16-31 January, 2003

This entry was posted on
Thursday, January 16th, 2003
at
8:51 am and is filed
under Uncategorized.

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Date
20030116

Time
08:51
Yesterday I received 5 copies of the big@boss.com virus. Today, I received 12. Here’s what you need to know, here’s the listing at Symantec, and here’s a very interesting blog entry about it.

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Date
20030116

Time
08:57
Cancer patient sues McDonald’s after peppered burrito causes nosebleed.

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Date
20030116

Time
08:59
Copyright has now been extended to 70 years after the death of the creator, but works owned by corporations are now protected for 95 years. The Supreme Court certainly knows which side their bread is buttered on.

UPDATE – Here’s another article for you to seeth over and, while we’re on the subject, here’s a very interesting take on Creative Commons. I love the steaming, hot turd-protection analogy they’ve cooked up.

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Date
20030116

Time
09:09
The Onion seems to be going from strength the strength these days:

Bush on North Korea: ‘We Must Invade Iraq’

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Date
20030116

Time
09:14
Not bad for The Times: The United States of America has gone mad.

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Date
20030116

Time
09:31
If Fark took over AOL (big download).

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Date
20030116

Time
09:32
You think you have problems? This lady has a haunted coffee pot.

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Date
20030116

Time
09:34
Given the number of kitted-out soldiers I’ve seen driving around, I’m pretty sure the anti-war protest scheduled for 15 Feb will be at least 2 weeks too late.

(Oops – did I just give away details of troop movements?)

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Date
20030116
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
11:35
[nsfw image removed]
The Blair Porn Project has got the attention of all sorts of wonderful people (just under 30,000 individual visitors so far). We also own the zone in Google, holding the top two search results for ‘blair porn’.

A lot of positive emails have been coming in, too. One of the better ones is from Fred, who writes:

“I really like your porning Tony into delivering a publicly available email address project. But your second image of the United Kingdom’s ‘special relationship’ with the United States really soft-pedals the matter. If you want to obey truth-in-imaging principles, you’d show top dog Bush mounting his lap dog, which is pretty much the situation between the former colonies and their colonial master turned colony.”

Fred goes on to note that we’ll probably get there eventually – and he’s probably right.

Oh, I also got a one-word email from my mother. It simply said: “Behave!”

Sorry Mum.

My in-laws have also heard about this, and are actually quite amused by the whole thing – but then, they haven’t seen the images. Yet. I hope I’ll still be welcome for tea this weekend.

Still no word from Downing Street about a delivery date on the email address. They didn’t send a representative to the pub yesterday, either – so today we present you with this wonderful image entitled Electric Tonyland.

His office has my number. All they have to do is call me and give me a realistic delivery date. I honestly hope they do so before I’m forced to go further.

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Date
20030116
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
12:45


The mail just arrived, and includes a letter from a chappie in the Direct Communications Unit at 10 Downing Street. It’s a response to my facsimile of 6 Jan announcing strike action at Bloggerheads.

It reads:

“The Prime Minister has asked me to thank you for your recent letter and to tell you that the views you expressed have been carefully noted.”

You would think that I would be discouraged by what looks to be a bog-standard response.

Not so. Wanna know why?

I sent that fax via the email-to-fax service I’ve been telling you about. I thought it would be irresponsible to promote it widely if it didn’t work, so I tested it. This letter confirms that the email-to-fax service does indeed work.

So, feel free to send an email to the fax machine at 10 Downing St.

Plain text only, folks – and no attachments. Downing St also request that you include your full postal address in any correspondence.

Ask when the real email address will be ready if you like, or bring up anything else that’s on your mind – just please do use this function responsibly. We want to spur them into action, not piss them off.

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Date
20030116

Time
16:17
Heh:

‘This is an unscientific, informal survey for the interest and enjoyment of TIME.com users and may not be indicative of popular opinion.’

I dunno, it looks pretty much on the money to me…

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Date
20030117

Time
08:45
By now you already know about the empty chemical warheads found by UN weapons inspectors, but did you know that Saddam is actually just doing research for a book on weapons of mass destruction?

Time to prepare for war, children. Start here, then get serious.

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Date
20030117

Time
08:51
Adult book store offers discounts to members of the clergy. A local spiritual leader was quoted as saying:

“I just hope I’m not too close when the lightning strikes.”

Whatever happened to turning the other bumcheek?

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Date
20030117

Time
08:53
British man kills himself with homemade guillotine. Did they find a copy of this on his bookshelf?

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Date
20030117

Time
08:55
Rolling Stones fan dies, misses concert. Wife turns up instead to scatter his ashes on stage. A spokesperson for the Stones said: “That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.” A spokesperson for the Stones! Perhaps the widow should have stuffed the ashes into a Mars bar first…

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Date
20030117

Time
08:59
Vagina Institute, or American Ladder Institute? Vagina Institute, or American Ladder Institute? Hell, I can’t decide. Let’s move on, shall we?

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Date
20030117

Time
09:01
Discover the hidden evil of Happy Meal Transformers.

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Date
20030117

Time
09:02
The ultimate computer peripheral.

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Date
20030117
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
09:39
Yes, it’s finally time to bring the genitalia out, but I tried to do so with a little bit of class. If you want to send copies to family and friends, then it’ll be the large version you’re after.

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Date
20030117

Time
16:28
I simply don’t believe that someone could be naive enough to think ‘Free Lollies’ is an approriate name for a kid’s clothing store – or that some questionable associations wouldn’t be made to a Kids Say The Funniest Things competition. Still, there it is in black and white, and here’s my contribution in full, living colour.

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Date
20030120
Tony Blair’s Email: The Specifications
Time
18:30

A horrible thought occurred to me in the very early hours; what happens when 10 Downing St (finally) delivers on this email service, but the result is pants?

This government has a far from exemplary record when it comes to IT delivery (though they are big on promises and attaching the letter ‘e’ to the front of everything). Also, I’ve offered the chaps in charge the benefit of my experience on numerous occasions, only to see this kind offer turned down time and again.

So…

I figured it would be simpler just to publish what I would see to be the ideal specifications. This way they can just steal what they want and claim it was their idea all along. I don’t really care, so long as the job gets done – and done properly.

In fairness, it has to be stated that the current regime at 10 Downing St has a pretty good record of replying to correspondence from members of the public by letter and facsimile, and an interesting piece of spin has come my way that one of the reasons for the hold-up on email is their wish to continue this good record when it comes to replying to emails.

Email presents several problems on this front, so what I’ll be doing is outlining each problem, assigning solutions to each of them, and building a complete solution as we go along.

Problem 1 – The Perils of a Published Address

This is the biggest problem of all, in that it opens the service up to all manner of abuse, including:

Spambots: A published address on an accessible page is sure to be gathered up by spambots (automated software programs that gather email addresses from indexed web pages). The result would be masses of spam that are sure to jam up the service. Additionally, we do not want the Prime Minister to fall afoul of Nigerian scam artists. He already has Peter Foster handling that side of things.

Viruses: Not only will the occasional tosser think it’s funny to send a virus to 10 Downing St, there are a number of viruses that – once they infect a machine – go on to send the virus to every detectable address being viewed on an open web page. The best defence against this is not to publish an unprotected address in the first place.

Dirty Pictures: Heh. Like I can talk.

Third-party Sharing: Even if the address is published in a spam-blocked or otherwise protected format, there’s nothing stopping action groups from digging this out and publishing an unprotected version on their website, opening it up all over again to the three former kinds of abuse.

Solution: The email function must be provided in a text-only form format that fully disguises the destination address (domain and all). This system must also make it impossible to dig the address out manually.

Problem 2 – The Single Synapse Theory

From thought to deed in one simple click of the wrist. A large number of the emails I’ve received that were intended for Tony Blair had been CC’ed to just about every world leader as well (whether the issue was directly relevant to them or not). Often, these emails result from an individual collecting the addresses from one activist site or another, and simply cutting and pasting them into the ‘To:’ field. Many of them are the most banal of rants that may make the sender feel better, but do nothing to maintain a viable communications channel for people with a valid reason to contact the PM.

Solution: Again, a form format with a hidden destination is the cure. Further:

Problem 3 – Downing Street Requests That You Include Your Full Name & Address With All Correspondence

And fair enough. You do want a reply, don’t you? If you don’t, you’re just pissing into the wind and deserve to be ignored. If you expect something to be done about your concerns, you should be willing to commit fully to the action of communicating with the PM’s office. Some folks are still going to want to rant, so this data entry should be made optional to avoid them entering false data to try and fool the automated system (but a note must be made above the entry fields warning that messages sent without a valid return address may not receive a reply).

Solution: The form must have entry fields for the full name and address – and email address – of the sender. Back-end postcode verification for UK residents would be required as a matter of course. Messages sent without such details or from international addressees (see below) will automatically have an automated ‘ping’ reply sent to the email address provided from a non-descript address at a different domain to the core one. If this bounces back, then the message may as well be dumped straight into a deep, dark, black hole. (Hey, they were warned…)

Problem 4 – The International Audience

Among the emails I’ve received for Tony are a lot of appeals from people in other countries – some from the third world. Given the impact specific government policy and our lifestyle in general have on some people, it’s important that this channel remain open to all parties. I’m assuming here that Downing St would prefer to reply by snail mail to the bulk of valid messages sent from within the UK, but saddling the communications department with sudden foreign mail expenses just isn’t going to work. If a valid email address were given, it would be best if Downing St replied to this address. However – and this is a big bloody ‘however’ – only a single such recipient needs to publish the address used for this purpose for us to be back at square one with Problem 1.

Solution: Replies of this kind must be in the form of unique_automated_number@not-the-main-domain (e.g. 384552549@downingstcom.gov.uk). Subsequent replies from the original senders to this specific address can also be automated to go directly to the individuals or departments the issue refers to (see Problem 7). Emails to an individual address from any other address than the one used for the original correspondence would indicate that this address has been shared and/or published, so they would go into a deep, dark, black hole. Ditto for any emails to educatedguess@not-the-main-domain and so on.

Problem 5 – Hammering by Activists

The bulk of the email I’ve received has been from activists who hammer the address on an almost daily basis. Again, pissing into the wind. If they’re that concerned about the state of the nation, they should bloody well run for office. Their abuse of this system (once it exists) threatens the ability of Joe Bloggs to raise singular and important issues with the PM.

Solution: Bulk communicators should automatically be sorted according to the email address of origin, with their messages forwarded to the department of bog-standard replies.

Problem 6 – Abuse by Arseholes

Let me draw from experience and quote from an actual example that I’ve received:

“Dear Tony, I had your wife in her chambers and she sure was fine…”

Solution: Requires manual deletion, but the problem is only an occasional one and – again – we rely on the ever-trustworthy deep, dark, black hole. No pun intended.

Problem 7 – The PM Can’t Be Everywhere; Can’t Do Everything

Some emails come from folks with local issues who are at their wits end and wish to go ‘straight to the top.’ Others are from subscribers to the Daily Mail convinced that foreigners are stealing their garden gnomes or Sun readers who would like to see more topless chicks on the bench (or something like that). Mostly these involve issues that are best dealt with by their local MP, the Home Office, the Department of Jubbly Justice and so on.

Solution: The problem has arisen via email; let it be solved by email. The communications department needs to be armed with the best forwarding addresses for such cases, be they individual MP or government department. Letters from these referred departments can start off with ‘The PM’s office has advised us…’ just so everyone knows that Tony is on the case. Hey, he’s a leader. Leaders delegate, right? With email, this can take seconds.

Problem 8 – People With Actual Problems That Should Be Addressed By The Prime Minister

Solution: Deal with it. It’s your sodding job; remember? Oh, OK… I accept that you don’t have time to read everything (or even close to 1% of it), this is why those who do deal with your email should classify each and every valid message according to the issue it addresses and the position it takes on this issue – then make a record of it (e.g. hunting-for, immigrants-against). A table can then be drawn up to give you a weekly overview of direct feedback. A simple program should suffice, but it will have to be reasonably intelligent, otherwise you might get the idea that a policy of hunting immigrants will win you the next election.

Problem 9 – This Is Going To Cost Money

Well, it is – let’s admit it. Even once we’ve filtered out all the garbage, you’re going to have to bring some IT-savvy chaps in to deal with what’s left. I would like to stress at this stage that the following isn’t really my kind of my idea; it’s usually yours:

Solution: Part-privatisation! Have opt-ins on the email entry page that allow those who say ‘yes’ to receive occasional promotional messages from you, your party, or from commercial parties who wish to buy your list. The database proposed above could even link in with this to group recipients from your growing mailing list according to location and/or interest. Hell, you could even sell a copy of the list to your mate Richard Desmond so he can send promotional emails out to increase readership of the Express, get more subscribers signing up for Asian Babes, or pull in a few extra viewers for his X-rated cable channel.

Well, there you have it. Please try to see past the occasional piss-take and dig out the useful content. (This kind of immature needling is necessary to entertain my audience. Now, if you’d given me a chance to contact you directly…)

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Date
20030120

Time
08:48
Of course, you already know all about it, but just for the record: Anti-war demonstrators rally around the world and Saddam does his best to shit all over their efforts.

I have the feeling we’re going about this the wrong way, folks. Perhaps we should appeal directly to the Iraqi people and do a deal. They oust Saddam, and we oust Bush. There’ll be bloodshed, of course – but nobody said Bush was going to give up the White House without a fight.

UPDATE – And now, a word from the little people.

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Date
20030120
Flash Games
Time
09:01
Spacecab! Trust me, you’ll like it. Or you’ll be crap at it like me and decide suddenly that you hate it.

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Date
20030120

Time
09:04
Watch the video of Diana Ross’s arrest.

Warning: It’s pretty dull, and doesn’t contain any of the fun stuff you would expect, like Lady Diana falling on here arse and singing; “Touuuuch me in the mor-*hic*-orrrning…”

Here – watch some 80’s commercials instead.

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Date
20030120

Time
09:13
Seasoned court reporter sits through TV court show marathon. Verdict: TV Judges are nothing like real judges, and spend most of their time playing up to the camera.

Hard-hitting investigative journalism at its best, folks.

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Date
20030120
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:17
Is Saddam really trying to achieve nuclear capability? This recent document find would certainly suggest it. I saw part of the seizure on the news. The chap who owned the house said to camera – and I swear that this is true – that it was ‘private research for a book.’

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Date
20030120

Time
09:21
Do dolphins and whales deserve their own nation and a place in the UN? This chap seems to think so.

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Date
20030120

Time
09:26
By now you’re wondering where the next Blair Porn image is…

Well, to be fair, I said I was going to take it easy last week, but ended up producing an image every day (curse my overactive creative drive). I think it’s only fitting that we give the folks at 10 Downing St a few days to catch up, don’t you?

I have something special in mind on this front, but I need to get some work done first. Back soonish.

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Date
20030120

Time
17:11
Damn it!

Too much work.

Too much work.

Too much work.


That something special probably won’t be published until tomorrow – but it is written and ready to go.

I’ll try to get it live as soon as, but right now I’m busy knocking some placards together for a little gathering tomorrow.

Note to self: must try harder.

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Date
20030120

Time
08:45
Here’s an opinion piece on the recent (and quite ridiculous) extension of copyright for corporations, and here’s a few words from Mickey Mouse himself.

UPDATE – And now, a word from the little people (again).

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Date
20030121

Time
23:50

Dear Tony,

Today is an important lesson in irony. There are many layers, so please pay attention (there will be a test later).

There you were as the lead story blustering through your insistence to MPs that this ‘inevitable’ war is justified. Put on the spot, you had to admit that there was no detectable connection between Saddam and Al-Qaeda. Still, it was important (you said) to keep the pressure up on Saddam.

What followed was Young Dubya, drawling in best Texan (and in a decidedly Reagan-esque manner) that: “It appears to be the re-run of a bad movie. He is delaying. He is deceiving. He’s asking for time. He’s playing hide and seek with his records…”

From there we cut to the protest outside, featuring footage of a placard that showed you cuddling up with the aforementioned Dubya.

An image that would not even exist had you not delayed, deceived and asked for more time to deliver your long-overdue email address.

Where did I see this particular news sequence?

Well, the BBC for a start. Then ITV. Then CNN.

You and I as seasoned marketing bods know very well that news chappies are going to go for the shot that best encapsulates the overall feeling of any given event. That’s why I chose one word to go with one image.

The Blair Porn Project had previously reached about 50,000 people. Today, I reached over a million (with a wider message than the accessibility of one pissy little email address).

Because you wouldn’t listen.

I’m just one little guy with one little website, but I read more emails intended for you than you probably ever will. And I listen.

Are you listening today? I hope so, because (and here I slip into a smooth Texan drawl) the stakes just went higher.

I want to hear from you.

You.

Not your office – not even your highest flunky.

You.

I’m really not asking for much, and I’ve done my damnedest to be fair about it. I’ve also invested a ridiculous amount of time in asking – in fact, begging – you to make good on this simple (almost throwaway) promise. I’ve even done my best to help you make it happen. Truth be told; I should send you a fucking invoice.

It can get worse, or it can get a whole lot better. The choice is yours.

Please get in touch.

Regards,

Tim Ireland

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Date
20030121

Time
08:42
I was via a passing mention of Bloggerheads in this Slashdot thread that I found out about the campaign to find John Howard’s email. Turns out that little Johnnie does have an email facility, but his office never, ever replies – so now there’s a campaign to find his email address.

This morning I heard from a journalist from that most excellent newspaper, the Sydney Morning Herald (while you’re there, check out Column 8…).

He noted quite rightly that I may have to update a Tony page or two with one small correction.

Will do.

Are you paying attention Downing St? This is what happens when you piss people off. Do you want them to use the system or abuse it?

Use it? Fine – then read the specs and get off your collective arses, OK? I do not want to have to publish the email-to-fax address widely.

I’m even going to be nice enough to offer a 7-day amnesty on Blair Porn. Actually, I’m not going to be that nice – it started yesterday.

You have 6 days, people. Please get back to me with a delivery date – or at the very least include an actual date in your answer to the parliamentary question tabled today by Tom Watson.

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Date
20030121
Photoshopping
Time
10:13
Well, there’s no Blair Porn for a few days -so I guess you know what that means…

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Date
20030121

Time
10:33
I have to pop out for a bit now, folks. I’m off to lend my voice to the Mass Lobby of Parliament. Look for me amongst the rabble out front of the public entrance of Parliament from 2:30pm onwards. I’ll be the chap carrying the placard with this picture on it. Well, I’ll be one of the people carrying such a placard. I made 4 last night, so I’d have a few to share.



UPDATE – Huzzah for my local MP Sue Doughty, who will be speaking at the rally later on in the evening.

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Date
20030122

Time
00:21
I apologise – yet again – for the lack of fun bloggage, but my priorities are pretty clear at this stage (and I have some pretty important family stuff to deal with for most of today).

Do me favour and email me with any sightings of my placard on news sites, OK?

Everybody seemed to appreciate what it said, and I had my picture taken about a thousand times by the feel of things. (BTW, I’m much more handsome in person. Quite striking, in fact…)

If you feel the need, trip over to Fark, FunJunkie or The Ultimate Insult for a heady dose of silliness.

Otherwise, if you want to make sure Tony gets my message; you know what needs to be done.

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Date
20030122

Time
14:01
Surprise, surprise – none of Murdoch’s papers ran the story today. Ditto for Dirty Desmond’s. According to them, it just didn’t happen. But it did – and it was big. You should have seen the line of people waiting to lobby their MP. It damn near ran the full length of the building – and it’s a very loooong building, people.

Still…

I made the front page of The Herald in Glasgow.

And the front page of Guardian Unlimited.

And the front page of The Independent. Only page two of the print version, but that’s OK – it wasn’t a very flattering photo.

Someone else spotted the image (it’s very small, but it’s there) on this BBC news page.

The placard was also seen in news reports last night and early this morning on Channel 4, ITV, BBC1, BBC News 24 and CNN.

Oh, and word of the Blair Porn Project has reached The Sydney Morning Herald. Back page of the print edition and here on their website.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to report sightings. I feel very good today.

Remember, there’ll be fresh porn starting next Monday. Unless, of course, Tony shocks us all and pulls his finger out. (Hmm, now there’s an image waiting to happen…)

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Date
20030122

Time
14:36
Yay! A cracker over at Yahoo (spotted by Lindsay). The caption doesn’t wrongly identify me as a member of the CND, either…

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Date
20030123

Time
08:04
Lady builds Lego house for cat. Lego house becomes Lego church. Cat dies. I think there’s a message in that for all of us.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:06
Cow born with one brain, three eyes and two snouts.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:09
Vote for the 2003 Bloggies. Bloggerheads isn’t listed, but it’s my own stupid fault for going on strike during the nominations.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:11
Lisa Marie sings for Scientology, proving once and for all that there is no God.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:13
Go write on the wall.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:14
Meet Whiplash, the rodeo monkey (he’s so famous, he even has his own jigsaw puzzle). Whiplash may wear spurs and ride a border collie, but he doesn’t smoke cigars – or even Marlboro Lights. What a pussy.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:19
Rapist stops attack when woman starts praying. Her exact words were: “Please, God. Please, God, no. God, please, no.” It seems to me that this would be a turn-on for most people. Right, guys? Guys?

*sigh*

Anyway, he asked if she was a Christian. When she said ‘yes,’ he zipped up and walked out – presumably to go and find a heathen to violate.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:25
Recent anti-war protests were the first mass demonstrations to occur before a conflict. See what happens when we’re not 100% reliant on mass media? Now you know why there are so many scare stories about the Internet in the newspapers.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:33
Lots of visitors from Australia yesterday and today – and many, many requests for a John Howard image for use on placards. Your wish is my command – I’ll begin image-hunting right now.

In the meantime, feel free to browse through this selection of ready-made posters.

UPDATE – I’m finding it hard to locate some decent high-res pictures of Little Johnnie. I’ll do what I can to find better, but here’s a small one to tide you over. Sorry there’s no tongue.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030123
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
14:20
I regret to announce a premature end to the 7-day amnesty.

Despite constant appeals to his office and a parliamentary question that specifically asked when the service would be ready, Tony Blair has chosen to call our bluff.

Porn production begins afresh today. You can read all of the necessary details (and see today’s picture, which is not at all suitable for the front page) here.

Please note that all Blair Porn images are free for public distribution. Feel free to copy them, use them, or send them to anyone to like.

That is all.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030123

Time
15:11
Congratulations to Adrian from Expat Egghead, who has recently converted to Interactivism.

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Date
20030124

Time
09:35
The Tupperware army has finally been defeated. Amway is next.

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Date
20030124

Time
09:37
Somebody already brought this to my attention, but as it’s climbing well on Blogdex I should mention it here:

Googlert is a new service that performs regular Google searches on your behalf and emails you the results.

Looks like a brilliant service – but I can’t see it lasting. Google has a history of shutting down sites that plug into theirs without authorisation or a formal partnership agreement.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030124

Time
09:41
Fatmouse is ready to take over the world. Move over Big Bunny!

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Date
20030124

Time
09:42
Man lives after having his head ripped off. Would he have survived if they shat down his neck?

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Date
20030124

Time
09:44
Teachers at a primary school have been told not to mark children’s work in red ink because it upsets the poor little dears. Now they mark in green. I wonder how long it will take the kids to work that one out…

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Date
20030124

Time
09:47
US begins secret talks to secure Iraq’s oilfields.

Oh, someone from Greenpeace has been in touch wanting to know if I can help out with the fight against Exxon (Esso) by applying my photoshoppery to the issue.

Let me have a quiet think about that and work on it later. Porn comes before principle.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030124

Time
09:50
Salon robber gets $100, some credit cards… and a pair of scissors lodged in his back.

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Date
20030124

Time
09:52
The Bloggies revealed. Well thought out, and with a lot of detail. Read this one over lunch and prepare to click, because there a number of great sites and weblogs listed here that may very well be new to you.

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Date
20030124

Time
09:55
This guy is convinced that the government is using mind control on him and he wants to tell everybody. (Yes, I mean everybody – you will note with alarm and interest the link down at the bottom of the page that reads: ‘Wanted! Translators.’)

My question is, if the government is really controlling his mind, why did they stop messing with his marbles long enough for him to spill the beans?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030124

Time
09:58
Peace heckler disrupts Blair speech.

I love this: “Mr Wilson, 22, who managed to slip into the hand-picked audience after borrowing a friend’s Labour Party card, demanded Mr Blair answer questions about Iraq.”

Dammit, I wish I’d thought of that. I could have tried to read his email out loud to him. I mean, it’s got to reach him somehow, right?

Back soon with porn. Stay tuned.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030124
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
11:06
Well, we did warn him that we’d start on the missus sooner or later. Do you really want to see what’s underneath? No, I didn’t think so. Send an email to the PM’s fax machine via this address and stop this insanity!

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Date
20030124
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
17:31

Right now I’m looking at a fair amount of email asking (in some cases begging) for an immediate end to Cherie Porn. There are three major types, which read pretty much as follows:

- Please no nude pictures of Cherie; my stomach can’t handle it.

- I suppose I would after a few pints, but I’d really rather not think about it.

- Cherie is a lawyer and will eat you for breakfast.


And, by far the most common:

- Poor Cherie, she’s only his wife, doesn’t run the country, etc. etc., leave her alone.

It’s always interesting rolling into the weekend with a direct email vote, so let’s do just that. (Besides, I’ll probably be too busy to blog much until Tuesday so this will give you even more time to wrestle with your conscience and/or hammer your keyboard.)

Please remember that whatever we do, we have made a commitment to escalate activity until Tony gets in touch. If we wimp out now, there will be very little hope of an email service before war breaks out. This basically means that if we don’t run sequentially through some softcore Cherie, then we pretty much have to get x-rated with Tony. It’s not going to be pretty!

So, the question I put before you is this:

Should we mess with the PM’s missus?

A – No! I’d actually rather see Tony in hardcore action poses (as strange and disturbing as that may sound).

B – Yes! She’s played along so far and milked the situation for all it’s worth. She may as well take the good with the bad.

Voting will be open throughout the weekend (and probably for most of Monday). Emails to the usual address.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030125

Time
12:22
We had some server problems this morning; site, email and all. If you voted before midday today, chances are your message didn’t reach me (so you may have to re-send). Apologies for the hassle.

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Date
20030125

Time
12:25
If you’re British (or perhaps even Australian) and have seen The Two Towers, then I bet I can ruin a repeat viewing for you with one simple image. Are you ready? Here ’tis.

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Date
20030125
Phil Collins: Guilty Of Abusing A Minor
Time
17:56
Also F Sharp, E Flat and C Major…

Baboom-tischh!

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Date
20030127
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
08:49
As expected, I’m too busy to be able to blog effectively today – but I did trip over this fantastic anti-KFC site (it even has a less-than-subtle kid’s section) and this tribute to The Tomorrow People, a television show that – ironically enough – I used to have to wake up at 5am to watch because we didn’t have VCRs back in the old days.

A quick glance at the weekend’s emails shows a clear swing against Cherie Porn, but you still have all of today in which to vote.

Should we mess with the PM’s missus?

A – No! I’d actually rather see Tony in hardcore action poses (as strange and disturbing as that may sound).

B – Yes! She’s played along so far and milked the situation for all it’s worth. She may as well take the good with the bad.

Vote now.

Alternatively, if you think we’ve already gone too far, you can send an email to Tony Blair’s fax machine and urge him to get back to me with a delivery date.

See you tomorrow.

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Date
20030128

Time
08:32
A filthy, rotten cold hit me like a ton of bricks late last night and I really feel quite awful this morning. Please pardon any vague thoughts or typos.

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Date
20030128

Time
08:34
Lego used in executive stress relief program.

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Date
20030128

Time
08:37
Someone has written in and pointed out that all of the saints listed for the Universal Church of the Interactive Network are men. Of course, it’s a woman who feels it necessary to complain about it. You’d think she’d have better things to do with her time than hassle me – like maybe cleaning the damn kitchen or making babies.

(Of course I’m kidding, woman! Don’t get your knickers in a knot. And put down the carving knife, there’s a good lass. Ada Byron will be given due consideration for the long-overdue site overhaul. I need to spruce up the holidays a bit as well. I thought International Back-Up Day would be a good idea. Any other suggestions are welcome. It’s your church, too.)

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Date
20030128

Time
08:47
One in five suffers from ‘banking phobia.’ Yup, got yer one in five right here. My main symptom is deliberately looking away from the balance display when withdrawing money from an ATM.

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Date
20030128

Time
08:51
Swim-team’s coe-ed shave-down ritual given the chop after outcry from parents. Not the parents of the teenage shavers, mind you – but those of the 8-year-olds that walked in on them.

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Date
20030128
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
08:58
The Race to Kill Kazaa.

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Date
20030128

Time
09:00
Meet Uncle Bugly (aka William Broookfield, aka That Scary Man Down The Road), founder of the Worldwide Church of Kindness. He makes me seem positively normal by comparison.

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Date
20030128

Time
09:04
Read some reactions to the ‘first-ever’ spam. There are surprisingly few swear words, but this was back in 1978 – and the world was a kinder, gentler place back then.

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Date
20030128
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
10:37
[nsfw image removed]
Your votes have been counted, and a late run has seen an overwhelming majority opting for continued Cherie Porn.

Still, I spent so long on this one it seemed a shame to let it go to waste (and there were many, many requests to bring Aussie PM ‘Little Johnny’ Howard into the equation).

If you want a larger copy for email distribution, you’ll find one here [nsfw].

I’ll start working on a new one for Cherie tomorrow. Request for themes and scenarios are being taken – emails to the usual address.

In the meantime…

Quite a few emails voiced a concern that’s been nagging me for some time. What if the folks in his office are keeping this campaign from Tony? Personally, I’m finding it increasingly hard to believe that a man in his position would let things go this far when all we’re requesting is an expected delivery date.

If he’s yet to be made aware of it, then perhaps we should try to reach him via other channels. I have some stuff to get on with right now, but later on today I might just try to look up a new notable bods that have direct access to Tony (or perhaps even Cherie). People like cabinet ministers, celebrities, Australian con-men, psychics and like that.

If you know of any likely names, it would be a big help.

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Date
20030128

Time
11:22
Bush’s ‘Made in the USA’ Backdrop Hides ‘Made in China’ Labels.

(link via the increasingly addictive catch.com)

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Date
20030128

Time
15:45
When she comes home, does she brush her teeth before kissing the kids goodnight?

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Date
20030129

Time
08:27
A Ufologist has claimed that pictures captured by a NASA satellite proves existence of aliens in space. SOHO scientists have responded with a guide to creating similar ‘convincing’ images from their data – and, one can presume, a resounding chorus of “Nerny-nerny-ner-ner!”

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Date
20030129

Time
08:39
Clonaid’s vice president Thomas Kaenzig is expected to appear in a Florida court today to answer questions about the existence and location of their alleged cloned child. Meanwhile, UFO groups are distancing themselves from Raelians and this Christian website happily claims that Clonaid ‘may have hurt its own cause by affiliating with a religious sect that puts its faith in UFOs instead of God.’

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Date
20030129

Time
08:49
Pravda asks: “Is Stealth (technology) a present of some space beings?”

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Date
20030129

Time
08:58
Protect yourself from alien control and/or abduction with this fabbadoobie thought screen helmet or, if you’re on a tight budget, you can use some of the abduction prevention methods outlined here. Sometimes it’s as easy as leaving a bright light on when you go to sleep.

(I knew it! I knew it!)

If it’s too late and you’ve already been abducted, probed and tagged – you need this guide to alien implant removal and deactivation.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030129

Time
09:39
Aliens In The Bible is a book that ponders on the appearances of angels, apparitions and other forms of divine intervention listed in the Bible and attempts to match them with various forms of extraterrestrial interference (or guidance, depending on your point of view).

Is the beast spoken of in the book of Revelation actually an artificial intelligent life form? Were the giants of Genesis genetically engineered hybrids of humans and fallen angels? Are miracles such as reincarnation or resurrection actually possession of the deceased by alien beings?

Well, the good news is you don’t have to fork over good money to find out, because the entire book is free to download. This, however, should not stop you from popping over to Amazon to read the rather mixed reviews.

One reads: “Hire an editor. Virtually every page of your book contains at least one error in punctuation, grammar or spelling, not to mention wrong word usage, mixed metaphors and generally unnecessary rambling.”

Another counters with: “I would prefer to read over these trivialities to know that some editor from some large publishing house did not in fact have their hands in this work. The Lord often uses those that seem to be ‘lacking’ to get out the greatest truths.”

I’m sure you’ll draw great comfort from the fact that the ‘lacking’ author (John W. Milor) is also employed by the Air Force National Guard as a computer security officer.

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Date
20030129

Time
09:47
You may not think that the site of pop star wannabe Andrew Antone is in keeping with the rest of today’s posts, but I’m convinced that Andrew is either from another planet or part of a vast government conspiracy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030129
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
16:56
Heh. I do forget from time to time how many new visitors we get each day, so I should explain that today’s theme was the result of creative necessity. The job called for some research into aliens, thus the bloggage.

I tried to knock together a Cherie picture based on the theme – but no matter what source pic I started with or how I dressed it up, the resulting images of the PM’s wife being abducted and/or probed by nasty grey aliens were just too, too disturbing for publication.

I do have a marvellous, marvellous portrait in store for tomorrow, though. Worth waiting for, I guarantee.

Oh, worth noting for the record is the huge increase in the number of searches for Tony Blair’s email address.

People seem to be getting a little anxious. Funny that.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030130
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
08:05
Heh. The The State of the Union Address has been outranked by The State of the Union Address Drinking Game.

(Also, a number of FortuneCity links have appeared in the charts courtesy of yet another slew of dead weblogs.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030130

Time
08:09
The Yellow Times asks: Whose world is it, anyway?

If you ask me, we should all join The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement and let the doplphins make a go of it.

(latter link via ultimateinsult.net)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030130

Time
08:11
Boy saves eight puppies, two adult dogs, a pair of gerbils and a bird named Lucky from his burning mobile home. Good thing he skipped school that day.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030130

Time
08:14
Man in wheelchair dies when emergency medical worker falls on him.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030130

Time
08:16
Lots and lots of sexy toes.

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Date
20030130

Time
08:17
Ooh, it’s snowing again! Excuse me for a bit while I go out and play…

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Date
20030130
Weblog Marketing
Time
09:22
Jim McClellan of The Guardian has written a pretty misguided piece on the business applications of weblogs. While it does sniff at these ideas in general, it spends an awful amount of time focusing on things like affiliate marketing and advertising (damn it, these methods were dumped by smart marketers long before blogging hit the mainstream). There’s a final paragraph or two touching on the ‘small’ matter of an effective company voice, but he completely ignores the factor of Search Engine Optimisation. This is where weblogs really come into their own, and ironically all he had to do to find out about it was conduct a little bit of research.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030130
Yet Another Lame Quiz
Time
09:34
Actually, this one is pretty enlightened:

Which OS Are You?

I’m Apple DOS 3.1 – primitive but reliable.

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Date
20030130
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
09:39


OK, folks – here she is, as promised.

Isn’t she lovely?

If this really pumps your nads and/or if you want to share it with your friends, then you’ll probably want to take a look at this wonderfully large version.

All the folks that voted in favour of more Cherie Porn had me worried, I must admit – but now even I’m beginning to see the attraction.

Just to remind you, you can (sort of) email Tony Blair by sending a plain-text email to this address. Doing so will magically convert your email into a fax and send it to Tony Blair’s fax machine. Isn’t technology wonderful?

Downing St request that you include your full name and address, blah blah blah.

Tell Tony anything you like, but please – for the sake of my mental health – ask him to get a proper email address sorted out while you’re there.

Thanks.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030130

Time
13:55
Tessa Jowell (the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport) is being a good little soldier. She has – amazingly – backed an official ban of the upcoming anti-war protest in Hyde Park on the basis that (wait for it) the grass will suffer. (Though there are other concerns that have recently been added to spin – like worries that British folk may not know how to walk on wet grass and/or mud without hurting themselves. Sounds like a great excuse to wear heavy boots to me.)

An attempt to sabotage this planned assembly that renders me quite speechless.

Do they really think this is going to stop anybody? Did they really think for a second that this lame excuse would be accepted without comment (or laughter, for that matter)?

Needless to say, the protest is still going ahead on the 15th of February, and everything you need to know is at www.stopwar.org.uk

You may also want to contact Tessa herself. Everything you need for that is right here.

What the hell, why don’t you give her office a call right now and talk to her support team? You can ask them where her brain is – or maybe if she’s been on the grass a bit herself lately.

The number is 020 7219 3409

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131
Oldies but Goodies
Time
09:24
Today’s ilovebacon.com Mail Bag reads like a Who’s Who of web classics. You should recognise most of them immediately, but if you don’t… well, you better make sure you get some work done today, too.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131

Time
09:28
China Survey Finds 1 in 6 Haven’t Heard of AIDS.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131

Time
09:32
Watch out for Xupiter; an Internet Explorer toolbar program that will completely mess you up. It looks to be pretty serious stuff. Victims are calling for the death penalty… and worse.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131

Time
09:37
Lego Stanley Cup stolen. Reward offered.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131

Time
09:39
Police arrest near-naked burglar in wheelchair. He was only wearing a top hat and cape. That he had just stolen.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131

Time
09:41
Nothing says ‘class’ quite like beer wallpaper. I’m sure it won’t be the first time Bloggerheads has caused a drink to be spread across the monitor.

(Link submitted by Pete, who particularly enjoyed taking a very close look at VB and Guinness. By the way, you should never drink both of these beers in the same sitting. I speak from experience.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131

Time
09:47
Never mind the moon landings; the moon is fake. Made of processed cheese, no doubt.

Here are more conspiracy theories for you to enjoy – and these guys look serious.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:50
Kurt Vonnegut speaks on the subject of war, motives and humanity in general.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131

Time
09:52
Telemarketers Sue to Stop ‘Do Not Call’ List. We have one of those over here in the UK called TPS (Telephone Preference Service). I’ve been on it for quite a few months now, and it’s great. A few idiots still call, but I actually quite enjoy spending a few moments detailing the nature and size of the fine they risk just for hassling little old me. They can’t get off the phone quick enough.

Here’s a guide for those of you suffering in the US.

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Date
20030131

Time
10:07
Europe and America must stand united.

“The real bond between the United States and Europe is the values we share: democracy, individual freedom, human rights and the Rule of Law. These values crossed the Atlantic with those who sailed from Europe to help create the USA. Today they are under greater threat than ever.”

Please excuse me while I vomit copiously.

In case you don’t know (or haven’t guessed), The Times is Rupert Murdoch’s main broadsheet here in the UK.

If you want my opinion, it’s Britain’s duty to pull out of this ridiculous charade and rob it of its last shred of respectability.

Want to do something today? Go to www.notinournamemusic.com and check out ‘Not In My Name – Pledge Of Resistance’ by Saul Williams. That’s a pretty top-heavy Flash site they’ve got going there, but the track and a number of mixes are also available here for free use and distribution. Enjoy. Link. Distribute at will. That is all.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
16:32
URGENT UPDATE

The high volume of fan mail generated by the images of Cherie has inspired us to release a special ballad in her honour. Cherie Baby, an exclusive MP3 only available for download from this site, is a song about a man who encounters many images on his daily search for porn, but ends up falling in love with the finely compressed loveliness of Cherie Blair.

[linkremoved]Click here to download Cherie Baby[/linkremoved] (2.63 Mb MP3)

The lyrics are by yours truly, but the musical arrangement and performance is by the most excellent Koit. I urge you to visit his site and sample his wares the moment you have a free hand.








About Tim Ireland

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