Missile Bases in the Sky!

Posted by Tim Ireland at 22 January 2008

Category: It's War! It's Legal! It's Lovely!

This entry was posted on
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
at
10:52 am and is filed
under It’s War! It’s Legal! It’s Lovely!.

The Lion Book of War Adventures (1962 Annual)Tch. We’re pathetic, aren’t we?

Almost a decade into the 21st century, and the long-promised flying cars, moving sidewalks, one-size-fits-all silver jumpsuits and cities on the moon continue to elude us.

Remember when we used to dream of a better world for our children?

Remember when seemingly insurmountable challenges fell before our superior technology like nine-pins as we strode into the future as masters of our destiny?

And where are we now?

I’ll tell you where we are now… we’re up shit-creek without a paddle.

According to the 1962 Lion Book of War Adventures (first printed in 1961), our technology and even our approach to war has now been rendered obsolete by the future of the past.

Look on in horror and cower in fear as I present this special report on Missile Bases in the Sky!

(In the f’kin *SKY*, people!!!)

Lion Book of War Adventures 1962: Missile Bases in the Sky! 1 of 6

[———- fold ———-]

Text: Ability to travel over land and water at high speed will make the hovercraft an important weapon of the future. Powered by super-jet engines and built to enormous sizes, their duties will be many and various… Hovercraft trailing Asdic submarine detectors in the sea will play an important part in defending Britain’s trade routes in future war.

Holy crap! We’re still mucking around a few inches from sea level… and these bastards are already in the sky!(In the f’kin *SKY*, people!!!)And if it comes down to trade routes, our enemies from the future of the past will have us for breakfast. We struggle to get goods from one side of an ocean to another… and even then it’s not safe if/when it reaches the shore.

Lion Book of War Adventures 1962: Missile Bases in the Sky! 2 of 6

Text: No need for troops to land on heavily-defended beaches with the Commando assault hovercraft. Soldiers will travel across the sea in giant landing-craft, skim across beaches and disembark many miles inland ready for battle.

Well, now we’re in for it. No man-made or natural defence (except maybe a very, very tall cliff) can hold back their superior hovercraft.

Text: Able to move over land or sea, the hovercraft has an advantage over the sea-locked Polaris submarine as a deterrent missile-carrier.

‘Deterrent’ my arse. Those missiles are clearly being used. In the SKY!!! Speaking of which, I take back what I said about cliffs. If you take a look at the illustration of their nuclear capability that leaves Polaris and Trident behind like drowned rats, you will clearly see these nuke-launching hovercraft are flying at cloud level.Cloud level!!We are so doomed.

Lion Book of War Adventures War Stories 1962: Missile Bases in the Sky! 3 of 6

Text: Like anti-aircraft guns on a ship, the self-defensive ICBM will carry its own protection against anti-missile rockets. Locating defence missiles with radar, and computing courses by miniature electronic brains, the ICBM will launch its own rockets against attackers.

The anti anti-missile missile! Genius!Here’s a perfect example of how stupid we are; when did we stop experimenting with rockets firing from rockets?FFS, these days we even waste our satellite and miniature electronic brain technology on Sat Nav gadgets, mobile phones and iPods… meanwhile, somewhere in the future of the past, work continues on the anti anti-anti-missile-missile missile. It boggles the mind.

Lion Book of War Adventures 1962: Missile Bases in the Sky! 4 of 6

Text: While the oceans exists so will the Navy – but the warship of the future will have to operate underwater to escape attention… Armed with atomic torpedoes, steered with the aid of long-range underwater radar and powered by nuclear reactors, these super-submarines will cruise and fight entirely below surface. They will be housed and repaired in underground docks almost immune from attack.

We *suck*!OK, so a city on the moon is a tall order, but all we’re really talking about here is digging a very big hole in the ground for a secret base. We can do it and we even know how to do it, but too often secret base development is left to *set-designers* who make movies for *entertainment*.As a result, we’ll soon be pissing away our futuristic bomber technology on bombing runs that will do little more than scare the fish.Meanwhile, our enemies will be safely underground going ‘la la-la…. la la-la-la… dee dee dum’ and we won’t so much as dent their submarines… and I bet they can bloody well fly and all.Nothing would surprise me after their solving this little problem with underwater radar. Clever buggers.

Lion Book of War Adventures 1962: Missile Bases in the Sky! 5 of 6

Text: Orbiting around the earth thousands of miles out in space, and equipped with long range missiles, missile stations would open fire at the press of a button. Electronic devices would fend off attacking rockets.

Thousands of miles into space? You what? While our International Space Station potters along at a mere 200 or so miles up?Those electronic devices of the button-pushing bastards of the future of the past are far too quick off the mark to take head-on… so we have to strive for higher and wider orbits if we want any chance of sneaking up on them.

Text: Steered by remote control through a television eye, these nuclear-powered land monsters will travel at 60 miles per hour. Armed with nerve gas ejectors for short-range fighting, super-tanks will be of radiation proof design and will be able to ‘swim’ across rivers.

Nerve gas! F’kin nerve gas!!!!! Bastards!See what I mean about these sods being ahead of us even in the very *approach* to war? We ‘um’ and ‘ah’ about simple cluster bombs, won’t use the word ‘napalm’, even when we’re using it and we even argue about using white phosphorous for battlefield illumination that personal touch.These remote-controlled nuclear-powered gas-monsters will murder us all… and we can’t even run into the sea!

Lion Book of War Adventures 1962: Missile Bases in the Sky! 6 of 6

Text: Powered by magnetic forces which surround the earth, and able to change direction in a fraction of a second, flying saucers will be able to divert missiles back to their own bases.

Back to their own *bases*?OK, that’s the last straw. Nobody likes a smart-arse.Someone needs to teach these war-mongering scoundrels from the future of the past a lesson.But when will something be done? Why aren’t we right now tapping the magnetic forces which surround the earth in readiness?I would guess from that sea of blank faces that you have no answer to that. Perhaps we deserve to lose.Coming Soon: Bloggerheads welcomes the evil overlords from the future of the past with open arms and offers top-secret information regarding next-generation nuclear power stations that may be of use to the future regime (of a future past).








3 Comments

  1. julian bond says

    Bring Back Retro-Futurism!

  2. Sim-O says

    Erm, WTF?

  3. Manic says

    It's that kind of attitude that dooms us all, Sim-O.

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