Archive for the ‘Page 3 – News in Briefs’ Category

Posted by Tim Ireland at 21 June 2005

Category: Page 3 - News in Briefs

Try not to think about the implausible claims of WMDs. Try not to balance these claims with the fact that we used WMDs on Iraqis.

We did – after all – bring democracy to that country!

What’s that I hear you say? The civilian death toll soared following that ‘mission accomplished’ moment? They’ve started to climb again since we saw the first purple-finger-of-hope thrust skywards?

Damn it, people – that’s because you’re not clapping hard enough!

Iraq would have been a complete success had we all believed in it. And – even though people are dying on a daily basis – it’s still a Good Thing.

George Bush: “Our troops are fighting these terrorists in Iraq so you will not have to face them here at home.”

Y’see? This is a Good Thing. We The insurgents turned Iraq into a terrorist hotspot (and, as we all know, all insurgents are terrorists), and we may have swept weapons into their hands, but this is still a Good Thing. If you look at it from a certain viewpoint. Like, say, from 6,000 miles away. Admittedly, the Iraqis may be less than pleased with this ‘central front’ brought to their doorstep, but – damn it – we brought them democracy!

Also, because we refused to tolerate the unlawful actions of a brutal dictator, we have – through our strength of will – brought them *justice*.

But you’re still not clapping hard enough. This is why we have to *show* you the good work that has been done by ‘accidentally’ leaking pictures of Saddam Hussein in his underwear and, today, expanding on the theme with a series of Pentagon-approved interviews with his guards…

The Sun – Sadd the sexist: Saddam Hussein is a sexist pig who believes wives should cook, clean and be kept in check by their husbands, his guards have revealed. The captured tyrant is also fanatical about cleanliness, loves crisps and Raisin Bran Crunch cereal, and is a fan of late US president Ronald Reagan. The fresh insight into the Butcher of Baghdad’s life as a prisoner was given by five US soldiers who have been his personal jailers at a secret military compound for nine months.

And, just in case any girly-men are reading…

The Sun – Don’t pity him: The picture painted of Saddam Hussein by his young captors is a misleading one. By telling the world that Saddam loves Raisin Bran Crunch, is friendly and talkative, and does his own laundry, there is a danger the former Iraqi dictator will be seen as Mr Nice Guy. He isn’t. He is a murderous maniac who killed hundreds of thousands of his own people without a trace of guilt, like a man swatting a fly. He defied the world by refusing to obey international law. Saddam got everything he deserved. He is not worthy of your sympathy.

And, just in case you *still* miss the point, we’ve got a handy boiled-down version served up with a side of naked breasts on Page 3

Today, Becky (24, from London) is fascinated by the insight into Saddam’s prison life. She says: “It’s incredible to hear about the world’s most notorious prisoner sitting eating Raisin Bran Crunch. The fact he’s obsessed with washing his hands isn’t surprising… it shows he has a guilty conscience.”

See? There you have it. The girl with the tits has spoken. We’ve caged the monster and fed him rabbit food. Saddam got his just desserts. Erm, even though it’s a breakfast cereal. Which goes to show you – once again – that this is a complicated issue that you cannot hope to fully understand.

Now stop thinking and start *clapping*, damn you!








Posted by Tim Ireland at 15 June 2005

Category: Page 3 - News in Briefs

Today, Page 3 stunna Neval (22, from London) believes Micahel Jackson’s career could be over despite his acquittal on child abuse charges. She says: “The case was a tremendous drain on him. Some people will always have their doubts about Jacko – and I don’t think he can ever be the king of pop again.”

See also:

Lincoln Journal Star – Media’s tabloid coverage hurts their credibility: Media interest in celebrity trials is certainly nothing new. It goes back to at least 1921 when William Randolph Hearst used Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle’s trial on rape and murder charges to boost circulation of his newspaper chain. That ploy worked. Arbuckle was eventually found innocent, but his career was decimated. That, however, was of little concern to Hearst, who made his money and moved on to the next scandal.

BTW, wasn’t it nice of Rupert Murdoch and friends to react to the decision not to hold this trial in the glare of the media by staging their own media circus anyway?

The BBC reported last week in a documentary that during the trial (and the ‘trial’) Edward Moss, the man hired to portray Jackson in the re-enactments, was busy promoting a new single and video. The title of the single; Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Me Off

Sadly, today I can find no mention of it at Moss site No. 1 or Moss site No. 2

I’ve tried to get an explanation/clarification from Moss’s management, but haven’t had much luck so far. Perhaps you’d care to try:

Dan Gore
(626) 943-3156
for promotional video & material
iconsprods@aol.com








Posted by Tim Ireland at 3 June 2005

Category: Page 3 - News in Briefs

Today Page 3 lovely Louise (19, from Manchester) thinks we should be given a chance to reject “the hated EU treaty” and adds: “Tony Blair promised us a referendum. Most Brits would jump at the chance to go to the polls and say No.”

The Scum says: It’s plain to see why Tony Blair doesn’t want to call a referendum. The Sun’s poll on the European constitution proves beyond doubt that Blair would lose by a mile. Of those people who have made up their minds, 72 per cent would vote No and only 28 per cent Yes. Just like the French and the Dutch, the people of Britain know a pig in a poke when they see one. Not that the eurocrats see it that way. Neil Kinnock, who never lets his rejection by the British people hinder his desire to lecture them, whinges that the votes in France and Holland were a triumph for ignorance. He says voters had not been properly informed about the benefits of the European masterplan so they voted the wrong way. What overweening arrogance. Kinnock shows why an elite and aloof Brussels will never be trusted.

(holds head in hands)








Posted by Tim Ireland at 31 May 2005

Category: Page 3 - News in Briefs

Page 3 girl Becky (24, from London) is delighted with the French for voting “non” to the EU Constitution. She says: “It’s not often the French are our friends but they have done us proud.”

How happy for Becky that her views are so similar to those of her employer.








Posted by Tim Ireland at 4 May 2005

Category: Page 3 - News in Briefs, Tony 'King Blair, UK General Election 2005

UPDATE (10 Jan 2006): Click here for the ‘give respect, get respect’ campaign.

1. Michael Howard is due to patrol Guildford High St from 10:30am this morning. If you’re in the area, I have a small favour to ask.

2. You know I can’t resist saying “I told you so!”

Nudge, wink, vote!3. The Scum have come out in support of Blair with a front page, interview, and editorial that declares he is worthy of your vote because he is a “decent, caring family man”… with a large cock that he can put to good use up to 5 times a night. I kid you not. The article only appears in the newspaper, but here’s a juicy excerpt from the interview:

CB: Oh come on Tony, strip off. Let’s see that fit body we’ve been talking about.
TB: You can keep your hands to yourself, Cherie!
Scum: So how fit are you Tony?
CB: Very!
Scum: What, at least five times a night?
TB: At least, I can do it more depending on how I feel.
Scum: Are you always up to it?
CB: He always is!
TB: Right that’s enough – interview over. And I’m not doing any kissing pictures! Come on, woman, time to cook my dinner.

This is not a joke, people. This is an actual excerpt from the interview. Sadly, the Page 3 girl fails to focus on that lovely, lovely cock and instead wraps her legs around Tony’s family cred…

Today Ruth (22, from Kent) thinks it’s heart-warming that Tony and Cherie have such a strong, loving marriage. She says: “It can only be good for Britain – a stable Prime Minister means a stable country.”

Actually, that’s not a bad maxim. Too bad it falls over when you consider that Blair will continue to be a liability after the election.

He was on Radio 4 this morning pushing the line (again) that September 11 changed everything; therefore he felt he had to take action to stop the proliferation of WMDs. Starting with Iraq. But Iraq was such a failure in terms of logistics and public trust that he’s now nobbled if he wishes to tackle the further threats that he lists (Iran, North Korea etc.), so even if you take this argument at face value, Blair still looks like a failure and a liability. Because of the way he handled matters over Iraq, there is no way he’s going to be able convince the British people to get involved in armed conflict over such threats, be they alleged, possible, theoretical or actual.

But don’t let that stop you from thinking about his enormous cock.








Posted by Tim Ireland at 18 April 2005

Category: Page 3 - News in Briefs, Rupert 'The Evil One' Murdoch, UK General Election 2005

Sheer gallThe Scum – Rock The Vote UK: In January the world watched in awe as eight million Iraqis braved terrorist slaughter to take part in the country’s first general election for a lifetime. In some parts of the ravaged country, turnout was a staggering 90 per cent. Women in tears were determined to have their first-ever say in the greatest event in the democratic calendar. Yet in Britain on May 5, millions will stay home and watch EastEnders or go to the pub rather than decide how – and by whom – their nation is governed. Today The Sun is launching a Rock The Vote campaign to get our readers and every other able-bodied person out on the big day to say who they want in Parliament. Our drive, which mirrors a similar US initiative, is backed by a host of celebrities including rock’s Justin Hawkins and Noel Gallagher, soccer’s Sir Alex Ferguson and athletics’ Dame Kelly Holmes… Tony Blair last night backed The Sun’s Rock the Vote campaign. “The vote is a very precious thing,” he said. “It’s easy for people to be cynical. Easy, but wrong. On May 5 every single voter has the same power in their hands. They should use it.”

Let’s just ignore the fact that it’s easy to be cynical and vote, and move on, shall we?

Take a look at how this is introduced; with the unquestionable glory of democracy brought to Iraq via the miracle of precision bombing. Then take a look at the original Rock The Vote and the core issue it addresses.

Then – even if you disregard snide asides about “George Galloway’s unrespectable Respect” – you need no more than a quick ponder on who benefits most from an increased turnout to see what this hijack is all about.

Apathy isn’t the problem the instigators of this event; activism is. What they want to do is get out a ‘duh’ vote on their terms and associate it with a movement that openly challenged their version of reality.

Yes, let’s reach the youth and empower them.

Hey kids! I just used the word ’empower’… and you know what that means, don’t you? Yes, it’s time for tits!

Today Nikkala (23, from Middlesex) hopes readers will heed The Sun’s Rock The Vote campaign. She says: “If we don’t use our right to vote, the country heads for apathy. Get out there and cast your vote.”

I think there’s scope for a competing event. Brian Eno is my starting point. Emailing in 5, 4, 3, 2…

UPDATE – Brian has bunked off to Canada. Working on other contacts…








Posted by Tim Ireland at 11 April 2005

Category: Page 3 - News in Briefs

8th April 2005 – Sarah (21, from Crawley) gets her jubblies out to welcome Charles and Camilla’s plan to confess “sins and wickedness” in their wedding prayers. She adds: Charlie’s really brave. He must love Camilla if he’s prepared to do that in front of millions watching on TV. I think once it’s over, they should be left alone to enjoy a happy marriage.”

Alas, it was not to be… but surely only because Charles’ love proved to be not quite as deep and profound as the Page 3 girls Rebekah Wade first suspected. For one thing, there’s not nearly enough snogging!

11th April 2005 – Page 3 favourite Zoe (24, from London) ‘reckons’ Prince Charles should have kissed Camilla in public. She says: It’s a shame he didn’t give her a peck. It would have been a lovely show of affection.”








Posted by Tim Ireland at 18 March 2005

Category: Page 3 - News in Briefs

Today Page 3 girl Nicola T (23, from Croydon) is “awestruck” by the bravery of Private Johnson Beharry, who has been awarded the VC. She says: “To put your life at risk the way he did, not once but twice, deserves the very highest honour.”

Yes, and his chest must swell with pride now he knows that…. (erm, I was going to put a joke about swelling chests here, but decided against it).








Posted by Tim Ireland at 15 March 2005

Category: Page 3 - News in Briefs

Murdoch’s bitch-slapping of Blair continues in The Sun, with news that the NHS is in crisis and patients are sleeping in offices.

They urge you to buy today’s paper so you can; see the shocking picture that sums up the disgraceful state of the NHS – a hospital so overcrowded that patients are forced to sleep in an OFFICE… It shows that despite 398 billion being pumped into health in the eight years since Tony Blair came to power, the state of medical services is still a scandal.

There’s not much to see, really; just a desk, a filing cabinet, and… an empty bed!

Still, their cartoonist manages to convey this shocking state of affairs by comparing the arrangement to a gypsy camp.

And the Page 3 girl is onside, of course…

Today Ruth (22, from Kent, and badly in need of a sandwich) is horrified to learn (that) patients are being housed in offices. She says: “It’s quite disgraceful that this should happen because there is no room on the wards. How would NHS bosses like that to happen to their sick relatives?”

Meanwhile, the Tories may or may not be making an issue of abortion (read post *and* comments).

Also, Neil has popped up to point out the following detail on the Conservative website: Any person living in the United Kingdom is eligible to join the Conservative Party. Applicants are not required to be registered voters or UK nationals.

Perhaps we should do a recruitment drive targeting all them illegal terrorist asylum seekers that want to sleep with our jobs and blow up our women.








Rebekah Wade has a thing for horsesYou may recall that the Osbournes got robbed the last time (almost) everybody was talking about security measures and the legal advice given for the invasion of Iraq (November 22 and 23 2004) but I’m *pretty* sure The Sun doesn’t have a team of professional crims on the payroll to provide timely distractions.

No, what I find most curious about this two-day sequence of front pages is that horse. Remember the puppy thrown off an overpass that got more coverage than the Abu Ghraib torture victims? (Click here and scroll to bottom.)

Now, as British soldiers are found guilty of abusing Iraqi prisoners and sentencing is nigh, Wade has decided to reserve the front page for the Queen’s guards getting a horse drunk.

This is yet another instance where Rebekah Wade seems to be suggesting that Iraqis are less important than animals. Either that, or she’s been reading Bloggerheads and this is a secret message to let me know that she has a thing for horses.

(ahem)

Speaking of such matters, the fun continues on Page 3 where, following Blair’s somewhat desperate ploy of upping the minimum wage, work-a-day peeps (who would well-and-truly freak out if they knew about this tax-dodging motherhumper) are assured by The Girl With The Boobs that all is well and the economy is strong.

Today Jak (19, from Tunbridge Wells) is delighted that British business is booming. And she’s doing her own bit for exports – by taking 10,000 advance orders for her single Come On. She adds: “Profits are up for British business. That’s a good sign the economy is doing just fine.”

Hrm. The propaganda is there, but somehow someone also found space to work in a plug for Jak’s single. This *may* have something to do with Jak being the stepdaughter of an executive editor.

UPDATE – Boris Johnson – Sorry, Blair, but that is so much phooey: Under the Bill that went through the Commons last night, the Home Secretary (the chap with the big ears and the white bumfluff beard) will be able to inflict this incarceration indefinitely upon any British person that he suspects – on the basis of we are not allowed to know what evidence – of being involved in “terrorism-related activities”. Above all, he will be able to do this without any obligation to bring that person to trial, and there, I think, he goes too far.

UPDATE – Perfect.co.uk – Minority Report (an extract won’t do it justice, I’m afraid; you’ll have to go and read it)

UPDATE – Peter Gasston – Proud to be civilised: None of the Iraqis were asked to give evidence; the British army says it could not find them. The Independent found them in 48 hours, living within a few km of the British base (note: the story is not online at the moment due to legal issues). They claim they were beaten by the British soldiers as suspected thieves; some of them, however, were employees of the camp.

UPDATE – Ahahahahahahahaha! Curtail those civil liberties! Quickly! Before the terrorists get us! Don’t think! Do it NOW! Chop-chop! Oooh, look out… I think I can hear them coming (and so on and so forth)….

The Scum – Don’t delay: There is no reason now for the Tories to stand in the way of the anti-terror laws. The Government has listened to the concerns of those who say, rightly or wrongly, that locking up suspects solely on the say-so of a politician is wrong. On Monday an amendment will be made so that a judge is involved in this process at an early stage. That will safeguard civil liberties. So Parliament must get on with making this new law effective as soon as possible. Every delay is one more day when the terrorists could inflict a dreadful outrage on this country and its citizens. No political party would ever be forgiven if its actions caused a delay which allowed a disaster to happen.

UPDATE – Press Release: Boris Johnson MP denounces Government’s latest Anti-Terror plans

Boris, you fool! Can you not hear them coming for us?! RIGHT *NOW*?! Stop this madness and get on board before we all get blowed up, man!

;O)

UPDATE – The UK Today – End of an era: And what a corrupting influence power is. Back in 1994, the Labour Shadow Home Secretary stated that; “the liberty of the subject should be taken away not by the act of a politician, but by a court of law.” The name of this clear-thinking individual? Tony Blair.

UPDATE – Via WibblerBoing Boing – UK Labour MP flays govt over terror laws – incredible speech!: UK Labour MP Brian Sedgemore has given his last speech in Parliament, and it’s a doozy: he excoriates – nay, flays alive – the Blair government and Labour’s tame backbenchers for collaborating to turn Britain into a police state in the name of fighting terrorism.








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