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Which right-wing 'blogger' are you?

OK folks, it's time to put yourself to the test and see if you can handle a weblog like the champs who declare themselves to be at the head of the league table (that they just happen to run). The key thing to remember if you want a clean match to one of the leading lights of British political pseudo-blogging is that you should never ever accept the accountability that's supposed to come hand-in-hand with the influence a weblog provides. Everything else comes down to personal style.

Enjoy the quiz.

[WARNING: This quiz involves examples from REAL LIFE, assorted FACTS, plus a dose of SCIENCE. Use it with care and keep away from naked flame wars.]

How many visitors do you reach per month?
Too many to count, and every visit is a vote for me!
Hundreds of thousands, because every visit is a visitor.
One, two, miss a few, ninety-nine, 4 million. (PS - Can I sell you some banner advertising? Perhaps this nice bridge?)
I don't care about stats. No, really.

A blogger catches you (or an associate) stealing images and complains. What do you do?
Go on a long liquid lunch and throw a lawyer's letter at them. Then run away like a big girl.
Claim that the accusing blogger steals images, too. From helpless pensioners and defenceless women!
Ignore the complaint and delete any comments about it until I get around to deleting the evidence. Then I can pretend the whole thing never happened.
Dismiss it as a leftist conspiracy to silence me.
Call them a nutter and a stalker. Then threaten to call them at home a few times.

Someone submits comments to a post that fatally undermines your position/argument/claim in that post. What do you do?
Delete the comments before they appear so I don't have to deal with them.
Attack the submitter with personal and/or anonymous abuse.
Ban the submitter.
Delete the comments, attack the submitter with personal and/or anonymous abuse, and then ban them for being abusive.
Track down the submitter's unlisted number, publish half of it on my website, and order them to shut up. If they persist, I'll publish the other half.
Delete the comment and insist that the submitter re-submit their comment to an entirely different thread that's dedicated to 'complaints'. It's my way of keeping comments tidy.
Stop taking comments. From anyone. Forever.

You make a claim that is immediately disproved on another website. What do you do?
Ignore that website and forbid any mention of the matter under comments on my site so my readers don't get wind of it.
Criticise that website/article/author without linking to it/them so my readers can see my response without any pesky distractions from unemployed malcontents and jealous attention-seekers.
Swear at them or about them on other blogs before banning them from my site. For swearing.
Delete the claim or otherwise retromoderate the entry on my site and pretend that none of it happened.
Ignore them. I'm right. I know I'm right. The evidence they've cooked up must be part of the vast leftist conspiracy against me.
Call them at home a few times, yell at them and tell them that they take blogging far too seriously.

A blogger links to entries on your own website that contradict a recent claim that you've made. What do you do?
Foul up any links from that site to mine.
Delete or change any relevant entries on my website.
Write a post claiming that I'm being stalked, and tell readers that they should not trust anything the bad man says.

Political activists have published an anonymous website claiming a Lib Dem candidate is a paedophile. They have published his name, a photo and his whereabouts alongside the claim. How do you react?
I'm shocked.
I'm appalled.
I'm outraged.
I'm not at all surprised. This is so typical of Labour.

The activists (described above) are Conservative activists.
Sorry. Too busy with more important matters.
Not my kind of story, I'm afraid.
Best leave this one to other bloggers.
What is this vendetta you have against Conservatives?
A-ha! I caught you setting me up me with a trick question! How typical of Labour, etc.
The so-called 'victim' is gay, which automatically makes him a paedophile anyway.

Grant Shapps, a Conservative MP, gets caught sock-puppeting; specifically, pretending to be a dispirited Lib Dem activist. He (eventually) claims that his account was hacked because his password was '1234'. How do you react?
I buy the story.
I sell the story.
I blog about it. But only because it's 'amusing'.
I blog about 'Nu Lab trolls' doing the same thing even though I have never once caught one doing the same thing. I mean come on, they must all do it because we all...erm... (pause) Ah-ha! I caught you setting me up with another trick question! How typical of Labour, etc.

An online confrontation has just come to a head. It's time to put up or shut up. You have nowhere to go but backwards, but you don't want to be seen backing down or admitting that you made a mistake. What do you do?
Claim to be bored.
Claim to be busy.
Claim to be in mourning.
Claim to be ill/dying.
Claim it was all a bit of a joke (and that someone is taking blogging far too seriously).
Go on holiday.
Change the subject.
Play the 'stalker' card again. It never gets old and crying 'wolf' never hurt anyone.

Have you ever proposed a strategic alliance with the BNP?
What?! How dare you? I'll sue!


What would you do if you really wanted to intimidate another web user into silence?
I would get a few mates together to gang up on them in secret while I play the victim (and prepare myself to yell "Conspiracy theorist!" if I get caught).
I would just happen to mention, real cool in passing like, that I know policemen, secret servicemen, gangsters and other strong-arm types who are capable of all sorts of things.
I would taunt them and call them names say mean things about their mother. It worked as recently as last year... i.e. when I last tried it in a school playground.
I would threaten to sue them.
I would call them at home after 9pm and tell them how much sex I'm getting.

© Tim Ireland 2008