayor McCheese is alive and well and still presiding over McDonaldland. You may not see him as often because he stepped aside for awhile so that Ronald McDonald could introduce some of his newer friends — Birdie the Early Bird, CosMc, the McNugget Buddies, and the Happy Meal Guys. Keep your eyes out, though… you never know when he might make another appearance. In the meantime, he sends a big “hello” to you, and hopes to see you back at his favorite restaurant — McDonald’s!”

It’s my sad duty to email this individual today and inform him that Mayor McCheese (who may or may not be annoying) is dead. Congealed. Buried. Gone.



Some conspiracy theorists claim that he disappeared in a Hoffa-esque scenario when he threatened to blow the whistle on the use of the addictive drug nicotine in Happy Meals. Others claim that there was a scandal with the McDonaldland police force (whose main representative, Bic Mac, also vanished at about the same time).

Sorry kids, but this has nothing to do with it. The individuals responsible for the ultimate demise of Mayor McCheese were none other than Sid and Marty Krofft. Once a fictional character becomes a liability, their days are numbered. Welcome to the real world, and enjoy your McNuggets.

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Date
20020129

Time
11:24
Those Gods of the web over at Google have just taken a public stand against pop-up ads. Good for them.

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Date
20020129
That Didn’t Take Long…
Time
11:32
‘Tis an Automatic Googlewhacker, so it is.

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Date
20020129

Time
11:45
Look! Up in the sky! It’s spirit! It’s a toilet! It’s a flying arse! Weird.

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Date
20020129

Time
12:57
Legodeath.com – the URL says it all.

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Date
20020129

Time
16:06
Pretty clouds, suitable for wallpapering. I’m still looking for a calm, blue ocean.

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Date
20020129

Time
17:04
And to think my wife used to give me funny looks when I washed my hands after riding the tube.

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Date
20020130

Time
09:02
It’s official; men like curves.

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Date
20020130

Time
09:04
A 93-year-old woman failed her driving test by driving backward across four lanes of traffic and hitting a parked pickup truck. Big deal, it’s nowhere near the record. One of Stephen Pile’s Heroic Failures books clearly states the case of an individual who failed their driving test in less than three seconds, simply by sounding the horn to alert the examiner (who then came out to inform them that they had failed because sounding the horn in a stationary vehicle was against local traffic laws).

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Date
20020130

Time
09:19
Sadddam Hussein: music video superstar.

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Date
20020130
POW Debate
Time
09:34
A scribe for the Spectator is of the opinion that Brit journalists should pull their head in. He thinks that people in glass houses (without screen doors) shouldn’t throw stones.

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Date
20020130

Time
10:01
Something screwy is going on with the Private Eye site. Did they pay their hosting bill this month?

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Date
20020130

Time
10:08
A system in Melbourne, Australia allows drivers to use their credit cards to pay tolls via a system known as CityLink. Now ‘secure’ customer credit card numbers are turning up in all sorts of place on the Internet. The initial low-tech theft of the numbers has been tracked down to an ex-employee of Citylink, but you just know that the average Joe is going to read this and blame it on the Internet boogie-man. Ho-hum

(TANGENT: The NSW government stopped using the word ‘freeway’ way back in the early 80’s, opting instead for the term ‘expressway’. Basically, they knew toll charges would have to be introduced sometime in the future and they didn’t think that we could handle the irony…)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020130

Time
10:34
A few days ago, Cruel Site Of The Day linked to an, erm, interesting message on the NTC forums. It reads, in part:

“My dear wife has provided me with peace and total fulfilment. Following her belief that testosterone was poisonous, she instituted a milking program. Before I shower, mornings I am required to get on a small table in our bedroom and be milked. She snaps on a latex glove, lubricates it, and extends a finger up…”

I think we’d best stop there in the interests of good taste. If you want to read more, then click here to go to ntcweb.com and see the original message. If, of course, that’s OK with the folks at NTC – for at the top of the thread is a message from an NTC admin representative claiming that ‘Cruel.com is linking to this site without permission therefore they will be sued for bandwidth abuse and libel’. This is especially interesting, as he then goes on to warn those who might find the above funny that they are ‘losers’ and ‘morons’, thereby ensuring that millions of people are now going to be attracted to the site for his message alone.

This is going to get worse before it gets better…

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Date
20020130

Time
10:48
An even more advanced Googlewhacker for you to play with.

I must admit that, now it’s largely automated, a lot of fun has gone out of the game for me, but its popularity seems to be growing because of these new tools. Given the increased popularity and complete pointlessness of the activity, perhaps Google should sue for bandwidth abuse?

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Date
20020130
Bernard Shifman Update
Time
11:11
I know you’ve seen Bernard Shifman is a Moron Spammer before, but the page is worth visiting again just to see the changes wrought by the author’s newfound fame. It’s also interesting to note that Yahoo recently ranked “Bernard Shifman” the Internet’s 12th most popular search term. Can I predict here and now that he’ll be changing his name in the near future?

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Date
20020130

Time
12:09
A woman faces the sack after calling a radio phone-in quiz.

Was she supposed to be working? Yes.

Was she at work when she called? Yes.

So what’s the problem?

She’s a bloody train driver, that’s the problem!

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Date
20020130

Time
13:06
Brit couple buy French country house only to discover that they are now the proud owners of Paleolithic pornography. Isn’t it always the way?

[UPDATE – Click here to see hardcore Paleolithic pornography.]

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Date
20020130

Time
13:22
How can something so popular be so hard to sustain? Weblog Wannabe will stay live thanks to recent donations, but only for a month, and only after a short break because Firda can’t pay her connection bill on time. She’s begging for a commercial takeover, that woman.

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Date
20020130

Time
13:42
I have no idea what this is about, but I love it! Sophie Ellis Bextor will be in my nightmares tonight…

(Found on the b3ta boards.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020130
Flash Games
Time
14:39
Squirrel Golf II – sorry, but it’s just not as fun as it sounds…

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Date
20020131

Time
09:16
Farming faces a major shake-up… and here’s a picture, boys and girls.

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Date
20020131

Time
09:33
ASCII Madonna (no children at her feet, though…)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020131

Time
09:37
I love it when the little guy stands up. Telstra Exposed takes a close look at the dealings of the partially-privatised Australian telecoms provider, who’ve been overbilling and keeping a firm stranglehold on Internet access for years.

Quite coincidentally, Telstra has just released their ‘great new pricing plans’ for broadband access. Hey, at least you guys have broadband access.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020131

Time
10:17
Oh how I love The Ultimate Insult, especially when it reveals hidden gems such as this one – Mexican Midget Rodeo. Weee-hah!

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Date
20020131

Time
10:54
See the world’s greatest bus shelter.

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Date
20020131

Time
11:32
Stare Down Sally. Everybody’s playing it, but if they jumped of a bridge would you do it too? I only ask this because the damn thing looks so much like the Mum I have in my nightmares. You know the one, with the naked store mannequins and penguins that can fly.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20020131

Time
11:46
Finally, a movie quote quiz that has something to do with your sad, pathetic life.

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Date
20020131

Time
12:16
Busted! I’d type something intelligent here, but I’m too busy laughing…

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Date
20020131

Time
17:10
The train stops at a signal, some people look out the window (tum-de-tum, lah-de-dah) and OH MY GOD, LOOK! A MAN HAVING SEX WITH A GOAT!!!!

As reported in The Sun, “police switchboards were jammed as horrified commuters used their mobiles to report what they had seen”. We can only assume the driver didn’t phone it in because she was too busy calling the local radio station.

British Transport Police Detective Inspector Dave Crinnion, who investigated, said: “I saw the goat the next day — it did not seem too upset but it is difficult to tell.”

Quite.








About Tim Ireland

Tim is the sole author of Bloggerheads.
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