Could someone please clear the table?

This entry was posted on
Friday, April 22nd, 2005
3:41 pm and is filed
under It’s War! It’s Legal! It’s Lovely!, Tony ‘King Blair, UK General Election 2005.

I’d like to begin – if I may – by taking you back a month or so, when Blair likened his relationship with voters to a troubled marriage.

Now, there are several variations of this very old and rather pessimistic joke about marital relations, but the guts of it are as follows:

There are three stages to marital sex…

The first stage is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, when you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.The second stage is Bedroom Sex. This is when you only have sex in the bedroom. In the latter half of this stage, this usually requires an appointment.The third stage is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other as you go from room to room and say “Fuck you!”I’d like to pause this joke for a moment to point out that we are now well into Stage 3, and have been for some time. But that bitch Blair started it.In fact, if you’ve been paying attention, you’ll know that the government releasing/confirming David Kelly’s name wasn’t designed to stop “(being) seen as attempting to conceal something from the committee that was looking into this at the time” or any such nonsense. The measure was designed to “fuck Gilligan” (Campbell’s own words) and shut up the loud-mouths at the BBC who were blowing the gaff.Well, let’s be charitable here (there is a marriage at stake, after all). Perhaps it was just a very happy accident that Gilligan got fucked. Just as it was a happy accident that the Kelly name ‘came forward’ and they were then clear to confirm this.But, this Wednesday, Blair didn’t say; “I don’t believe we had any option, however, but to *confirm* his name…”What he said was; “I don’t believe we had any option, however, but to *disclose* his name..”Read the transcript and check it for yourself if you like. Then pop around to Tony’s and see if there’s a new baby if the house, because this is either an exceptional blunder attributable to sleep deprivation or a startling admission.Anyway, we were talking about sex… let’s get back to the sex:(joke continues)The fourth stage is Courtroom Sex. That’s where your partner screws you in court.You may laugh now. OK, all done? Let’s move on…For the purposes of clarity, we need to re-label Courtroom Sex as Electoral Sex (where we screw him at the polls or he gets to screw us for the next four years).Now, we’re about 13 days away from that, and we have enjoyed some foreplay of this nature, but somehow we’ve ended up back in the kitchen.Not for sex (just yet), but for one of those long and uncomfortable talks across the kitchen table where a last-ditch effort is made to save the relationship.And bugger me if everyone isn’t involved; from direct family members (cache) to reluctant in-laws. The poor, suffering children have been brought up a number of times (see: Why are we punishing the poor for Iraq?”) and Uncle Peter has slapped us about a bit and insisted that we’re being selfish and ignorant.But the relationship is over.Their response so far has been to point out that talking like that threatens the relationship. The one that’s over.But there’s still time for one last-ditch promise.Bloggerheads – A way forward (14 April): I don’t know about you, but I am in no doubt that – after months of dodging the issue and playing it down before the election – Blair will have no hesitation in presenting it as a referendum on Iraq as little as a day or week after. And at that time he will claim that the people have spoken and absolved him. Then it’ll be ‘boots on’ for continued manipulation of our fears of terrorism and more smiling faces pasted onto Tory policies.Independent – Tony Blair Interview (21 April): I put it to him that some voters are withdrawing their support from Labour because they worry that he would regard a substantial election victory as an endorsement of the war. His response is unequivocal. “There are going to be many people who vote Labour in this election who strongly disagree with Iraq. There are people in my own party, there are candidates for my own party, who disagreed with Iraq. There will be some people who will vote for other parties who agreed with me about Iraq. Of course, I can’t say that if we win this election that means everyone who supports us approved of Iraq. That would be absurd.”(*cough*)Hrm. Best make that one last-ditch promise with a get-out clause. He can still claim vindication even without claiming that “everyone who supports us approved of Iraq”.We’re this far down the line and he’s still using word-games and confidence tricks.Just like he did with Paxman the other night when he said that; “I don’t run a sofa style of government. There were over 20 cabinet discussions of the Iraq war. ” … while failing to mention that the cabinet never saw the legal advice, which was formed not on a sofa, but a couch.Just like he has with the Independent by suggesting that it was events that put him in the ‘no middle way’ position, when really it was a crisis of his own making.And he’s tried to fool everybody with his “pretty straight guy” approach as he bangs on about what he “honestly believed at the time”, because it’s been clear for a very long time that he simply ignored any views or facts not in keeping with those beliefs.This. Relationship. Is. Over.All that remains is the obligatory grudge-fuck. Who gets to be on top remains to be seen, but at least we will have enjoyed one last trip to the kitchen.

About Tim Ireland

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