01-15 April, 2003

This entry was posted on
Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
at
8:48 am and is filed
under Uncategorized.

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Date
20030401

Time
08:48
Ho ho ho. It is the French Army Knife. I can tell you’re amused. Here’s a Sith Army Knife to make up for it.

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Date
20030401
It’s War! And Everybody’s Got Busy Hands!
Time
08:51
Gang, you’ve be told about this before – don’t send any more porn to the troops. Please.

If you have to send something, send an email from a Playmate.

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Date
20030401
Can Weblogs…?
Time
08:56
“How does the second superpower take action? Not from the top, but from the bottom.”

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Date
20030401

Time
08:58
Bikini waxes will soon be legal throughout North Dakota.

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Date
20030401

Time
09:01
GP attempts to cure knucklehead with frying pan.

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Date
20030401

Time
09:02
A French company, Sodexho Alliance, currently feeds U.S. Marines. Congressman Jack Kingston wants the Bush administration to cancel the $881 million supply contract and I have a sneaky feeling he may just get his way.

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Date
20030401

Time
09:08
Life goes on with half a beard.

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Date
20030401

Time
09:09
Twins kept older brother locked in attic for 40 years. Something wrong there. How can they both be the evil one?

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Date
20030401

Time
09:12
Sacked NBC reporter Peter Arnett has been hired by the Daily Mirror. Here’s hoping his life improves sometime soon.

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Date
20030401

Time
09:15
A Warmonger explains war to a Peacenik.

My eldest son asked me this morning why Saddam started the war. Now that took some explaining…

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Date
20030401

Time
09:19
Is this war a mismanaged, misjudged shit-fight? Well, a scapegoat is already being lined up. What do you think?

BTW, here’s some of the stuff that happens when all eyes are on a war and here’s what’s coming next – if we’re lucky.

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Date
20030401
Civil Disobedience
Time
12:11
An early report on The ‘Out Of Order’ Project is now available. If I’ve quoted you and you don’t mind a credit link, please do let me know.

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Date
20030401
Photoshopping
Time
15:06
Bloody hell.

Now I’m going to have to build an 11th page for The Star Wars Photoshopping Project.

I need a holiday and lots of bedrest.

(Note – a bigger version of this is being paraded over at B3ta.)

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Date
20030401

Time
16:07
From today, British citizenship can be revoked from immigrants who ‘seriously prejudice’ the UK’s interests.

A good thing I’m working so hard to keep this country on the straight and narrow then, isn’t it?

Hm.

Does this mean that Mohamed al-Fayed jumped before he was pushed?

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Date
20030402

Time
08:42
‘You just killed a family because you didn’t fire a warning shot,’ screams the officer who gave the order to fire on a vehicle full of Iraqi civilians. Lesson to be learned? It’s always easier to kick shit downhill.

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Date
20030402

Time
08:44
Help Madeleine Bunting write her new book. Nah, fuck that. Help me to write my book. All I need is about 3 months of relative peace and quiet. Right now I don’t even have the time or energy to scratch my bum.

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Date
20030402

Time
08:47
Object of game: Get out of prison alive.

Execution: lame.

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Date
20030402

Time
08:49
Saturday July 12 is the 23rd Annual Mooning of Amtrak. Mark your calendars.

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Date
20030402

Time
08:51
No, I didn’t mess with your heads yesterday. I wasn’t in the mood. Neither were a lot of other people this year. Funny that.

Still we had the ‘hilarious’ free Eminem concert gag and an equally inspired virus hoax that caused panic food buying and a stock market slump. Nothing like a good laugh, is there?

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Date
20030402

Time
08:54
The results are in for the 2003 Antibloggies.

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Date
20030402

Time
08:56
After a brave start, Madonna wimps out.

Remember folks, you are not allowed to criticise the war in Iraq. Howl with the wolves you must.

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Date
20030402

Time
09:00
Bill Gates issues $60-million research grant to fund search for the invisible condom.

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Date
20030402

Time
09:04
Detectives have arrested two Lawndale High students who allegedly planned to celebrate the anniversary of the Columbine massacre with some homemade explosives.

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Date
20030402

Time
09:06
Journalists discuss the firing of Peter Arnett. You can read his first article for those opportunistic scumbags over at The Mirror here. Be begins by saying; ‘I am still in shock and awe at being fired.’

The man is obviously a genius. Actually, he’s an idiot. Sure, his heart was in the right place but he should have known that his words would be used as ammunition.

More idiocy: The plan to target MPs who voted in favour of the war. Tom has followed this up with

some details and a disturbingly correct judgement on my view. Doing the wrong thing in the name of righteousness? That’s what we’re protesting against, isn’t it?

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Date
20030402

Time
09:24
Boy weds 42-year-old. What better way to celebrate your 14th birthday?

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Date
20030402

Time
09:26
We all learned about World War I in school, right? Lots of contributing factors, but the defining moment came when the 7th assassin finally managed to do Franz Ferdinand in.

20 years from now, I swear there’ll be a chapter on Freedom Fries to study and regurgitate at will. It’ll come right after the chapter covering dangerous regimes and rigged elections.

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Date
20030402

Time
09:31
We don’t understand Iraqis, admits US officer.

“I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.”

Hawkeye Pierce (M*A*S*H, Episode B306 – ‘O.R.’)

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Date
20030402
Civil Disobedience
Time
09:36
I’ll do full credits on the first ‘Out Of Order’ report as soon as I get a few more yays and nays in.

(Did I quote you? Get in touch and let me know if you want to be credited or anonymous.)

In the meantime, you need to know that the best action report by far (the one with the ‘out of order’ stationary cupboard) comes to you from princess erin the mighty.

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Date
20030402
The Political Weblog Movement
Time
11:45
This just in: Former senator Gary Hart started a weblog about 6 days ago.

So, it looks like I won’t be able to claim the first. I’ll just have to settle for best, then.

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Date
20030402
Photoshopping
Time
13:54
Page 11 of The Star Wars Photoshopping Project is starting to fill out nicely with the help of The Professionals.

Again, there’s a large version of this posted over at B3ta.

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Date
20030402
The Political Weblog Movement
Time
18:38
OK, here’s the deal with senatorial weblogging: Once you’re a senator, your web presence must be hosted at senate.gov and abide by certain rules. First hurdle is to get Movable Type approved by the Sergeant At Arms for use on these servers. I’m on the case.

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Date
20030403

Time
08:41
I think perhaps someone should point out to the U.S. Army that ‘General’ is a French word. Alternative names for a General, then?

Liberty Leader?

Director of Justice?

Sorry, no ‘liberty’ and ‘justice’ for you. Both words are of French origin.

How about something cool like Ultra Marine?

Considering how many Iraqis have actually surrendered so far, how about Optimist Prime?

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Date
20030403

Time
08:42
15-year-old hires escort from his hospital bed and teen voyeur gets trapped behind shower wall. Both stories have wonderful details and developments that I won’t spoil for you here.

This and more chewy goodness (including the man who left polaroids of his privates under the windscreen wipers of ladies cars) available today via Romenkso’s ObscureStore.

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Date
20030403

Time
08:49
Iraq knocked off Interwebnet. No use emailing support, boyo.

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Date
20030403

Time
08:53
“We do view Google more and more as a competitor. We believe that we can provide consumers with a better product and a better user experience. That’s something that we’re actively looking at doing,” says Bob Visse, a marketing director for Microsoft. Pardon me while I giggle foolishly.

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Date
20030403

Time
08:54
The Beginner’s Guide to Self-Immortalization (not to be confused with self-immolation).

(Link via The Ultimate Insult.)

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Date
20030403

Time
08:58
Nick Nolte goes clean, comes clean.

Insert detergent gag.

Run quote:

“Every once in a while, you lose it. You saw my pictures. There’s no hiding there.”

Pictures? What pictures?

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Date
20030403

Time
09:03
Dead journalists campaign for freedom of the press. And more spicy brains.

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Date
20030403

Time
09:04
Attention Super Man and Super Squid – Tokyo is that way – –>

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Date
20030403

Time
09:07
Conspiracy theorists will love this one: anti-war anthem champ Edwin Starr is dead.

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Date
20030403

Time
09:09
Don’t like America? Then Leave.

Oh dear. Y’see, the problem is that most of your resident peacemongers love America and what it’s supposed to aspire to. Sadly, almost every lofty ideal has been corrupted or neglected under the current regime.

Still, if you feel you must export enlightened souls to other countries, you just go right ahead.

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Date
20030403

Time
09:57
From Rainbow Heron we find ProtestWarrior.com

I may not agree with what they’re doing, but I love the way they’re doing it.

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Date
20030403
Fursday Feedback
Time
09:59
Last night I had a dream that I needed more sleep. I think that’s pretty much all I needed to push me over the edge.

One of the biggest problems in my life is not having enough time and it never being a good time. I’m slowly learning to deal with that, so next week – good time or not – I’ll be taking a short bloggage holiday.

I plan to spend this time wisely by sitting in the garden and/or digging a small hole to retreat into while I have quiet think and maybe do a little writing just for me.

Bloggerheads gets about 100 new visitors a day, so I need some static content for this week to cover my sluggish butt.

All I need really is 2 or 3 letters from regulars explaining what Bloggerheads is usually like when I’m not offline and huddled in a corner, trying to get into myself.

If you have a site of your own, then please include a URL with your letter. This gives visitors somewhere to go once they’ve found out there ain’t much going on here.

Emails to the usual address. Get ‘em in today. I’ll be publishing tomorrow.

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Date
20030403

Time
11:10
The Independent: Military briefings are chock full of lies. One man’s chemical weapons factory is another man’s all-night petrol garage. No doubt it was the evil packaged sandwiches that fooled them. Or maybe the longlife pastries.

(Found via the folks at Supervillainwatch, who are kindly supporting The ‘Out Of Order’ Project.)

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Date
20030404

Time
08:57
Wow, it’s all peace, love and football just like the good old-fashioned wars of the past. I watched the footage of this on TV, but couldn’t spot Sylvester Stallone anywhere. No wonder the Iraqis won; our side didn’t have their regular goalkeeper.

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Date
20030404

Time
09:01
‘Girls Gone Wild’ Producers Arrested On Racketeering Charges. They’ve been telling girls to lie about their age, the naughty scamps. Incidentally, the $100 some lucky girls get paid to strip naked in a cheap motel room is enough to buy maybe 5 copies of the video they appear in. They don’t even have to be naked for that to be described as exploitation.

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Date
20030404

Time
09:06
Burt Ward ordered to clean up dog mess. Only the best celebrity gossip here, folks.

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Date
20030404
Christianity Watch
Time
09:07
’Poised behind the troops, waiting for a signal that Iraq is safe enough for them to operate in, are the evangelical Christians – carrying food in one hand and the Bible in the other.’

That’s Billy Graham’s little boy on the march there. He’s the chap who describes the Muslim faith as a ‘wicked, violent’ religion. He also delivered the invocation at Dubya’s inauguration, which is probably why he’s been awarded the conversion contract.

“Here ya go, fella – some nice cool water. Gosh darn, I spilled some. No matter. Let’s just start by getting that towel off your head and…”

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Date
20030404

Time
09:09
Teacher gets 5 years for three bank robberies. He still doesn’t know why he did it, but suspects it has something to do with a faulty moral compass. Government issue, no doubt.

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Date
20030404

Time
09:11
Explore happiness and love at Leisuretown.

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Date
20030404

Time
09:12
Murder suspect captured because he couldn’t kick karaoke. It’s a filthy habit. Serves him right.

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Date
20030404

Time
09:15
Murdoch: US must ditch ‘inferiority complex’

WTF?

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Date
20030404

Time
09:16
Meet Headnoise, the Christian rock band that refuses to endorse ‘the dogma of Punk.’

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Date
20030404
Civil Disobedience
Time
09:18
A report from one of our more ingenious ‘Out Of Order’ operatives:

My coup de grace this weekend was watching swarms of confused tourists reading the sign I left on a car park ticket machine ‘Out of Order – use machine in car park opposite’. They’d dutifully traipse over the road to read a sign reading ‘Out of Order – use machine in car park opposite.’

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Date
20030404
Dead Blog Holiday
Time
09:25
Yep, I’m around for most of the day. Got a few loose ends to tie up and a lot of fun to watch with Tom’s Teens! page. I’m sure I don’t need to explain it to you.

Anyway, I’ve two very nice letters that I’ll be popping up when the guns go quiet later this afternoon. That’s going to have to tide you over for about a week, so take your time reading them, OK?

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Date
20030404

Time
10:10
I’m going to be a complete bastard now and slip a song into your head that will stick with you for most of the day.

Sing this to tune of Auld Lang Syne:

We’re Here Because We’re Here

Because We’re Here Because We’re Here

We’re Here Because We’re Here

Because We’re Here Because We’re Here

Terrible, isn’t it? It caused untold misery in the trenches during World War I. Perhaps ‘our boys’ should start a revival in Iraq. It certainly seems enough of an explanation/justification for some.

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Date
20030404

Time
15:40
Emails pouring into Bagdad. That’s Bagdad in Tasmania, folks.

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Date
20030404

Time
15:42
Look, it’s nothing sinister… we’re just your betters is all.



A surprisingly blinkered and over-the-top article for The Register. You may want to soothe yourself with the related Metafilter thread afterwards.

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Date
20030404
Dead Blog Holiday
Time
16:26
I’m taking a little blogging holiday for about a week and didn’t want to leave an empty shell behind, so here are a couple of letters from regular readers to let you know what you should normally expect from Bloggerheads – and how you might care to spend your time while I’m sitting in the comfy chair with a box of chocolates, watching my stories.

Hope to see you when I get out of getting into myself.

Cheers all.

Manic

Bloggerheads is overflowing with anarchic juices. It’s comedy with a dark, dark heart and the occasional self-deprecating lighter moment. I know it could cost a politician his job to be anywhere near such seditious writing but it’s strangely addictive. If you’re new to the site then bad luck, Tim is in the garden for the week. My advice is to begin at the beginning and take two or three months a day. You should be up to speed by the time he’s back.

Tom

www.tom-watson.co.uk

So, you’ve arrived here at Bloggerheads and you’re wondering; “What the hell? What is it? Why have I been brought here? And where’s the pr0n?”

Sadly, I can’t help you with the last question (well I can, but I’ll come to that later), but as a dedicated follower of Bloggerheads I can perhaps help you a little bit with what goes on here whilst Manic takes a holiday from saving the world from tedium.

Bloggerheads has become, at least for me, a shrine to online deviousness. Manic picks out, day after day, week after week, the choicest and freshest cuts of the web’s sublime and subverted nature.

You want an alternative view on what’s going on in the world of weblogs? This is the place where no punches are pulled and where intellectual wankery is used as a punch bag.

Feel as if you’re drowning in political bureaucracy and bullshit? This is the hall where the dishonest and disgraceful get their come-uppance.

Have a chair and peruse with us the wonders of the World Famous Star Wars Photoshopping Project. See what happens when politicians don’t keep their promises and wonder at the power of the interwebnet at discovering long lost bizarre mustard men!

Manic’s gone for a short holiday to recharge, so take this opportunity to steal all the beer from his fridge and get lost in the annals of scandal. It’s educational, emotive, entertaining and ridiculous, and it’s all wrapped up into one discrete weblog for the bargain price of nada.

Oh, you were only here for the pr0n? Well, I did promise didn’t I? Luckily for you I’m a man of my word, so enjoy.

Wild

www.funjunkie.co.uk

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Date
20030414

Time
16:25
Like I said, it’s never a good time. Tom’s ‘Teens’ page seems to have rocketed around the Interwebnet in my absence. (Is it just me, or are the majority of people who don’t get it well over the age of 30?)

Here’s a new article about Tom’s site, BTW. That’s a pretty solid name-check there. I’m not used to those.

I have another MP’s site to build and will crack on with that tomorrow, along with some serious groundwork for the whole senatorial blogging thing.

Yes, I quite enjoyed my quiet think – and even managed to get out of the house now and again (see image).

Right now I have to wade through 596 emails and see what’s waiting for me.

Back on deck at the usual pace tomorrow, folks. Please forgive me if I post anything that’s last Tuesday.

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Date
20030414

Time
16:28
Yay! Scott got a job! Sadly, I had nothing to do with it (pause) or did I…?

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Date
20030414
The Political Weblog Movement
Time
18:31
Wow, that’s spooky. Check out this Raging Cow article by Rob Walker that just went live at Slate/MSN. I just now spoke on the phone with a chap who goes by the same name in relation to the following:

Re: the possibility of the first senatorial weblog

I’m in touch with the office of the Sergeant at Arms (new bloke in charge is Bill Pickle) about the clearance of Movable Type for use at senate.gov and am awaiting procedural guidelines by email.

I had one nagging worry about all of this: that material published at senate.gov would be subject to clearance. Happily, this isn’t the case. The guidelines/rules for publishing at senate.gov are not available to members of the public, but what I did find out was that what is published at senate.gov must be in keeping with the rules and ethics of the Senate. If not, it will be subject to review by the Senate Ethics Committee and the Senate Rules Committee.

Because the frequency allowed by the weblog format is likely to complicate matters in this area, a proposal may need to go past these committees. I’ve been in touch with the relevant offices, and will probably be faxing something once I get the whole MT clearance thing rolling.

Given that I am a foreign devil with limited understanding of the inner workings of the U.S. Senate, I’ve also been in touch with the office of Gary Hart to see if they want to get involved.

Depending on my workload tomorrow, I’ll probably be going live with this project on a step-by-step basis under the heading:

Can Weblogs Go To Washington?

It’s good to be back.

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Date
20030415

Time
09:39
I know you all know about welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com – hell, I even met a guy in a small rural pub with no web access that knew all about it. This same guy, mind you, was of the opinion that Iran and Syria should be next. No link between Iraq and terrorism? Rubbish! The whole Arab state is in on this thing! The main weapon of the ay-rab is the dagger. It’s for stabbing people in the back.

Etc. etc. etc.

I actually spent 2.5 seconds wondering if I should get involved in this argument, until someone helpfully pointed out that there was no point talking to me, as my mind had been poisoned by the novel I had been quietly reading in the corner.

I pointed out that the title of the book wasn’t ‘Al Qaeda on The Western Front,’ and left them to it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415

Time
09:41
Boss teases employee about being serial killer. Employee turns out to be actual serial killer.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415
Photoshopping
Time
09:43
Fark theme: What is President Bush really stepping over?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415

Time
09:44
Man arrested for masturbating at library computer. He was downloading porn in the children’s department. No children were there to witness the event, but a security camera and a library guard were on hand. So to speak.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415

Time
09:48
U.S. Marines ‘liberate’ a donkey, which promptly escapes to help spread their message of peace, love and occupation.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415

Time
09:51
Saddam’s son had pictures of the Bush twins on his wall.

Please, please, let it be these.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415

Time
10:06
Farmers Put Live Chickens in Wood Chippers.

I’m thinking feathers a-flying, I’m thinking comical noises, I’m thinking Chicken McNuggets.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415

Time
10:09
Remember when Saddam’s statue came toppling down? How many jubilant locals do you think were actually there at the time? Hundreds? Thousands?

Try about a dozen.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415

Time
10:17
Isn’t it funny how one pointed question can reveal the truth in many unexpected ways? This is today’s must-read, folks. Enjoy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415
The Raging Cow Boycott
Time
10:26
The Slate article has resulted in a fresh surge of support for The Raging Cow Boycott. Suddenly we’re back in the Top 5 for ‘raging cow’ searches in Google.

The most interesting support link yesterday came from Christina, whose recent thesis on the subject of blogs just passed with distinction. She’s due to get her Masters’ in Interwebnet policy/marketing/culture this May. And she thinks I’m right.

Almost makes it worth getting dressed this morning. Almost.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415
The Political Weblog Movement
Time
10:37
It looks like I may just have support from the right quarter. More later. Work awaits.

Here’s yesterday’s post on the subject for those who missed me creeping back onto my beige monster.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415

Time
12:34
Welcome to The United States of Whatever.

Great song, very cool show to go with it.

(Link via Headwindow, which is a shoe-in for the next update of the ‘follow me’ navigation selection.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415

Time
12:54
Oh dear. That’s a little worrying. And somewhat depressing.

UPDATE – It’s not an official site. William Hague hasn’t really published anything beyond this. I’m hoping that situation will change soon.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415
Why Politicians Need Weblogs
Time
22:55

I needed some all-purpose text to help folks along on the political weblog front. I’ll be posting this as a static article later tomorrow.

You have enough crap to read through, so I’ll make this brief.

Put simply, a weblog is an online diary. There are a number of different formats, and a wide variety of people that use them. Instead of publishing more or less static content that explains who you are and what you care about, a weblog format allows you to express yourself a sentence at a time. You tell people what’s happening, as it happens. If there’s further reading on the subject, you link to it. This can happen on a weekly, daily or hourly basis.

Running a weblog is so straightforward that many people who appreciate their value as a resource find it very easy to start one (or adopt the format for use on their existing site). This leads us to the issue of interaction.

A lot of the people that you reach via a weblog will post comments on a weblog of their own and link to you in the process. Some weblogs have an audience counting in the dozens, others into the hundred or thousands. Portals that watch or monitor such link activity have audiences reaching more towards hundreds of thousands. Good stuff – important stuff – reaches many, many people almost immediately in this way.

This publishing frequency (presented in the correct format) has a very positive effect not only on people, but also on the search engines that are using them increasingly to decide what is the most important, relevant and fresh result for any given search query.

A valid weblog will have a pronounced effect on the two top search databases on the planet – Google and Yahoo. People seeking information relating to issues you think to be important will invariably find your site among the top results.

End result?

You show the people who vote for you how hard you’re working, and attract the majority of those interested in issues you care about. You may even learn an important thing or two from us in the process.

It’s wonderfully organic, and it works. And you need it.

Early adopters who do it – and do it right – stand to benefit the most.

Get on with it. The next election is closer than you think.

Examples of weblogs by politicians:

Labour MP Tom Watson (UK)

Former senator Gary Hart (US)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030415

Time
23:23
“Ask the White House” — a live online interactive forum where you can communicate with White House and administration officials.

Next Guest: White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card

Time: 7pm – 7:30pm (ET)

Date: Wednesday, April 16

You can submit questions to “Ask the White House” one hour before the online discussion begins.

I may have a question or two. I’ll be nice. Ever so nice.

Thanks to Tom for the link – and the subtle hint.

UPDATE – It might be nice if a few people asked about senatorial weblogging. Show some interest, folks. Raise awareness. Make it happen.








About Tim Ireland

Tim is the sole author of Bloggerheads.
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