16-28 February, 2003

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Date
20030216
Impressions of the Anti-War March in London
Time
12:08


Practicalities

I went well-armed with supplies and not one, but 17 placards. There were a number of bottlenecks, most notably that U-turn they expected everybody to take at Embankment, that got you down to the river via a narrow set of stairs. Stupid. We headed two blocks north, 6 blocks west, and planned to join from there. As luck would have it, this put us pretty much right at the head of the march, so I was there to see the two marches from north and south meet. That was a highlight.

The General Mood

This was very much a march of the people, so there were lots of little people in prams and quite a few old people with walking sticks. Despite the extreme crowding in places, folks kept an eye out for each other and the mood was quite cordial and pleasant.

The Mood at Hyde Park

Whenever a speaker pointed out that nobody was listening to us or said ‘no’ to the war on Iraq, they got a resounding: ‘YEAAAAAAH!’

When the subject turned to Israel and the Palestinian victims, it was more like: ‘yeeeeeah…’

We can’t be blamed, really. The information required to become aware of and/or upset about this is mostly kept from us, but here’s an increasingly quoted factoid to start you off. (In fact, it was quoted in part at least once yesterday and caused quite a sensation on the ground as many, many people asked each other: ‘Wow, is that true?’)

Iraq has violated 12 UN resolutions. Israel has violated 68. Look it up.

Campaigns Within The Campaign

The street traders were out in force, with most of them flogging whistles and horns at about £1 a throw. Most people who bought the whistles found that the pea lost its pip about a mile down the road. Still, there’s not much you can do about this sort of thing. I could, however, make a small personal statement about the pamphleteers that plague such events. If you ran the gauntlet of political pushers at the gates of Hyde Park you may just have received a copy of the directives from The Universal Church of the Interactive Network. Yes, I actually went armed with a pile of these and handed them out with all the sincerity I could muster.

The Daily Bloody Mirror

The irony of their attempt to cash in on the ‘not in our name’ movement seems to have escaped the folks at The Daily Mirror, who provided thousands of highly branded placards for the day. The first action of most people who collected/inherited one of these banners was to fold down or tear off the top corners in order to remove the newspaper’s prominent logo.

Next Time

There were a large number of placards that were abandoned due to slight damage and/or a poor attempt to censor the branding or group affiliation displayed on it. If this situation arises again, I do believe I’ll go armed with some adhesive, a staple gun, and several sheets of A2 to bring said placards back to life with new, unbranded messages at a small recycling centre by the side of the road.

Beyond The March

I’m quite disturbed by the attempts (already) to dismiss this as a one-day wonder. A campaign of civil disobedience was suggested on the day, and I’m pretty much on the road to that now.

A lot of people complained on the march and at the rally that Tony Blair wasn’t listening to them.

I can relate. I receive his bloody email and he won’t even acknowledge me.

However, the email situation gives me a voice that I would otherwise be robbed of. (I work freelance, so going on strike isn’t quite an option for me.)

If Tony Blair thought I was a pain in the arse before, he’s going to be even less impressed with me from here on in.

Still, the feeling is pretty mutual as it stands. The move of throwing transparent spin to the public via Murdoch’s and Desmond’s papers was, I felt, beneath contempt – but Blair obviously saw it as his only bolt-hole.

A real leader would have made the tough decision. Taken the harder road. Even if it was only about politics, all Blair had to do to win the next election – and his place in history – was turn up to Hyde Park yesterday and do the right thing.

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Date
20030217

Time
09:14
Read the full transcript of Blair’s speech in Glasgow and then discover the fatal consequences of excessive masturbation.

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Date
20030217

Time
09:19
Google buys Pyra (the company behind Blogger.com).

Lycos doesn’t stand a chance.

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Date
20030217

Time
09:22
OK… you’re a news editor who works for Murdoch, so you can’t focus too much on the peace marches but – dammit – you need something to get people to buy the Sunday edition or Rupert will have your butt in a sling.

Solution: ‘Spice Girls To Reunite’

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Date
20030217

Time
09:28
This F-15 fighter jet flying low and looping around a smaller airplane wasn’t a response to a terrorist threat – it was just a flight instructor with the Oregon Air National Guard wanting to do a fly-by to impress his grandmother. The guy in the smaller plane was his uncle. He’s a state senator.

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Date
20030217

Time
09:35
Each and every one of Rupert Murdoch’s 175 newspapers is right behind the war on Iraq, come hell (see: Richard Desmond) or high water (see: Robert Maxwell).

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Date
20030217

Time
09:56
Hello to all of the wonderful people who’ve found Bloggerheads.com by searching for Tony Blair’s email address (there have been a lot of you since last Friday).

In case you haven’t seen it yet, this is the only way to email Tony Blair:

This link generates an email that, once delivered, will print out on Tony Blair’s fax machine.

While you’re here, I should probably also point out that Bloggerheads isn’t normally this political – we’re just warming up for some serious civil disobedience.

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Date
20030217
Tony Blair’s Email: The Letters
Time
11:35
—–Original Message—–

From : Julyane Xxxxx

To : tony-blair@prime-minister.co.uk

Date : 15 February 2003 02:18:42

Subject : Support from the USA

–> Dear Mr. Blair,

–> Thank you for standing with President Bush during this difficult time.

–> Please maintain your current stance and don’t let the anit-war demonstrators

–> deter you. 95% of all Americans are behind you and President Bush. Don’t be

–> misled by the Hollywood Wackos!

–> Sincerely,

–> Julayne Xxxxx

Dear Julayne,

You may be less than impressed to discover that Tony Blair’s email is currently under the control of the aforementioned Hollywood Wackos. Well, Wackos at least. I’d love to be a Hollywood Wacko, but I can’t get anybody interested in my script about a 30ft cybernetic teddy bear with the brain of a goldfish who finds love on the streets of New York city. Go figure.

Regards,

Tim Ireland

Born Again Peacemonger

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

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Date
20030217

Time
11:37
Greenpeace has a new ‘no war’ blog.

There isn’t much there now, but you can change that by sending them your stories of protest action.

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Date
20030217

Time
15:04
Heh. I’ve been plagiarised.

My fault for not making a John Howard version of this picture in time for the march, I suppose.

Thanks to Graham for spotting this.

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Date
20030218
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:14
Everyone’s buzzing about Google’s purchase of Blogger.com

Here’s what The Guardian had to say about it and perhaps you can also find time to read an opinion piece by the developers of Movable Type. If all of this is too much information for you, then perhaps this short, sharp take by kottke.org is more your speed.

Oh, and topping the chart today is this Wired article about the Stupid Security Awards, a competition to discover the world’s most ‘pointless, intrusive, stupid and self-serving security measure.’

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Date
20030218

Time
09:22
Heh. And you thought I had problems with a certain Star Wars picture

Laura never quite got over her failed relationship with Dave (24 years ago, admittedly with some unresolved issues that came to head just over a decade ago). Now she paints naked pictures of Dave and publishes them on her website to work out her ‘rage and anger.’

Dave had better watch his back. This woman has been stewing in her own juices for far too long, and the paint fumes cannot be helping.

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Date
20030218

Time
09:31
Man falls to his death: dog arrested. What a stitch-up! The dog wasn’t even there when the man fell. All it did was bite him hard enough to see him end up in hospital – where he fell off the bed and died.

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Date
20030218

Time
09:36
Waitress in bird suit (allegedly) molested by customer. There are two sides to this story, but I’m of the opinion that any girl dressed up as a giant red robin is just asking for it.

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Date
20030218

Time
09:41
Hey kids! Breath easy with the Mickey Mouse Gas Mask.

(Yes, it’s real. No, it doesn’t make you speak in a funny voice. Link via The Ultimate Insult.)

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Date
20030218

Time
09:44
Dog bless The Weekly World News, everybody’s favourite supermarket tabloid:Man dials wrong number and talks to Osama Bin Laden.

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Date
20030218

Time
09:48
Here’s a treat for the 3am Girls and Dominic Moronhair:

The Random Celebrity Rumour Generator

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Date
20030218

Time
09:50
Clare Kimmerle is 79 and has worked at the same McDonald’s outlet for nearly 33 years. In all that time she has never flipped a burger or worked the drive-through (she serves from time to time bust mostly sticks to her specialty – fries). She has also never eaten a Big Mac. They’re ‘too filling,’ she said, no doubt with the manager looming over her shoulder.

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Date
20030218

Time
09:56
Why nerds are unpopular – an indepth study (of sorts).

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Date
20030218

Time
09:58
Over the weekend I quoted the following factoid:

Iraq has violated 12 UN resolutions. Israel has violated 68.

I then, quite foolishly, closed with the suggestion that you ‘look it up.’

ExpatEgghead did just that, and has attempted to bring things into perspective with this very detailed post. Well worth a read, but do take it with a grain of salt. ExpatEgghead lives in Israel, so is obviously part of the vast Zionist conspiracy.



UPDATE – It was via ExpatEgghead that I discovered this excellent pro-war blog. When, I wonder, will someone trot along with a blogging tool that allows weblogs to state their position on war with some funky web-ringesque and statistics tool? It can’t be too far away.

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Date
20030218
Tony Blair’s Email: The Letters
Time
11:01
—–Original Message—–

From : Diane Xxxxx

To : tony-blair@prime-minister.co.uk

Date : 17 February 2003 22:58:49

Subject : THANK YOU.

–> Thank you for your honour and grand courage.

–> Perhaps the phrase “No More Chamberlains“

–> could be of help to you!

–>

–>With gratitude,

–>Diane Xxxxx

–>Dearborn, Michigan USA

Dear Diane,

Saddam Hussein has invaded Poland? Why wasn’t I informed?!

I’ll get the communications team onto your slogan; we’ve already worked this little number up and plan to release it to the press soon:

http://www.bloggerheads.com/images/penisinourtime.gif

In the meantime, can you please do me a favour? Across the road from Dearborn Street station is this little place that does dry cleaning, and next to that is a place that sells ribs…

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

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Date
20030218

Time
12:49
You’d almost think they were trying to scare us. What would you think if you went to the This Is London site and saw the headline 134 dead in Tube attack?

It has also been noticed by many that the withdrawal of the high-profile security teams at London airports pretty much coincided with the end of the London march.

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Date
20030218

Time
17:13
Hurrah – we have a potential spokesmodel.

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Date
20030219

Time
08:47
The CNN transcript of Hans Blix’s address to the UN Security Council was censored to remove passages that refuted Colin Powell’s ‘smoking gun’ presentation from earlier in the week.

Oh, and here’s some minor diddling of protestor figures for you to ponder on.

Important lesson to be learned: we cannot trust our leaders; we cannot trust our news providers.

As reasonable as this new ‘for the sake of humanity’ spin may seem, you have to remember that it is only the latest in a long line of shoddy justifications.

Finally, to prove that Bloggerheads respects the need for balanced reporting, we offer – complete and uncensored – the following selection of pro-war poetry.

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Date
20030219

Time
08:57
Saddam seems worried about a possible coup. Perhaps we should grease the wheels with an offer to oust Bush if the Iraqi people oust Saddam. All we need is a UN resolution and a team of election inspectors…

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Date
20030219

Time
09:00
When reality television goes wrong: Woman sues over alien homicide ‘prank’. We’re all laughing here, let me tell you.

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Date
20030219

Time
09:03
Do you want to hear some gossip about the Beckham punch-up? Do you really care?

Here’s the Popbitch take, just in case you do.

Me, I couldn’t give a rat’s arse. In fact, I’m pretty sure that this incident and the ‘Spice Girls to Reunite’ story were deliberated staged/concocted to keep the peace movement off the front page.

Could Victoria Beckham be in league with the shape-shifting aliens that secretly rule our lives? Remember, she is half-insect.

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Date
20030219

Time
09:10
Man detained for wearing a gas mask while driving. Patrols responded after being told to ‘look out for a white commercial van on Interstate 90 being driven by a man who appeared to be of Middle Eastern descent.’

How could they tell?

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Date
20030219

Time
09:14
Dogs can’t go in the snow. They’re not smart enough to write their own name, either.

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Date
20030219

Time
09:17
More on Google buying Blogger; this time from the BBC.

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Date
20030219

Time
09:18
Welcome to the Chicago Transit Authority, ladies. Get used to hearing the word ‘bitch.’

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Date
20030219

Time
09:20
Some wonderfully bad subtitles (link via The Ultimate Insult).

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Date
20030219

Time
09:53
Greetings once again to all of the new people who’ve found us while searching for Tony Blair’s email address.

As part of our developing program of civil disobedience, we offer you this email-to-fax link. Clicking on this link will generate an email that goes straight to Blair’s fax machine. Yes, it works – but use plain text and don’t mess about with attachments.

Enjoy.

UPDATE – Attention regulars! About 1/3 of the audience these days are new folks who’ve found us this way. What section of the site do you think I should bring to their attention so they stand the best chance of ‘getting’ Bloggerheads? Emails to the usual address.

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Date
20030219
Videos, Etc.
Time
12:17
Streaming media that kicks arse! Check out Discovery Channel’s interactive climb of Everest.

If this is too high-tech for you, then you might instead care to watch Star Wars in ASCII (that last one is an .EXE link).

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Date
20030219

Time
12:30
Well, waddya know? The Spice Girls story is nonsense. Still, it had us talking about a bigger threat than war for a few days.

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Date
20030219

Time
12:32
Ooh, my ears are burning

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Date
20030219

Time
15:56
A congestion charge game for suffering Londoners.

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Date
20030219
Tony Blair’s Email
Time
15:59
Tony Blair said in his press conference yesterday that: ‘Downing Street will be distributing to journalists emails and letters the prime minister says he has received from Iraqi exiles since his speech in Glasgow on Saturday.’

(Eduardo brought this to my attention, and I shall forever be in his debt.)

Perhaps Tony is referring to messages that arrived via this portal to his constituency address. Then again, perhaps these emails will be produced magically by the same department that gave us the most-recent ‘intelligence’ dossier.

Either way, he’s got a bloody nerve claiming to be listening on this front when he won’t even acknowledge little old me. I mean, I’ve only been reading his emails. And deleting them. And now answering them. And making rude pictures of his wife. Perhaps I should start answering emails by sending out rude pictures of his wife?

Hmm, I’ll have a think about that one. In the meantime, I have to email a few journalists and point out the gaping hole in this ridiculous statement.

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Date
20030219

Time
16:15
Yay! Pete Ashton spotted a ‘Kittens of Mass Destruction’ placard on the march and took this picture. James Caan also gets a special mention for describing Bloggerheads as a ‘Homosexual activist site.’

Heh. I have a notion to slap him silly.

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Date
20030220
Tony Blair’s Email: The Letter To Cherie
Time
01:16
I have what I consider to be a reliable email address for Cherie Blair. The following was sent to that address early this morning.

Dear Mrs Blair,

Please find attached an image of you that will take some explaining. I’ve been pretty open about my motivations throughout my campaign to reach your husband and get him to follow through on his promise of a publicly accessible email address, so you may wish to prepare yourself with the whole, sordid story before we go on:

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/

You also need to know that this email to you is being quoted word for word in my regular weblog. My readers need to know what the heck is going on, just as much as you do:

http://www.bloggerheads.com/

Thing is, I found myself looking at these images that I’d created of you and considering the reactions they got, when suddenly someone popped up yesterday calling Bloggerheads a ‘homosexual activist site.’ Some aside comment on a different message board had me thinking that an ideal act of civil disobedience would be to strive to turn you into a gay icon.

This is not the thinking of a sane and rational person.

So, I’d like to draw a line under the Blair Porn Project and call it quits right here. It’s not going anywhere constructive, so I don’t see the point in escalating activity on this front.

(Insert sincere apology to weblog regulars and Cherie fans here. Remember to send email to Mum to let her know that I may yet be redeemed.)

In fact, I’m of the increasing opinion that your husband doesn’t even know that I exist – which is why I’m writing to you today.

On Tuesday, your husband said he had read emails sent to him by members of the Iraqi public. Why would he do this if he knew that anybody subsequently searching for his email address in the top search directories (Google and Yahoo) would then bring up the Blair Porn Project?

I’m not out to be a pain in the arse; I just need a result. So does your husband.

I realise that he can’t spend time trawling through emails. I also acknowledge that even a well-staffed office will struggle under a large load of spam, rubbish and general system abuse – that’s why I outlined out a number of helpful preventative devices to combat such things:

http://www.bloggerheads.com/archives/2003/01/16-31-january-2003/

His office has refused to accept my offers of help, but I suspect this mostly has to do with them wanting to avoid yet another dodgy Australian. I’m pretty fine with that, so long as they don’t completely botch the job up or – even worse – farm it out at great expense to someone like Capita.

Mr Blair needs to be made aware that this issue has to be dealt with correctly as soon as possible – and that there are considerable benefits to enjoy if he does act quickly. A well-conceived system can provide a headcount of web users, what they’re concerned about and what position they take on any given issue. A daily printout of this could be taken in in seconds and – despite the small pool – is immediate enough to be useful.

Most importantly, can you think of a grander and more ‘right on’ measure to take at this time than the immediate introduction of publicly accessible email address?

However, it needs to be done now and it needs to be done properly to be useful to everyone. I would appreciate any help you could offer in getting word through to your husband.

Rest assured that any reply would be treated as privately as you wished it to. Indeed, you need not even reply. All I want is to hear from your husband’s communications office that everything is groovy and the service will be delivered on the XXth of Xxxxx.

My final word is an apology. I deeply regret that it has come to this and I am sorry for wanting – briefly – to turn you into a gay icon.

Good health to your and your family.

Kindest Regards,

Tim Ireland

www.bloggerheads.com

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Date
20030220
Tony Blair’s Email: The End Of The Blair Porn Project
Time
10:51
Ladies and gentlemen, we have received a positive reply from Cherie Blair. She is as gracious as she is fair.

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Date
20030220

Time
13:54
I’ve just called the Direct Communications Unit at Downing St, and yes, they’re still unable to provide me with a delivery date for Tony Blair’s publicly accessible email service. I am, however, hoping that this situation will change shortly.

Many of you have been asking about the exact contents of Cherie’s reply. I sadly must refer you to the following sentence from my original letter:

“Rest assured that any reply would be treated as privately as you wished it to.”

This is a significant breakthrough, and gentlemanly action is required to maintain this vital, yet fragile connection.

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Date
20030220
Announcement
Time
15:17
This is to let you know that most of the images from The Blair Porn Project will be removed from this site once we have been advised that Mr Blair has seen the campaign in full.

It is important that he know exactly what has been going on these past months and the measures that have been deemed necessary just to spur his Direct Communications Unit into action.

It is equally important that the lovely Cherie be rewarded for lending us her valuable time in aid of this campaign (particularly as some of it has been at her expense). She deserves to be treated in an equally humane and considerate fashion.

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Date
20030220

Time
18:33
I’ve been so busy, I almost forgot to blog this wonderful video rendition of Endless Love. It’s Quicktime format and just a smidgen over 4Mb, but well worth it. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry…

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Date
20030221

Time
09:28
Microsoft urged to innovate. Yeah, that’ll happen. FFS, they’ve only just now quietly released a blogging tool.

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Date
20030221

Time
09:33
Two lawsuits have been filed in the US ‘against movie theatres that claim in their ads they’ll show movies at a certain time, but, instead, show on-screen commercials at the advertised time, delaying the movie’s start.’

These people are talking about 3-4 minutes of their time.

I went to an Odeon cinema last night. The movie was billed to start at 8:55. It started at 9:30. That’s over half an hour of advertising and trailers, and pretty much par for the course.

Anyone up for a lawsuit in the UK?

I particularly want to stop the staff lying about how long the trailers are (they always say ‘about ten minutes,’ so I’m pretty sure they’re told to do so).

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Date
20030221

Time
09:40
Teenager who appeared in suicide prevention video commits suicide. He’s the fifth in his circle of friends to do so.

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Date
20030221

Time
09:44
Did you remember to tip the pizza delivery guy?

He needs that money, people. Motorcycle ‘L’ plates don’t come cheap!

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Date
20030221

Time
09:49
Hundreds of Utah Kids Hold Anti-Porn Rally. As over-the-top as this may seem, I’m going to shock you here and suggest that they may have a point. We’re bombarded with this stuff all the time. One day soon, TV ads for sex toys will appear in prime time and nobody will blink.

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Date
20030221
Christianity Watch
Time
09:55
Do reformed smokers get on your nerves? Then for God’s sake, don’t visit Stephen Bennett Ministries. Steve is a ‘reformed homosexual.’ One day he’s in a happy relationship with a man, the next – BAM! – some asshat with a bible turns up on his doorstep. Now Steve travels around the country with his unique combination of gay-bashing and bible-bashing. Sell-out crowds across the country! Hooray for Steve!

Steve, you may not be gay anymore, but you’re still a cocksucker.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030221

Time
10:04
Do you want to know who’s for war and who’s against it?

No? Then you’ll love this.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030221

Time
10:08
Dull, but important to some: the rise of mobile blogging.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030221
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
10:09
Remember: Be ready! Stay nervous!

They’re all out to get you, so we have to bomb the crap out of them first. Did you get the duct tape? Make sure you buy lots and lots of duct tape. You can use it to gag the children when they start asking stupid questions like: ‘Daddy, is there really a link between Iraq and Al Qaeda?’

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030221

Time
10:14
Looking at my stats, I can see that just about everybody who visited yesterday morning came back to check on progress later in the day. Again and again and again.

Relax, people. We’ve waited umpteen months, so a few hours (or even a few days) won’t kill us. The moment I know, you’ll know.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030221
Feedback Friday
Time
17:43
I would love everyone’s opinion on this new development. Suggestions and requests are welcome.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224

Time
09:14
Did you remember to buy your duct tape?

Were you aware that the primary manufacturer of duct tape in the US donated more than $100,000 to groups like the Republican National Committee? Heh. Nice.

OK, balanced reporting time, this time courtesy of Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post:

A rollicking exposé of Not In Our Name’s financial support network.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224

Time
09:23
A very funny sideways look at ready.gov (go easy there, she’s a hefty download).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224

Time
09:25
Is hate-crime hurting your business? If so, you need the conflict prevention and resolution services of naziline.com

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224

Time
09:29
Mouth-taping: student craze, child abuse or government conspiracy?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224

Time
09:31
More Google/Blogger paranoia.

Also, it was via a link from this comment thread at frownland.com that I discovered this woefully misinformed BBC article on the subject that uses the opportunity to – yet again – bring up the whole ‘bloggers aren’t journalists’ thing.

It was also via frownland.com that I found the related plasticbag.org thread where it was revealed that most of the BBC piece was lifted from the oft-blogged sour grapes site google-watch.org (I’m not linking to it, because they don’t deserve the traffic).

As you can see, what we write online is pretty much worthless until it has been copied and pasted by a trained journalist.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224

Time
09:41
Discover the true measure of your determination (and/or desperation).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224

Time
09:42
A few words in defence of Michael Jackson from those who consider him to be a sex-god.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224
Yet Another Lame Quiz
Time
09:44
What Number Are You? Apparently, I’m inifinity. (Damn, I was hoping for infinity plus one hundred…)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224

Time
09:46
The raised middle finger is an ancient gesture that is referenced as far back as ancient Greece. Interesting that ancient Greece also gave rise to the politician…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224

Time
09:50
There’s a point hidden in here somewhere…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224
Tony Blair’s Email: The End Of The Blair Porn Project?
Time
09:51
Cherie has yet to get back to about my kind offer to remove most of the images from The Blair Porn Project once I’m sure that Tony has read the whole, sordid story.

Yes, I am getting a little jumpy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224
Breaking The Whip
Time
11:33
You’ll be happy to know that MPs may actually get to vote this Wednesday on our involvement in hostilities in Iraq. For the record, this isn’t something that Tony Blair has to do. (If George W Bush wants to mobilise troops, he has to go to Congress. We don’t enjoy this little safety-valve here in the UK.)

Still, Tony Blair – to his credit – has decided that a vote of sorts will go forward. However, (and it’s a pretty big ‘however’) Labour MPs were advised of this with the following: “(On Wednesday) there is a 3 line whip on Labour MP’s to vote for a motion on Iraq.” This vote is to follow what will no doubt be a rousing statement by the PM on Tuesday.

A three line whip indicates to party MPs that they had better turn up and vote and – most importantly – vote in favour of their party. Or else. Basically, if you stay on message, you stay in the loop (and in the party). Break the whip, and you’ll be enjoying an extended holiday soaking up the rays in sunny Coventry.

Graham Allen, a longtime campaigner against the ‘royal prerogative’ that allows the UK government to mobilise troops without a vote in parliament, plans on voting against it if the motion is to commit British troops to war against Iraq.

He even wrote a private (well, semi-private) letter to the Chief Whip to point out – quite rightly, I feel – that:

“Parliament has been treated with contempt – another crowd control exercise rather than as a body which has at least as much legitimacy to speak for the people of our country as the Prime Minister has to govern it.”

Will Graham Allen be the only Labour MP to break ranks? I hope not.

Keep your ears out for the midday news items today and get in touch with your local MP. Now. Find out if they plan on listening to your voice or their master’s.

UPDATE – Alternatively, you may wish to take part in the Stop the War Coalition’s proposed lobby of Parliament on Wednesday. Details are on their site.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224
Photoshopping
Time
13:13
This is my latest artwork, and I’d consider to be a good fit for today’s content. I call it ‘Last Push For Peace.’

If you like it, there’s a large desktop version here (1024 x 768 pixels, 60Kb).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030224

Time
16:30
It has been pointed out by Matt B that Cherie has had a rather busy weekend. Fair enough.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030225
Tony Blair’s Email: Letters Special
Time
09:22
—– Original Message —–

From: “Kenneth”

To:

Sent: Wednesday, February 19, 2003 6:13 PM

Subject: No war on Irak.

–>

–> No war on Irak.

–> KS Sweden

Dear Kenneth,

We currently have no plans to wage war on Irak. We do, however, plan to bomb the shit out of Iraq, as they refuse to surrender their Q’s of mass destruction. The evil State of Qatar is next.

Regards,

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

—– Original Message —–

From: Xxxxx@juno.com

To: romano.prodi@cec.eu.int ; ecu@un.org ; president@gov.ru ; bundeskanzler@bundeskanzler.de ; inguiries@un.org ; premier.ministre@cab.pm.gov.fr ; info@belgium.be ; pm@pm.gc.ca ; christopher.patten@cec.eu.int ; jack.straw@fco.co.gov.uk ; tony-blair@prime-minister.co.uk; etc. etc. etc.

Sent: Wednesday, February 19, 2003 9:36 PM

Subject: UK’s Daily Mirror


Dear Xxxx,

Rest assured that The Daily Mirror’s stance against the war is purely a marketing exercise meant to distinguish this tabloid rag from The Sun and to improve circulation.

Your forwarding contents from the paper to every man and his dog may at first seem like a good way to improve this on their behalf, but you must remember that the recipients of your email – and this is the important bit – have not paid for the newspaper.

Should you wish to do this again, I would advise that you first write a cheque to cover the purchase price of the newspaper (for each and every recipient) and send it to:

Piers Morgan

Hypocrite and Plagiarist

Daily Mirror

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London E14 2BG

Regards,

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

—– Original Message —–

From: “LUCKY SAVIMBI”

To:

Sent: Friday, February 21, 2003 3:48 AM

Subject: RE:LUCKY SAVIMBI

–>

–> My dear,

–>

–> Good day. I am Lucky Savimbi jnr, the one of the sons of Mr.Jonas Savimbi.

–> My father was the former Leader of Unita Rebel Movement in Angola, and was

–> killed in a millitary raid by our country’s ruling government army,on 22nd

–> february,2002. After my fathers death,our country’s governmnet immediately

–> seized my father’s properties and blocked his accounts. This has made life

–> very difficult for my family presently, as we live now with nothing and no

–> source of livelihood.

–>

–> The family is urgently in need of a “very competent and investor participant”

–> that we could entrust with the Certificate of Deposit and (PIN) Personal

–> Identification Number Code to help us remove the fund from the security

–> company” since no names were used in securing the vault. The sum of

–> Twenty-three Million and Six Hundred Thousand United States Dollars

–> (US$23.6m) which my father had deposited i! n two trunk boxes with a Finance

–> and Security Company in South Africa.


Dear Lucky,

This certainly sounds like an intriguing investment opportunity, but I feel I must refer the matter to Eddie over at the Bank of England. He has much more experience in these matters than I.

Regards,

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

PS – The following news item may be of interest to you:

http://www.wired.com/news/culture/0,1284,57760,00.html

—– Original Message —–

From: DavidXxxxx@aol.com

To: tony-blair@prime-minister.co.uk

Sent: Friday, February 21, 2003 6:40 PM

Subject: Please Read

–>

–> Hello there.

–> I heard that today on the 21st Febuary 2003 that (we) are going to war

–> against iraq. I am 16 but 17 in may. does this mean that i will have to go

–> to war??? I totaly disagree in myself fighting against other people because

–> I have experienced with bullies & i have lost all my confidence.

–> Please can you reply

Dear David,

Rest assured that, while this war may well drag on long enough for you to be called up to fight the Iraqis, you have nothing to fear from them. I would, however, keep an eye out for American troops if I were you. ‘Friendly fire’ is a bitch.

Regards,

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

—– Original Message —–

From: thinkingofyou123@hotmail.com

To: tony-blair@prime-minister.co.uk

Sent: Monday, February 24, 2003 8:50 AM

Subject: LOOK~ You need Extreme Colon Cleanser z vvjvb

–>

–> Cleanse your body the all-natural way …

–>

–> REMOVE DEADLY TOXINS

–> REMOVE PARASITES

–> PREVENT TOXICITY

Dear Thinkingofyou123,

Thank you very much for this useful information. Ironically, Tony Blair is unlikely to receive it, as he has his head planted firmly in his arse.

Regards,

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

—– Original Message —–

From:

To:

Sent: Monday, February 24, 2003 7:27 PM

Subject: Fwd:

–> Good Evenning Sir,

–>

–> it is not to late, to say no !

–> Our time is enough inteligent to find solutions without War.

–> Try it, it is possible!

–>

–> Ask your youngest child, if you do not belive me! It is rearly true.

–>

–> Best regards

–> Jens

Dear Jens,

I did as you suggested, and asked my youngest child about this. The reply was as follows:

“Da-da-ga-sna-foooooooo!”

I think there’s a lesson in that for all of us.

Regards,

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030225
Tony Blair’s Email: Letters Special
Time
11:35
—– Original Message —–

From: Pete Xxxxx

To: escom@parliament.uk ; tony-blair@prime-minister.co.uk ; clu@fco.gov.uk ; kay.sweet@fco.gov.uk ; paul.mowat@fco.gov.uk

Sent: Tuesday, February 25, 2003 10:22 AM

Subject: MP’s on-line

–> All the Senators, and governors, of the USA are on-line, as are the

–> members of parliament in the Canadian assembly, the same holds

–> for the French, and the Germans, and even those elected to the

–> Knesset. If the Uk Mp’s were on-line, people who through other

–> committments that cannot attend MP’s surgeries, would still have a

–> contact point that has an element of instant availability, which if used

–> in conjunction, with automatic acknowledgemnts would go further to

–> make the machinery of Whitehall operate at a pace.

–> With the forum that has been in operation, for Number Ten, there is

–> evidence, that many of the electorate, would be keen to take-up such an

–> option. The lack of access, currently, does not hold the Uk up to a good

–> light on the international scale, where any internet user, can find that this

–> access, that is on offer in other countries is not in the Uk. On top of anything

–> else, the Uk should not slip behind the French, and the Germans , in such a

–> technical area.

–> Thanx

–> Peter

Dear Peter,

I agree with your views, but must inform you that the current IT situation is far, far worse than you have been led to believe.

This email that you have sent to the PM is actually being answered by a man wearing nothing but a pair of trackydacks and a smile. We have a long way to go before we’re even three steps behind most other nations.

Regards,

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030225

Time
12:54
Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

An 81-year-old Ohio man armed with two pistols was briefly detained in Israel and told police that he was on his way to Afghanistan in hopes of hunting down Osama bin Laden and claiming the $25 million bounty.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030225

Time
14:24
Well, Tony Blair has had his say. The immediate effect here was a spike in traffic as more and more web users sought out his non-existent email address.

Will there be a Labour Party rebellion?

That, boys and girls, is up to you.

Don’t watch it unfold in front of you. Get off your arse and act. Now.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030225

Time
22:58
Damn. Some unavoidable family stuff has just cropped up and must be dealt with tomorrow, so I won’t be able to make it to Westminster.

I know that my MP will do the responsible thing without me or others having to badger her into it, so there is that – but I can’t help feeling that I’m letting the side down.

I’ll try and be on deck as soon as I can tomorrow, but chances are it’s not going to be until late afternoon.

Cheers all.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030226

Time
17:04
There’s been a recent flurry of Data Protection registration scams. Here’s a page with the one link you really need and a list of scamming scumbags to watch out for.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030226

Time
17:09
The Iraqi debate in parliament, covered point by point.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030226
Useful In The Right Hands
Time
17:10
How to block spambots, ban spybots, and tell unwanted robots to go to hell.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030226

Time
17:13
Porn companies visiting universities on recruitment drives.

A pity they can’t also raid the occasional acting college.

I won’t provide a direct hyperlink to this next one, as it really is NSFW (Not Safe For Work):

Ron Jeremy is on a recruiting drive (to find ‘the next Ron Jeremy’) at www.pornstudsearch.com

No, you don’t have to be a fat, hairy bastard to apply.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030226

Time
17:24
Mail thief gets two months in prison. Oh, he also has to spend a total of 100 hours outside a post office with a sign reading: “I have stolen mail. This is my punishment.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030226

Time
17:28
Y’see, this is why I don’t enable comments on my site.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030226

Time
17:33
Explicit advertising has finally reached that inevitable watershed moment where porn stars are hired as models. Not as spokemodels, you’ll note. ‘Uh-uh-uh-ugnnnnnnh!’ doesn’t really sell cornflakes. Oh, wait, I’m forgetting about a very successful series of shampoo commercials. Maybe there is room for ‘snap, crackle and popshot.’

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030226

Time
17:43
America’s latest weapon in the drive for maximum density.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030226

Time
17:44
Steve wants me to link to his online referendum on Iraq. Be careful what you wish for, Steve…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030226

Time
17:48
Damn. I published a short article on Monday, but forgot to blog it. Yes, the link has been up there at the top of the page this whole time, but most of you won’t see it until I do this:

Established Media: the Necessity of Arrogance and Ignorance

I don’t really see why this is necessary, but it is.

In fact, while we’re here, I may as well give this a go:

Buy a shirt!

Buy a shirt!

Buy a shirt!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030226
Tony Blair’s Email: The Letters
Time
18:08
—– Original Message —–

From: Jill

To: tony-blair@prime-minister.co.uk

Sent: Wednesday, February 26, 2003 10:52 AM

Subject: View from Australia

–> Mr Blair, as a Brit who has lived here for 44 years, I am very unhappy

–> about your stance on the Iraq war and your support for the US.


(snip)

Dear Jill,

You haven’t lived here for 44 years, so what makes you think you can step in now and start bossing people around?

Do I email John Howard and advise him to finally cough up for the elevator shoes and plastic surgery he so desperately needs? No, I don’t. I’d love to be able to tell him that he looks like he just fell off the Mr Sheen can, but it simply isn’t my place to do so.

Yours Churlishly,

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030226

Time
20:07
The results are in.

The hawks did their best to soothe the doves by assuring them that this wasn’t the be-all, end-all of votes. The doves took a lesson from us lowly pigeons and shat on the hawks in great numbers, casting an impressive 199 votes on an amendment proposing that the government hadn’t made the case for war.

Defeated or not, this amendment made a powerful statement. This figure – as far as I can tell – suggests that about 30% of Labour MPs told their own leader that they weren’t in his corner.

Tony Blair can still win this and make a good case for regime change in Iraq (if, of course, this is still his main justification for war this time next week). He can even win over France, Russia and Germany if he wants. All he has to do is propose that regime change by force goes ahead, on the condition that it happens with the full backing of the UN and without the involvement of the Bush’s administration.

Of course, it’ll never happen… but it’s nice to have a dream.

Hey, somebody told me that Tony turns 50 soon. Perhaps we should all let him know that it’s nothing personal and throw him a birthday party outside the gates of Downing St. We can have cake and ice cream and party hats and balloons…

What do you think?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030226

Time
20:22
Don’t look at Ross Brown’s blog. It’s rubbish.

Don’t read Paul’s ‘Letters To America’, either. It’s far too wordy and not at all clever.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030227

Time
10:20
Heh. Someone found this site yesterday by searching for ‘directory of prostitute girl and there mobile number and address from u.k.’

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030227

Time
10:21
“According to a recent Gallup poll, 45 percent of Americans think the media is biased toward liberals.”

!!!!!

Hooray for The Wage Slave Journal and their George W. Bush Scorecard of Evil.

(Found via Expat Egghead.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030227
Tony Blair’s Email: The Letters
Time
10:26
—– Original Message —–

From: Don Law

To: tony-blair@prime-minister.co.uk

Sent: Thursday, February 27, 2003 2:08 AM

Subject: Tony Blair I think your great

–> This is support for Tony Blair and Margaret Thatcher. As an American and a

–> LAW and my wife a YORK before I married her I wish to express my views.

–> Since I have traveled the Middle East many times and this Iraq problem with

–> everybody has been express in Fear of War. The only way you can put out a

–> dictator is WAR. The other dictator was Hitler and what he did and if we

–> didn’t stop him through WAR we all would be under Hitler.

–> I want to say the only time in my life that I had to take off my hat in

–> miss belief was when M. Thatcher took on the Falkland Island. I am 68 years

–> old and have fought 2 wars and England has in the past always sat back to

–> not make waves. When Thather did what she did I jumped up as a long time

–> Englishman and got out the English Flag. It was almost unbelievable that

–> someone would get out of their chair and fight for England. Well the next

–> time I got out the English Flag was when I heard Tony Blair speech. These

–> two people have guts and I would stand back of them in any fight. Here in

–> the USA we have a lot of worms also which don’t want to fight. All I can

–> say where is the English Knights as in the old days. Have all the balance

–> of England gone soft. By the way I have some Scotch in me and they were the

–> McClarions or Highlanders. The shield shows a fighting Cock with swords.

–> Now that I have said my piece I hope the world will come to its senses and

–> fight and remove this poison in Iraq. I know that war has its bloody side

–> but it also has its good side and people become FREE. Dr. Donald Lewis Law

–> PS the Lewis is another part of my family tree John L. Lewis was also my

–> uncle a Welshman and carried two 45s.

Dear Don,

I am pleased that you have some Scotch in you.

Regards,

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030227

Time
10:32
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Dubya and Saddam actually had a live televised debate?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030227

Time
10:55
Mr Rogers is dead.



UPDATE – Read the many, many, many tributes rolling in over at Fark.com

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030227

Time
11:02
Student testifies against police officer. He claims that the cop ‘gave him wedgies, grabbed his penis and forced him to do a naked headstand in his office.’

The kid finally contacted authorities when the officer made him pull down his pants for a spanking.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030227

Time
11:21
Brains. Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030227

Time
11:43
Australian MP ejected for breastfeeding. Well, not really for breastfeeding. She was busted for bringing a non-elected person into the debating chamber.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030227

Time
13:19
The Porn Report has just edged into Google’s top ten results for ‘make money selling porn.’ Traffic is brisk.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030227

Time
14:02
It’s a cocks-in-court twofer! This man was cleared of sex charges because his penis was much smaller than described by the victim, and this man is claiming that his is way too short to have reached the victim.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030228

Time
08:52
The Washington Post defends its pro-war stance. It’s all a bit of yawn. Try instead watching Americans having their say in real time. Probably best if you set aside some time for the latter link – it’s kind of hypnotic.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030228

Time
08:56
Watch Bush say one thing and do another, again and again and again. Right now he’s rabbiting on about his love for peace. You do the sums.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030228

Time
08:58
False job postings at monster.com are designed to harvest personal information. If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030228

Time
09:01
Playboy to publish ‘Women of Starbucks’ issue.

“Starbucks is not affiliated with this project and does not endorse it,” the company said in a terse statement.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030228

Time
09:03
Man spots his stolen skis for sale on ebay. He called police, who set up a sting operation.

Also for sale on ebay today: Brad Pitt’s fart in a jar.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030228

Time
09:06
See a satellite photo of London by night. I’ve made a minor change to my copy, just to let you know where I am in case the bombs start dropping.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030228

Time
09:10
Saddam isn’t just a bastard; he’s a rich bastard.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030228
South West Trains
Time
09:14
I wrote this article after a run-in with South West Trains. (A quiet warning to other companies that might wish to fob me off or rip me off – I can be your best customer, or your worst one.)

A reader of the article has sent the following in. I thought you chaps might like to read it:

“I’ve just read your article regarding South West Trains. You’ll be pleased to note that they’re still at it. I was imprisoned on one of their wonderful trains for an hour and ten minutes just outside Feltham, which isn’t the greatest place in the world to be stuck. For this pleasure, plus the further waste of my time getting to a station where I could get off and return home since by this time my journey was effectively wasted, they awarded me a generous 25% of my ticket cost. This amounted to the princely sum of £2.50, or £5.00 if you count the refund for my girlfriend’s ticket. Their excuse for not giving me a full refund was that it would be a free journey, and that would cancel my contract with them. Not only is this legally rubbish, surely a journey is only ‘free’ if it’s something you desire? I’m sure none of the people press ganged onto ships in previous centuries ever considered their journeys to be free. Interestingly, if they’d managed to tell me that there would be a delay, bearing in mind that the delay only started five minutes from my departure point, and I’d elected not to travel, I would have been entitled to a full refund.

“Thank you for the opportunity to rant. Suffice it to say that I shall not be leaving it there…”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030228

Time
09:19
Ready.gov breathes new life into ‘All Your Base.’

(Link via ultimateinsult.net)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030228
Navigation Bar
Time
09:30
Exploding Cigar has been added to the navbar under ‘follow me’ (which – in case you haven’t worked it out yet – is a list of sites that I visit on a daily basis).

Their lead link today is a cracker:

The experience of a single anti-war protestor in a pro-Bush crowd. Scary stuff.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030228
Tony Blair’s Email: The Letters
Time
09:57
—– Original Message —–

From: “Harish”

To: tony-blair@prime-minister.co.uk

Sent: Thursday, February 27, 2003 8:12 PM

Subject: Sir

–>

–> I was browsing my song files and a lyric in your favour jumped out at me.

–> It’s by Elton John:

–>

–> “A man like me is dead in places

–> Other men feel lib-er-ated”

–>

–> Cheers Tony.

–>

–> Harish

–> USA

Dear Harish,

I prefer:

“Saddam is travelling tonight on a plane

I plan to bring him down with support from the States and from Spain

Oh and I see a passenger waving goodbye

God I hope that it’s Saddam, our intel came from the FBI…”

Regards,

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030228
Feedback Friday
Time
17:26

Is Bloggerheads getting too political?

1. Yes!

2. Yes, but circumstances call for it.

3. No, the mix is just right.

4. No, in fact you should be doing more!

Emails to the usual address. See you Monday.

02-15 February, 2003

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030202

Time
00:02
Holy shit. I just heard. This is not good. This is not good at all.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030203

Time
08:46
It’s another one of those busy, busy days today.

Still, I do have a very bad phrase book for you, and a preacher who delivers the word of God while dressed as John Wayne (that last link via ultimateinsult.net).

Also, news of a high school physics teacher who has been put on paid leave after bringing a BB gun to school for a class experiment, which is pretty boring, really. Well, it is. The BB gun is used for a series of highly educational velocity experiments that I’ve seen myself.

It was 1986. My physics teacher (Mr Boddy) was convinced he could rap dance. He also went to see Dire Straits in concert and from then on would insist constantly that you couldn’t get ‘your marks for nothing and your chicks for free.’ He showed us this experiment. He even allowed us to handle the awesome air-powered weapon and repeat the experiment for ourselves. Everything went very smoothly, and nobody got hurt.

Unfortunately, the next day Mr Boddy showed it to a different set of students and somehow ended up getting shot in the arse.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030203
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
15:00
Hooray for Tom Watson, who will today be tabling the following for debate:

“That this House believes that all members of the Government, Shadow cabinet and Liberal Democrat front bench should be accessible to the public by e-mail.”

Also, if you’re a student or in any way concerned about top-up fees, then pop along to Tom’s site to sign his petition. 10,000 signatures gets a question tabled in parliament.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030204

Time
09:02
Pop star Michael Jackson has admitted he still shares his bedroom with youngsters despite allegations of child sex abuse made against him a decade ago.

I watched the special this news story relates to. Michael has been off with the pixies for a while, but now he seems so far gone that the size of the clue-by-four he requires to set him right could very well kill him.

He did say one sensible thing about tabloids, though, saying: “Don’t buy it; it’s garbage!”

The ad break that followed contained this important message from The Sun:

NEWS, CELEBS, GOSSIP… WE LOVE IT!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030204

Time
09:04
10% of your DVD collection is rotting away quietly on the shelf.

(Assuming, of course, that you’re such a dedicated consumer that you’ve actually made the switch to DVD and and have begun the long and expensive process of buying your favourite movies all over again, even though you already have them on VHS.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030204

Time
09:10
Magic Tails: a series of ‘original creation myths for kids and adults,’ as told by a very ugly/scary cartoon cat. With flaming wings.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030204

Time
09:13
Brisbane Lord Mayor Jim Soorley has urged Australians to return their ‘terrorism kits’ to the Government.

In case you’re wondering, the kits contain a booklet, a letter from Prime Minister John Howard and a terrorism hotline fridge magnet. All useful items, I’m sure. That letter from Johnny Howard could administer a nasty paper cut if used properly, and I’m sure – after years of watching James Bond, The A-Team and MacGyver – that all of us know how to disarm a dirty bomb with a fridge magnet.

Soorley, who is obviously the worst kind of lunatic, had the gall to claim that the kits were ‘a total waste of taxpayers’ money and nothing more than scaremongering by the Federal Government.’

Attorney-General Daryl Williams told people to ignore Mr Soorley’s comments and said that Australia would remain ‘on high alert’.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030204

Time
09:26
Teenager ODs live on webcam as chat room ‘friends’ egg him on. Look for a two-page spread on this in The Daily Mail today or tomorrow.

Remember folks, the Interwebnet is eeevil. Stay away!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030204

Time
09:30
Fake CNN site shut down. Surprise, surprise. I was going to share this with you last week, but after I posted a ‘story’ at B3ta I found out it was pop-up hell for the unprotected.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030204

Time
09:34
Record producer Phil Spector arrested for murder. He was freed a few hours later on bail of $1m. Damn it, I told them they should have used walls of sound!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030204
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
09:40
Tomorrow the winner of our little ebay auction will finally get to delete over 8Mb of Tony Blair’s email. I promised a surprise on this front, and here it comes:

We’re going to do it inside the Houses of Parliament.

Watch for photos (hopefully) and a report (definitely) on Thursday.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030205

Time
06:16
Vatican says Yoga is OK, but Feng Shui is a one-way ticket to hell.

I can picture it now:

“I’m sensing a lot of negative energy. You know, this place could really do with a water feature…etc.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030205

Time
06:18
Rentmychest.com does exactly what it says on the tin. No boobies, sorry – just man-nipples (and a few commercial messages).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030205

Time
06:21
President Bush can’t remember if he’s been to Johnson Space Center. He knows he definitely hasn’t seen a NASA launch or landing, because one of his aides told him so.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030205

Time
06:24
I really must spend more time exploring The Earl Vickers Museum of Conceptual Art. Quite inspiring.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030205

Time
06:26
Lobster lovers cut brake lines on commercial fleet owned by the Supreme Lobster and Seafood Co.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030205

Time
06:28
We all knew it was coming; the backward slide starts for AOL. I blame the return of smart drinks.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030205

Time
06:32
This guy wants to build a giant animatronic snake that can swallow a person whole. He’s clearly insane. The real money’s in giant robotic killer ants.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030205

Time
06:37
Well, time to shower and go. It’s an insane hour of the morning, but this is what it takes to make sure I get to London on time.

I was a DJ for about 10 years. 10 years. Before that, I worked late shifts in a 24-hour restaurant. It’s very difficult to convince my body that this is wakey-uppey time and not bedtime, but try I must. There’s email to be deleted, and meetings to be held.

Wish me luck.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030205
Tony Blair’s Email – Deletion Of The Hostages
Time
10:48
Well, that’s it. It’s gone. All of 9Mb of it, deleted.

I’ll post a full report and some pictures tomorrow, but right now I’d just like to say that it feels like an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It seems like I’ve been carrying these emails forever, and to see them relegated to the ether with a few simple clicks was really quite wonderful.

The rest of the day belongs to business, and I don’t mind telling you that I feel very good about it all.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030206
Viral Marketing
Time
08:59
Interesting that B3ta can be spammed by its own mods and nobody complains.

This same commercial link (Disco Squirrels for Lastminute.com) features in the Popbitch newsletter. Both sites are, of course, completely against the placement of commercial links. Unless it’s a job that involves their mates.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030206

Time
09:06
North Korea threatens US with first strike. Actually, it would be fair for them to claim retaliation.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030206

Time
09:08
36 hour erection drug goes on sale in Australia. Please form an orderly line to the left.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030206

Time
09:11
Japanese scientist invents ‘invisibility cloak’

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030206

Time
09:12
Feds To Arrest Shuttle Debris Looter. ‘Souveniring’ has been a bit of problem, it seems. Everybody wants a piece of the truck that fell out of the sky.

Oh, here are some screengrabs from that early auction of ‘genuine debris’ at ebay and here’s a report on the mysterious purple lightning.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030206

Time
09:20
Nothing says ‘and finally…’ quite like a puppy in a wheelchair.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030206

Time
09:22
Boombox. On my shoulder. Funk atomic bombs swoop down from America.

(Boy, that takes me back. Can anyone name the artist?)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030206

Time
09:25
Telemarketer cold-calls long lost son. The article does not say if he made the sale.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030206

Time
09:26
Everybody will want a USS George Bush hat.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030206
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
09:28
Well, it’s been a long uphill struggle and the finish line looks to be some way away, but yesterday was a highlight in our campaign to get Tony Blair to deliver on his years-old promise of a publicly accessible email address.

Marcus Stafford was the winner of our ebay auction, and secured the right to delete over 8Mb of email addressed to and intended for Prime Minister Tony Blair for the bargain price of £62.

Due to a mixture of confusion and generosity, the cheque made out to Oxfam (to aid their Ethiopia Appeal) was actually bumped up to £65, so hooray for Marcus.

Our day began with a rendezvous outside – and a tour inside – the Houses of Parliament. There I discovered that the Speaker’s Chair in the House of Commons doubles as a commode and the funky gilt-edged boxes on the centre table are a gift from New Zealand. All very interesting.

After refreshing ourselves with a tea and coffee (courtesy of our most excellent host, Tom Watson), we posed for the necessary cheque/certificate exchange photo-op. I was very quick to get the certificate back after this photo was taken, by the way. There’s a right and a wrong way to do things, and deletion had to precede actual presentation.

Off we went to Tom’s office.

We logged into my another.com account and prepared ourselves for the decisive stroke, but I have to admit that some time was spent casually browsing through the doomed emails (my favourite was from an outraged Canadian who spelled ‘Iraq’ with a ‘k’).

After the foreplay, we dropped into ‘my folders’ and prepared to delete the entire TONY folder. Ongoing deletions late last year had reduced the bulk somewhat and the number of emails coming in to this address has decreased greatly since we went public, but there were still 629 emails lurking in there.

My another.com account allows for 10Mb of storage. Tony Blair’s email amounted to a whopping 9.1Mb in total. Needless to say, I was quite looking forward to this, if only to enjoy the much-needed elbow-room.

Marcus ticked the folder, and clicked the ‘DELETE’ button. We were only one confirmation page away from nirvana.

Did we really want to delete the folder ‘TONY’ and all of its contents?

Yes, we did.

Did I enjoy an enormous sense of satisfaction (and relief) when Marcus clicked the ‘OK’ button, dumping the lot into a deep, dark hole from where it shall never return?

Yes, I did.

Have 10 Downing St come back to me yet regarding the delivery date for the real email service?

No, they haven’t.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick to death of being ignored. Perhaps we should find someone named Tony Blair (who isn’t the PM) to answer the trickle of emails that still come in. There’s finally some room to move on the account, so it can take a little correspondence.

“Fox-hunting? Yes, I’m all for it. I especially enjoy the crunching sound their skulls make when you grind them under your heel! Love, Tony.”

“I know you’re concerned about Iraq, but you have to appreciate the difficult position I’m in. Yes, I want to hear what the public thinks, but in the end America and the UK have to stand together to defend the rights of our corporate sponsors. Hugs and kisses, Tony.”

I can’t see them ignoring that kind of stunt for long. What do you think, should we go for it, or just muddle along with more pornography?

UPDATE – Oh, and can I ask the BBC why the hell I wasn’t invited to be in the Newsnight audience?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030206

Time
15:59
Oops, almost forgot about this: Tessa Jowell has caved, and the march in Hyde Park is now officially allowed to go ahead. Isn’t that nice?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030206

Time
22:32
Teenage grils need beef.

(via the soon-to-be-included-in-the-navigation-bar site Catch.com)

UPDATE – Heh. I just noticed the typo, but I think I’ll leave it as it is.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030207

Time
08:55
Ever wondered where your meat comes from?

(Requires Quicktime and a strong stomach.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030207

Time
08:57
Valentines Day is on the way, and nothing says ‘I love you’ and/or ‘I’d really like to get into your pants’ quite like a big ass diamond.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030207

Time
08:59
Trailer park residents lynch man and beat him about the face with a hammer to ‘teach him a lesson’ after he threatens to commit suicide. Oh dear, it gets better:

‘According to Mr. Goddard’s family, many of his troubles began last year, when he and his stepfather, David Winkleman, had a local radio station’s logo tattooed across their foreheads.’

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030207

Time
09:05
The UK’s latest intelligence dossier (you know the one; Colin Powell waved it about a bit at the UN the other day) has been mostly lifted word for word – typos and all – from published academic articles. One of them was 12 years out of date and another was written by a postgraduate student.

Channel 4 broke the story.

The BBC has Downing Street’s reaction.

The Guardian has a few quotes from one of the original authors.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030207

Time
09:13
Did you watch Newsnight last night? No? Live in a different country? Sorry, that’s no excuse. Watch the highlights and then take the time to remind yourself why we ‘must’ take action.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030207

Time
09:18
Supersized ambulance designed for the obese. It has a ramp, a winch and – presumably – reinforced suspension. The designer of the system says it will make transport comfortable for heavy patients and ‘will help preserve their dignity.’

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030207
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:23
Dubya isn’t the only one running out of patience.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030207

Time
09:24
Injured worker used lighter to inspect tank of flammable liquid. Why isn’t this man on the UN weapons inspection team?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030207

Time
15:13
Search for ‘photoshopping’ on Google and see where it gets you.

Hint: It’s not B3ta, Fark or SomethingAwful.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030207
Feedback Friday
Time
15:15
It’s that time again. Do get back to me over the weekend, I need to know:

1 – Do you know anyone named Tony Blair who isn’t the PM?

2 – What did you think of Cherie Baby? Can I actually string a lyric together, or am I just fooling myself?

3 – Who’s going on the march on February 15th? I’d like to make up a few extra placards or – even better – hear from someone with access to a very large printer. Colour, B&W, I don’t care. I’d just love to be able to print something larger than A3.

4 – I’m looking for a gallery space in London to do a ‘real life’ display of The Star Wars Photoshopping Project. Dedicated space, office foyer, you name it. Little help?

Emails to the usual address.

Oh, you’re probably wondering about the lack of Cherie Porn this week. Sorry, I’ve been busy – and I’m waiting on a reply to an email/fax I sent last week. I think I’ll give them until Monday or Tuesday’s mail before I bring the boobies out.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030210
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:16
Clay Shirky writes on the ‘power imbalance’ in the weblog community.

More interesting are the reactions to it, two of which also rating very highly:

This one is short and to the point, claiming that Shirky ‘just doesn’t get it.’ Erm, and that he doesn’t actually have a weblog.

This is a more comprehensive play by play, that also includes some pretty enlightened user comments.

Me, I’d argue that the star system may on the surface of things work against a level playing field (when was the last time a group of random humans were drawn together to discover they had a level playing field?) but in the end every blogger becomes vulnerable to commercial and/or emotional forces when they reach these dizzy heights of fame.

Stupid compromises, standard bullshit and/or open hypocrisy are usually enough to alienate your audience: and guess where these people will go to search – yet again – for that authentic grass roots voice?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030210

Time
09:28
Italian court rules that sharing joints of field trips is OK – but selling is not.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030210

Time
09:30
Watch penguins having sex (animated GIF).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030210

Time
09:32
Patriot to appear in court for disturbing the peace.

His 12-by-18-foot flag is hoisted atop a 50-foot pole and goes ‘flap-flap-flap-flap-flap-flap-flap-flap-flap-flap-flap-flap-flap’ all day – and all night – long.

A neighbour describes the noise as ‘popcorn-like,’ but to me it seems more like the sound of one hand flapping.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030210

Time
09:41
The show ain’t over until the fat lady falls on you – and even then, there’s still a visit to the hospital and $5.5-million personal injury suit to deal with.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030210

Time
09:44
College student faces 20 years for installing and using spyware on campus system. Big deal; one college student. When is somebody going to serve those scumbags at Gator an economy-size can of whoopass?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030210
Photoshopping
Time
11:09
You may have noticed that I’ve managed – for quite a while now – to resist the call of a certain image.

Sadly, I think this excellent submission from CrazyBee has set me off again.

Isn’t it wonderful?

A full-sized version appears on page 10 of the Star Wars Photoshopping Project.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030210
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
12:18

“Look, it depends whether you want to deal with this at the level of humour and satire or whether you want to try and make sense of what are difficult issues.”

Tony Blair (from this Newsnight transcript)

OK, let’s have it out then, shall we?

The situation with Tony Blair’s email (or – rather – lack of it) is intolerable. It’s an embarrassment to every ‘e-nitiative’ his government cares to trot out. There is also a pronounced sense of urgency given the political situation at this time.

‘Sometime in the new year,’ or even ‘in the first few months in the new year’ (I just got this last one from his Direct Communications Unit) simply isn’t good enough. This simple function should have been released two years ago. Though it’s close to impossible for me to get a straight answer, I’m left with the overwhelming impression that this is still being talked about and not acted upon.

Can I get in touch with the team (allegedly) trying to make this happen? No, I can’t.

Should I be in touch with this team? Well, let’s put it this way: there’s only one person in the country who has actual experience on this front and that’s me.

The Direct Communications Unit has been advised of our latest position and has been asked to provide us with answers or a valid point of contact by the end of play today.

Should they fail to do so, I’m afraid we shall be forced to go 100% nude on Cherie – and then allow our version of Tony Blair to answer a few emails on his behalf. (These replies will be published on the weblog, BTW).

I know this is a return to humour and satire, but what the fuck do they expect when we they won’t give a straight bloody answer?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030210

Time
16:09
Paul Carr on the arrogance of print. They’re an established medium, y’see. We’re new. We don’t count for much. It’s all a lot of hype. Oh, and the Interwebnet is dangerous, so please stay away from it because the only way you should get your information is via a newspaper or a magazine. Oh, and the Interwebnet is full of porn, too (not that any 8 year old can walk past a newsagents and see tits without having to scan above the newspaper shelf). Oh, and newspapers and magazines have these knowledgeable, infallible types known as journalists… who never compromise their integrity, even though they’re under enormous commercial pressure.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211

Time
09:34
Well, would you look at that… Someone’s trying to block the NYC march as well. Worth reading in full; you’ll love where this article goes.

BTW, here are the details again for the march in the UK this Saturday.

UPDATE – Oh, and if you take your camera along, remember that the BBC wants your pictures.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211
Photoshopping
Time
09:38
Fark Photoshop thread (big download):

Photoshop Michael Jackson. Alter what medical science no longer can fix.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211

Time
09:40
More reactions to Clay Shirky’s ‘Powerlaws’ article. I’m bored already.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211

Time
09:44
A Scottish accent may just get you laid. Jimmy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211
Christianity Watch
Time
09:45
Megazeenonline.com: the home of ‘cheese-free Christian comics.’

Ooh, look – they accept submissions.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
09:48
No response from Blair’s Direct Communications Unit yesterday, so as far as I’m concerned it’s open season on Cherie. Look out for a bigger picture (with slightly less realism/nudity) later today.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:53
The Dell Dude has been arrested for pot possession. Thankfully, we only had to put up with one of his evil ads here in the UK before Dell finally gave him the flick – so my hate index is probably far, far lower than yours.

Anyways, CNN has the story and The Smoking Gun has the paperwork.

Incidentally, the original declaration made by young boy who sued Michael Jackson back in 1993 has been reported to be ‘floating around the Internet’ by most newspapers, but I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that this also is at The Smoking Gun.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211

Time
10:03
Virgin Mary returns to fence post, despite attacks by vandals and council ‘repairs.’ Truly a miracle.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211

Time
10:06
Scientists are claiming that the ‘big crunch’ will never come. Aww, isn’t that sweet? They don’t want us to worry…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211

Time
10:10
Nude weddings? (*yawn*) Big deal.

Sorry? What was that? 47 nude weddings? Well, now that’s different. Talk about not knowing where to look…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211

Time
12:51
Just before I forget (I’ll put it up in other obvious places soon)…

Here’s a large B&W version of the Bush/Blair pic for use on placards this weekend. I’ve left the slogan blank, so you can say what you like.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
14:35
This one is entitled White Trash Gun Moll, and before you complain you should know that it disturbs me greatly too.

Sadly, the mission must continue.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211
Tony Blair’s Email: The Letters
Time
16:05
—–Original Message—–

From : xxxxx@xxxx.com

To : president@whitehouse.gov; vice.president@whitehouse.gov; secretary@state.gov; public@defenselink.mil; speaker@mail.house.gov; sf.nancy@mail.house.gov; senator_frist@frist.senate.gov; tom_daschle@daschle.senate.gov; inquiries@un.org; tony-blair@prime-minister.co.uk; jack.straw@fco.co.gov.uk

Date : 10 February 2003 13:33:02

Subject : Support war against terror

–> My family supports the war against terror.

–> Evil should not be allowed to grow on this planet.

–> We also support the glorious State of Israel, and are grateful to the US

–> Government for their support as well.

–> We also feel that the French and Germans are obstructionist in their

–> apologistic attitute towards twisted regimes in the Mid East.

–> God Bless America

–> John

Dear John,

We support the war against ignorance.

Ignorance should not be allowed to grow on this planet.

God bless you and your family.

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

PS – As for twisted regimes, I once knew an aerobics instructor who would put her legs behind her head and walk around the room on her buttocks every morning. She had to get rid of her dog, because it kept following her around the room. The cat left of its own accord after an unfortunate incident involving static electricity.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030211
Viral Marketing
Time
16:25
We’ve achieved word of mouth! Hidden amongst the usual search results today and yesterday are several folks who found us by searching for ‘blair porn project.’

Unless, of course, they’re actually looking for a movie featuring naked teenagers lost in the woods.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030212

Time
08:45
Join the cross-blog Iraq debate. If you feel like it. No pressure.

BTW, the UK government did its best to get everyone on edge yesterday by ordering a bunch of tanks and police out on the streets (on the lookout for evil Muslims, y’see). Add this to continued insistence (without a shred of evidence) that there are links between Iraq and Al Qaeda, and we can all see how important it is to stand up to Saddam Hussein. Because we’re under threat. Obviously.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030212

Time
08:56
The Racial Compact is ‘a call for Racial Preservation, Racial Independence, Racial Rights and Racial Good Will.’

Do persevere. It hits several high points, most notably this proposal for ‘racial partition’ of the US ‘for the purpose of racial preservation and independence.’ It even has a coloured map to help you understand the complexities of the scheme.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030212

Time
09:01
74-year-old man ejected from high school basketball match after taking pictures of the cheerleaders.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030212

Time
09:08
Man requests Jesus Christ as his lawyer. You’d think that this would hold up proceedings somewhat, but the Judge has insisted that they can’t hang around waiting for JC to turn up because, even if if He did, He’s not a lawful attorney.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030212

Time
09:11
The Flash Mind Reader doesn’t work. It may well have got the right number, but it didn’t in any way detect that I was really thinking about sex at the time.

Yes, I am a victim of pornography. Please lend a hand. My other is busy.

(that last link via ultimateinsult.net)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030212

Time
09:16
Well, they managed to shut George Michael up pretty sharpish. I wonder how they’ll handle Madonna’s anti-war song

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030212

Time
09:22
Catch.com has their hand out, but they should be warned that you can’t rely on community support and run a commercial interest at the same time. Seriously, when was the last time I ever asked you guys for money?

Can you think of a popular weblog or ‘non-commercial’ portal that hasn’t asked you for money over the last 12 months?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030212
Tony Blair’s Email: The Letters
Time
09:34
—–Original Message—–

From : L.muteba

To : tony-blair@prime-minister.co.uk

Date : 12 February 2003 16:52:44

Subject : ask assistance

–> Very honourable, allow me by the present one to come near

–> your eminent personage to request an assistance for my voyage

–> to the canada.alors please send an invitation to me and an assumption

–> of responsibility legalized, whose copies will be transmitted to your

–> embassy of kinshasa and with that of the coast of ivoire.I would be

–> ready to work for you, to refund all these dýpenses.dans to ýspoir it

–> to have one following my rýquýte I request from you, Mister the

–> Prime Minister, to approve the expression of my feelings respectueux

–> cordiales greetings and which GOD benisse you!

Dear Mr. Muteba, this is not the E-Mail address main thing of Minister?s. They have the wrong address. The address is also wrong, as it can be. Any E-Mail, which you send to this address, will be reaching of within me and not Mr. le prime ministers. I however undertake the effort to send this at its attention though being is difficult answers to calls not being made of effort near past days on year.

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030212
Tony Blair’s Email: The Letters
Time
17:02
[NOTE – This is a long one, folks – but do work through it. It develops into a wonderful exchange that I feel proud to have contributed to – Manic]

—–Original Message—–

From: Mr Smithers

Sent: 11 February 2003 16:53

To: Gerry Sutcliffe MP

Subject: NHS… wanted GP

Dear Mr Sutcliffe

I have recently moved to Bradford and found it impossible to register with a GP. My current GP is in Cheltenham a little inconvenient to say the least.

I don’t have the time to deal with this trivial matter; I’m sure you do Mr Sutcliffe. Please don’t delegate this.

My postcode is xxx-xxx

Looking forward to your reply.

Kind Regards

Mr Smithers

xxxxx-xxxxxx

—–Original Message—–

From: Gerry Sutcliffe MP

Sent: 12 February 03 11:04

To: Mr Smithers

Subject: RE: NHS… wanted GP

Dear Mr Smithers

I am sorry that you have had difficulty registering with your GP and I am sorry that you do not have the time to deal with such ‘trivial’ matters. However, as I am sure you can appreciate, I have 70,000 people to represent and, as such, I do not have the time to deal with your request (nor is it within the remit of what an MP is reasonably expected to do to assist a constituent).

The can help you with such matters and they can be contacted on xxxx-xxxxx or at

www.bradfordswpct.co.uk

Regards

Gerry Sutcliffe

—–Original Message—–

From: Mr Smithers

Sent: 12 February 03 11:37

To: Gerry Sutcliffe MP

Cc: Yorkshire Post

Subject: RE: NHS… wanted GP

Dear Mr Sutcliffe

Thank you for your email.

I am sorry to hear you do not have time to deal with my request for help; I find your response arrogant and rude.

The local Primary care Trust cannot help. Do you think I would be wasting my time contacting you if I had not explored all other avenues?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Mr Smithers

—–Original Message—–

From: Gerry Sutcliffe’s Research Assistant

Sent: 12 February 03 14:25

To: Mr Smithers

Subject: RE: NHS… wanted GP

Dear Mr Smithers

Further to your email communication with Gerry Sutcliffe, I am responding on his behalf as he is currently tied up on parliamentary business in Westminster.

I am sorry that you found his response arrogant and rude. However, having read your original email, particularly the line: “I don’t have the time to deal with this trivial matter; I’m sure you do Mr Sutcliffe. Please don’t delegate this.” (I would think that) this could be construed as being somewhat arrogant and rude in itself.

To suggest that he has the time to deal with “trivial” matters which you yourself don’t, and then to instruct him not to delegate the matter, is rather insulting and presumptuous.

I am more than happy to investigate your complaint on Mr Sutcliffe’s behalf.

If you would like me to investigate then I need some brief details about what difficulties you have had and with which GP surgeries.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Gerry Sutcliffe’s Research Assistant

—–Original Message—–

From: Mr Smithers

Sent: 12 February 03 11:37

To: Gerry Sutcliffe’s Research Assistant

Cc: Gerry Sutcliffe MP; tony-blair@prime-minister.co.uk

Subject: RE: NHS… wanted GP

Mr Swales

I think you have misunderstood my email.

I have a right to be angry and arrogant registering with a GP in my area should be simple not impossible.

The surgeries in my area are full Mr Swales, if you and Mr Sutcliffe don’t know this something is very wrong and needs to be investigated.

I thank you for your offer of help Mr Swales; I look forward to receiving the name and address of my new GP very soon.

Mr Smithers

From: tony-blair@prime-minister.co.uk

Sent: 12 February 03 16:53

To: Mr Smithers

Cc: Gerry Sutcliffe MP; Gerry Sutcliffe’s Research Assistant

Subject: RE: NHS… wanted GP

Dear Mr Smithers,

This situation disturbs me greatly, and I would be more than prepared to drop everything and come to your aid were I actually the Prime Minister.

Sadly, I am not the PM (yet). I would, however, like to say that your first email did indeed read as if you were expecting your MP to jump through hoops to sort out your individual problem, rather than address the wider issue of (allegedly) overloaded surgeries. This would not only be arrogant and rude, but also just a little bit selfish, wouldn’t you agree?

I apologise if this seems curt, but I’ve only just recently begun to answer emails for Tony Blair, and my diplomatic skills leave a lot to be desired.

Kind Regards,

Tim Ireland

(on behalf of Tony Blair)

http://www.bloggerheads.com/can_weblogs/tony_blair.asp

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030212
Photoshopping
Time
17:22
I was neck-deep in e-shop code today and I’m going to be even busier tomorrow – but I do have this crappy picture for you. You can see a larger version over at B3ta.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030213

Time
00:59
Damn it all, Thursday already? I get to educate someone today, which is good – but that anti-war march is only two sleeps away. I have to get off my arse and build some more placards.

I have two Bush/Blair placards left over from the mass lobby of Parliament. I gave a few away to other groups, who’ve popped up in the news here and there still sporting them. If you’re interested, there’s a blank of this placard here (52K JPEG).

I also have five unmade placards left over, and this is what I want to put on them. The government in this country asks us to believe some pretty stupid things these days; and we’re on the road to much, much stupider things. I’ve tried to bring this message home in a highly sensitive and subtle fashion, as you can see.

If you want a big version of this in JPG format, then click here (64K JPEG). It should print out more or less centred on a single A4 page, even with headers and/or footers (but if it doesn’t, then please do give me a shout). A quick trip down to the local newsagents or library can have this photocopied up to A3 with little fuss. I thought this to be a bit small myself, so I enlarged each half of the picture to 190% its normal size onto two separate sheets of A3 and spliced them together with some swift razor work back at home.

Placards or not, I urge you all to make plans to stand up and be counted this weekend. There are marches going on all over the world, and if you don’t like what these crazy buggers in charge of our lives are up to, then you should get your ship together now.

In fact, head to Google and look into what’s going on in your area right now so you don’t forget. The last thing you want to do is wake up on Saturday and realise where you should be.

If you’re worried about turning into a soap-dodging pacifist, then do what I do and look at it as a giant war of wills – with this weekend being the decisive battle.

It takes a lot of noise for us little folk to be heard, but once we get some serious numbers together, we’re pretty hard to ignore. I firmly believe the powers that be in this country can be shamed into doing the right thing. I hope that they will do so without us having to intervene, but I’m not counting my chickens.

UPDATE – BTW… I’m a peaceable man, but I have my limits. The arsehole cybersquatting stopwar.org is right to want to keep a low profile.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030214

Time
09:01
At last! The ‘agony and exhilaration of the weight loss journey’ is captured in a board game.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030214

Time
09:03
Two guys go on the town with a roll of medical ‘For Vaginal Use Only’ stickers.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030214

Time
09:07
Daniel Brandt’s holy crusade against Google continues. Beware the immortal cookie!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030214

Time
09:12
In a recent study to determine whether the Japanese quail could recognise images on a video screen as being from real life, the researcher first had to ensure that the footage/reality used for the experiment had the bird’s full and total attention. So he used quail porn.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030214

Time
09:16
McDonalds takes an anti-American stance if and when there’s a buck in it for them.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030214

Time
09:18
Who needs real life when you can go on a 360° virtual tour? There’s nothing I like more than standing in a room and spinning around and aound and around and around…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030214

Time
12:45
Another placard for you to download and distribute at will.

I have a large version in colour, but if you’re going to print in black & white, then this one is sharper.

Right now I have to get down to the local post office for some enlarged photocopies. Then I get my hands dirty.

Actual manual labour. It’s been a while…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030214

Time
13:20
Yay!

A wide selection of placards for you to download.

Just in case you think mine are crap.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030214

Time
14:18
Another placard for you. I don’t really know why.

Big in colour here or in crisp greyscale here.

Some hints for tomorrow:

- Plan your journey, but do not rely on public transport to get you all the way there. The tube in London is sure to be shut in places if it gets too crowded. If you live in the UK, there are bus services coming into London from all over the country. Book early. In fact, now.

- Pack a bag with at least two bottles of water, a sandwich and some snacks.

- Make your placards out of lightweight materials (or the police might confiscate them as ‘offensive weapons’).

- Wear sturdy but comfortable shoes (you will encounter mud).

- Dress in layers.

- Stay cool.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030214

Time
16:27
I still think mine is better.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030215

Time
21:32
‘Million’ march against Iraq war.

Don’t you just love the quotation marks?

Official numbers or not, it has been acknowledged by all as the biggest political march in Britain’s history.

I particularly enjoyed the spin suggesting we were well-intentioned-yet-naive people, as the powers that be suddenly decide that the priority is regime change. (We peacemongers stand in the way of that, y’see. So we’re killing people.)

Just last week, Tony Blair’s official and publicly detailed stance was that if we could ensure that there were no weapons of mass destruction under Saddam’s control, then the Iraqi people would be on their own.

And suddenly it’s all about (and has always been about) regime change on the grounds of humanity?

The sheer gall of these people continues to astound me.

What?

Oh, sorry.

If you’re a first-time visitor, then you should know that Tony Blair and I have developed some serious trust issues.

So, perhaps I should call it a night and let you decide what today really meant.

Besides, I’m tired. And my back hurts. And my feet hurt. And my legs hurt.

Bloody hell, what a great day!

(Details on Monday. Tim sleep now.)

16-31 January, 2003

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030116

Time
08:51
Yesterday I received 5 copies of the big@boss.com virus. Today, I received 12. Here’s what you need to know, here’s the listing at Symantec, and here’s a very interesting blog entry about it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030116

Time
08:57
Cancer patient sues McDonald’s after peppered burrito causes nosebleed.

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Date
20030116

Time
08:59
Copyright has now been extended to 70 years after the death of the creator, but works owned by corporations are now protected for 95 years. The Supreme Court certainly knows which side their bread is buttered on.

UPDATE – Here’s another article for you to seeth over and, while we’re on the subject, here’s a very interesting take on Creative Commons. I love the steaming, hot turd-protection analogy they’ve cooked up.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030116

Time
09:09
The Onion seems to be going from strength the strength these days:

Bush on North Korea: ‘We Must Invade Iraq’

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Date
20030116

Time
09:14
Not bad for The Times: The United States of America has gone mad.

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Date
20030116

Time
09:31
If Fark took over AOL (big download).

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Date
20030116

Time
09:32
You think you have problems? This lady has a haunted coffee pot.

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Date
20030116

Time
09:34
Given the number of kitted-out soldiers I’ve seen driving around, I’m pretty sure the anti-war protest scheduled for 15 Feb will be at least 2 weeks too late.

(Oops – did I just give away details of troop movements?)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030116
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
11:35
[nsfw image removed]
The Blair Porn Project has got the attention of all sorts of wonderful people (just under 30,000 individual visitors so far). We also own the zone in Google, holding the top two search results for ‘blair porn’.

A lot of positive emails have been coming in, too. One of the better ones is from Fred, who writes:

“I really like your porning Tony into delivering a publicly available email address project. But your second image of the United Kingdom’s ‘special relationship’ with the United States really soft-pedals the matter. If you want to obey truth-in-imaging principles, you’d show top dog Bush mounting his lap dog, which is pretty much the situation between the former colonies and their colonial master turned colony.”

Fred goes on to note that we’ll probably get there eventually – and he’s probably right.

Oh, I also got a one-word email from my mother. It simply said: “Behave!”

Sorry Mum.

My in-laws have also heard about this, and are actually quite amused by the whole thing – but then, they haven’t seen the images. Yet. I hope I’ll still be welcome for tea this weekend.

Still no word from Downing Street about a delivery date on the email address. They didn’t send a representative to the pub yesterday, either – so today we present you with this wonderful image entitled Electric Tonyland.

His office has my number. All they have to do is call me and give me a realistic delivery date. I honestly hope they do so before I’m forced to go further.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030116
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
12:45


The mail just arrived, and includes a letter from a chappie in the Direct Communications Unit at 10 Downing Street. It’s a response to my facsimile of 6 Jan announcing strike action at Bloggerheads.

It reads:

“The Prime Minister has asked me to thank you for your recent letter and to tell you that the views you expressed have been carefully noted.”

You would think that I would be discouraged by what looks to be a bog-standard response.

Not so. Wanna know why?

I sent that fax via the email-to-fax service I’ve been telling you about. I thought it would be irresponsible to promote it widely if it didn’t work, so I tested it. This letter confirms that the email-to-fax service does indeed work.

So, feel free to send an email to the fax machine at 10 Downing St.

Plain text only, folks – and no attachments. Downing St also request that you include your full postal address in any correspondence.

Ask when the real email address will be ready if you like, or bring up anything else that’s on your mind – just please do use this function responsibly. We want to spur them into action, not piss them off.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030116

Time
16:17
Heh:

‘This is an unscientific, informal survey for the interest and enjoyment of TIME.com users and may not be indicative of popular opinion.’

I dunno, it looks pretty much on the money to me…

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Date
20030117

Time
08:45
By now you already know about the empty chemical warheads found by UN weapons inspectors, but did you know that Saddam is actually just doing research for a book on weapons of mass destruction?

Time to prepare for war, children. Start here, then get serious.

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Date
20030117

Time
08:51
Adult book store offers discounts to members of the clergy. A local spiritual leader was quoted as saying:

“I just hope I’m not too close when the lightning strikes.”

Whatever happened to turning the other bumcheek?

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Date
20030117

Time
08:53
British man kills himself with homemade guillotine. Did they find a copy of this on his bookshelf?

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Date
20030117

Time
08:55
Rolling Stones fan dies, misses concert. Wife turns up instead to scatter his ashes on stage. A spokesperson for the Stones said: “That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.” A spokesperson for the Stones! Perhaps the widow should have stuffed the ashes into a Mars bar first…

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Date
20030117

Time
08:59
Vagina Institute, or American Ladder Institute? Vagina Institute, or American Ladder Institute? Hell, I can’t decide. Let’s move on, shall we?

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Date
20030117

Time
09:01
Discover the hidden evil of Happy Meal Transformers.

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Date
20030117

Time
09:02
The ultimate computer peripheral.

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Date
20030117
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
09:39
Yes, it’s finally time to bring the genitalia out, but I tried to do so with a little bit of class. If you want to send copies to family and friends, then it’ll be the large version you’re after.

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Date
20030117

Time
16:28
I simply don’t believe that someone could be naive enough to think ‘Free Lollies’ is an approriate name for a kid’s clothing store – or that some questionable associations wouldn’t be made to a Kids Say The Funniest Things competition. Still, there it is in black and white, and here’s my contribution in full, living colour.

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Date
20030120
Tony Blair’s Email: The Specifications
Time
18:30

A horrible thought occurred to me in the very early hours; what happens when 10 Downing St (finally) delivers on this email service, but the result is pants?

This government has a far from exemplary record when it comes to IT delivery (though they are big on promises and attaching the letter ‘e’ to the front of everything). Also, I’ve offered the chaps in charge the benefit of my experience on numerous occasions, only to see this kind offer turned down time and again.

So…

I figured it would be simpler just to publish what I would see to be the ideal specifications. This way they can just steal what they want and claim it was their idea all along. I don’t really care, so long as the job gets done – and done properly.

In fairness, it has to be stated that the current regime at 10 Downing St has a pretty good record of replying to correspondence from members of the public by letter and facsimile, and an interesting piece of spin has come my way that one of the reasons for the hold-up on email is their wish to continue this good record when it comes to replying to emails.

Email presents several problems on this front, so what I’ll be doing is outlining each problem, assigning solutions to each of them, and building a complete solution as we go along.

Problem 1 – The Perils of a Published Address

This is the biggest problem of all, in that it opens the service up to all manner of abuse, including:

Spambots: A published address on an accessible page is sure to be gathered up by spambots (automated software programs that gather email addresses from indexed web pages). The result would be masses of spam that are sure to jam up the service. Additionally, we do not want the Prime Minister to fall afoul of Nigerian scam artists. He already has Peter Foster handling that side of things.

Viruses: Not only will the occasional tosser think it’s funny to send a virus to 10 Downing St, there are a number of viruses that – once they infect a machine – go on to send the virus to every detectable address being viewed on an open web page. The best defence against this is not to publish an unprotected address in the first place.

Dirty Pictures: Heh. Like I can talk.

Third-party Sharing: Even if the address is published in a spam-blocked or otherwise protected format, there’s nothing stopping action groups from digging this out and publishing an unprotected version on their website, opening it up all over again to the three former kinds of abuse.

Solution: The email function must be provided in a text-only form format that fully disguises the destination address (domain and all). This system must also make it impossible to dig the address out manually.

Problem 2 – The Single Synapse Theory

From thought to deed in one simple click of the wrist. A large number of the emails I’ve received that were intended for Tony Blair had been CC’ed to just about every world leader as well (whether the issue was directly relevant to them or not). Often, these emails result from an individual collecting the addresses from one activist site or another, and simply cutting and pasting them into the ‘To:’ field. Many of them are the most banal of rants that may make the sender feel better, but do nothing to maintain a viable communications channel for people with a valid reason to contact the PM.

Solution: Again, a form format with a hidden destination is the cure. Further:

Problem 3 – Downing Street Requests That You Include Your Full Name & Address With All Correspondence

And fair enough. You do want a reply, don’t you? If you don’t, you’re just pissing into the wind and deserve to be ignored. If you expect something to be done about your concerns, you should be willing to commit fully to the action of communicating with the PM’s office. Some folks are still going to want to rant, so this data entry should be made optional to avoid them entering false data to try and fool the automated system (but a note must be made above the entry fields warning that messages sent without a valid return address may not receive a reply).

Solution: The form must have entry fields for the full name and address – and email address – of the sender. Back-end postcode verification for UK residents would be required as a matter of course. Messages sent without such details or from international addressees (see below) will automatically have an automated ‘ping’ reply sent to the email address provided from a non-descript address at a different domain to the core one. If this bounces back, then the message may as well be dumped straight into a deep, dark, black hole. (Hey, they were warned…)

Problem 4 – The International Audience

Among the emails I’ve received for Tony are a lot of appeals from people in other countries – some from the third world. Given the impact specific government policy and our lifestyle in general have on some people, it’s important that this channel remain open to all parties. I’m assuming here that Downing St would prefer to reply by snail mail to the bulk of valid messages sent from within the UK, but saddling the communications department with sudden foreign mail expenses just isn’t going to work. If a valid email address were given, it would be best if Downing St replied to this address. However – and this is a big bloody ‘however’ – only a single such recipient needs to publish the address used for this purpose for us to be back at square one with Problem 1.

Solution: Replies of this kind must be in the form of unique_automated_number@not-the-main-domain (e.g. 384552549@downingstcom.gov.uk). Subsequent replies from the original senders to this specific address can also be automated to go directly to the individuals or departments the issue refers to (see Problem 7). Emails to an individual address from any other address than the one used for the original correspondence would indicate that this address has been shared and/or published, so they would go into a deep, dark, black hole. Ditto for any emails to educatedguess@not-the-main-domain and so on.

Problem 5 – Hammering by Activists

The bulk of the email I’ve received has been from activists who hammer the address on an almost daily basis. Again, pissing into the wind. If they’re that concerned about the state of the nation, they should bloody well run for office. Their abuse of this system (once it exists) threatens the ability of Joe Bloggs to raise singular and important issues with the PM.

Solution: Bulk communicators should automatically be sorted according to the email address of origin, with their messages forwarded to the department of bog-standard replies.

Problem 6 – Abuse by Arseholes

Let me draw from experience and quote from an actual example that I’ve received:

“Dear Tony, I had your wife in her chambers and she sure was fine…”

Solution: Requires manual deletion, but the problem is only an occasional one and – again – we rely on the ever-trustworthy deep, dark, black hole. No pun intended.

Problem 7 – The PM Can’t Be Everywhere; Can’t Do Everything

Some emails come from folks with local issues who are at their wits end and wish to go ‘straight to the top.’ Others are from subscribers to the Daily Mail convinced that foreigners are stealing their garden gnomes or Sun readers who would like to see more topless chicks on the bench (or something like that). Mostly these involve issues that are best dealt with by their local MP, the Home Office, the Department of Jubbly Justice and so on.

Solution: The problem has arisen via email; let it be solved by email. The communications department needs to be armed with the best forwarding addresses for such cases, be they individual MP or government department. Letters from these referred departments can start off with ‘The PM’s office has advised us…’ just so everyone knows that Tony is on the case. Hey, he’s a leader. Leaders delegate, right? With email, this can take seconds.

Problem 8 – People With Actual Problems That Should Be Addressed By The Prime Minister

Solution: Deal with it. It’s your sodding job; remember? Oh, OK… I accept that you don’t have time to read everything (or even close to 1% of it), this is why those who do deal with your email should classify each and every valid message according to the issue it addresses and the position it takes on this issue – then make a record of it (e.g. hunting-for, immigrants-against). A table can then be drawn up to give you a weekly overview of direct feedback. A simple program should suffice, but it will have to be reasonably intelligent, otherwise you might get the idea that a policy of hunting immigrants will win you the next election.

Problem 9 – This Is Going To Cost Money

Well, it is – let’s admit it. Even once we’ve filtered out all the garbage, you’re going to have to bring some IT-savvy chaps in to deal with what’s left. I would like to stress at this stage that the following isn’t really my kind of my idea; it’s usually yours:

Solution: Part-privatisation! Have opt-ins on the email entry page that allow those who say ‘yes’ to receive occasional promotional messages from you, your party, or from commercial parties who wish to buy your list. The database proposed above could even link in with this to group recipients from your growing mailing list according to location and/or interest. Hell, you could even sell a copy of the list to your mate Richard Desmond so he can send promotional emails out to increase readership of the Express, get more subscribers signing up for Asian Babes, or pull in a few extra viewers for his X-rated cable channel.

Well, there you have it. Please try to see past the occasional piss-take and dig out the useful content. (This kind of immature needling is necessary to entertain my audience. Now, if you’d given me a chance to contact you directly…)

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Date
20030120

Time
08:48
Of course, you already know all about it, but just for the record: Anti-war demonstrators rally around the world and Saddam does his best to shit all over their efforts.

I have the feeling we’re going about this the wrong way, folks. Perhaps we should appeal directly to the Iraqi people and do a deal. They oust Saddam, and we oust Bush. There’ll be bloodshed, of course – but nobody said Bush was going to give up the White House without a fight.

UPDATE – And now, a word from the little people.

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Date
20030120
Flash Games
Time
09:01
Spacecab! Trust me, you’ll like it. Or you’ll be crap at it like me and decide suddenly that you hate it.

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Date
20030120

Time
09:04
Watch the video of Diana Ross’s arrest.

Warning: It’s pretty dull, and doesn’t contain any of the fun stuff you would expect, like Lady Diana falling on here arse and singing; “Touuuuch me in the mor-*hic*-orrrning…”

Here – watch some 80′s commercials instead.

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Date
20030120

Time
09:13
Seasoned court reporter sits through TV court show marathon. Verdict: TV Judges are nothing like real judges, and spend most of their time playing up to the camera.

Hard-hitting investigative journalism at its best, folks.

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Date
20030120
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:17
Is Saddam really trying to achieve nuclear capability? This recent document find would certainly suggest it. I saw part of the seizure on the news. The chap who owned the house said to camera – and I swear that this is true – that it was ‘private research for a book.’

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Date
20030120

Time
09:21
Do dolphins and whales deserve their own nation and a place in the UN? This chap seems to think so.

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Date
20030120

Time
09:26
By now you’re wondering where the next Blair Porn image is…

Well, to be fair, I said I was going to take it easy last week, but ended up producing an image every day (curse my overactive creative drive). I think it’s only fitting that we give the folks at 10 Downing St a few days to catch up, don’t you?

I have something special in mind on this front, but I need to get some work done first. Back soonish.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030120

Time
17:11
Damn it!

Too much work.

Too much work.

Too much work.


That something special probably won’t be published until tomorrow – but it is written and ready to go.

I’ll try to get it live as soon as, but right now I’m busy knocking some placards together for a little gathering tomorrow.

Note to self: must try harder.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030120

Time
08:45
Here’s an opinion piece on the recent (and quite ridiculous) extension of copyright for corporations, and here’s a few words from Mickey Mouse himself.

UPDATE – And now, a word from the little people (again).

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Date
20030121

Time
23:50

Dear Tony,

Today is an important lesson in irony. There are many layers, so please pay attention (there will be a test later).

There you were as the lead story blustering through your insistence to MPs that this ‘inevitable’ war is justified. Put on the spot, you had to admit that there was no detectable connection between Saddam and Al-Qaeda. Still, it was important (you said) to keep the pressure up on Saddam.

What followed was Young Dubya, drawling in best Texan (and in a decidedly Reagan-esque manner) that: “It appears to be the re-run of a bad movie. He is delaying. He is deceiving. He’s asking for time. He’s playing hide and seek with his records…”

From there we cut to the protest outside, featuring footage of a placard that showed you cuddling up with the aforementioned Dubya.

An image that would not even exist had you not delayed, deceived and asked for more time to deliver your long-overdue email address.

Where did I see this particular news sequence?

Well, the BBC for a start. Then ITV. Then CNN.

You and I as seasoned marketing bods know very well that news chappies are going to go for the shot that best encapsulates the overall feeling of any given event. That’s why I chose one word to go with one image.

The Blair Porn Project had previously reached about 50,000 people. Today, I reached over a million (with a wider message than the accessibility of one pissy little email address).

Because you wouldn’t listen.

I’m just one little guy with one little website, but I read more emails intended for you than you probably ever will. And I listen.

Are you listening today? I hope so, because (and here I slip into a smooth Texan drawl) the stakes just went higher.

I want to hear from you.

You.

Not your office – not even your highest flunky.

You.

I’m really not asking for much, and I’ve done my damnedest to be fair about it. I’ve also invested a ridiculous amount of time in asking – in fact, begging – you to make good on this simple (almost throwaway) promise. I’ve even done my best to help you make it happen. Truth be told; I should send you a fucking invoice.

It can get worse, or it can get a whole lot better. The choice is yours.

Please get in touch.

Regards,

Tim Ireland

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030121

Time
08:42
I was via a passing mention of Bloggerheads in this Slashdot thread that I found out about the campaign to find John Howard’s email. Turns out that little Johnnie does have an email facility, but his office never, ever replies – so now there’s a campaign to find his email address.

This morning I heard from a journalist from that most excellent newspaper, the Sydney Morning Herald (while you’re there, check out Column 8…).

He noted quite rightly that I may have to update a Tony page or two with one small correction.

Will do.

Are you paying attention Downing St? This is what happens when you piss people off. Do you want them to use the system or abuse it?

Use it? Fine – then read the specs and get off your collective arses, OK? I do not want to have to publish the email-to-fax address widely.

I’m even going to be nice enough to offer a 7-day amnesty on Blair Porn. Actually, I’m not going to be that nice – it started yesterday.

You have 6 days, people. Please get back to me with a delivery date – or at the very least include an actual date in your answer to the parliamentary question tabled today by Tom Watson.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030121
Photoshopping
Time
10:13
Well, there’s no Blair Porn for a few days -so I guess you know what that means…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030121

Time
10:33
I have to pop out for a bit now, folks. I’m off to lend my voice to the Mass Lobby of Parliament. Look for me amongst the rabble out front of the public entrance of Parliament from 2:30pm onwards. I’ll be the chap carrying the placard with this picture on it. Well, I’ll be one of the people carrying such a placard. I made 4 last night, so I’d have a few to share.



UPDATE – Huzzah for my local MP Sue Doughty, who will be speaking at the rally later on in the evening.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030122

Time
00:21
I apologise – yet again – for the lack of fun bloggage, but my priorities are pretty clear at this stage (and I have some pretty important family stuff to deal with for most of today).

Do me favour and email me with any sightings of my placard on news sites, OK?

Everybody seemed to appreciate what it said, and I had my picture taken about a thousand times by the feel of things. (BTW, I’m much more handsome in person. Quite striking, in fact…)

If you feel the need, trip over to Fark, FunJunkie or The Ultimate Insult for a heady dose of silliness.

Otherwise, if you want to make sure Tony gets my message; you know what needs to be done.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030122

Time
14:01
Surprise, surprise – none of Murdoch’s papers ran the story today. Ditto for Dirty Desmond’s. According to them, it just didn’t happen. But it did – and it was big. You should have seen the line of people waiting to lobby their MP. It damn near ran the full length of the building – and it’s a very loooong building, people.

Still…

I made the front page of The Herald in Glasgow.

And the front page of Guardian Unlimited.

And the front page of The Independent. Only page two of the print version, but that’s OK – it wasn’t a very flattering photo.

Someone else spotted the image (it’s very small, but it’s there) on this BBC news page.

The placard was also seen in news reports last night and early this morning on Channel 4, ITV, BBC1, BBC News 24 and CNN.

Oh, and word of the Blair Porn Project has reached The Sydney Morning Herald. Back page of the print edition and here on their website.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to report sightings. I feel very good today.

Remember, there’ll be fresh porn starting next Monday. Unless, of course, Tony shocks us all and pulls his finger out. (Hmm, now there’s an image waiting to happen…)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030122

Time
14:36
Yay! A cracker over at Yahoo (spotted by Lindsay). The caption doesn’t wrongly identify me as a member of the CND, either…

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Date
20030123

Time
08:04
Lady builds Lego house for cat. Lego house becomes Lego church. Cat dies. I think there’s a message in that for all of us.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:06
Cow born with one brain, three eyes and two snouts.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:09
Vote for the 2003 Bloggies. Bloggerheads isn’t listed, but it’s my own stupid fault for going on strike during the nominations.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:11
Lisa Marie sings for Scientology, proving once and for all that there is no God.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:13
Go write on the wall.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:14
Meet Whiplash, the rodeo monkey (he’s so famous, he even has his own jigsaw puzzle). Whiplash may wear spurs and ride a border collie, but he doesn’t smoke cigars – or even Marlboro Lights. What a pussy.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:19
Rapist stops attack when woman starts praying. Her exact words were: “Please, God. Please, God, no. God, please, no.” It seems to me that this would be a turn-on for most people. Right, guys? Guys?

*sigh*

Anyway, he asked if she was a Christian. When she said ‘yes,’ he zipped up and walked out – presumably to go and find a heathen to violate.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:25
Recent anti-war protests were the first mass demonstrations to occur before a conflict. See what happens when we’re not 100% reliant on mass media? Now you know why there are so many scare stories about the Internet in the newspapers.

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Date
20030123

Time
08:33
Lots of visitors from Australia yesterday and today – and many, many requests for a John Howard image for use on placards. Your wish is my command – I’ll begin image-hunting right now.

In the meantime, feel free to browse through this selection of ready-made posters.

UPDATE – I’m finding it hard to locate some decent high-res pictures of Little Johnnie. I’ll do what I can to find better, but here’s a small one to tide you over. Sorry there’s no tongue.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030123
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
14:20
I regret to announce a premature end to the 7-day amnesty.

Despite constant appeals to his office and a parliamentary question that specifically asked when the service would be ready, Tony Blair has chosen to call our bluff.

Porn production begins afresh today. You can read all of the necessary details (and see today’s picture, which is not at all suitable for the front page) here.

Please note that all Blair Porn images are free for public distribution. Feel free to copy them, use them, or send them to anyone to like.

That is all.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030123

Time
15:11
Congratulations to Adrian from Expat Egghead, who has recently converted to Interactivism.

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Date
20030124

Time
09:35
The Tupperware army has finally been defeated. Amway is next.

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Date
20030124

Time
09:37
Somebody already brought this to my attention, but as it’s climbing well on Blogdex I should mention it here:

Googlert is a new service that performs regular Google searches on your behalf and emails you the results.

Looks like a brilliant service – but I can’t see it lasting. Google has a history of shutting down sites that plug into theirs without authorisation or a formal partnership agreement.

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Date
20030124

Time
09:41
Fatmouse is ready to take over the world. Move over Big Bunny!

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Date
20030124

Time
09:42
Man lives after having his head ripped off. Would he have survived if they shat down his neck?

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Date
20030124

Time
09:44
Teachers at a primary school have been told not to mark children’s work in red ink because it upsets the poor little dears. Now they mark in green. I wonder how long it will take the kids to work that one out…

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Date
20030124

Time
09:47
US begins secret talks to secure Iraq’s oilfields.

Oh, someone from Greenpeace has been in touch wanting to know if I can help out with the fight against Exxon (Esso) by applying my photoshoppery to the issue.

Let me have a quiet think about that and work on it later. Porn comes before principle.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030124

Time
09:50
Salon robber gets $100, some credit cards… and a pair of scissors lodged in his back.

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Date
20030124

Time
09:52
The Bloggies revealed. Well thought out, and with a lot of detail. Read this one over lunch and prepare to click, because there a number of great sites and weblogs listed here that may very well be new to you.

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Date
20030124

Time
09:55
This guy is convinced that the government is using mind control on him and he wants to tell everybody. (Yes, I mean everybody – you will note with alarm and interest the link down at the bottom of the page that reads: ‘Wanted! Translators.’)

My question is, if the government is really controlling his mind, why did they stop messing with his marbles long enough for him to spill the beans?

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Date
20030124

Time
09:58
Peace heckler disrupts Blair speech.

I love this: “Mr Wilson, 22, who managed to slip into the hand-picked audience after borrowing a friend’s Labour Party card, demanded Mr Blair answer questions about Iraq.”

Dammit, I wish I’d thought of that. I could have tried to read his email out loud to him. I mean, it’s got to reach him somehow, right?

Back soon with porn. Stay tuned.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030124
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
11:06
Well, we did warn him that we’d start on the missus sooner or later. Do you really want to see what’s underneath? No, I didn’t think so. Send an email to the PM’s fax machine via this address and stop this insanity!

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Date
20030124
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
17:31

Right now I’m looking at a fair amount of email asking (in some cases begging) for an immediate end to Cherie Porn. There are three major types, which read pretty much as follows:

- Please no nude pictures of Cherie; my stomach can’t handle it.

- I suppose I would after a few pints, but I’d really rather not think about it.

- Cherie is a lawyer and will eat you for breakfast.


And, by far the most common:

- Poor Cherie, she’s only his wife, doesn’t run the country, etc. etc., leave her alone.

It’s always interesting rolling into the weekend with a direct email vote, so let’s do just that. (Besides, I’ll probably be too busy to blog much until Tuesday so this will give you even more time to wrestle with your conscience and/or hammer your keyboard.)

Please remember that whatever we do, we have made a commitment to escalate activity until Tony gets in touch. If we wimp out now, there will be very little hope of an email service before war breaks out. This basically means that if we don’t run sequentially through some softcore Cherie, then we pretty much have to get x-rated with Tony. It’s not going to be pretty!

So, the question I put before you is this:

Should we mess with the PM’s missus?

A – No! I’d actually rather see Tony in hardcore action poses (as strange and disturbing as that may sound).

B – Yes! She’s played along so far and milked the situation for all it’s worth. She may as well take the good with the bad.

Voting will be open throughout the weekend (and probably for most of Monday). Emails to the usual address.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030125

Time
12:22
We had some server problems this morning; site, email and all. If you voted before midday today, chances are your message didn’t reach me (so you may have to re-send). Apologies for the hassle.

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Date
20030125

Time
12:25
If you’re British (or perhaps even Australian) and have seen The Two Towers, then I bet I can ruin a repeat viewing for you with one simple image. Are you ready? Here ’tis.

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Date
20030125
Phil Collins: Guilty Of Abusing A Minor
Time
17:56
Also F Sharp, E Flat and C Major…

Baboom-tischh!

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Date
20030127
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
08:49
As expected, I’m too busy to be able to blog effectively today – but I did trip over this fantastic anti-KFC site (it even has a less-than-subtle kid’s section) and this tribute to The Tomorrow People, a television show that – ironically enough – I used to have to wake up at 5am to watch because we didn’t have VCRs back in the old days.

A quick glance at the weekend’s emails shows a clear swing against Cherie Porn, but you still have all of today in which to vote.

Should we mess with the PM’s missus?

A – No! I’d actually rather see Tony in hardcore action poses (as strange and disturbing as that may sound).

B – Yes! She’s played along so far and milked the situation for all it’s worth. She may as well take the good with the bad.

Vote now.

Alternatively, if you think we’ve already gone too far, you can send an email to Tony Blair’s fax machine and urge him to get back to me with a delivery date.

See you tomorrow.

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Date
20030128

Time
08:32
A filthy, rotten cold hit me like a ton of bricks late last night and I really feel quite awful this morning. Please pardon any vague thoughts or typos.

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Date
20030128

Time
08:34
Lego used in executive stress relief program.

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Date
20030128

Time
08:37
Someone has written in and pointed out that all of the saints listed for the Universal Church of the Interactive Network are men. Of course, it’s a woman who feels it necessary to complain about it. You’d think she’d have better things to do with her time than hassle me – like maybe cleaning the damn kitchen or making babies.

(Of course I’m kidding, woman! Don’t get your knickers in a knot. And put down the carving knife, there’s a good lass. Ada Byron will be given due consideration for the long-overdue site overhaul. I need to spruce up the holidays a bit as well. I thought International Back-Up Day would be a good idea. Any other suggestions are welcome. It’s your church, too.)

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Date
20030128

Time
08:47
One in five suffers from ‘banking phobia.’ Yup, got yer one in five right here. My main symptom is deliberately looking away from the balance display when withdrawing money from an ATM.

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Date
20030128

Time
08:51
Swim-team’s coe-ed shave-down ritual given the chop after outcry from parents. Not the parents of the teenage shavers, mind you – but those of the 8-year-olds that walked in on them.

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Date
20030128
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
08:58
The Race to Kill Kazaa.

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Date
20030128

Time
09:00
Meet Uncle Bugly (aka William Broookfield, aka That Scary Man Down The Road), founder of the Worldwide Church of Kindness. He makes me seem positively normal by comparison.

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Date
20030128

Time
09:04
Read some reactions to the ‘first-ever’ spam. There are surprisingly few swear words, but this was back in 1978 – and the world was a kinder, gentler place back then.

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Date
20030128
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
10:37
[nsfw image removed]
Your votes have been counted, and a late run has seen an overwhelming majority opting for continued Cherie Porn.

Still, I spent so long on this one it seemed a shame to let it go to waste (and there were many, many requests to bring Aussie PM ‘Little Johnny’ Howard into the equation).

If you want a larger copy for email distribution, you’ll find one here [nsfw].

I’ll start working on a new one for Cherie tomorrow. Request for themes and scenarios are being taken – emails to the usual address.

In the meantime…

Quite a few emails voiced a concern that’s been nagging me for some time. What if the folks in his office are keeping this campaign from Tony? Personally, I’m finding it increasingly hard to believe that a man in his position would let things go this far when all we’re requesting is an expected delivery date.

If he’s yet to be made aware of it, then perhaps we should try to reach him via other channels. I have some stuff to get on with right now, but later on today I might just try to look up a new notable bods that have direct access to Tony (or perhaps even Cherie). People like cabinet ministers, celebrities, Australian con-men, psychics and like that.

If you know of any likely names, it would be a big help.

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Date
20030128

Time
11:22
Bush’s ‘Made in the USA’ Backdrop Hides ‘Made in China’ Labels.

(link via the increasingly addictive catch.com)

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Date
20030128

Time
15:45
When she comes home, does she brush her teeth before kissing the kids goodnight?

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Date
20030129

Time
08:27
A Ufologist has claimed that pictures captured by a NASA satellite proves existence of aliens in space. SOHO scientists have responded with a guide to creating similar ‘convincing’ images from their data – and, one can presume, a resounding chorus of “Nerny-nerny-ner-ner!”

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Date
20030129

Time
08:39
Clonaid’s vice president Thomas Kaenzig is expected to appear in a Florida court today to answer questions about the existence and location of their alleged cloned child. Meanwhile, UFO groups are distancing themselves from Raelians and this Christian website happily claims that Clonaid ‘may have hurt its own cause by affiliating with a religious sect that puts its faith in UFOs instead of God.’

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Date
20030129

Time
08:49
Pravda asks: “Is Stealth (technology) a present of some space beings?”

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Date
20030129

Time
08:58
Protect yourself from alien control and/or abduction with this fabbadoobie thought screen helmet or, if you’re on a tight budget, you can use some of the abduction prevention methods outlined here. Sometimes it’s as easy as leaving a bright light on when you go to sleep.

(I knew it! I knew it!)

If it’s too late and you’ve already been abducted, probed and tagged – you need this guide to alien implant removal and deactivation.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030129

Time
09:39
Aliens In The Bible is a book that ponders on the appearances of angels, apparitions and other forms of divine intervention listed in the Bible and attempts to match them with various forms of extraterrestrial interference (or guidance, depending on your point of view).

Is the beast spoken of in the book of Revelation actually an artificial intelligent life form? Were the giants of Genesis genetically engineered hybrids of humans and fallen angels? Are miracles such as reincarnation or resurrection actually possession of the deceased by alien beings?

Well, the good news is you don’t have to fork over good money to find out, because the entire book is free to download. This, however, should not stop you from popping over to Amazon to read the rather mixed reviews.

One reads: “Hire an editor. Virtually every page of your book contains at least one error in punctuation, grammar or spelling, not to mention wrong word usage, mixed metaphors and generally unnecessary rambling.”

Another counters with: “I would prefer to read over these trivialities to know that some editor from some large publishing house did not in fact have their hands in this work. The Lord often uses those that seem to be ‘lacking’ to get out the greatest truths.”

I’m sure you’ll draw great comfort from the fact that the ‘lacking’ author (John W. Milor) is also employed by the Air Force National Guard as a computer security officer.

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Date
20030129

Time
09:47
You may not think that the site of pop star wannabe Andrew Antone is in keeping with the rest of today’s posts, but I’m convinced that Andrew is either from another planet or part of a vast government conspiracy.

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Date
20030129
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
16:56
Heh. I do forget from time to time how many new visitors we get each day, so I should explain that today’s theme was the result of creative necessity. The job called for some research into aliens, thus the bloggage.

I tried to knock together a Cherie picture based on the theme – but no matter what source pic I started with or how I dressed it up, the resulting images of the PM’s wife being abducted and/or probed by nasty grey aliens were just too, too disturbing for publication.

I do have a marvellous, marvellous portrait in store for tomorrow, though. Worth waiting for, I guarantee.

Oh, worth noting for the record is the huge increase in the number of searches for Tony Blair’s email address.

People seem to be getting a little anxious. Funny that.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030130
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
08:05
Heh. The The State of the Union Address has been outranked by The State of the Union Address Drinking Game.

(Also, a number of FortuneCity links have appeared in the charts courtesy of yet another slew of dead weblogs.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030130

Time
08:09
The Yellow Times asks: Whose world is it, anyway?

If you ask me, we should all join The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement and let the doplphins make a go of it.

(latter link via ultimateinsult.net)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030130

Time
08:11
Boy saves eight puppies, two adult dogs, a pair of gerbils and a bird named Lucky from his burning mobile home. Good thing he skipped school that day.

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Date
20030130

Time
08:14
Man in wheelchair dies when emergency medical worker falls on him.

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Date
20030130

Time
08:16
Lots and lots of sexy toes.

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Date
20030130

Time
08:17
Ooh, it’s snowing again! Excuse me for a bit while I go out and play…

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Date
20030130
Weblog Marketing
Time
09:22
Jim McClellan of The Guardian has written a pretty misguided piece on the business applications of weblogs. While it does sniff at these ideas in general, it spends an awful amount of time focusing on things like affiliate marketing and advertising (damn it, these methods were dumped by smart marketers long before blogging hit the mainstream). There’s a final paragraph or two touching on the ‘small’ matter of an effective company voice, but he completely ignores the factor of Search Engine Optimisation. This is where weblogs really come into their own, and ironically all he had to do to find out about it was conduct a little bit of research.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030130
Yet Another Lame Quiz
Time
09:34
Actually, this one is pretty enlightened:

Which OS Are You?

I’m Apple DOS 3.1 – primitive but reliable.

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Date
20030130
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
09:39


OK, folks – here she is, as promised.

Isn’t she lovely?

If this really pumps your nads and/or if you want to share it with your friends, then you’ll probably want to take a look at this wonderfully large version.

All the folks that voted in favour of more Cherie Porn had me worried, I must admit – but now even I’m beginning to see the attraction.

Just to remind you, you can (sort of) email Tony Blair by sending a plain-text email to this address. Doing so will magically convert your email into a fax and send it to Tony Blair’s fax machine. Isn’t technology wonderful?

Downing St request that you include your full name and address, blah blah blah.

Tell Tony anything you like, but please – for the sake of my mental health – ask him to get a proper email address sorted out while you’re there.

Thanks.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030130

Time
13:55
Tessa Jowell (the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport) is being a good little soldier. She has – amazingly – backed an official ban of the upcoming anti-war protest in Hyde Park on the basis that (wait for it) the grass will suffer. (Though there are other concerns that have recently been added to spin – like worries that British folk may not know how to walk on wet grass and/or mud without hurting themselves. Sounds like a great excuse to wear heavy boots to me.)

An attempt to sabotage this planned assembly that renders me quite speechless.

Do they really think this is going to stop anybody? Did they really think for a second that this lame excuse would be accepted without comment (or laughter, for that matter)?

Needless to say, the protest is still going ahead on the 15th of February, and everything you need to know is at www.stopwar.org.uk

You may also want to contact Tessa herself. Everything you need for that is right here.

What the hell, why don’t you give her office a call right now and talk to her support team? You can ask them where her brain is – or maybe if she’s been on the grass a bit herself lately.

The number is 020 7219 3409

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Date
20030131
Oldies but Goodies
Time
09:24
Today’s ilovebacon.com Mail Bag reads like a Who’s Who of web classics. You should recognise most of them immediately, but if you don’t… well, you better make sure you get some work done today, too.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131

Time
09:28
China Survey Finds 1 in 6 Haven’t Heard of AIDS.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131

Time
09:32
Watch out for Xupiter; an Internet Explorer toolbar program that will completely mess you up. It looks to be pretty serious stuff. Victims are calling for the death penalty… and worse.

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Date
20030131

Time
09:37
Lego Stanley Cup stolen. Reward offered.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131

Time
09:39
Police arrest near-naked burglar in wheelchair. He was only wearing a top hat and cape. That he had just stolen.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131

Time
09:41
Nothing says ‘class’ quite like beer wallpaper. I’m sure it won’t be the first time Bloggerheads has caused a drink to be spread across the monitor.

(Link submitted by Pete, who particularly enjoyed taking a very close look at VB and Guinness. By the way, you should never drink both of these beers in the same sitting. I speak from experience.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131

Time
09:47
Never mind the moon landings; the moon is fake. Made of processed cheese, no doubt.

Here are more conspiracy theories for you to enjoy – and these guys look serious.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:50
Kurt Vonnegut speaks on the subject of war, motives and humanity in general.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030131

Time
09:52
Telemarketers Sue to Stop ‘Do Not Call’ List. We have one of those over here in the UK called TPS (Telephone Preference Service). I’ve been on it for quite a few months now, and it’s great. A few idiots still call, but I actually quite enjoy spending a few moments detailing the nature and size of the fine they risk just for hassling little old me. They can’t get off the phone quick enough.

Here’s a guide for those of you suffering in the US.

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Date
20030131

Time
10:07
Europe and America must stand united.

“The real bond between the United States and Europe is the values we share: democracy, individual freedom, human rights and the Rule of Law. These values crossed the Atlantic with those who sailed from Europe to help create the USA. Today they are under greater threat than ever.”

Please excuse me while I vomit copiously.

In case you don’t know (or haven’t guessed), The Times is Rupert Murdoch’s main broadsheet here in the UK.

If you want my opinion, it’s Britain’s duty to pull out of this ridiculous charade and rob it of its last shred of respectability.

Want to do something today? Go to www.notinournamemusic.com and check out ‘Not In My Name – Pledge Of Resistance’ by Saul Williams. That’s a pretty top-heavy Flash site they’ve got going there, but the track and a number of mixes are also available here for free use and distribution. Enjoy. Link. Distribute at will. That is all.

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Date
20030131
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
16:32
URGENT UPDATE

The high volume of fan mail generated by the images of Cherie has inspired us to release a special ballad in her honour. Cherie Baby, an exclusive MP3 only available for download from this site, is a song about a man who encounters many images on his daily search for porn, but ends up falling in love with the finely compressed loveliness of Cherie Blair.

[linkremoved]Click here to download Cherie Baby[/linkremoved] (2.63 Mb MP3)

The lyrics are by yours truly, but the musical arrangement and performance is by the most excellent Koit. I urge you to visit his site and sample his wares the moment you have a free hand.

Happy Birthday To Me

A few comments came in yesterday and this morning about this YellowTimes article. The best noted quite rightly that it was ‘long on criticism but short on ideas for action.’

I must admit that I’ve been guilty of such articles myself in the past. I should also note for the record that, while I may take the piss from time to time, I don’t think your average American is evil. Just comfortable.

The way the system works, you’re being squeezed and abused to the limit, but thankfully there are plenty of third world countries that can take up the slack and keep those important supplies of coffee, chocolate and designer trainers coming in by the boatload.

If you had the time to ponder on the real cost of your standard of living, I’m sure you’d want to take action, but very little of this information reaches you. A small cartel of media owners with a very similar political agenda to the folks in power controls this flow.

You also have very little time to dwell on such things. As well-off as you may be, you still have to struggle to keep afloat. And there is a war on. This week with Eastasia. (What am I saying? We’ve always been at war with Eastasia!)

I’m not even pretending for a second that America as a country is alone in all of this. The UK wants ever so much to be like you. They used to run the show, remember? Even Australia, that laid-back beacon of the south, is more than happy to bend over backwards to serve the modern money machine. (Actually, truth be told, we tend to bend over forwards, particularly when in comes to the needs of America – who have to give us Aussies a regular ass-fucking from time to time just to remind us that we’re her bitch and that’s the way it’s going to stay.)

Ooh, hasn’t it gone quiet all of a sudden?

Shall we stop for some entertainment?

Very well. Here are Kirk and Spock violating the prime directive. Please enjoy.

That's a load off my mind

Now, where were we? Ah, yes. It’s my birthday.

Having a birthday at this time of year sucks just a little. The combination Christmas/Birthday presents aren’t quite so bad, but everybody is worn out (and usually broke) after Christmas and New Year, so it’s very hard to bring a decent party together.

Bring a party together…

*ding*

What exactly do your think would solve the dilemma of the two-party system (that has lead to the stagnation of democracy in the US, the UK and Australia)? It seems to me that there are a lot of bright people online who’ve not only learned some long-forgotten lessons in humanity, but also know more about this communications medium than most politicians put together. Erm, except Al Gore, who invented it.

This allows us – potentially – to bypass the ‘free’ press and bring significant change to our little illusion of democracy. If we get our shit together and create the world’s first interactive political party. Hell, we could even go global like those evil commies.

I know it smacks of (*gasp*) socialism, but what we’re going through now seems awfully like taxation without representation. It should be pointed out at this stage that most Americans still enjoy the right to bear arms, but I dare not suggest you use them for the purpose they are intended, even to be a little ironic. To be honest, I fear the Redcoats – but there’s also the small matter of not murdering each other, which I for one think is a pretty good rule adopted by most enlightened religions.

The whole political party idea seems a little pie-in-the-sky, I’ll admit (and there are already a few people struggling to make it happen, I’m sure) but the question put before me most often is: “What am I supposed to do about it?”

Simple. You have to hit the fuckers who are really in charge, and hit them where it hurts.

- I don’t buy clothing in the High Street. I buy from charity stores. Suits included.
- I do my best to suppress my addiction to consumer goods, but when the uncontrollable craving comes upon me I go to a boot sale.
- I don’t buy their grubby little newspapers and magazines, and you shouldn’t either. Most of it is officially approved news and celebrity gossip anyway.
- I’ve also managed to successfully avoid interest in gladiatorial combat in all shapes and forms.
- I made a promise to my wife a long time ago that I wouldn’t become involved in politics, but I’m beginning to rethink my position on this. Sacrifices have to be made in the face on this ever-increasing shit-storm.

So, there’s a kind of list of ideas for action, just to get you started. Don’t like the system? Rob it of its resources. Change it, if you can. Even of you’re too young to run for political office, you can lay the groundwork now by living a clean and blameless life (doing so will make it harder for media moguls to bring you down when you do run).

Is that enough soul-searching and chest-beating for now? I would hope so.

I’ll be back tomorrow with more dogs climbing trees.

01-15 January, 2003

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030101

Time
08:48
The U.S. has begun torturing terrorist suspects. Techniques involve placing bags over suspect’s heads, making them sit/stand in awkward positions and depriving them of sleep. Sounds awfully familiar. Still, Dave Letterman seems happy to toe the line, so why should we be worried?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030101

Time
08:59
Gaze in wonder at this Peanuts Tarot Deck.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030101

Time
09:01
J.R.R. Tolkein gets the rock star treatment:

A recently ‘discovered’ handwritten translation and interpretation of Beowulf looks set to walk off the shelves in its published form. These secret diaries should also do well.

While we’re on the subject, it’s Tolkein’s birthday in a couple of days (mine too, but the papers always neglect to mention it).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030101

Time
09:04
Seems to be the season for birthdays: Happy Birthday to the Internet.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030101
Photoshopping
Time
09:12
Are we back with more? Yes, indeedy we are. A gallery update will follow soon (I might have another one up my sleeve today, so a new page seems to be in order).

“Do be careful with that, 007! It’s a fully primed thermal detonator with a 5 second fuse!”

Oh, and here’s some Star wars origami. Enjoy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030101

Time
09:16
Web ‘Game’ Allows Players to Create and Run Virtual Countries. As you no doubt suspect from watching Bush, yes it really is this easy.

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Date
20030101

Time
09:18
How to Write Like A Wanker.

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Date
20030101

Time
09:22
As chance would have it, I am thinking about getting more serious about my approach to art, but I draw the line at eating babies. Too many bones.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030101

Time
09:24
Mariah Carey flashes fadge. And here, for no reason whatsoever, is a recipe for Whole Stuffed Camel.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030101
Photoshopping
Time
12:46
My new year’s resolution is to be eligible to run for the Turner Prize. Sadly, to run for this year’s prize I would need to have major exhibition before May. Can’t do it. No time. Bummer.

So, I’m in for the long haul, which is good because I still have a fair way to go before I’m finished with this picture.

Oh, thanks go to Pope Nick for suggesting both of today’s well-overdue inclusions.

“I’m not *really* Princess Leia, honest. I was only pullin’ yer leg!”

(BTW, the gallery has now entered its 8th wonderful page. Glory be.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030102
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:27
The Mothers Against Videogame Addiction and Violence link that damn near topped the chart yesterday was a hoax. A nice one, too. Here’s the report.

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Date
20030102

Time
09:30
Here’s a wonderful list of new year’s resolutions, driven by blogs no less.

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Date
20030102

Time
09:33
Soldier of the Year wins supermarket trolley dash, heads straight for meat counter.

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Date
20030102

Time
09:35
This year’s List of Words Banished from the Queen’s English for Mis-Use, Over-Use and General Uselessness.

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Date
20030102
Photoshopping
Time
09:36
Sorry I’m running late this morning, BTW. I woke up with an overwhelming desire to ruin a perfectly good book and film.

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Date
20030102

Time
09:40
Diana Ross stopped for drunk driving. Better take this one with a grain of salt. The article states that ‘Ross was cooperative during the incident’, and I’m just not prepared to believe that.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030102

Time
09:45
Enter the deluded and disturbing world of a Neil Diamond impersonator.

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Date
20030102

Time
09:47
Our quality of life peaked in 1974. If you’re from the U.S. don’t panic! This does not apply to you. Your quality of life peaked in 1968.

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Date
20030102

Time
10:05
“Most Americans see themselves as innocent victims in a world gone mad and believe, quite naively, that their government holds the moral high ground in its efforts to establish a Pax Americana worldwide. The facts, however, reveal the United States to be not only a part of the cycle of violence, but the largest exporter of death and destruction this world has ever known.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030102

Time
10:07
Another ship has hit that sunken tanker chock-full of BMWs.

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Date
20030102
Photoshopping
Time
15:07
I was going to save this one until tomorrow, but I figured you might need some extra cheering up today, what with being back at work and all.

“Seth, I’m telling you, I saw her signalling the stormtroopers!”

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Date
20030104

Time
08:04
It’s snowing!

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Date
20030104
Photoshopping
Time
08:35
Check out this Spanish discussion board for some reactions to The Star Wars Photoshopping Project. For added entertainment, you may care to run it through Babelfish.

“Attention to which some has mounted pibe with long free time… Vedlo and already you will say to me, because I do not have words to describe it.”

Heh.

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Date
20030106
Blogfast – Day One
Time
08:50
I think you’ll agree that this whole Tony Blair email thing has rattled on just about long enough. They promised to have this sorted out by the new year. It’s the new year. I have stuff to get on with and so does Tony.

So…

As of 9:00am on the 6th of January 2003, Bloggerheads is on strike. Until the folks at Number 10 Downing St can resolve this issue, there will be no bloggage. Instead, bloggage will be replaced by continued and relentless repeats of the picture that haunts my dreams.

If you wish to enjoy continued blog activity, you would do well to contact the chappies in Tony Blair’s office and inform them by mail or fax that you would much rather do so by email. You especially must do this if you live in another country – or even outside of London. I’d even go so far as to advise such far-flung folks to start their letter with the following statement:

“This letter reaches you from _______________. Getting it to you cost me _____. Please make a note of that figure and refer to it specifically in the paragraph of your reply that expresses your profound appreciation of my monetary sacrifice.”

Downing St request that you include your full postal address in any correspondence. That is all.

Snail Mail

Tony Blair

10 Downing Street

London

SW1A 2AA

Facsimile

0207 925 0918

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Date
20030106

Time
14:00
Funnily enough, I find myself in a political mood today. I saw all sorts of interesting sites about George, Jeb and the rest of their wonderful family this morning. I even found a very funny site aimed at American teens showing them how their government works (well, how it’s supposed to work). I’d provide the links, but… well, you know what the score is. Go tell it to Tony.

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Date
20030107
Blogfast – DayTwo
Time
12:11
No, this isn’t a joke, hoax or imaginary tale. I am on strike. No bloggage and this same damn picture again and again and again until Tony Blair comes good with a publicly available email address. Did you send your letter or fax yesterday? If not, today is the day.


Snail Mail

Tony Blair

10 Downing Street

London

SW1A 2AA

Facsimile

+44 (0) 207 925 0918

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Date
20030108
Blogfast – Day Three
Time
08:11
“Quite apart from that, it is massively in our self-interest to remain close allies. Bluntly there are not many countries who wouldn’t wish for the same relationship as we have with the US and that includes most of the ones most critical of it in public. But we should use this alliance to good effect. The problem people have with the US – not the rabid anti-Americans but the average middle ground – is not that, for example, they oppose them on WMD or international terrorism. People listen to the US on these issues and may well agree with them; but they want the US to listen back.”

Read Tony Blair’s speech in full here, then get writing and tell him to stop being such a goddamn hypocrite. Today, people. I want this email address up and running ASAP.

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Date
20030109
Blogfast – Day Four
Time
08:54
Strike action continues, but I can be brought to the negotiating table by a reply from 10 Downing St. If you still haven’t sent your letter or fax to ask Tony when his promised email address will be ready, then do so today. To-day.

Snail Mail

Tony Blair

10 Downing Street

London

SW1A 2AA

Facsimile

+44 (0) 207 925 0918

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Date
20030110
Blogfast – Day Five
Time
08:28
Yep, still on strike, and as frustrating for me as it is for you. What you need to do is put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboards) and get that letter written. I doesn’t need to say much, it just needs to include the all-important question:

“Exactly when will this promised email address be ready? Can you perhaps provide us with an expected delivery date?”

FaxYourMP notes a 40% response rate from Tony, so you may even get a nice letter back if you include your full name and address. I’ll be calling Number 10 today to try and get some straight answers. I hold hopes for a brighter and bloggier Monday.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030110

Time
11:35
I’ve just talked to the folks what deal with this at 10 Downing St.

Thinking quite foolishly that I’d be able to get a straight answer, I was disappointed to be faced by repeats of their vague promise that it would be ready ‘early in the new year,’ but I did – eventually – manage to find out where they are with it.

No, I don’t have any specific dates, but when I pressed for details, I got the answer that they were still ‘evaluating the process.’ You know as well as I do that when – after all this time – they’re still sitting around talking about how it might be done, that this whole process could take weeks, if not months.

This facility exists for a number of world leaders. Perhaps they could drop a line to these IT departments in more advanced countries and ask them for some advice. They certainly don’t want to hear about any possible solutions from me.

So, where do we go from here?

1) Get back to blogging and trust that they’ll eventually deliver (perhaps even before the war starts).

2) Continue the strike, but this time with images of Tony Blair in pornographic poses.

I’m happy to stay on strike for as long as it takes, but what happens from here on will be decided by you, the union members. (Did you send your letters and faxes? I hope so. Downing St claims not to have seen any.)

Votes will be taken over the weekend by direct email.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030111

Time
09:52
Thanks for your votes. We’re split right down the middle at this stage, so keep them coming.

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Date
20030113

Time
08:36
People are stupid.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030113

Time
08:37
Store owner in walker shoots would-be robbers. He killed one and wounded the other with one shot from his trusty 12-gauge shotgun. And it’s not the first time this has happened, either…

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Date
20030113

Time
08:40
A juicy WTC conspiracy theory for you to chew on.

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Date
20030113

Time
08:42
The U.S. government has been spamming Iraqis, urging them to rat out their leader over hidden weapons of mass destruction, and disobey orders when it comes time to discharge them. Presumably it promises them a guaranteed financial reward and a larger penis in return.

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Date
20030113
Flash Games
Time
08:53
Play keepy-uppy in memory of Oolong, the finest balancing rabbit the world has ever known.

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Date
20030113
Tony Blair’s Email: The Porn Begins
Time
09:45
As you can probably tell, it’s a gloriously happy Monday morning with close to full bloggage. Voting from readers/members was 50-50 for most of the weekend, which meant that we couldn’t go forward in either direction without disappointing about half of you.

The options provided were as follows:

1) Get back to blogging and trust that they’ll eventually deliver (perhaps even before the war starts).

2) Continue the strike, but this time with images of Tony Blair in pornographic poses.

I must admit that we looked to be a no-win situation until I noticed that many folks voting for a return to work also expressed an interest in Blairporn, and that many who voted for a continued strike action did so mainly because Blairporn came with the package.

Added to this was the fact that I’ve yet to talk to a real person at 10 Downing St.

No matter what I do or how I approach the situation, I always seem to end up talking to an on-message flunky in the press office or someone-or-other in charge of communications. The last such person tried to offer some comfort by assuring me that she could see the IT department from where she was sitting, but this still doesn’t put me directly in touch with the person in charge of the project, now does it? At best, I can hear them playing Bullshit Bingo in the background.

When will this email service be delivered? Are they having any problems? Can I help? I can’t ask any of these questions and have them answered intelligently until I speak to someone in charge.

So far, I’ve tried to be pretty reasonable about this. I’m in command of most top search results pertaining to Tony Blair’s email address. Free email-to-fax services exist that would allow me to immediately provide a well-publicised ‘email Tony Blair now’ service that is sure to overload their fax machines within a day. I haven’t done this. Yet.

But…

The deletion of all remaining emails in my possession will be going ahead as planned in a about a week or so. (There’s a special surprise in store on this front, so do stay tuned for details…)

Additionally, the regular production of Blairporn begins today. We’ll start slowly with a few gentle barbs aimed at Tony. His office should be advised that these images will become increasingly pornographic until I get some real answers from the project leader who’s supposed to deliver this long-overdue email address.

Further, readers of this weblog will be requested to forward these charming images to friends and colleagues. Once each image is released in such a way, it will remain in the public domain pretty much forever. For-ev-er. No matter how many demands they send to have such images removed from this site or any other that cares to host it, they will continue to bounce from inbox to inbox and there won’t be a bloody thing they or I will be able to do about it.

Finally, if there’s a pronounced delay to a real reply from 10 Downing St, we start on Cherie (though we’ll probably kick in with the email-to-fax service before we stoop so low as to target Euan).

Because I’m such a nice chap, I’m going to hang back until this afternoon before publishing the first image, which I’ve just spent the last half-hour producing. I’m sure you’ll like it. It has a simplistic charm combined with a carefully-layered political message.

They’ve got my number. I’m hoping they’ll call.

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Date
20030113

Time
09:50
Heh. Something very interesting just dove into my inbox. One of our readers has received a reply. By email, no less. It clearly shows the interim service Number 10 has been using while the IT team get their act together.

Are you ready for this?

It’s Hotmail.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030113

Time
12:40
It’s the afternoon. Shall we try and be fair and wait until around 2:00pm?

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Date
20030113

Time
14:01
I called Downing St. I left a message. I gave them this URL. I gave them my phone number. 4 hours ago. I would consider that to be fair warning, wouldn’t you?

Here’s the first picture, as promised.

You’ll probably want to see the larger version, so you can forward it to friends and colleagues. Actually, this first one is pretty suitable for most of the family, too (but they are going to get steadily worse as time goes by).

Tell you what; I’m in a good mood, so the first reader to email me and explain the full significance of this wonderful picture will get a free book.

UPDATE – We have a winner! Quite a few folks came close by pointing out that Asian Babes is a publication owned by media magnate and Labour party donor Richard Desmond, but Dave was first to recognise the lady on the front cover as Wendi Deng, wife of Rupert Murdoch.

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Date
20030114
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
08:26
The link to this image is doing well on Blogdex. I’ve also been sent copies of this same image by 5 different people in one morning. Not that that’s a bad thing, it just doesn’t have any nudity is all…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030114

Time
08:29
One of the finest news weblogs on the planet has just turned 5 years old. Happy Birthday to The Obscure Store.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030114

Time
08:31
Give a gift that keeps on boinking.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030114

Time
08:32
I’d better take it slow on these Tony Blair images, or I might end up like this poor soul.

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Date
20030114

Time
08:33
City Bans Smelly People From Buses. But smelly food is OK?

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Date
20030114

Time
08:35
Have you ever wondered how and when the U.S. policy of war on Iraq was set?

I must say, it’s refereshing to see an increasing amount of common sense filtering through the media at last. So, who’s marching in the anti-war protest in Washington this Saturday? (Erm, and would you like some naughty pictures of Bush and Blair for your protest banners?)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030114

Time
08:44
OK, I have to settle in in do a Tony picture. If you like, you can use this time to nominate Bloggerheads for the Photobloggies. Back soon.

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Date
20030114
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
10:55
Sorry that took so long. I had a number of page updates to do and needed to create a target page for the Blair Porn Project.

(Oh, I managed to sneak in some real work while I was about it, too.)

Our second image pretty much sums up the United Kingdom’s ‘special relationship’ with the United States.

Please note the inclusion of a nipple in keeping with our promise of steadily increasing naughtiness.

I should also note for the record that images will be created regularly, but not always daily. We want to give the poor folks at Downing St a chance to keep up, now don’t we?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030114

Time
11:54
Editor David Yelland ‘moves on’ from The Sun. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

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Date
20030114

Time
12:21
The Mirror newspaper is planning a Valentines Day stunt where two lucky readers will be married in editor Piers Morgan’s office. For this to happen legally (if not tastefully), The Mirror Group have had to apply for a licence to hold marriage services at this specific location.

Private Eye helpfully points out that the conditions of this licence state that the venue must be made ‘regularly available’ for civil marriages – which means that anyone resident in the UK (or Wales) can apply to get married there… but you’ll probably want to do so before February 14th, when the usefulness of this licence comes to an end and rejection is sure to follow.

If you’re planning on getting married in a civil ceremony soon and would like to hold it in this sumptuous office offering knockout views of London, then get your ducks in a row quick-smart and apply to the address below:

Piers Morgan

Editor’s Office

Daily Mirror

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London E14 2BG

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030115

Time
08:33
$5M kidnap foiled by culprits ordering pizza on their victim’s credit card.

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Date
20030115

Time
08:34
Enjoy some CatholicPro-LifeArt.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030115

Time
08:35
Teacher faces sack for demonstrating condom use on a banana. Unless he went on to fill a bra with two melons and sing Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend, I don’t have a problem with that.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030115

Time
08:37
Apparently, the folks of Soap Lake in eastern Washington state are planning on building the world’s largest lava lamp in an effort to attract tourists (here’s the news item and here’s the official site).

*Yawn*… Been there, done that.

Nevertheless, this sounds like a feat of human engineering to rival the legendary Golden Gate Tunnel….

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030115

Time
08:47
Another good reason to shop at local markets and charity stores.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030115

Time
08:48
“Hey kids! Eat more pork!”

That cute animated pig is really making me hungry for a bacon sandwich…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030115

Time
08:53
You want the truth? Avoid the newspapers. No surprises there. When you have fewer media owners in your country, it’s much easier to set your own agenda. Especially when one of the biggest owners is a cunt like Rupert Murdoch. There, I said it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030115

Time
08:58
Bloggerheads has been awash with lovely Japanese people since a link to The Star Wars Photoshopping Project appeared at this site and went on to spread to a large number of smaller Japanese weblogs. Quite gratifying, I must say. A lot of my ramblings have spread to Dutch and German sites, but this is the first time I’ve really cracked the language barrier.

(Just for the record, Billy Connolly may not trust the Japanese, but that’s OK… I no longer trust Billy Connolly.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030115

Time
09:05
Hey, look at that – Pete Townshend really has been researching.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030115
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
10:51


Yeeeeeeeeeeeee-hah!

Still relatively safe for work, but things are only going to get worse as time goes by.

Note to Downing St: Over 10,000 people saw these images yesterday, many of whom would have gone on to send copies to their friends. Perhaps you had best call before I’m forced to get the PM’s nadbags out…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030115

Time
11:58
This may sound strange, but for me the best part about getting a haircut is having your neck shaved.

Man, that feels good.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030115

Time
12:04
I’m still having trouble locating an Elvis impersonator in the London/Surrey area. Do keep an eye out for one, won’t you?

Oh, I’m also looking to collaborate with a band that can cover The Beatles, The Monkees and possibly even Neil Diamond. Is this you? Then get in touch.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030115

Time
12:31
Cool, we made The Inquirer. The write-up is superb, BTW. They’re not the first folks to be lost for words.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20030115

Time
12:35
Say, is anyone up for a quick beer? I have to dash into London to do some bits and bobs, and I’m supposed to meet an old friend at Azzuro’s (diagonally opposite the front entrance to Waterloo Station) later at 5, but I’ll probably finish up and reach there by 4pm or thereabouts. Drop by if you like. I’ll be the guy sitting and drinking alone (writing small scribbled notes about Star Wars).

Oh, it’s not far from Downing St, either – so if any of you folks from Tony’s office want to drop by and discuss this matter like gentlemen, you know where I’ll be…

15-29 December, 2002

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021215
Flash Games
Time
08:57
Here you are – go play in the snow.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021216
Flash Games
Time
08:42
You might recognise this Santa as the drunk chap on the roof, now he appears to be ski-jumping while under the influence. Professionals may wish to note the placement of the ‘vote for this at Lycos’ link. Votes don’t push you up the table, BTW. Table ranking at Lycos is determined by the number of views.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021216

Time
08:47
Bill Clinton is dating Demi Moore. Hang on, that can’t be true. Bill is married, isn’t he?

UPDATE – Bill’s attraction to Demi explained with a single image.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021216

Time
08:55
3,000 luxury cars parked at the bottom of the English Channel. I’m assuming they went down to refuel.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021216

Time
08:57
Lend a hand if you can: Operation Santa Claus

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021216
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:00
Google and its battle against evil. A fight worth fighting, but pity Sergey Brin, the poor man at the centre of it.

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Date
20021216

Time
09:02
A complete list of references to steenkin’ badges? We don’t need no complete list of references to steenkin’ badges!

(link via ultimateinsult.net)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021216

Time
09:04
Hospital guard charged with stealing winning lottery ticket from corpse.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021216

Time
09:06
Did the News Of The World set a ‘honey trap’ in an effort to pluck a strand of hair from Prince Harry’s head and therefore score a DNA sample? The cynic in me says no. In my mind, it’s far more likely that they’ve done this a number of times, and are actually after a ‘I shagged Harry/William’ story.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021216

Time
09:10
Baby Jesus kidnapped. Ransom note demands $800 in small bills.

Heh. The note was signed by by “Me, him and the other kid who was really scared and didn’t want to take your baby Jesus and the whole time all he did was say stuff like you’re going to hell, this isn’t right, stop.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021216

Time
09:13
Genitals, genitals, genitals!

What Every Man Should Know Before Having a Vasectomy and How To Use a Penis and/or Vagina.

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Date
20021216

Time
09:16
Here’s the post celebrating Bloggerheads’ 1st birthday, just in case you missed it.

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Date
20021216
Photoshopping
Time
11:25
There have been many, many requests for the Simpsons, but I’d didn’t want to do the standard Homer/Bart thing.

Oh, I found this fantastic collection of customised Simpsons action figures on my travels. Well worth a look.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021216

Time
15:36
The harassment of spam king Al Ralsky continues. Poor diddums. His mailbox is full of junk and now people are dropping by to look at his house. At least Ronald Scelson has had the good sense to keep quiet.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021217

Time
07:39
If you live in the U.S. and purchased a CD (or CDs) between 1995 and 2000, please read on. Everybody else, there’s no money in it for you, just the knowledge of one (very small) victory:

Maryland, 41 other states and three territories sued the distributors Bertlesmann Music Group, Inc., EMI Music Distribution, Warner-Elektra-Atlantic Corporation, Sony Music Entertainment, Inc., and Universal Music Group, and the retailers Transworld Entertainment Corporation, and Tower Records and Musicland Stores Corporation for violating antitrust laws. Working collectively to rip you off, in other words.

The suit alleged that the defendant distributors and retailers illegally conspired with one another to fix prices at which CDs could be sold to consumers. The illegal conspiracies allegedly grew out of the practice in the recorded music industry known as Minimum Advertised Price, or M.A.P., in which the distributors would pay for retailer’s advertising in local media, provided the retailers did not advertise CDs at a sale price below a minimum established by the distributor.

The defendants deny the allegations in the suit – but for some strange reason, they’ve settled to the tune of $143 million.



In typical music biz fashion, a portion of this will be paid in free CDs, but over $65 million is earmarked for consumers.

Here’s a press release showing you it’s legit.

Here’s where you can claim your share.

Oh, the defendants ‘have agreed to stop engaging in practices that led to artificially high retail prices for CDs’. Even though they didn’t do anything wrong in the first place… *cough*



UPDATE – There’s a beautiful Fark Thread on this subject. Some paranoia, some cheering, and a lot of cynicism. Best comment to date comes from a Farker who writes:

“I want to have a settlement too. I will send any music company that files a claim $20 for any music that I may have illegally downloaded since 1995. This is not an admission of guilt, just an out of court settlement.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021217

Time
07:45
Oh, FFS: Feng Shui for web designers.

Does pissing myself laughing count as a water feature?

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Date
20021217

Time
07:47
Bishkek’s best brothel announced. You may recognise the image with this story… I used it as the source image for Hamsterdam.

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Date
20021217

Time
07:51
A beautiful story on the Fark effect.

Look at info on Six Steps to Spiritual Revival (a book by Pat Robertson – founder and chairman of the Christian Broadcasting Network) and you’ll note recommendations for books on anal sex and assisted suicide. Someone wishes he would fuck off and die, in other words. Like this person.

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Date
20021217

Time
07:57
Be warned: Max Headroom may return. Bring on the BlipVerts!

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Date
20021217

Time
08:06
The multi-car/ship pile-up in the English Channel continues. They ought to get a traffic cop down there.

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Date
20021217
Photoshopping
Time
09:43
“Sorry Princess, I don’t know what happened to your message to Obi-Wan. Maybe in got… lost in the mail.”

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Date
20021217

Time
11:10
BBC report on Al Ralsky. Thanks, Tony.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021217
Photoshopping
Time
12:12
Here’s a sneaky-peek at the latest image – Young Frankenstein this time. We’re just about to head into the 6th page of the gallery.

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Date
20021218
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
08:30
This web-tailored multi-permission copyright notification system has received a pretty warm welcome. Perhaps it’s too early in the morning, but to me a it looks like a copyrighted version of copyright. I’ll probably stick with my old-fashioned ©, if that’s OK. It’s not just how people use my material, it’s who uses it that counts a lot as well. This being the case, I really would prefer that they got in touch and asked.

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Date
20021218

Time
08:34
Those cuddly Nigerians are at it again with a new scam involving counterfeit cheques. Read it in full, folks.

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Date
20021218
Flash Games
Time
08:39
Here’s a bunch of stick-figure games for you to enjoy. Mouse-control appears to be the key on these. Get clicking.

(link via ultimateinsult.net)

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Date
20021218

Time
08:42
After their baby died from pneumonia, Matthew and Rachel Hartnett figured they could do without monthly reminders of their tragic loss by mail, so asked Tesco to remove his name from their Baby and Toddler Club mailing list.

‘Fine,’ replied Tesco, ‘Just show us the death certificate and we’ll be happy to comply.’



Ed Rooney is alive and well and working for Tesco. Tell your friends. Actually, get a print-out first, then tell your friends… because they won’t believe this one without proof.

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Date
20021218

Time
08:50
Bestiality makes baby Jesus cry:

Man arrested for having sex with sheep in nativity scene.

What an idiot. He’s at least two months too late for the Turner prize.

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Date
20021218

Time
08:55
Santa has a weblog, and he sure is a grumpy old bastard.

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Date
20021218
Photoshopping
Time
08:56
I know this one is terribly obvious, but I slipped another little treat in for hardcore M*A*S*H fans on page 6 of the gallery. Enjoy.

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Date
20021218

Time
09:01
Pete Waterman and company seem to think that they’ve got the Christmas No. 1 wrapped up. Want to prove them wrong? Take action now.

What, are you still here? I said take action now!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021219

Time
08:34
Tesco continue a week of PR disasters by giving their employees a £1 Christmas bonus. They only made 1.2 billion last year, so times are tough.

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Date
20021219

Time
08:39
Paul McCartney has switched the writing credit from ‘Lennon-McCartney’ to ‘Paul McCartney and John Lennon’ on his latest album and Yoko is pretty pissed about it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021219

Time
08:39
The Temple of the Vampire is a real church for heartless bloodsuckers. Insert Tesco joke here.

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Date
20021219

Time
08:51
The 50 Most Loathsome People in America. Quite interesting that Tony Blair made the list, don’t you think?

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Date
20021219

Time
08:53
Chirac tells French to drive like the British. How many people died driving on the wrong side of the road before folks realised he was making a broad comment about civility?

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Date
20021219

Time
08:55
He did say he’d be back: watch the trailer for Terminator 3.

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Date
20021219

Time
08:56
Here’s some wonderful online Christmas cards that you can send to friends. They even let you write your own text, so you can send a message of peace, love and bollocks to enemies as well.

(link via funjunkie.co.uk)

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Date
20021219

Time
09:02
The Onion still has that distinctive flavour:

Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six

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Date
20021219

Time
09:04
Man goes into coma and dies after eating two kilograms of baklava on a bet. He won the bet, BTW.

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Date
20021219

Time
09:05
440 guinea pigs destroy home. Hmm, while we’re on the subject on overwhelming infestation, perhaps now is a good time to calculate the Body Mass Index of your houseflies. (Thanks to The Ultimate Insult for that last link.)

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Date
20021219
Photoshopping
Time
09:11
Ed Rooney strikes!

On my travels, I found this incredibly comprehensive collection of highlights from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Oh, and this collection of observations from Star Wars: A New Hope is equally huge and well worth a loooong visit. There you go, that’s your lunch break sorted – for today and tomorrow.

UPDATE – After posting this on B3ta, I discovered that Jeffrey ‘Ed Rooney’ Jones was arrested last month on charges of using a minor for sex acts and possession of child pornography. Ass. Mine. Etc.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021219

Time
09:42
Face of Jesus appears on ‘No Parking’ sign.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021219
Photoshopping
Time
10:19
The Star Wars gallery is now up to its 7th page, and there’s a cracker of an image starting it off for readers from the UK. The latest version of the screensaver has this and 29 other images, ready to float around your screen while you nip outside for a fag. Enjoy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021219

Time
16:14
“You gotta be shittin’ me Skywalker! Are you honestly telling me that you can’t give me one lousy pull-up?!”

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Date
20021219

Time
16:38
Nestle is demanding $6m in compensation from famine-stricken Ethiopia. Perhaps killing babies with breastmilk substitutes isn’t thinning out the third-world population quite as efficiently as they first thought.

Hmm, I’m looking for a word here that starts with C and ends with T, but can’t…

Can’t!

That’s it!

Nestle are a bunch of can’ts.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021220

Time
08:29
The U.S. military is seeking ways to help their soldiers do without sleep. How about lying awake wondering if today is the day you’re going to die? No? OK, mind-altering drugs it is, then.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021220

Time
08:32
The Japanese man who’s been stalking Britney Spears is an elite academic, is in his 40′s and still lives with his parents. It’s Comic Book Guy!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021220

Time
08:36
Man sentenced to 12 years for throwing dog from 23rd-floor balcony. But dangling babies is OK?

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Date
20021220

Time
08:38
Corn-fed beef may soon be a thing of the past. These Black Angus steers do just fine on leftover chips, nachos, pretzels, popcorn and cheese curls, a meal that we’ll all become familiar with over the coming week of morning afters.

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Date
20021220

Time
08:42
The dumbest crimes of 2002.

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Date
20021220

Time
08:45
For fans of The I Can Eat Glass Project:

How to say ‘Oh my god! There’s an axe in my head,’ in 102 languages.

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Date
20021220

Time
08:48
Finally, some small profits boost hopes for the future of e-commerce.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021220

Time
08:49
Prank victim eats bat-sandwich.

I’m sorry, but whenever I hear the words ‘bat-sandwich,’ I can’t help thinking of Adam West’s (alleged) comments to Burt Ward and collapsing into fits of giggles.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021220
Photoshopping
Time
08:55
Today, Private Pyle meets Private Pyle. This short Kubrick Season continues with 2001 on Page 7 of the gallery.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021220
Flash Games
Time
09:01
Ooh, they are quick:

See if you can park your ship in the English Channel without sinking too many tug boats.

While we’re on the subject of flash games and what not, I have about three-dozen Christmas-themed viral thingies stinking up my inbox. Do you guys want to see them, or does overkill ruin your seasonal goodwill?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021221

Time
07:21
Damn, now I’m starting to have dreams about that bloody picture. I honestly don’t know where this will end.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021222
Photoshopping
Time
09:19
The Mirror has won News Photograph of the Year for that picture. Editor Piers Morgan stepped down from the mount and up to the podium to ever-so-graciously give credit to creator Carl Baldwin, but the picture shouldn’t have been entered in the first place, and The Mirror certainly shouldn’t be accepting an award a picture they just took without asking and slapped onto the front page with their usual ‘hey, everything on the interwebnet is free’ arrogance. Is Carl Baldwin a member of staff? No. Is Carl Baldwin a regular freelancer for the paper? No. Was he paid for this front-page image? Well, he got a few inches of publicity the next day. No, in other words.

Will The Mirror rabbit on about how they won picture of the year without giving Carl any further mention? I suspect so.

Nice also that the 3am Girls won Showbusiness Reporter (what, are they all one person?) of the Year, especially as they’ve stolen not only some distinctive reporting techniques from Popbitch, but one hell of a lot of material as well.

Something’s got to be done about this. I’ll have a think about it when I’m done fuming.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021223

Time
09:10
Remember the bat-sandwich? The kid behind it faces charges. Oh, and the bat was raw.

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Date
20021223
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:12
Erm, and Daypop:

Coffee, Tea, or Should We Feel Your Pregnant Wife’s Breasts Before Throwing You in a Cell at the Airport and Then Lying About Why We Put You There?

This closes with a great little quotable, but I won’t ruin it for you by repeating it here.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021223

Time
09:16
I was reading the graphic novel Uncle Sam last night. It’s a great piece of work, but the earnest inclusion of this fake Lincoln quote ruined it a bit for me.

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Date
20021223

Time
09:20
A weighty but groovy article on copyright online that even spares a few words for fair use.

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Date
20021223
Flash Games
Time
09:21
How many girls can your perv on before getting busted by your girlfriend?

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Date
20021223

Time
09:22
Spam is killing off small ISPs. They’re collapsing under the weight of it.

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Date
20021223

Time
09:23
Lingerie Barbie is on the way. Still no joy when you strip the undies off, though. Perhaps there’s money to be made from little plastic merkins and paste-on peni…

Now wait a minute, that’s not a bad idea. Anybody here in the plastics industry?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021223

Time
09:26
The U.S. government is bending over forwards for big business again. They’ve just blocked a global deal to provide cheap drugs to poor countries, following ‘intense lobbying of the White House by America’s pharmaceutical giants.’

Well, they can’t be expected to give it away now can they? Besides, they need to save most of the hard stuff for the military.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021223

Time
09:30
Gay porn just got more dangerous; the 3D monitor is on its way.

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Date
20021223

Time
09:32
The bright sparks who force pop-ups into our lives no doubt think that making them more intrusive will improve their performance. Dickheads.

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Date
20021223

Time
09:35
Waytoomuchinformationaboutcaffeine!

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Date
20021224

Time
09:12
Police go undercover on nude beach. “Gosh Sarge, we’re in plain clothes but everyone still seems to know that we’re cops. Why is that?”

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Date
20021224

Time
09:14
Here’s a picture of the Lingerie Barbie we blogged yesterday.

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Date
20021224

Time
09:16
C’mon everybody, sing! What the world needs now…

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Date
20021224

Time
09:17
Weblogs influence the news. A Lott.

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Date
20021224

Time
09:18
Baby Jesus returned unharmed. The church has forgiven the kidnapper, who is now unlikely to face charges.

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Date
20021224

Time
09:20
Take a tour of Arlington, Massachusetts. It sucks, apparently.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021224
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:21
The death of Joe Strummer: 1, 2, 3, 4, and a tribute board.

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Date
20021224

Time
09:26
Jakob Nielsen’s Top Ten Web-Design Mistakes of 2002.

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Date
20021224

Time
09:27
Buying or selling a flight manual on ebay? Be prepared to be hassled by the feds.

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Date
20021224

Time
09:30
15-year-old lesbian sues over locker room ban.

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Date
20021224

Time
09:59
I was reading Joe Sacco’s classic Palestine last night. It’s worth reading in the current political climate. This popular Shin Bet joke is begging to be shared, too:

A CIA agent, a KGB agent, and a Shin Bet agent are walking by the woods. They see a rabbit running into the trees. The CIA agent dashes after it, and returns with the rabbit in less than 10 minutes. The KGB agent thinks he can do better, so they release the rabbit and the KGB agent gives chase. He returns triumphant in less than 5 minutes. The Shin Bet agent thinks he can do better, so the rabbit is released again. The Shin Bet agent disappears into the trees, but nothing is heard from him for 5 minutes. Then 10. Then 20. A full half-hour passes, and the two remaining agents decide to go and look for their friend.

They move cautiously into the trees, and begin to search the forest for the Shin Bet agent. They search and search.

Suddenly, they hear someone yelling and screaming, and run toward the sound with guns drawn. They enter a clearing to see the Shin Bet agent with a donkey that is tied to a tree. The Shin Bet agent is punching the donkey in the face again and again and screaming in its ear: “Admit you’re the rabbit! Admit you’re the rabbit!”

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Date
20021224

Time
12:13
The Corporations That Supplied Iraq’s Weapons Program. You are highly unlikely to see this list in an American newspaper.

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Date
20021224

Time
12:15
The Sheboygan Art Museum offers much more than first appears.

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Date
20021224

Time
12:52
OK, that’s about it from me until Friday. You still have time to buy me something nice, but rest assured that I’ll be spending tomorrow celebrating the birth of our saviour and the next day regretting the creation of a hangover. Here’s a swag of Christmassy viral mechanisms to keep you busy in the meantime:

Send a rancidass ecard, hunt a turkey, have a snowball fight, watch an offensive video, throw more snowballs, this time at celebrities, enjoy even more snow, go ski-jumping with Santa, help him to collect presents, listen to some Santa banter, then send an anonymous Christmas kiss.

Should be enough to keep you busy.

Make sure you cook that turkey properly, and don’t drive if you’ve been drinking.

Best singing voices at the ready people…

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday dear Jeeeeeeeesus,

Happy birthday to you!

Any many morrrrrrrrrre…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021227

Time
09:17
This is the first time I’ve really stopped in close to two years, and I’m beginning to enjoy it. I do believe I’m going to take a few more days off, just because I can. See you soon.

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Date
20021229

Time
13:02
Still on a break, but kind of busy getting my ducks in a row. I’ve started by letting on that one of them has been sneaking slugs on the side.

Bloggerheads – Year One

Ever since I arrived in this country, I have longed to drive your beautiful cars and make love to your expensive women.

No, wait… let me start again.

Ever since I arrived in this country, I’ve been neck-deep in the internet. This past year has been the best by far, both professionally and personally, and I owe it mostly to the publishing format known as weblogging.

While I’ve participated in some very large sites and run a few small sites of my own in the past, most of what I really had to say was broadcast into usenet and various web, chat and email communities. It’s a format you may be familiar with – quietly defining myself a paragraph at a time, sharing a few links, having a few laughs, and maybe even beating my chest when necessary.

It wasn’t until I started broadcasting on a central web-hosted channel that I could really bring this together with what I knew about search engine optimisation. The weblog format also allowed me to attract and hold an audience that appreciates the way I think (at the speed I think). In short, I could not only bring new people into an audience via established ideas, but also expose new ideas to an established audience. This advance in knowledge and ability is a significant highlight in my rise to the lofty heights of benevolent dictator.

So, enough about me, let’s crunch a few numbers and then talk about you for a bit.

In the past 365 days, I’ve made a total of 2,374 posts (not including this one). I’m kind of lazy about weekends, so we can pretty safely say that this indicates an average of 8-9 posts a day. Looking at the file sizes now, this amounts to 1.61MB of raw .TXT data. That’s a lot of typing. Probably a few spilling mistakes, too. Actually, I think I may be developing Advanced Computer-Induced Dyslexia. This seems to arise from a general reliance on spell-checkers and auto-complete functions, combined with constant interruptions to data entry by pop-up browser windows.

Moving swiftly back to the point, 762 photoshopped images were produced purely for my – and your – amusement. Again, taking the disgraceful wasteland of weekends into account, this gives us an average of 3 images a day. Most of these were broadcast into the messageboards at Fark or B3ta, but only about 1 in 5 turned up here. At least 2 new readers find us every day by searching for ‘bloggerheads’ or ‘bloggerheads.com’ after seeing one of these images. About a dozen or so are smart enough to simply type the URL.

Boy, bean counting is fun isn’t it? You’d best settle in, we’re about to tackle some big numbers…

As a result of general blogging and the dozen or so campaigns we ran over the last year, Bloggerheads attracted 101,302 unique visitors to the core weblog. (This does not include traffic numbers from the campaigns themselves, just visitors to the main weblog. The M*A*S*H Quiz alone has attracted over 45,000 visitors.)

89,837 weblog readers returned for more, and from here is gets a bit vague, but clearly and visibly whittles down… Roughly 1,000 turned into regular visitors, but only about 90 – the core faithful – visit every single day (usually at 9:30 or over lunch).

Erm, and I hear from about dozen of you. Sometimes.

You certainly are a quiet lot, but this is to be expected. Almost every weblog or online community has a large, hidden audience (even sites that run an anonymous comments feature).

You lovable lurkers, you. I give so much, but I hear so little. It breaks my heart. Tell you what, one-off deal, just between you and me, not a word to the tax-man; the first 3 long-time lurkers to get in touch by email after this post will receive by snail mail an autographed copy of my now-remaindered (and therefore highly collectible) book on marketing. I’ll even sign it with the swearword of your choice or draw a rude picture if you like.

Yep, gotcha. The point…

The production and ongoing broadcast of images, ideas, games, campaigns and the weblog content overall generated a total of 2,466 inbound links. Google can’t see them all, but it knows about a heck of a lot more than it lets on. It’s kind of like dark matter. You can’t see it via a PageRank or even a manual search, but I know from the way Bloggerheads behaves that it is there and it is working for me.

So, what have I done with my abilities in the dark art of search engine optimisation and the added power of weblogging?

Well, I’ve (hopefully) entertained and/or motivated over a quarter of a million people in one way or another. Along the way I’ve developed a system that will let any suitable organisation plug into positive customer behaviour and use that to attract new customers via search engines.

Starting out with some asshat who stole my Tags and Titles, I also found the time to administer some vital and highly visible clue-by-fours to a number of worthy individuals and/or organisations. The most popular campaign of this type was the thing we ran over spammer Ronald Scelson. (I like the way I worded that. It makes it sound like we mowed him down with a robust form of vehicular transport. Anyway, this was the most-visited page of the year.)

Together we also located Mustard Man, but in the end failed to find him a date. Despite the fact that for 6 clear weeks he was the top search result for ‘find a man’ in Google.

What tickles me most, however, is that I actually managed to get a parliamentary question tabled – and an answer from Tony Blair.

Oh, and I started my own religion. No biggie.

Still no email address for Tony, though – and that spammer is still spamming. I made the shortlist for Best British Blog, but didn’t pull ahead to break the tape. I also didn’t quite manage to make the front page of a broadsheet, finish my first novel, write a top ten single or successfully engage my universal micropayment solution.

Next year, folks. Next year.

01-14 December, 2002

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Date
20021201

Time
08:42
He’s only 14, so I should cut him some slack.

(No. Can’t control myself, sorry.)

Is people this stupid all over big world?

BTW, I’m not entirely happy with Huntington Life Sciences myself. I also have a small problem with child molesters/murderers/managers, but the mobs that bay for their blood scare me. Same goes for some of these animal rights campaigners – especially those who campaign in the High Street with very upsetting posters showing all manner of mutilated animals.

Fine, the animals don’t deserve to be assaulted – but then, neither do my kids.

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Date
20021202
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
07:43
Good morning pop-pickers! With a prize-winning 60 links, it’s linkandthink.org at No. 1 – for reasons that should be obvious.

You’ll also notice a bunch of commercial links lurking at the bottom, because a bunch of weblogs have died and been taken over by LinkVista. I won’t bother doing a whole report on this one. You’ll just have to take my word for it, or read my report from last time.

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Date
20021202
Christianity Watch
Time
07:49
Look out Bibleman, there’s a new Christian superhero on the block. There’s a lot I could say about Armorman, but I feel this short cut-and-paste from the site says it all:

Q. What can we do to help you?

A.

1) Pray for us . Wisdom, ect…
(sic)

2) Pray more

Oh, it also goes on to request that I:

3) Share the web site with your e-mail friends and tell your youth leaders

Done and done.

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Date
20021202
OK, So I’m a Lego Geek
Time
07:59
OMG, it’s the Lego USS Enterprise. Don’t get too excited – it’s only the TNG version.

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Date
20021202

Time
08:06
I don’t know what you’re complaining about. Everybody does it. Erm, it’s just that not everybody takes it out, has a good look at it, then eats it.

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Date
20021202

Time
09:37
Here are the technical readouts of the Death Star battle station. You might want to study them for a weak spot. My advice would be to go for the main reactor – that always seems to work.

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Date
20021202

Time
11:12
We’re repeating this image today especially for all the folks who are dropping by via Google, desperate for information about the Posh/Becks rumour.

OK, here’s what you need to know:

1. It’s not true

2. See No. 1

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Date
20021202

Time
12:37
Mike Wiley is a self-confessed ‘Road Geek’. His website at ylekot.com includes many, many pictures of roads and road signs. BTW, ‘ylekot’ is not only his domain name, it’s also his personalised numberplate. What does it stand for? Well, Mike helpfully tells us that ‘if you say the individual letters (Y-L-E-K-O-T) you will phonetically say my nickname.’

You’ll work it out…

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Date
20021202

Time
15:46
And they’re still coming. Man, you should see the traffic stats showing people who are here purely for the Posh/Becks gossip.

‘Hello’ if this includes you, by the way.

Sorry, we don’t have that rumour published here any more (though there may be mention of it in the archive).

We do, however, have details of the latest rumour about Charlotte Church and one of Princess Anne’s bull terriers.

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Date
20021203

Time
09:26
More really bad comics, this time with a 119 flavour. She’s a top-heavy site, but the trailers are well worth viewing.

Oh, BTW, a a French author has claimed that the Sept. 11 attacks were faked ‘to promote a U.S. military agenda that included waging war in Afghanistan.’

He’s actually planning a a promotional tour in the States. Should be worth keeping tabs on.

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Date
20021203

Time
09:32
Do clowns scare you? You’re not alone.

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Date
20021203
Classics
Time
09:35
Legodeath.com hasn’t expanded much since we first blogged it, but it’s still worth revisiting.

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Date
20021203

Time
09:38
Several Australian kindergartens have banned Santa Claus this Christmas for fear that he may offend minority groups.

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Date
20021203

Time
09:40
Here’s a copy of that banned 2DTV ad we mentioned last Thursday.

(Links directly to MPG file. Link via ultimateinsult.net)

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Date
20021203

Time
09:42
This pen tablet pc link is mostly for my reference. You may as well ignore it.

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Date
20021203

Time
09:43
Wal-mart don’t like bare human breasts and think that blood is green. Do we need further proof that they’re a strange and mysterious cult linked to the shape-shifting aliens?

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Date
20021203

Time
09:45
Here’s the shortlist of Saddam Hussein’s favourite torture techniques and here’s the full report on crime and human rights abuses released by the Foreign & Commonwealth Office (PDF format).

This should win a few hearts and minds. Looks like we’re gearing up for the big one. Time to review a few security measures, methinks.

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Date
20021203

Time
09:50
Enjoy this list of Top Ten Rejected Jedi Force Powers.

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Date
20021203
Flash Games
Time
09:51
A very difficult ski jump game (via funjunkie.co.uk).

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Date
20021203

Time
09:53
The 3rd Annual 20 Worst People, Places, And Things On The Internet For 2002.

I failed to make the list again, but the shallow end of the pool that is Blogger.com does rate a mention.

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Date
20021203

Time
09:55
$165 million lottery winner still plays the lottery.

I’ve got to stop reporting stories like this one. It’s not healthy.

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Date
20021203

Time
09:58
And I thought Alan Funt was a bastard…

Fox takes reality TV to a new low.

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Date
20021203

Time
13:19
Hooray for the return of Daypop. We’ll just see how she holds up before we think about reinstatement on the nav bar.

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Date
20021203

Time
17:30
The developer of x-blog (one Adrian J. Frost) seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. Too bad, really, because I like his product and I’d like to keep using it – but I have a question or two that I’d like to ask first.

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Date
20021204
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:38
Oh, not much really. Just a little justified paranoia.

Oh, this is performing quite well, too:

You are under my power. Do not try to resist. Ignore the man behind the picture frame.

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Date
20021204

Time
09:42
A Californian company is selling tickets to heaven for $15 (plus a $4.95 shipping and handling fee). It took me a while (their SEO is really quite pathetic), but I eventually found their website so you could take the time to read the all-important disclaimer.

My advice? Don’t buy tickets from scalpers. Contact your local authorised House of God instead. All they want is your soul.

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Date
20021204

Time
09:47
Michael Jackson on crutches after being bitten by spider. Was it a rock spider by any chance?

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Date
20021204

Time
09:49
A group of Australia women plan to plan to break the drought by doing a naked rain dance. No cameras will be present.

Well, they won’t get far with that attitude.

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Date
20021204

Time
09:51
Here’s a nice little write-up on that Barbie weblog we mentioned last week. Hits the nail on the head.

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Date
20021204
Posh, Becks and Popbitch
Time
09:54
Hehehehe. I’m still laughing about it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021204

Time
09:58
Man fined $100,000 over snuff film website.

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Date
20021204

Time
10:00
This Engrish ‘Earth run by aliens’ site is jam-packed with paranoia and bad grammar.

This is far more lucid, but no less entertaining:

UFOs found in 15th century paintings.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021204
Classifieds
Time
11:14
WANTED: Illustrator for children’s book. Must be able to draw bunnies, hamsters, and frightened humans. Emails to the usual address.

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Date
20021204

Time
13:41
It’s just gone live if you want to take a peek:

I’ve put all those ‘same’ images from Star Wars in the one place and I’m even working on more. No, you can’t stop me.

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Date
20021204

Time
13:54
Well, well, lookie here:

MAD magazine gets in on the Photoshopping/seeding game.

Quite a respectable effort, too. The credits are wonderful, and Spiro Agnew isn’t mentioned once.

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Date
20021204

Time
14:34
Man, this guy must really like Snoopy.

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Date
20021204

Time
16:40
Well, it’s that time of year again. Time to make your nominations for the Bloggies.

You know who to mention. Get to it. Erm, but don’t let me influence you or anything…

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Date
20021205

Time
08:18
Keep those troops coming, boys…

Mobsters smuggle sperm out of prison to impregnate their wives.

(I had a joke about chipmunks here, but it was too distasteful.)

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Date
20021205

Time
08:21
How Dickensian! Mum & Dad wanted to relax with a few drinks with friends, so they strapped the kids into their car seats and dumped them in front of a space heater in the attic. Did they cook to death? No, but the rats gave them a good seeing-to.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021205
Flash Games
Time
08:25
We blogged this last year, but it’s still fun: Sober Santa.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021205

Time
08:26
Michael Jackson tells upstart attorney to ‘go to hell.’

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021205

Time
08:29
A Dutch student has been busted at a Canadian airport with over 3,500 Viagra pills. At first he claimed they were for his own personal use. Some quick mental arithmetic followed before he decided that he actually had smuggled them in so he could give them away to strangers.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021205

Time
08:32
Story. Of. The. Year.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021205

Time
08:55
The U.S. military is using high school databases for recruitment purposes. Presumably they want to nab students before they reach college and become idealists.

On a similar note, Kids in Combat is a website from Good News Ministries that comes with a dire warning on the main entry page:

“Before you click on the spinning “R”, remember it is “R” RATED. You may have to ask permission from your parents. WHY? Because it is not for kids that are weak, wimpy and easily scared! It’s not for kids that fool around at church and just play games all the time.”

The ‘R’, by the way, stands for ‘radical’ (dude).

The sophistication of Christian recruitment methods never fails to amaze me.

They should just advertise the lifestyle of cocaine, porn and sex and be done with it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021205

Time
09:00
Amazing new cat door uses image recognition to stop dead animals being brought into the house. Calm down, it’s still in development.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021205
Photoshopping
Time
10:20
The interim Star Wars gallery continues to expand.

No, I have no plans to stop just yet.

(Oh, if you don’t know who these two people are are, then do yourself a favour and discover the joys of Red Dwarf.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021205
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
14:00
OK, folks. We’ve just shifted into high gear on the Tony Blair campaign. We heard from quite a few people wanting to take part in our proposed mass-deletion, so we’re having an auction to see who gets to push the button.

All proceeds go to Oxfam’s Ethiopia Appeal.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021205
Photoshopping
Time
17:21
The Star Wars gallery has grown again. This one features the cast of ‘Ghost’. Don’t show it to your girlfriend, or you’ll find yourself hiring the video tonight, you mark my words.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021205

Time
17:32
Bear mauls baby Jesus. Now there’s a headline!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021206
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
10:32
A busy day with little bloggage, as happens from time to time.

I do have a few moments to rattle out the following, though:

1. Ebay is has been down for scheduled maintenance this morning, and will remain down for at least another half-hour.

2. Thanks to the anonymous individual who emailed me a list of parliament email addresses. Yes, I know how the system works and that the standardised naming hierarchy makes it easy to work out what should be the address for Tony – but it’s the only one on the list that doesn’t work. All emails to this address are currently vaporised on arrival.

3. Kevin Marks has chipped in with a very good email-to-fax solution. It’s far from ideal, but I think I know just how to use this information for the greater good. I’ll get back to you.

Busy, busy, busy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021206

Time
14:48
I found this nifty Java game when looking for ‘Cheers’ pictures: Cliffie the Mailman.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021206

Time
14:52
Wow, look at these, like, totally famous members of the Chi Omega Psi Kappa Chapter.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021206

Time
17:04
Remember the fun we had a while ago with spam-king Ronald Scelson? Well, it looks like we may have started a very healthy trend.



Thanks to Rod for the heads-up.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021207
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
08:58
Bloody hell. You can even email Alexander Lukashenko, the President of the Republic of Belarus. This is getting ridiculous.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021207

Time
09:07
Cool. Someone met Mustard Man in a class visit. This thread also contains comments from Mustard Man’s earliest adopter.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021207

Time
16:49
Wal-Mart shows us the true meaning of Christmas.

Like Dr Frankenstein and his most famous creation, there’s a lot of confusion about Wal-Mart. Y’see, Wal-Mart isn’t a monster; Wal-Mart simply creates the monsters.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021207

Time
16:53
Multidenominational absolution can be yours for the rock bottom price of two American dollars at payforyoursins.com!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021208

Time
10:04
Are people really this stupid? Two more bright sparks, Kylie and Lucy, have left a message for Tony Blair in the ‘comments’ section of the campaign listing at the Weblog Action Centre. Kylie and Lucy have a problems with foreigners being let into the country, apparently ‘they are laughing at us!’

No, darlings, we are laughing at you.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021208

Time
10:11
Suicide mistaken for performance art.

This would be a better story if it involved a mime. Not funnier… just better.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021209

Time
08:32
How many times have I told you kids to stay out of my darn yard?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021209

Time
08:34
Bombs hit cinemas in Bangladesh. Insert tasteless Madonna/Ritchie joke here.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021209
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
08:36
Some guy has had too much of the WWJD? thing. The straw that broke the camel’s back was the question:

“What Would Jesus Drive?”

I don’t know for sure, but the answer to this question may lie in the greatest band name ever: God Drives A Galaxy.

Also charting well, some other chap is using Fed-ex’s delivery tracking to trace Santa’s actual location.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021209

Time
08:42
Nobilis Software has laid off poor old Scott from ultimateinsult.net two weeks before Christmas – without notice and without a penny of severance pay.

Boo, hiss!

Reach out and touch a Scrooge. Send your letter of complaint today.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021209

Time
08:49
Fatal shooting sparked by argument over last beer in fridge. There’s a XXXX ad in there somewhere…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021209
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
08:52
Well, the traffic is healthy at the main page, but I’m very disappointed with the actual bidding. C’mon guys, it’s for charideeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021209

Time
09:16
Good news. Barbara has finally come to terms with her name.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021209
Photoshopping
Time
15:58
The interim Star Wars gallery continues to grow unchecked. I cannot be stopped.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021210

Time
09:08
Popdex. Looks like Blogdex. Tastes like chicken.

Oh, and another commercial link has topped the chart, this time because Tripod seems to have shoehorned this standard text link in under the compulsory banner.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021210

Time
09:14
An intriguing technical problem. Send it to your admin and make his day.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021210

Time
09:16
Baby takes radio station off the air.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021210

Time
09:18
Man sentenced to 37 months for joke about ‘burning Bush.’ Dare I comment on lost perspective from a distance? OK, how about this..

Granny frisked at airport as part of terrorist search. The three men next to her (kitted out in militia-style camouflage, no less) where whisked straight through.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021210

Time
09:25
TinkleToonz… the musical potty that makes toilet training your child fun. I can barely contain my excitement.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021210

Time
09:27
It’s raining in Sydney and there’s more on the way. Hallelujah!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021210
Classifieds
Time
09:32
WANTED: Professional Elvis Impersonator in London/Surrey area. Must posses own sense of humour.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021210
Photoshopping
Time
11:11
Hey, how about that? Two Dicks for the price of one…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021210

Time
12:36
Blogging the progress of a burgeoning beard.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021210

Time
13:01
Volvo ‘humour’. The lights are on, but nobody’s home.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021211
Flash Games
Time
08:28
Another game featuring Michael Jackson throwing babies. This one is awfully pretty.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021211

Time
08:30
As The Ultimate Insult notes, the Memory Hole is well worth repeat visits. The U.S. government has been cleaning up references to Operation TIPS and unflattering images of Henry Kissinger, but the best example of Internet censorship this week is CNN spiking its own story about people complaining that it spikes stories.

Well, they do have limited server capacity, and obviously they needed to make room for this story about a dentist who climbed a tree to fix a protester’s molar.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021211
Christianity Watch
Time
08:35
Upgrade to Jesus 1.0 (also available as Yeshua 1.0).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021211

Time
08:40
Dateline Uganda: Reward offered for capture of minor deity.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021211

Time
08:41
Some rather brave students want Iran to move into the 21st century ‘with the rest of the world.’ The UK is no doubt lined up to go in after them.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021211

Time
08:46
Woman shoots husband after finding porn video under their bed. It’s his own damn fault for using the most obvious hiding place in the world.

Factoid #1: People who hide porn under the bed are 67% more likely to use the word ‘password’ as their password.

Factoid #2: If you ever ask me around to your place, do not allow me upstairs, because the first thing I’ll do is peek under your mattress.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021211

Time
08:52
Britney Spears has a Japanese stalker. Well, she does insist on wearing those school uniforms…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021211

Time
08:53
Cops bust another drive-through drug dealership. It was Burger King this time. Last time it was Wendy’s (if memory serves). There hasn’t been a bust at McDonalds because their staff are mostly from another planet and as such enjoy diplomatic immunity.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021211
Videos, Etc.
Time
09:20
Never mind the foreplay, get to the stuffing! (Links to 4MB .WMV file.)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021211
Photoshopping
Time
10:43


A little bit of politics has just crept into page 3 of the Star Wars gallery.

(Oh, and here’s a large version of this pic just in case you feel like changing desktops today…)

You know, after I made my offer to help Downing St sort out the whole email problem, my stats clearly showed someone from their office going through this site with a fine tooth comb. They obviously decided I wasn’t trustworthy enough to take on this responsibility, as a refusal of my kind offer soon followed.

I wasn’t offended… until now, that is.

BTW, there’s only 26 hours left on the auction to delete Tony Blair’s email. Only one bid so far, too. Get your act together, people…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021211

Time
17:05
In a few days, Bloggerheads is going to celebrate its first year online. I’m thinking of knocking together a bit of a CD Annual to mark the occasion, and already have some bits and bobs made up – but if you want to request anything in particular on the CD (like your favourite image as a desktop or screensaver) then now is the time.

Oh, and I’m still looking for an Elvis impersonator in Surrey…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021212
Repeat Post
Time
08:51
In a couple of days, Bloggerheads is going to celebrate its first year online. I’m thinking of knocking together a bit of a CD Annual to mark the occasion, and already have some bits and bobs made up – but if you want to request anything in particular on the CD (like your favourite image as a desktop or screensaver) then now is the time.

Oh, and I’m still looking for an Elvis impersonator in Surrey…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021212

Time
08:52
Santa is dead! No, wait… Santa is Jewish! No, wait… Santa abuses children! No, wait…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021212
New From Google
Time
08:56
The most popular search words of 2002 (well, most of it, anyway) and a new Google gadget.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021212

Time
09:00
4-year-old girl gives teacher $5 bag of marijuana. Now that’s a nice holiday gift for teacher. It might even help her to get through all those damn apples.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021212
Flash Games
Time
09:03
Belter is exactly like Asteroids, but looks much, much prettier.

(link via ultimateinsult.net)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021212

Time
09:05
Developer plans to introduce charging system for spammers and telemarketers. Don’t hold your breath; the proposed program relies on the introduction of entirely new systems and protocols. Not likely. Besides, this still wouldn’t help much. The bulk of spam comes from recruited affiliates who decide to try it ‘just the once.’

This idea, as clever as it is, is like trying to catch fly posters in the act. This rarely solves the problem, but once local councils start fining the nightclubs, artists and record labels involved, well…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021212
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:16
America is experiencing techincal difficulties. Please stand by.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021212

Time
09:17
There aren’t just naked people at clothesfree.com, there’s news that Robbie Williams performed tracks from the new Escapology album while naked and screensavers featuring people that run across your screen, erm, while naked and…

OK, so the site is full of naked people. Lots of them. They even link to a Nudist Casino (which appears to be just like any other online casino, you just take your pants off before you lose your shirt).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021212
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
09:41
Only 4 hours to go on the auction to delete Tony Blair’s email. Bidding has finally taken off, and currently stands at £62. We’ll feed those starving kiddies yet…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021212

Time
12:44
The Star Wars gallery is just about to spill over onto a 4th page. This is the final image for Page 3.

His name is John Leslie, just in case you’re asking. Look him up by all means… erm, but don’t tell Michael that I told you to, he has a history of going straight for the balls.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021212
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
13:55
The auction is over and the right to delete over 8MB of Tony Blair’s email has been won for £62.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021212
Flash Games
Time
18:23
I’ve just received word that Crackermatic 2 may not eventuate this Christmas. Instead, the clever chaps at the Dial Media Group have come up with Reindeer Training School. I don’t have time to test it out right now (I have to go and do the Daddy thing), but I’ll have a play with it tomorrow morning and let you know how I get on.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021213

Time
07:30
Damn. Sudden illness strikes and I must attend. All I have for you right now is this collection of three bears. You need to be a citizen of the world to know who they all are.

BTW, Sooty not only digs being fisted all day long, he’s into amyl nitrate, too.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021213

Time
11:11
Next time someone tells you to go to hell, feel free to use any one of these handy entrances.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021213

Time
15:37
The best images from the Star Wars Photoshopping Project are now available as a random image screensaver.

Heh. Yeah, I thought you’d like that.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021214
Worst. Spam. Ever.
Time
09:01
Did anyone else get this?

Hi

Its been proposted to me by a indian company few days ago for 100$ to make design, job; matrimonial penpal databases, chat, but finally he said is difficult mantain the thing, so he said can can do the web design, and i am not interested only on that, what about you?

I don’t want copyrigths things, that for make clear.

Thanks

Abdullatif

Oh, and the spam brigade have given up on trying to sell me a longer penis. The latest offers all seem to be about increased thickness. Next, I’m sure they’ll get onto the need for healthier, more lustrous pubic hair.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021214

Time
14:49
Thank Dog for Popjustice. Without them, I wouldn’t have known that Fame Academy is finally over. Man, that show sucked up a lot of airtime (but I still managed to avoid seeing any of it).

The justintimberlake.co.uk story is also worth a read. Go look.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Date
20021214

Time
22:18
So, Johnny Vegas. Will the ruling be:

A – drunken outburst

B – comedy genius

or

C – desperate plea for attention

Well, it all depends on who his PR chap has been lunching with…

17-30 November, 2002

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021117

Time
08:18
Have you noticed that most spam gets sent at weekends? What does this tell you?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021118
Christianity Watch
Time
08:52
The ever-progressive Church of England (aka Catholicism Lite) has given the go-ahead for ‘raves in the nave’. Gives a whole new meaning to ‘big fish, little fish…’ don’t you think?

Oh, and Jesus Christ is back, but there’s no need to look busy just yet. Currently he’s being distracted by some minor hosting problems.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021118

Time
08:59
I’m amazed that there isn’t a copy of this fine album in my record collection. I must be slacking.

(Link via ultimateinsult.net)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021118

Time
09:01
There’s a nice meteor storm due tomorrow. No doubt it will be overcast here and we’ll miss out (again), but if you want to watch a minor cosmic spectacle, possibly go blind and end up wandering the streets only to be picked off by vicious Triffids, then here are the peak viewing times in your neck of the woods.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021118

Time
09:05
Cool. Bloggerheads is available in China.

Check here to see if your website has been filtered (i.e. censored) yet.

Oh, and if you are reading this from China, please allow me to take this opportunity to say that your government is tr*

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021118

Time
09:11
All 22,000 copies of the phone book for the University of Texas have been recalled because there are two ads for strip clubs on the back page.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021118

Time
09:12
A guy on ebay asked for a buyer to loan him ‘$60 til next Friday’. The auction went through and he got his $60.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021118

Time
09:15
The French are claiming that they invented cricket again.

The first documented reference to the game of cricket as we know it was made just outside of Guildford, Surrey (just down the road) but they shouldn’t let that stop them.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021118

Time
09:18
Famous People who have Ridden in my Taxi.

Well, not my taxi. The taxi of the guy who runs this website. No, not this website, the website I linked to just now. Oh, you know what I mean…

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Date
20021118

Time
11:05
For the last three years, the Surrey Fire & Rescue Service has run a fire-safety awareness competition aimed at 10 and 11-year-olds. This year’s theme includes the following challenge:

Write a front page newspaper article about an incident involving Surrey Fire & Rescue Service.

Oops. No prizes for guessing which topic is sure to dominate the entries.

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Date
20021118

Time
16:45
Now I’ve seen everything. A pop-up (at Guardian online) advertising a campaign case study.

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Date
20021119

Time
09:46
Hi everyone. Sorry I’m late. I woke up in the early hours this morning to watch the meteor shower. The cloud bank that was in place at about 3:30am cleared away almost completely by 4:00am, and we were treated to one hell of a show. There were long ones, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, but – sadly – none that squiggled and squirmed.

Just for the record, all of the plants seem to be behaving themselves and I woke up this morning with 20/20 vision – but my neck hurts.

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Date
20021119

Time
09:49
Dog bless the Web Archive. Here’s a very large collection of movies, archived for your education, pleasure and amusement.

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Date
20021119

Time
09:52
Woman imprisoned for not paying overdue book fine.

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Date
20021119

Time
09:59
This story is incredibly tragic, but I dare you to try to and get through it without stifling a giggle at least once:

Paul and Valerie Jungck had a baby.

Being devout Christians, they named him Zion.

At age 2, he died.

A filing cabinet fell on him.

They had him embalmed, but didn’t buy a tot-coffin straight away.

They were busy praying for his resurrection so didn’t want to order a casket, just in case.

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Date
20021119

Time
10:14
Fox Exec says:

“Stealing’s bad. Stop doing it.”

Now he wants our help to stop piracy. I’m sorry, but he’s already put me offside by assuming that I’m a pirate. Oh, and his boss is an arsehole.

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Date
20021119

Time
10:17
Hmm. I could swear that I’ve blogged www.survive2012.com before but, as a few of you may not be aware that we have less than a decade left on this planet (or at least, in human form on this planet), I really must risk reblogging for your sake. You’re welcome.

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Date
20021119
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
10:21
From Stanford Web Credibility Research comes

10 guidelines for building the credibility of a web site.

Tony, please take note of Guideline 5:

Make it easy to contact you.

‘A simple way to boost your site’s credibility is by making your contact information clear: phone number, physical address, and email address.’

Shall we stop for a brief deletion?

Oooh, a juicy one a Wales TUC Cymru Research Officer. We hear from some of the same nutters, and he’s just announced to everyone, including (he thinks) Tony Blair, that he’s trying to get his e-mails screened, ‘to remove this person from sending me stuff.’

Wow. Big problem. I hope he doesn’t hurt his head trying to figure that one out.

*delete*

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Date
20021119

Time
10:34
Well, there it is: 10:34 and our youngest child has officially been on the loose on this great planet for a full 12 months.

Happy Birthday, griglet!

It should be stated for the record that this little one has a wonderful nature, is always ready with a smile, and can be reduced to fits of giggles at the drop of a hat. Of course, she is drunk out of her mind most of the time.

As you can probably tell from this photo, we keep her locked up in a darkened room – but this is for her own good, and helps keep her hangovers down to a dull roar.

(BTW, this excellent pic was by B3tan TooMuch2AM…)

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Date
20021119

Time
10:43
Now here’s an E-ticket ride waiting to happen:

Over 200 WWII bombs dug up at Hong Kong Disney site.

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Date
20021119

Time
10:45
Here’s a newsflash for you:

‘…in this country – England, that is – we cling grotesquely to the certain belief that we are a major power in world sport and we just won’t learn we are not.’

We are, it must be said, also quite good at teaching a country a new sport and then promptly being beaten at it by that same country.

Of course, I use the term ‘we’ loosely. I’m not sure if I qualify as being English. And I couldn’t care less about sport.

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Date
20021120

Time
08:36
It looks like Daypop (announced as being ‘down for a few days’ a few weeks ago) may have to be dropped from the nav bar. Hey, I held out for as long as I could, but I think it may be time to finally pull the plug.

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Date
20021120
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
08:44
Spam is killing email. The most enlightened comment so far has been: ‘Duh!’

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Date
20021120

Time
08:52
Michael Jackson dangles baby from hotel window (includes video footage). Is he going to use the ‘we were just playing’ defence again, or was Uri Geller in the background using a standard levitation spell?

1. The baby is white.

2. The baby is bagged and tagged like a terrorist suspect!

3. Did he really almost drop the baby? It certainly looks like it.

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Date
20021120
Christianity Watch
Time
08:57
Desecration Digest is a new online magazine ‘exposing the demons enslaving this world’ . My favourite article so far is See How Legalized Abortion Encourages Psychopaths. I wonder if he’s ever seen the film Basketcase?

(Link via ultimateinsult.net)

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Date
20021120

Time
09:04
Learn to become a Ninja in the comfort of your own home via this excellent home study program.

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Date
20021120

Time
09:07
57 gnome hostages discovered in 16-year-old’s garage.

Police managed to rescue them without killing a single one.

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Date
20021120

Time
09:15
Take the Hoax Photo Test. I got 19 out of 20. Nyer.

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Date
20021120

Time
10:05
In Australia, there are four primary kinds of place names:

Firstly, there’s the ‘Does What It Says On The Tin’ name. For example, Stoney Creek Road goes past a waterway with a few rocks in it. Similarly, the Pacific Highway idles past a somewhat larger body of water that most of us are familiar with. I shouldn’t really have to explain what the Blue Mountains are all about.

Secondly, there’s the ‘It Reminds Me Of Home – A Bit’ name. This includes many examples of false advertising, including the patently ridiculous New South Wales.

Thirdly, there are many, many places that are named after the white guy who ‘discovered’, built, or funded structures in (or expeditions to) the place in question. Until recently, Uluru was named Ayers Rock. Not after the white bloke whose major contribution was going for a walk and identifying a very large object that had been there for millions of years mind you, but the South Australian premier Sir Henry Ayers, who he was no doubt trying to suck up to at the time. This is a common variation on this theme that includes many names in tribute to folks who were dead famous, or just dead. The state of Victoria springs to mind, but on a less grandiose level, it should also be mentioned that there’s a swimming pool named after former Prime Minister Harold Holt. Who drowned.

Fourthdiddly, and finally, there’s the Aboriginal place name (or bastardisation thereof). This has given us place names such as Parramatta (which means ‘place where the eels lie’) and Woolloomooloo (which roughly translates as ‘temporary home of many a drunken sailor’, or so I’m led to believe).

It’s this last form of place name that’s causing a minor stink at home, after an Aboriginal group has proposed that local councils pay for the right to use/assign these names.

Thousands of place names (and millions of dollars) would be involved.

I have a feeling that local councillors will soon be scanning these towns and streets for identifying landmarks, aspects that remind them of some obscure town in Europe, or records of dead/famous/white people that may have lived or passed through there.

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Date
20021120
A Reader Writes…
Time
11:26
I just wanted to say that your site has had me in fits of laughter for hours. I’m going to stick it on my links page (or rather my researcher is because obviously I’m internet illiterate…being an MP and all).

Tom Watson – MP for West Bromwich East

Huzzah for Tom! I’ve had a peek at his site (yes, I’ve warned him about the evils of frames) and he looks to be one of the good ones. Perhaps he might even care to question his glorious leader on the small matter of accessibility. We shall see.

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Date
20021120
Photoshopping
Time
11:56
Sorry, it just had to be done.

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Date
20021120
Flash Thingies
Time
13:11
This is wonderful beyond description.

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Date
20021120
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
17:34
An email on a subject close to my heart arrived today. In fact, I barely have the heart to delete it – but delete it I must.

It’s from an American, whose daughter is married to a British businessman. Her life is made a misery by her train commute (she has to travel 3 days a week, the poor dear) but her husband has replied calmly that the service sucks because of privatisation and nothing can be done.

His father-in-law quite rightly points out in this email that Amtrak is privately owned, but still manages to run to some sort of timetable (even if water unexpectedly falls from the sky) and asks just what the hell is going on over here.

I can understand his frustration. A ‘simple’ run to and from London via South West Trains damn near killed me from sheer exhaustion and yes, what these companies get away with beggars belief.

I think the secret lies somewhere in the husband’s reaction, which reeks of meek acceptance. Excuses are made, blame is shifted, and soon people are given something else to worry about. It’s very rare that someone will actually stand up and demand to see a head on a stick (unless they’re told to do so by a tabloid newspaper).

At least this man has taken action and shown us the moxy that has made the U.S. famous… erm, by sending his complaint to me.

*delete*

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Date
20021121
Flash Music Video
Time
09:19
It’s choppy, it’s amatuerish, but dammit it’s got charm:

We Didn’t Start The Fire

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Date
20021121

Time
09:21
The Ultimate Insult notes that many of its readers are from the UK. This site (from the UK) gets most of its readers from the United States. I knew there was some kind of weird synergy at work. Anyways, this was a nice link, and I’ll be hammering my connection accessing the bulk of it later today: a fine collection of opening credits from UK TV shows.

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Date
20021121

Time
09:26
Proof that politicians will say anything to get their way. Nevada’s recent pot legalization proposal took a nose-dive – primarily because this twit was running around claiming that the marijuana we have today is 30 times more powerful than it was in the 70′s. If only. Still, it was enough to wipe out much of the ‘I smoked it and it never did me any harm’ vote. A job well done, then.

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Date
20021121
LOTR
Time
09:33
Would the Lord Of The Rings series have been any good if it were made through the Hollywood system? Find out.

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Date
20021121

Time
09:35
What is your favourite color? Blue… No, I mean red! Arrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!

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Date
20021121

Time
09:37
A reporter finds out what became of the boy who bullied him at school.

I had lots of bullies at school. The worst one died from a heroin overdose. I’m still not sure how I feel about that.

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Date
20021121

Time
09:40
Yet another ironic lottery win, this time a man who is too old to enjoy it wins more than $30 million in the Pennsylvania Lottery.

When asked if he would play the lottery again, he replied, “No, never, I swear. I don’t want this problem again… It’s more money than I’ve ever had.”

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Date
20021121

Time
09:42
Who in their right minds would want to play a Wuthering Heights Role Playing Game?

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Date
20021121
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
10:30
Today is a good day.

Sometime ago, I got in touch with the two major opposing parties about Tony Blair’s email address. It probably goes without saying that the Tories weren’t much help (but I can’t give you details right now, sorry).

However, and this is how my good day started, I found out (via their email newsletter) that our campaign got a mention at the activist site ParliamentUK.com

Then the mail arrived. It was a letter from the lovely Sue Doughty, a Lib Dem and my local MP.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, (and especially Squidboy, who asked all those weeks ago ‘Can Weblogs… get a question asked in the Houses of Parliament without using a bribe?’) we have – and you know what’s coming don’t you? – we have indeed had such a question asked, and no bribes were involved.

Monday 4th November 2002

Sue Doughty:
‘To ask the Prime Minister, what email address members of the public may use to contact him.’

Wednesday 6th November

The Prime Minister:
‘At present there is no e-mail address by which members of the public can contact me. However an address will be made available in the new year.’

1. You can always tell a newbie by the way they spell ‘email’.

2. Be warned that ‘in the new year’ in politicspeak does not mean January 1st. Or any date in January for that matter. It could even mean December 2003. We have to keep the pressure up.

Still, huzzah for Sue Doughty. I’m glad I voted for her.

Finally, this afternoon, after I’ve trawled through miles of download sites researching software for a new PDA, I’m changing into clean underwear for a dinner date at the House of Commons with the honourable Tom Watson, MP. As he notes, it should be a hoot.

Like I said, today is a good day. But I can’t help but feeling that I’m forgetting something… Oh, yes – a fresh deletion. (We cant afford to go soft now!)

There’s been lots of email about Iraq and, more recently, about the Firefighter’s strike. What makes today’s deletion so interesting is that it’s about both, based on the armed forces complaint yesterday that they can’t prepare to fight a war and put out fires – and Tony’s evasive response to same. I’ll quote the juiciest bit for you. Bloggerheads recognises the outraged member of the public from Reading:

‘My impression is that you seem to be fixated on your relationship with George Bush to the detriment of all of us in this country. Would it be too much to ask a nominally left of centre Prime Minister to put away his toy soldiers for a day and to sit down with Andy Gilchrist and the Local Authorities to broker a deal to end the Firefighters strike? I cannot believe that the Government are prepared to stand by and watch the next strike go ahead without intervention. You seem to be losing sight of what got you elected in the first place; commitment to essential services or playing the International Statesman with the most right wing and oil influenced US government in memory?’

That’s the longest quote I’ve published here at Bloggerheads, but it deserved to be read by someone, even if it wasn’t Tony.

*delete*

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Date
20021122

Time
11:30
Yes, it was a hoot. Yes he he is one of the good ones. Typically, though, I’m suddenly too busy to tell you all about it. In fact, today you may very well have to entertain yourselves.

Some suggestions? OK, how about choosing a site at random and looking it up at the web archive? Very educational. Much retro fun to be had.

Want to waste an hour or five? OK, head to www.b3ta.com/board and have a spazz through the older messages. Dig deep. Things move very fast at B3ta, and the typical web user only sees about 1% of it.

I’ve also stuck by ilovebacon.com for a long time. For a reason. Dig deep and enjoy.

Very soon, I’m going to drop Daypop from the navbar and add FunJunkie instead. It’s well worth my time, and therefore well worth yours. Visit. Again, dig deep. It’s equally enjoyable and has backed everything worthwhile that we’ve done here.

Alternatively, you may choose to dig through my archives. The 12-month anniversary of Bloggerheads approaches, and a lot has changed in the last year.

In fact, it’s probably fair to say that we’ve spent the last 12 months proving what we can do. The coming year is going to be about doing.

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Date
20021123

Time
11:44
I worked like a dog yesterday (and had a fair bit of travel there and back). I also have some nasty sinus congestion, so today I’ve crawled into a hole and only plan on coming out to dope myself up real good from time to time and maybe say ‘hi’ to you guys.

So, erm… Hi. Here’s another spammer following the publicity trail (thanks to Scott for the heads-up).

OK, that’s that done. Where are the drugs?

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Date
20021124

Time
09:28
Oh, I do so love trawling through my weekend spam:

‘Want to see what those HOT Soccer MOMS do when their husbands are at work?’

Heh. Hot Soccer Moms. Do they have any upskirt shots of them climbing into their 4WDs?

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Date
20021125
Flash Games
Time
08:49
Here you go; have a Happy Pill.

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Date
20021125
Photoshopping
Time
09:14
Each year, the BBC program What The Papers does a review of the year in pictures. This year, the Beeb has invited us to select our favourite newspaper picture as kind of a warm-up. There was a big hassle at B3ta on Friday when someone noticed that the image of the Argentinean football team holding handbags was credited as ‘Copyright The Daily Mirror’, when it’s public knowledge (at least on the internet) that they did not create – or pay for – the image. They picked it up off the internet and – showing typical tabloid arrogance – used it without the permission of the creator.

A few things should be noted for the record:

The folks behind B3ta were not the people pointing the finger. It was the community on the board making all of the noise, and B3ta did their best to calm them down. I could say something rude here, but I’ve promised to be nice.

One thing that worked in The Mirror’s favour was the ‘startling’ revelation that the chap widely credited with the pic actually seems to have nicked the finished product himself. (We made the same mistake here, but eventually discovered that the original was done by one Carl Baldwin. I’ve been in touch, I’ve seen the original PSD file, it looks authentic.)

So, concluded The Mirror, we didn’t steal it after all.

Oh, yes you did. In Carl’s own words, he was ‘gobsmacked’ when he first saw the paper. In other words, you used his image without notifying him. And then ran it on the front page without a care in the world. When I called the picture desk of The Mirror about this, they insisted that it wasn’t an original work, just ‘a Reuters image with some pictures put on it’ or some such nonsense.

They ran a small piece on Carl the next day and, as it turns out, he seems happy enough with the notoriety alone, but for The Mirror to enter it into this competition and state that they owned the copyright? Well, it got a lot of hackles up.

The caption for this picture at the BBC site now reads: ‘Used by The Daily Mirror’

A good short-term compromise (and words that ring true), but really it should read: ‘Created by Carl Baldwin.’

Just as it would for any other photographer or artist.

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Date
20021125

Time
09:15
Afterlifetelegrams.com: send telegrams to loved ones who have passed away with the help of terminally ill volunteers.

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Date
20021125

Time
09:19
42-year-old pastor arrested after accidentally closing a PowerPoint slidshow with child porn.

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Date
20021125
Notthattheresanythingwrongwiththat
Time
09:22
This is sure to annoy a few folks:

Boffins study homosexual sheep and claim that there’s something wrong with their brains.

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Date
20021125

Time
09:24
Apparently, blocking cookies and pop-ups is theft. Riiiiight. And what about the theft of my bandwidth?

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Date
20021125

Time
09:26
Watch women getting cream pies in the face and ‘other messy indignities.’

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Date
20021125
Elvis Lives
Time
09:28
Graceland has reversed its ban on Elvis impersonators. And justice for all….

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Date
20021125

Time
10:50
Dinner at The House of Commons went splendidly. Tom Watson is a gentleman of the highest order.

David Icke thinks that he’s a shape-shifting lizard, but I saw no evidence of that on the night. He did have his steak a little on the rare side, but that’s OK – so did I.

It wasn’t the only thing we had in common, either. Truth be told, we got on like a house on fire from the word ‘go’, so I was a little worried having read Mystic Meg’s message for Capricorns earlier that day:

Said Meg: ‘Someone you find easy to talk to and laugh with the moment you meet has lots of love potential.’

I must admit that we had to fight the urge to do it right there on the table (especially after I produced said horoscope and discovered that Tom was a Capricorn too) but doing so would no doubt have upset the other diners. Erm, and probably my bowl of crab bisque as well.

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Date
20021125

Time
12:30
I was watching the dire program/poll fiasco Great Britons last night, when something awfully obvious occurred to me…

If that doesn’t tickle your funny bone, then perhaps this will.

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Date
20021125

Time
16:25
Yes, it’s real.

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Date
20021125
Flash Games
Time
08:47
Here you go; have a Happy Pill.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021126

Time
08:40
Barbie is corrupting the minds of Russian children. Of course she is. She’s teaching them that you need to buy friends.

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Date
20021126
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
08:42
RIAA invades the U.S. Navy.

Oh, and just for the record, The Register really need to sort out their Page Titles. The complete lack of them not only has a negative effect on search engine results for individual articles, it also stops folks who scan Blogdex from knowing what their articles are all about.

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Date
20021126

Time
08:45
Is the United States the new Roman Empire?

Erm, and if so, when is it due to collapse?

You won’t find the answer in this article; it rattles on mostly about military power. Collapse comes from within, so if you’re an American and are worried about such things, you should keep an eye out for signs of political turmoil, unfettered greed, widespread gluttony and sexual depravity. Fark.com is a good place to start. That, or you can turn on your television set.

Oh, and here are some pictures of places that the U.S. has bombed.

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Date
20021126

Time
08:54
2x, 4x, 8x, 16x, 32x, 56x, 64x… CD-ROM readers seem to double in speed every few years. This site asks: ‘At what speed will a CD blow up, and can you do something to prevent it from exploding?’

Of course, to find this out, first you have to spin a CD-ROM so fast that it does explode – and therein lies the entertainment. At one stage, they actually ripped holes in the ceiling.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021126
You Better Watch Out…
Time
09:02
Think twice before you sit on a stranger’s lap:

70 out of 1,000 Santa and Santa helper applicants are found to have criminal records.

‘Even the elves are fingerprinted and drug-tested.’ Heh.

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Date
20021126

Time
09:07
Lawyer Marc Smith decided to rent out his white stucco home as an adult film location ‘on a whim.’ It’s now turned out to be extremely popular as a repeat location as the house can be made to look like a modern dwelling (‘Here’s that pizza you ordered. Say, why are all you girls naked?’), a nightclub (‘Do you come here often?’) or even a corporate boardroom (‘No, I won’t fire the board of directors – dramatic pause – but I will sack your cook!’).

The problem is the house isn’t isolated enough, and the neighbours are up in arms.

One film company reportedly ordered a 10-year-old girl playing in the yard next door to go inside her house ‘before the cameras started rolling for one explicit scene.’ Oh well, at least she got to watch the rehearsal.

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Date
20021126
Photoshopping
Time
11:18
Some images are too large to post on the front page, but too big to go without a mention.

This is one of them.

I hope it cheers you up.

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Date
20021126
Photoshopping
Time
17:13
Here comes another one, just like the other one (badda-dedum-dum-dum).

You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name the system!

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Date
20021127

Time
07:37
I’m sorry, but the brain project sounds like a really mental idea to me.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021127

Time
07:38
The Stark County recorder’s office and the mystery of the lacy women’s underwear. Zoinks!

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Date
20021127

Time
07:42
I thought I told you kids to stay the hell out of my yard!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021127

Time
07:44
European scientists plan on using their new BBT (bloody big telecope) to take a very close look at the moon to see if the NASA moonlanding craft is still there. You would think that this would settle matters for most conspiracy theorists, but some are already claiming that NASA sent mock (robot-powered) landing craft just in case such a telescope was ever invented. I bet they sent some fake golfballs up, too.

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Date
20021127

Time
07:50
Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley are getting divorced after just 4 months. Shortest. Publicity Stunt. Ever. In fact, it may just deserve the Celebrity Bestiality treatment. We shall see.

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Date
20021127

Time
07:54
This is a nice article on the subject of link whoring and permalinking. You’ll note that there are no permalinks on this site. The archive isn’t indexed by Google, either. If I think I have something of merit to say, I write an article and use a dedicated page for it – everything else is shelved in the archive. I have enough impact on search engines as it is. Can you imagine what it would be like if an entire year of Bloggerheads output hit Google’s database?

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Date
20021127

Time
08:04
As the Ultimate Insult notes, this tool that lets you enter the URL of one weblog to find other weblogs like it is far from intuitive. You might be better off using a dartboard. And a blindfold.

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Date
20021127

Time
08:09
Hello to all of the lovely people who’ve wound up here from Crackermatic.

No, I don’t know when Crackermatic will return, but the elves have promised to get back to me about it soon.

In the meantime, drop over to FunJunkie; they have lots of flash wotsits featured today.

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Date
20021127
Photoshopping
Time
10:11
What can I say, but: ‘Heyyyyyyy!’?

I like this, it turned out well. I’m especially happy with how Joanie looks hot for those bulging Fonzarelli biceps.



Now, to work!

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Date
20021127
Photoshopping
Time
17:12
Here’s a couple of extras for you:

1. More Happy Days meets Star Wars

2. Luke and Leia didn’t know they were brother and sister. But that’s OK – neither did their parents…

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Date
20021128

Time
09:14
Big Blagger is running an ongoing feature on Celebrity Big Brother. If anybody out there cares. I haven’t watched much of it at all. Still, the site does have an animated GIF of Jade shoving her fist in her mouth and that’s got to be worth something.

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Date
20021128

Time
09:16
Hey kids! It’s Woody’s World of Penis Euphemisms!

I’ve just added mine. I call him Mr Rogers, because the little fella normally wakes up in an unusually good mood.

(Link via FunJunkie)

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Date
20021128

Time
09:20
The Colossal Colon is on tour! Sadly, it doesn’t look to be scheduled for a UK visit. And I had my miner’s helmet ready and everything…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021128

Time
09:22
Some people spend a worrying amount of time obsessing over Peter Gabriel lyrics.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021128

Time
09:25
This pretty much gets down to the guts of the whole ‘fair use parody’ thing. Shows like 2DTV can pretty much say and do what they like when it’s ‘art’, but when they use the same material for advertising purposes the shit usually hits the fan.

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Date
20021128

Time
09:27
Some Californian lawyer out to make a name for herself is pressing local authorities to investigate Michael Jackson over the whole baby-dangling thing.

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Date
20021128

Time
09:29
At first glance I thought it was surplus to requirements, but this

link popularity tool for weblogs is actually pretty good. For a start, it digs a little deeper than your standard link check and actually ranks links according to their ‘freshness’ (i.e. recency). Very useful, and added to the main links bar as of today.

Oh, if you want to do a standard link popularity test, Webmaster Toolchest (it’s on my old software page is still the fastest and easiest way to go about it.

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Date
20021128

Time
09:35
Well, it’s crass and rather pointless, but at least it shows that someone out there is listening:

Barbie has a weblog.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021128

Time
09:36
Tomorrow is Buy Nothing Day. Yes, I will be participating, even though it’s pay day.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021128

Time
09:38
This is pretty Hollywood:

Drowning men blown to safety by helicopter.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021128
Photoshopping
Time
11:06
“It’s 1.12 parsecs to Yavin IV. We’ve got a droid full of stolen plans, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses.”

“Hit it!”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021128

Time
12:13
There’s a very persistant rumour going around that Posh has dumped Becks because he’s been sleeping with Michael Owen’s girlfriend’s sister (or something like that). It didn’t start at Popbitch, but this didn’t stop lawyers representing Posh and Becks from jumping straight down their throat. Says Popbitch:

‘Their last letter told us that no-one using the site was even allowed to mention David Beckham’s name.’

(You see, this is what happens when an underground movement becomes a mainstream success…)

I’m sure you’ll hear the rumour about a dozen times today, but just in case you don’t, you can see this post to uk.misc or this thread in alt.gossip.celebrities

Is it true? Well, let’s just put it this way… a lot of people wish it were true.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021128
Photoshopping
Time
16:10
And another one, this time with the A-Team. Do let me know if you’re getting sick of these.

Oh, I do have a small variation: Darth Maul goes out of business.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021128

Time
21:51
I’m willing to bet that there will be a fax not unlike this one waiting on the desk of the kind people who sort out my hosting tomorrow morning. Bloggerheads may well be taken down as a result, merely for reporting the fact (fact, I will remind you) that there is an unsubstantiated rumour doing the rounds about Posh and Becks.

As noted in the post below, this rumour spread to Usenet. As busy as the Poshbecks lawyers may be today, they certainly can’t hope to regulate Usenet (though Google may be pressured into removing it from their archive). The best they can hope for if the rumour is (as I suspect) false is for enough search results to turn up on this matter saying ‘Yeah, right! Sheyahh! And monkeys might fly out of my butt!’

Most people with two or more brain cells will then recognise it for what it is – a very seductive urban legend.

Doing business this way is sure to add fuel to the fire, which I believe is my right to note. We shall see what my host makes of it tomorrow morning.

[BTW, I tried to look these chaps up just now. For 'IP Law Specialists', they certainly are hard to find on the web. No listing at 192, either.Hey, I tried.]

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Date
20021129

Time
08:38
Good news, daahlinks. Zsa Zsa Gabor isn’t really in a coma.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021129

Time
08:42
Something for the geek in you; Star Trek ASCII art.

(Link via ultimateinsult.net)

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Date
20021129

Time
08:43
What? More geekage?

It’s… the Monty Python and the Holy Grail Sweepstakes!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021129

Time
08:45
Some very good advice on search engine optimisation from Google. Long overdue.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021129
Christianity Watch
Time
08:47
Lordy, lordy, it’s a Christian musical about the Columbine High School Massacre. It’s a pity you have to pay good money to see the full transcript, but I am tempted. Too bad it’s Buy Nothing Day today. Perhaps tomorrow, then.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021129

Time
09:04
And now, the news you’ve all been waiting for…

No word from my host yet, but The Guardian has reported the story (minus the rumour, of course).

As the statement from the Beckham camp notes:

‘… repeating the rumours could result in legal action.’

‘Could?’. Try ‘will.’

But how do I know if I’m repeating the rumour when, like most urban legends, it continues to morph as it’s passed from person to person?

Last I heard, Becks was leaving Posh because she’s really a man and the father of Prince William (purple monkey dishwasher).

And of course, this is only going to get worse as their lawyers shut down these websites. Those who previously would have disbelieved it (or perhaps couldn’t care less) will now be champing at the bit, trying to find out what’s going on.

Many other sites have also repeated the rumour, merely because they’re not allowed to.

In other words, Posh and Becks tried to nip something in the bud when it was already a great big f**king tree. Now, we’re looking at something more like a forest.

More soon.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021129

Time
09:25
Well, I’ve talked to my host and they haven’t received any nasty faxes. Let’s hope it stays that way. In the meantime, please feel free to soothe your jangled nerves with this, my first sponsored Photoshop.

If the thought of losing Bloggerheads causes you concern, then perhaps you would also care enough to send a copy of this wonderful Christmas message to the special person in your life.

Erm, or you could cut out the middleman and head straight to itsmywishlist.com

If you wanted to. No pressure.

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Date
20021129

Time
10:14
Heh. I’ve been tagged, and tagged well. If you look closely, you might even see that my nose is bleeding.



You can all calm down, folks. I’d tell you more, but I don’t want to spoil anyone’s fun. All you need to know for now is that there is no need for panic. Erm, and my planned article about weblog marketing and issues of trust just got a few paragraphs longer.

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Date
20021129

Time
11:50
Yet another Posh/Becks headline. It’s just now coming up on midday, so I can make the following announcement:

The fax at FunJunkie is a fake. A hoax.

Despite being unable to find any firm by the name given on the fax, I didn’t suspect enough to mention it.

Despite seeing that the fax described legal action that was in no way legal (and had some glaring inconsistencies), I didn’t suspect enough to mention it.

A lot of this has to do with the factor of trust. Another major contributing factor is the fact that there are people in the world stupid enough to try this kind of thing.

Well, Rich owes me about 3 or 4 hours sleep, but I bear him no ill will. It was a point well made.

And now, back to our regular programming…

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Date
20021129

Time
12:54
Well, the season is upon us. The most promising mechanisms to be first out of the gate are this gaseous version of the 12 Days of Christmas (link via TTR2) and this quite addictive Santa game (link via those rotten beggars at FunJunkie).

Oh, and I’ve just realised that I’ve linked to itsmywishlist.com on International Buy Nothing Day. Oops.

Still, it’s not as if I want to buy anything (except for me, that is). Just make a list and check it twice. Sorry, they don’t let you ask for sexy lingerie. I’ve already checked.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021129

Time
13:28
Major lottery winner buys another ticket and wins again. No, it wasn’t Michael Carroll.

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Date
20021129
Photoshopping
Time
13:38
Another glorious Star Wars image for you:

The New Testament marked the end of the Old Republic…

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Date
20021129
Flash Games
Time
18:53
Blimey! That didn’t take long:

Michael Jackson Baby Drop

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Date
20021130
Tony Blair’s Email: Deletion of the Hostages
Time
09:21
Bloody hell. My another.com account has maxed out again. You know what? I’m tempted to delete all of Tony Blair’s email in one go. It’s taking up nearly 9MB of valuable space and, damn it, I feel like making a statement.

So, if I did this, would anyone out there be interested in personally pressing the ‘delete’ button?

You know, like when they get some lucky local kid to press the plunger at a major demolition.

Let me know.

Michael Carroll needs more money!

You can only imagine how devastated Michael Carroll must have been when he first learned that he had only won 9.7 million on the National Lottery. To have come that close to a significant monetary landmark only to fall a mere 300 grand short must have been a real kick in the guts.

Also, you must agree, it makes for a pretty pissweak headline. ‘Tagged Offender Wins 9.7 million!’ doesn’t have anywhere near the same pizzazz as ‘Tagged Offender Wins 10 million!’

Michael Carroll - Card One
    Michael Carroll - Card Two

The population of this country also requires this easy-to-remember figure in order to be able to quote it accurately whilst expressing outrage down at the bingo hall or in the local pub.

For this reason, we’re running a special campaign to help Michael make up the shortfall – and we want it to come out of your pocket. This will not only help Michael to reach that all-important 10-million landmark, it will also give you an easier number to remember – and further justification to vent your rage.

How much you give is up to you, but our target is 300,000 squid (and you’ll probably want to give an exceedingly generous amount so you can get a decent red mist going).

Michael Carroll - Card Three
    Michael Carroll - Card Four

We suggest a donation amount of 25 pounds (as this is roughly the average amount spent each week by National Lottery players). If you can’t afford this, then perhaps you can simply choose to not play the lottery this week and instead send the amount you would otherwise have gambled directly to Michael.

After all, it’s not like you’re going to win or anything…

Where to send your donations:

This address has been removed on legal advice. More soon.

UPDATE (7th July 2004) – I’m sure you’ll all be delighted to know that an on-the-ball team of patent and trademark attorneys toils night and day to protect the good name of the National Lottery. In fact, they sent what was no doubt a rather expensive letter to my service provider (instead of, say, emailing me directly, which would have been far cheaper and much more polite). In their letter, they demanded that I remove the address of the National Lottery’s head office from this page; because they were concerned that you – the unwitting web user – would assume that this campaign was endorsed by the Camelot Group or some such nonsense.

For the record; no, this isn’t a serious fundraising effort on behalf of Michael Carroll. I should also point out – just so we’re all clear on this matter – that this web page which actually suggests that you shouldn’t waste your money on the National Lottery is in no way endorsed by the good people from the National Lottery.

However, it may appear to some people that lottery money has been spent (or perhaps even wasted) on this web page; courtesy of the good people at David Keltie Associates. (A copy of their letter has been posted below for your reference.)

Letter from David Keltie Associates

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