The Night Before Christmas

The Night Before Christmas (Tabloid Edition)

by Tim Ireland

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House
Not a creature was stirring, except for this louse;

The shocking news hung like a fart in the air,
That something caught knickerless soon would be there;

The MPs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of peerages danced in their heads,

But stalking the halls, and consulting his map,
Still came the intruder; this unwholesome chap,

Who sniffed at them all and their law-making chatter,
Who judged himself best to know which judgments mattered.

Now quickly he dashed as he caught a quick flash,
In pursuit of the knickerless, offering cash!

The moon came out next and then footprints on snow,
The knickerless attempted escape down below!

Then, round and down corners and what should appear?
A knickerless front! No! A knickerless rear!

Attached to that bottom, so lively and quick,
Was a knickerless target… that knew it was nicked.

More rapid than ever he pursued his game,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called the thing names;

“Now, Dasher! now, Runner! now, Zippy and Speedo!
You Scumbag! you Maggot! you Faggot and Paedo!

I know what you are and my bum’s to the wall!
Now suck on my! suck on my! suck on my balls!”

(Such messages mixed, and made on the fly,
Presented no obstacle; heaven knows why.)

So up to the House-top the runners they flew,
The unwholesome chap, and the knickerless too,

And then, in a twinkling, they fell off the roof,
Into the chavs and the have-nots and yoof!

The unwholesome chap’s eyes darted around,
As down fell the knickerless, down to the ground,

“Kick it!” he yelled, “Before it kicks you!
If Jesus were here, He’d be kicking it, too!”

A bundle of knives were then plunged in its back,
As the knickerless was bent down and facing the sack,

It eyes — how they darted! so startled! so trapped!
When facing the sack and this unwholesome chap.

(Its sad little face was then put on show,
And ironically entitled “Mind how you go.”)

The stump of its limb was chewed on by teeth,
Its ear was chewed off with some dead woman’s grief,

They chewed off its face and its heart and its belly,
They shook and they laughed when they watched it on telly!

They cheered and they paid the unwholesome chap,
For this freshly spun story of deeds and mishaps,

For the wink of his eye and the twist of his words,
And the signal that’s silent but needs to be heard.

He bowed to the crowd, and returned to his work,
(He works for himself, so he works for a jerk),

And laying his finger inside of his nose,
He waved about cash and where most of it goes,

Then sprang to his feet, and shot off like a missile,
To the thundering sound of a million dog whistles.

But I heard him exclaim, as he shot out of sight,
“Mob justice for all (except me) and good-night!”

Have a safe and merry Winterval, and please don’t drive if you’ve had a few. Cheers all.








Posted in Humanity | 2 Comments

LondonUnlocked: rather a bit too shy about their Tory donor roots

Boris Watch – The Ever So ‘Independent’ LondonUnlocked.org: Also, there’s only one registered user – ‘Editor’ – who has no email address, there are few or no comments, and who’s this Maurice Bennett? …. So there we are, LondonUnlocked.org is funded and supported by a wealthy Conservative donor (to the tune of at least £500k) with business interests a lot of shops, presumably including some in central London. As far as I can see they don’t mention the Conservative connection *anywhere*, although I’m open to correction. Personally, I think they’ve got some explaining to do.

But… but… but… surely we’ve been told time and again by independent right-wing bloggers that blogs don’t cost money… and if blogs don’t cost money, then surely there can’t be Tory money behind any independent right-wing bloggers. It’s simple logic, people.

(rolls eyes)

Details about clear party-political influence/affiliation do appear to be denied and hidden rather than declared and highlighted on the London Unlocked site. The author(s)/publisher(s) behind it should probably try to explain just what is going on over there.

UPDATE (24 Dec) – I asked a question and actually got an answer instead of feigned outrage and/or personal abuse. If it’s a right-wing website, the author has lost their technical manual. Full text from that answer appears below the fold.

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Continue reading








Posted in Tories! Tories! Tories! | 4 Comments

Santa Claus is a sell-out

I hope Debenhams release Santa from his contract before Christmas Eve, or there are going to be lots of disappointed boys and girls around the world.








Posted in Consume! | Comments Off

Richard Littlejohn is a lying, manipulative scoundrel

Five Chinese Crackers – Smellyface Christmas, Everybody! (via)

Eric the Fish – More Fairy Tales

LeftieHippie – Richard Littlejohn and Google Maps

Even though he’s got it wrong, is lying, or is just making stuff up for most if not all of his ‘war on Christmas’ list, Richard Littlejohn enjoys a safely censorious comments environment where scrutiny is frowned upon or ignored (if it is published at all) and mindless applause and reinforcement is the order of the day, so he’s unlikely to be slowed by anything so banal as reality.

Still, if you can draw the BNP crowd and cash in on them without going so far as to sign up for a spiffy uniform yourself, where’s the harm, eh?

(Hm. For some reason, I’m reminded of another right-wing populist and confirmed liar.)








Posted in Old Media | Comments Off

Sparing a thought for some of the fun I’m missing

- Camera in a Guy’s Head has been a ‘featured’ video at YouTube (UK) for a couple of days now. Views are in their tens of thousands and comments in their hundreds. I’m still having trouble understanding the purpose of some of the comments some people will make on YouTube (example), but it’s kind of nice all the same. (Cheers to BenSix for the heads-up.)

– My next video (on the subject of sock-puppetry) will most probably be on Vimeo, BTW. The animation insists on being unexpectedly awesome, and it’ll require resolution that YouTube can’t deliver. And more time. Like ‘not before Christmas’ time.

– Lame/duck interface: Person in Iraq throws shoes at Bush (via). Bush tells us it’s no big deal*. Even the security services seem quite relaxed about it. So we’re allowed to throw shoes at him now. He’s quick enough to dodge them, he won’t be fazed by it and burly men won’t leap on top of you and/or shoot you in the back of the head several times if you try it. Trust me on this; Bush will be disappointed if he thinks up all those great shoe jokes for nothing. And do be quick about it, as you have less than 36 days in which conk the noggin while it’s still worth a full 50 points.

(*He doesn’t know or he doesn’t care, or he doesn’t care who thinks he doesn’t know or doesn’t care.)

Respect, office, yadda yadda yadda (#1)

Respect, office, yadda yadda yadda (#2)

Rebekah Wade is flirting with mob justice again. Perhaps even invisible mob justice.

More tabloid fun here.

But, sadly, there’s no outrage from tabloids over this. (Maybe if the miners had been famous pop singers or attractive teenage girls…?)

– This on the Menezes verdict (via Septicisle):

“Princess Diana, killed in a car crash – unlawful killing. Six passengers and four crew killed when a man drives his Land Rover off the M62 on to the Selby rail line – unlawful killing. Man throws his son from the roof of a Greek hotel – unlawful killing. A UK soldier is killed in Iraq when a US pilot opens fire on him – unlawful killing. BBC journalist Kate Peyton shot – unlawful killing. Two policemen shoot an innocent man seven times in the head on a train in front of witness who say no warning was given – not unlawful killing. Could someone please explain?” – Dan Tanzey – Thornton Cleveleys, Lancashire

– Yes, I’ve seen the mention of Paul Staines in Private Eye, but Paul doesn’t want to talk about that. Or anything else. Sorry, Alex.








Posted in Updates | Comments Off

Hitting and running

Psst! I’m over here this morning.

Oh, and here’s a little something for Alex Hilton, who claims to have missed the whole Usmanov thing; a video I made at the time, but neglected to release…

UK Libel Law (explained in post-it notes)

There’s a newer and far funkier animation on the way (on the subject of sock-puppetry).

Oh, and if I can figure a way to write about it without some idiot throwing his idiot laywer at me, there will one day soon be an opaque post (containing tedious detail) that reflects on the issues of unmoderated user-generated content and profitability, and where these two issues might intersect in the most mysterious ways.








Posted in Rupert 'The Evil One' Murdoch, UK Libel Law | 5 Comments

Push has finally come to shove

As much I’d love to bring you an opaque post full of tedious detail, this is all you get today; Mr Popularity strikes again…

YouTube – Who wants to stand next to the President for a picture?








Posted in George W. Bush | Comments Off

Little Shannon Matthews is pure, concentrated evil

I don’t think the good people at the Mirror really thought this one through:

Please see Septicisle for some thoughtful words on this topic.

– Also worth reading is Jean-Charles de Menezes summed up (via)

– While I remain deeply unimpressed with Alex Hilton, I will happily publicise this predicament and (*gasp*) maybe even pay attention to what is going on.

Encouraging news on the Nigerian witch hunt front.

You’ll want to read this article on torture, even though it contains few surprises.








Posted in Christ..., Old Media, The War on Stupid, UK Libel Law, Updates | 2 Comments

Feigned outrage (and a few incovenient facts hiding behind it)

Why are the Tories trying to convince everyone that there’s meat in the shit-sandwich they should be eating?

Rheotrical question, obviously.

Justin McKeating – V for Vacuity
Anton Vowl – Well yes, when you look at it that way…
Unity – The Purloined Policy… <--- long but potentially quite important Paulie – David Davies – refusing to co-operate?

Iain Dale has not been able to show any substance behind his feigned outrage here and here. Challenges to his declaration that “…to most people nowadays, the word ‘grooming’ has only one connotation and it’s related to paedophilia” have been ignored or dismissed.

You may also ‘enjoy’ Richard Littlejohn as he defies the British police state from within his gated community in Miami and waves Dr David Kelly’s corpse around like a weapon.

(On the latter point, Littlejohn describes Kelly as being hounded to death “for telling the truth about Iraq’s non-existent nuclear weapons”… but this the same man who, when at the Sun, dismissed a million people with doubts about WMD claims as selfish, naive peaceniks.)

UPDATE – They are so outraged, they can barely stop themselves… from smirking?! (via)

(Psst! First face I noticed in the footage was that of notorious sock-puppeteer Grant Shapps. I’m amazed that Cameron still has this clown in his cabinet.)








Posted in Tories! Tories! Tories! | Comments Off

Alex Hilton vs. Johanna Kaschke

David Semple – Bloggers against libel: help Alex Hilton

No.

David T – Defend Alex “Recess Monkey” Hilton

No.

Iain Dale – “Some people may think I have lost my marbles when they read this post…”

No!

Alex Hilton – HELP! Please read

(reads)

Erm… no.

More details below the fold for those who need them:

[ —————— FOLD —————— ]

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Posted in UK Libel Law | 5 Comments