Mon, January 20, 2003
Tony Blair's Email: The Specifications

A horrible thought occurred to me in the very early hours; what happens when 10 Downing St (finally) delivers on this email service, but the result is pants?

This government has a far from exemplary record when it comes to IT delivery (though they are big on promises and attaching the letter 'e' to the front of everything). Also, I've offered the chaps in charge the benefit of my experience on numerous occasions, only to see this kind offer turned down time and again.

So...

I figured it would be simpler just to publish what I would see to be the ideal specifications. This way they can just steal what they want and claim it was their idea all along. I don't really care, so long as the job gets done - and done properly.

In fairness, it has to be stated that the current regime at 10 Downing St has a pretty good record of replying to correspondence from members of the public by letter and facsimile, and an interesting piece of spin has come my way that one of the reasons for the hold-up on email is their wish to continue this good record when it comes to replying to emails.

Email presents several problems on this front, so what I'll be doing is outlining each problem, assigning solutions to each of them, and building a complete solution as we go along.


Problem 1 - The Perils of a Published Address

This is the biggest problem of all, in that it opens the service up to all manner of abuse, including:
Spambots: A published address on an accessible page is sure to be gathered up by spambots (automated software programs that gather email addresses from indexed web pages). The result would be masses of spam that are sure to jam up the service. Additionally, we do not want the Prime Minister to fall afoul of Nigerian scam artists. He already has Peter Foster handling that side of things.
Viruses: Not only will the occasional tosser think it's funny to send a virus to 10 Downing St, there are a number of viruses that - once they infect a machine - go on to send the virus to every detectable address being viewed on an open web page. The best defence against this is not to publish an unprotected address in the first place.
Dirty Pictures: Heh. Like I can talk.
Third-party Sharing: Even if the address is published in a spam-blocked or otherwise protected format, there's nothing stopping action groups from digging this out and publishing an unprotected version on their website, opening it up all over again to the three former kinds of abuse.

Solution: The email function must be provided in a text-only form format that fully disguises the destination address (domain and all). This system must also make it impossible to dig the address out manually.


Problem 2 - The Single Synapse Theory

From thought to deed in one simple click of the wrist. A large number of the emails I've received that were intended for Tony Blair had been CC'ed to just about every world leader as well (whether the issue was directly relevant to them or not). Often, these emails result from an individual collecting the addresses from one activist site or another, and simply cutting and pasting them into the 'To:' field. Many of them are the most banal of rants that may make the sender feel better, but do nothing to maintain a viable communications channel for people with a valid reason to contact the PM.

Solution: Again, a form format with a hidden destination is the cure. Further:


Problem 3 - Downing Street Requests That You Include Your Full Name & Address With All Correspondence

And fair enough. You do want a reply, don't you? If you don't, you're just pissing into the wind and deserve to be ignored. If you expect something to be done about your concerns, you should be willing to commit fully to the action of communicating with the PM's office. Some folks are still going to want to rant, so this data entry should be made optional to avoid them entering false data to try and fool the automated system (but a note must be made above the entry fields warning that messages sent without a valid return address may not receive a reply).

Solution: The form must have entry fields for the full name and address - and email address - of the sender. Back-end postcode verification for UK residents would be required as a matter of course. Messages sent without such details or from international addressees (see below) will automatically have an automated 'ping' reply sent to the email address provided from a non-descript address at a different domain to the core one. If this bounces back, then the message may as well be dumped straight into a deep, dark, black hole. (Hey, they were warned...)


Problem 4 - The International Audience

Among the emails I've received for Tony are a lot of appeals from people in other countries - some from the third world. Given the impact specific government policy and our lifestyle in general have on some people, it's important that this channel remain open to all parties. I'm assuming here that Downing St would prefer to reply by snail mail to the bulk of valid messages sent from within the UK, but saddling the communications department with sudden foreign mail expenses just isn't going to work. If a valid email address were given, it would be best if Downing St replied to this address. However - and this is a big bloody 'however' - only a single such recipient needs to publish the address used for this purpose for us to be back at square one with Problem 1.

Solution: Replies of this kind must be in the form of unique_automated_number@not-the-main-domain (e.g. 384552549@downingstcom.gov.uk). Subsequent replies from the original senders to this specific address can also be automated to go directly to the individuals or departments the issue refers to (see Problem 7). Emails to an individual address from any other address than the one used for the original correspondence would indicate that this address has been shared and/or published, so they would go into a deep, dark, black hole. Ditto for any emails to educatedguess@not-the-main-domain and so on.


Problem 5 - Hammering by Activists

The bulk of the email I've received has been from activists who hammer the address on an almost daily basis. Again, pissing into the wind. If they're that concerned about the state of the nation, they should bloody well run for office. Their abuse of this system (once it exists) threatens the ability of Joe Bloggs to raise singular and important issues with the PM.

Solution: Bulk communicators should automatically be sorted according to the email address of origin, with their messages forwarded to the department of bog-standard replies.


Problem 6 - Abuse by Arseholes

Let me draw from experience and quote from an actual example that I've received:
"Dear Tony, I had your wife in her chambers and she sure was fine..."

Solution: Requires manual deletion, but the problem is only an occasional one and - again - we rely on the ever-trustworthy deep, dark, black hole. No pun intended.


Problem 7 - The PM Can't Be Everywhere; Can't Do Everything

Some emails come from folks with local issues who are at their wits end and wish to go 'straight to the top.' Others are from subscribers to the Daily Mail convinced that foreigners are stealing their garden gnomes or Sun readers who would like to see more topless chicks on the bench (or something like that). Mostly these involve issues that are best dealt with by their local MP, the Home Office, the Department of Jubbly Justice and so on.

Solution: The problem has arisen via email; let it be solved by email. The communications department needs to be armed with the best forwarding addresses for such cases, be they individual MP or government department. Letters from these referred departments can start off with 'The PM's office has advised us...' just so everyone knows that Tony is on the case. Hey, he's a leader. Leaders delegate, right? With email, this can take seconds.


Problem 8 - People With Actual Problems That Should Be Addressed By The Prime Minister

Solution: Deal with it. It's your sodding job; remember? Oh, OK... I accept that you don't have time to read everything (or even close to 1% of it), this is why those who do deal with your email should classify each and every valid message according to the issue it addresses and the position it takes on this issue - then make a record of it (e.g. hunting-for, immigrants-against). A table can then be drawn up to give you a weekly overview of direct feedback. A simple program should suffice, but it will have to be reasonably intelligent, otherwise you might get the idea that a policy of hunting immigrants will win you the next election.


Problem 9 - This Is Going To Cost Money

Well, it is - let's admit it. Even once we've filtered out all the garbage, you're going to have to bring some IT-savvy chaps in to deal with what's left. I would like to stress at this stage that the following isn't really my kind of my idea; it's usually yours:

Solution: Part-privatisation! Have opt-ins on the email entry page that allow those who say 'yes' to receive occasional promotional messages from you, your party, or from commercial parties who wish to buy your list. The database proposed above could even link in with this to group recipients from your growing mailing list according to location and/or interest. Hell, you could even sell a copy of the list to your mate Richard Desmond so he can send promotional emails out to increase readership of the Express, get more subscribers signing up for Asian Babes, or pull in a few extra viewers for his X-rated cable channel.


Well, there you have it. Please try to see past the occasional piss-take and dig out the useful content. (This kind of immature needling is necessary to entertain my audience. Now, if you’d given me a chance to contact you directly...)

Posted by: Manic at 18:30 

Mon, January 20, 2003
Here's an opinion piece on the recent (and quite ridiculous) extension of copyright for corporations, and here's a few words from Mickey Mouse himself.
UPDATE - And now, a word from the little people (again).
Posted by: Manic at 08:45 

Mon, January 20, 2003
Of course, you already know all about it, but just for the record: Anti-war demonstrators rally around the world and Saddam does his best to shit all over their efforts.
I have the feeling we're going about this the wrong way, folks. Perhaps we should appeal directly to the Iraqi people and do a deal. They oust Saddam, and we oust Bush. There'll be bloodshed, of course - but nobody said Bush was going to give up the White House without a fight.
UPDATE - And now, a word from the little people.
Posted by: Manic at 08:48 

Mon, January 20, 2003
Flash Games
Spacecab! Trust me, you'll like it. Or you'll be crap at it like me and decide suddenly that you hate it.
Posted by: Manic at 09:01 

Mon, January 20, 2003
Watch the video of Diana Ross's arrest.
Warning: It's pretty dull, and doesn't contain any of the fun stuff you would expect, like Lady Diana falling on here arse and singing; "Touuuuch me in the mor-*hic*-orrrning..."
Here - watch some 80's commercials instead.
Posted by: Manic at 09:04 

Mon, January 20, 2003
Seasoned court reporter sits through TV court show marathon. Verdict: TV Judges are nothing like real judges, and spend most of their time playing up to the camera.
Hard-hitting investigative journalism at its best, folks.
Posted by: Manic at 09:13 

Mon, January 20, 2003
Riding High on Blogdex
Is Saddam really trying to achieve nuclear capability? This recent document find would certainly suggest it. I saw part of the seizure on the news. The chap who owned the house said to camera - and I swear that this is true - that it was 'private research for a book.'

Posted by: Manic at 09:17 

Mon, January 20, 2003
Do dolphins and whales deserve their own nation and a place in the UN? This chap seems to think so.
Posted by: Manic at 09:21 

Mon, January 20, 2003
By now you're wondering where the next Blair Porn image is...
Well, to be fair, I said I was going to take it easy last week, but ended up producing an image every day (curse my overactive creative drive). I think it's only fitting that we give the folks at 10 Downing St a few days to catch up, don't you?
I have something special in mind on this front, but I need to get some work done first. Back soonish.
Posted by: Manic at 09:26 

Mon, January 20, 2003
Damn it!
Too much work.
Too much work.
Too much work.
That something special probably won't be published until tomorrow - but it is written and ready to go.
I'll try to get it live as soon as, but right now I'm busy knocking some placards together for a little gathering tomorrow.
Note to self: must try harder.
Posted by: Manic at 17:11 

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