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Let's Get Alex Moving

Viewers of Big Brother will be more than aware of Alex's recent lack of reliable bowel activity. Such a condition is quickly and easily attributable to a combination of a sudden change in diet and/or habit, and stress (though the presence of a camera in the toilet is a contributing factor that cannot be discounted).

The ever-lovely Narinda (from Big Brother 2) continues to suffer, associated as she is with the stigma of stubborn stools. This is an association that most of viewers of the show will carry with them forever, so we are concerned not only for Alex's general well-being, but also his future as a photographic model. The last thing we want is for his career to be tainted by people wondering whether that gorgeous pout is strictly for the camera or a sign of general discomfort.

This we would consider to be extremely unfair. The producers, knowing full well that this kind of thing can happen, should have taken measures that ensured a high-fibre intake to offset the dangers of this sudden change in lifestyle and the effect it can have on one's digestive system.

Sadly, the time for dietary solutions has passed - but, while Alex has actually been in the diary room suggesting the possible need for a suppository and lubricant, affirmative action need not be this extreme. We do live in the 21st century, after all, and many far less intrusive measures are available to us. (Unless, of course, Alex would prefer a suppository - in which case we would support him wholeheartedly. At the very least, it would make for very interesting television.)

Even if Alex has experienced some relief recently, it does not necessarily mark the end of this condition. To ensure that Alex and the rest of the housemates have the opportunity to remain happy, healthy and regular, we intend to employ the following progressive plan of action.

Step One
Voice our concerns to the producers of Big Brother.

We've already emailed Endemol to advise them of our position, making very clear our intentions to escalate activities should we not see and/or be informed of immediate and decisive action. We would also urge you, the concerned viewer, to send an email yourself, expressing concern for the housemates' health. Similarly, it would also help if you could spread the word regarding this campaign (see below).

Step Two
Ensure that the correct treatment is on hand.

This morning we picked up the following range of treatments from the country's leading laxative brand, Senokot. The pharmacist quite rightly asked us why we needed so many laxatives, so we explained about the campaign. He was a Big Brother fan, and subsequently really helpful! He confirmed that 6 out 10 constipation sufferers atttribute their condition to 'changing routine, changing diet and water, or going on holiday/away from home'. He then spent the next five minutes outlining the differences between the products. Which we're now going to share with you...

Our care package includes:

Senokot Tablets (20 pack and 100 pack)
A single dose at night gives a 'predictable result by morning'.

Senokot Syrup
This was described as a 'pleasant fruit flavoured syrup' suitable for adults and children over 6 years old. So even if Alex has a problem with tablets, relief is but a spoonful away.

Senokot Granules
We liked this product the most. These are chocolate flavoured granules that can be eaten 'off the spoon, mixed with milk or sprinkled onto food'. We think they'd be pretty yummy on top of ice cream, but he'd have to keep it well clear of Alison.

The above products were then packaged and sent by courier to the producers of the show, along with a letter that, yet again, voices our concerns for Alex and the rest of the housemates. As with the email, the letter also makes clear that, unless action is taken soon, we will have no recourse but to escalate the campaign.

Step Three
Operation Enduring Obstruction

On the same shopping trip, we also picked up some extra tablets and a few tennis balls. Close followers of the show will be aware that it is relatively easy to throw or hit such a projectile well over the security cordon and into the central compound itself.

Our tennis balls, however, will contain a ray of hope. Stuffed inside each ball will be a blister-pack of 20 Senokot tablets and a photocopy of the instructions. Only one need reach a fellow housemate for Alex to finally have access to a more-than-ample course of treatment. There should even be enough left over, even in this single emergency supply, to address the discomfort of a number of other housemates.

We do not wish to encourage this kind of loutish behaviour, but as a housemate is at risk, we don't see ourselves as having much choice.

UPDATE - We've been emailed by yet another helpful pharmacist (what is it with these guys?) who informs us that sending treatments like this in such a fashion could be interpreted as 'sampling', which is little bit naughty, apparently. So, no tennis balls.

Frankly, we're quite relieved. While at the Big Brother house (see below) we got a good look at the layout and saw several good launch positions - but we also got a good look at the size of the security dogs.

Step Four
Operation Overkill

Should our efforts to place the treatments directly in the housemates' hands fail, and if the producers still refuse to address this issue, we will have no choice but to take our protest further into the public domain. Grass roots action will begin at the evictions themselves, where supporters will be present to not only hand out informative leaflets to concerned fans of the show, but also carry out a formal protest come airtime with chants, placards and at least one dog on a string.

We have the materials and a number of concerned followers on hand for this activity, but if you would also like to take part, we would welcome the support. Email us today.

UPDATE - We were there for Lynne's eviction. We not only managed to get our main placard on screen twice, but we also got a direct mention from the lovely Davina who pointed out our sign and explained; "I think it has something to do with Alex's bowels". (Quite helpful of her, we thought. Perhaps she should think about a career in pharmacy.)

We also handed out hundreds of pamphlets outlining our cause and directing people to the website. We started handing these out with the phrase 'Help Alex' and didn't get many takers, but once we started up with 'Help Alex's bowels', folks couldn't snap them up quickly enough. We ran out of pamphlets in less than three minutes.

After all of this, we still haven't heard from the producers, so it looks like we may have to start cooking up a Step Five. We welcome suggestions by email.

How To Support This Campaign

We welcome all levels of support for this campaign. Any or all of the following measures will help us to achieve our goal.

Email a Link To This Page
Even if you don't have a website or weblog, you can spread the word by emailing a link to this page to your friends and family.

Link To This Page
One of the most powerful things you can do as a site owner or weblogger is link to another site. Doing so by either or both methods below lets your audience know about our campaign.

This first link is your standard 'go and look at this' plug. How and where you do this is completely up to you, but you can cut and paste the following to make it easier if you like:

Use Our Protest Button
A nice, eye-catching way to ensure that your audience sees and understands the importance of our mission. Again, all you have to do is cut and paste the following into your weblog.

We appreciate your time, and will be publishing updates here as they happen. May your bowels remain happy and healthy.

[UPDATE - Read about our adventures at the eviction @ Big Brother: The Eviction Experience.]

[FINAL UPDATE - Hooray! Success! Big Brother did give Alex the treatment he required. Out of the choices provided, he chose the syrup and has commented on air at least twice about how tasty it is and how it didn't make his insides explode 'like you see in the movies'. We don't know what kind of movies he's been watching, but we suspect they have something to do with cliched teenage pranks. Hooray for Hollywood and visions of exploding bottoms!]

This site is in no way endorsed or recognised by Endemol, Bazal or Channel 4. You can access the official Big Brother site here.

Posted by Manic on May 31, 2002 4:38 PM in the category Consume!