The half-time match report (with Nick and Elroy)

Posted by Tim Ireland at 11 February 2008

Category: The Political Weblog Movement

This entry was posted on
Monday, February 11th, 2008
at
12:50 pm and is filed
under The Political Weblog Movement.

Well, there it is, Elroy. The half-time whistle has just blown, and the players are clearing the field for what promises to be a spectacular half-time show. The official line-up is largely under wraps, but I’ve heard that we can expect to see a belly-dancer speaking about human rights, an exclusive performance by David Cameron and Anne Milton, the comedy stylings of the London Metropolitan Police… and there’s even a rumour going about that you and I will be doing a musical number.

Nick

I couldn’t possibly comment on that, Nick… but I will say that, like Paul Staines, we may be experiencing the sweet, sweet pain of a regrettable incident from our past coming back to haunt us… and I’m not talking Newsnight here.

Elroy

Ouch! Speaking of Paul Staines, we’ve not seen much from that player this first half, apart from a sneaky code change early in the match, a completely irrelevant tackle on Tom Watson, and a soul-searching sideline performance explaining the careful thinking that goes into his repeated references to nose-picking and some nonsense about a rocking horse.

Nick

Yes, but do keep in mind that young Paul has a long track record of not actually engaging on the playing field himself unless it’s during a time-out or long after the final whistle has blown, so keep an eye out, because the lad could move at any moment now that it’s half-time and everyone else is chugging Gatorade in the locker rooms.

Elroy

Quite so, Elroy. And one question the people at home will certainly be asking is; “Will Tim Ireland reveal the unseen comment that was refused or deleted by Donal Blaney’s team-mate Shane Greer just before that player decided it might be safer to run with a ban?”

Nick

All signs point to ‘yes’, Nick. In fact, we’ve just had submitted to the desk a series of previously unseen emails that show another of Greer’s team-mates Phil Hendren attempting to prompt a ‘stalker’ claim during the first half, with little success.

Elroy

A futile tactic from Phil Hendren there, Elroy… but at least it’s a new one, and at least he’s trying to stay in the game. He went out injured after a rough but fair tackle on Iain Dale’s site during this early exchange and it’s heartening to see him and Dominic Fisher keeping their hand in as they spit dummies and throw kidney-punches from the sidelines. If they can get on the field during the second half, perhaps we’ll finally see some good old-fashioned sock-puppeting and trolling out there.

Nick

Amen to that, Nick. Speaking of Iain Dale and the fine art of sock-puppeting howzabout that shocking but sadly incomplete ‘axe killer’ tackle of his?

Elroy

I have to pull you up there sorry, Elroy. The tackle was incomplete because Iain Dale still flatly refuses to confirm or deny if he was behind it. Without confirmation, we can’t award the tackle at all.

Nick

Ah, yes. Quite so. Still, a glorious example of playing the man and not the ball, and worth a mention despite Iain Dale’s current state of semi-plausible deniability. Perhaps he’ll come out with one of his classic less-than-gracious admissions in the second half.

Elroy

One can only hope so, Elroy. And what of that final spectacular Friday afternoon catch from MessageSpace?

Nick

I must have missed that one, Nick. MessageSpace was there for the kick-off, but I haven’t seen hide nor hair of them since then. Unless you count Paul Staines, the advisor to their major shareholder.

Elroy

That’s because it was a *secret* play, Elroy. Perhaps more details will come out during the second half, but for now all we have is their official response to this question, which we’ll share with the viewers now:

“We do not comment on rumours or speculation.” – Jag Singh, Chief Information Officer, MessageSpace

Nick

Wow, that’s quite a twist, Nick. Especially considering how the advisor to their major shareholder conducts himself on his website. Last time I looked, that website was chock full of rumours and speculation.

Elroy

You bet it is, Elroy. And MessageSpace can’t hope to keep passing the ball in the hope that no-one will tackle them, because it’s been a rough game so far and one really can’t expect Tim Ireland to keep taking cheap shots without at least playing a little hardball.

Nick

Right with you there, Nick. In fact, if his past is any indication, Tim will most probably step past that ‘advisor to their major shareholder’ dodge and follow the money… and I can’t see that leading to anywhere pleasant.

Elroy

My *God*, Elroy! That’s a hell of a link to drop on people… especially during half-time. Are you sure you’re not one of Tim Ireland’s sock-puppets?

Nick

What? How *dare* you?! This is an outrage! I’ll sue! Just you wait and see; I’ll sue you for every penny you’ve got and then some! Maybe.

Elroy








5 Comments

  1. Piers says

    Please stop putting posts like that. My colleagues are all looking at me oddly. Probably because I couldn't help laughing out loud.

  2. scotch says

    Anne Milton has now received an email from me asking some pertinent questions about her familiar employees. (New readers, I'm in the same constituency as yer man running the place here). I wonder whether my reply will be from her or Simon Hill, her (I believe unrelated) staffer, whose salary, job description, or even failure criteria I have never inquired about.

  3. Manic says

    Good on you, Scotch. Just in time for the half-time show, too.:o)(You'll find the costumes over on the left. Rehearsals tonight, show-time tomorrow.)

  4. gavin_mcghee says

    Blimey O'Reilly, Dizzy really is a twat isn't he. I assume he was all talk about 'phoning. God, what a loser. I'm genuinely amazed someone would stoop quite as low as that. Dunno what to say.Top posting.

  5. irritant says

    Excellent post.

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