Friday, April 29, 2005 

Has Anne blown her budget?

This is what the residents of Bramley are getting in place of the glossy pamphlets of yore:

What you're looking at is a double-sided A3 photocopy. On pink paper.

1. It's rubbish.
2. It's also dangerous. Anyone with access to a computer and photocopier could produce an alternative/parody version inside of an hour.


Wednesday, April 27, 2005 

25 years a nurse in the NHS

For some strange reason, Anne Milton's pamphlets have stopped arriving at my door. My neighbours all get them, but I don't. I can't imagine why.

Still, my neighbours are kind enough to share, and Anne publishes many of her pamphlets online (if not the ones mentioned on Newsnight that only reach certain areas where more challenging views on immigration are welcome) and one thing keeps returning as a (if not the) major reason why we should vote for Anne Milton:

"25 years a nurse in the NHS"

This same phrase appears verbatim in every bit of literature.

Now Anne herself has said: "I've spent a lot of my working life dealing with housing issues" - but you shouldn’t let this throw you off. For some time, Anne was working part-time as a nurse and two days a week with a housing association. And then she was a councillor for a bit. But she was still "25 years a nurse in the NHS" as far as we know, and no-one can take that away from her.


Those who are familiar with Anne know that she never, *ever* passes up a chance to big-note herself. So why no mention of being a Senior Nurse or Matron? Could it be that the strapline may just as well read; "25 years a private in the British Army"?

(Important: Nurses and soldiers do good and important work. As a long-time viewer of M*A*S*H, I know this to be true.)



Anything for a vote

On Tuesday, April 19th 2005, Anne Milton used her opportunity to address a public meeting at Guildford Baptist Church to make a deeply moving statement of faith.

I would remind Anne that Leviticus 19:11-12 reads as follows:

Do not lie.
Do not deceive one another.
Do not swear falsely by my name and so profane the name of your God.

During this campaign, Anne has lied. During this campaign, Anne has sought to deceive (1, 2, 3, 4).

And now, as part of her campaign, she has sworn falsely by the name of her God.



Anne who?

Once upon a time, there was a little girl by the name of Anne Turner. She played with the usual toys and grew up with a lust for power that is common in most children.

When she came of age, Anne married Neil Milton and took his name (which was the style at the time).

Sadly, the all-too-common spectre of marital discord cast a shadow over their happy union. Divorce was the result.

There are no records to indicate if Anne got the house or the car, but she did keep the name.

Not too long after this, an older and wiser Anne found happiness in the arms of Graham Henderson, who is described in her literature as; "Graham, a doctor"...

Graham is actually more of a consultant than a doctor, but the most curious thing to me appears to be that the 'Henderson' name isn't mentioned and Anne doesn't go by the name 'Anne Henderson' but 'Anne Milton'. Why?

It's not as if his name is Graham Scabcock or anything like that.

Perhaps Anne merely wished to keep the name from her previous marriage for personal reasons. Perhaps she didn't wish to be confused with the Anne Henderson who ran for local office in Bradford and West Yorkshire.

Personally, I think she should have jumped at the chance to go by the name 'Henderson'. Thanks to the lovely Florence, this name is associated with caring, loving, God-fearing mother-types that don't eat babies. Ever. Unless they're really, really hungry and Alice is all out of meatloaf.


Tuesday, April 19, 2005 

There's a place in the world....

Ooh, look! We filtered into the mainstream yesterday!

The Times - A strange case of espionage and warfare inside the commuter belt: A blogger has been having great fun outing party activists who are featured on Mrs Milton's leaflets as local people. "Politicians have to be very careful in this day and age," she said and muttered opaquely that it was possible to use a photograph inadvertently. "I'm not going to talk about this blogger. He's an angry young man."

Here I get to compare Anne Milton - quite fairly, I would think - to George W. Bush.

Y'see, a common tactic used by neo-cons in the US is to define those who oppose the many questionable actions and agendas of the Bush administration as 'Bush Haters'.

Why? because an angry man does not think straight. His mind is clouded to reason.

And Anne Milton has sought to fit me up as an angry young man since we first 'met'.

But it's just not the case, I'm sorry. It's just another example of Anne's reliance on misdirection and bulldust.

Sure, reading stuff like this makes me angry, but when I sit down to blog, my mind is clear and my face has two options:

1) The Mild Smirk
2) The Grin of a Loon

Perhaps Anne can begin working on the 'mentally unstable' angle. Blair makes good use of this to target ex-cabinet members who oppose his many sane initiatives. People like the 'somewhat peculiar' Robin Cook and that 'rather unstable' woman, Clare Short.



Superbugs and Super Anne

BBC - NHS anger over Tory MRSA claims: Hospital bosses have rounded on Tory leader Michael Howard after he leafleted thousands of homes quoting misleading figures about MRSA rates. In North Yorkshire, leaflets from Mr Howard claimed there had been 247 MRSA cases at the local hospital in the last year when there had only been six. Several other trusts have told the NHS Confederation similar misleading claims have been made about their MRSA rates. The Tories said they should have made clear these were regional figures. Leaflets have gone out to areas across the country which the Tories are targeting.

Well, what do you know? We're such an important seat to the Tories that we get a special full-page ad in the local paper (pictured above), which states that: Last year, 134 people caught MRSA from dirty hospitals in your area alone.

Now, when they say 'your area', what do you think they're referring to?

The constituency of Guildford? Nope. Go a little wider.

The county of Surrey? Nope, a little wider still.

StevieP informs us (under Comments here) that:

"Actually there were only 24 cases at the Royal Surrey with the majority of the quoted 134 cases coming from St Georges, Tooting (73 cases). Full details here (PDF). I know our Prospective Parliamentary Candidate comes from Reigate not Guildford, but Tooting isn’t even in Surrey."

He goes on to say:

"The '5,000 deaths' a year under Mr Blair banner headline is even more of a distortion, the figure comes from a National Audit Office 2000 report (PDF) and is based on U.S. figures from the mid-80's when Mr Howard not Mr Blair was in government."

The BBC clarify matters further here.

First, it's fear of foreigners. Now it's fear of disease. Surely it's only a matter of time before... whoops, too late: they've already had a go at fear of diseased foreigners. You've got to love the constant association of asylum and immigration, too. Further blur the line between asylum and terrorism and you've got a heady mix of fear. Over nothing.

Hell, posters have turned up in Guildford suggesting that we will all be murdered in our beds if we vote Lib-Dem. It's all less-than-subtle and very powerful stuff, but they're digging a serious hole for themselves.

So long as they stick with fear of disease, they can continue to insist that we "put Matron in charge" because that works in well with Anne Milton's claims of 25 years experience as a nurse... but if they come in heavy on fear of crime, surely they'll have to show that Milton has X number of years experience as a costumed vigilante with a burning desire for justice. And perhaps an invisible flying car. And a tight-fitting Kevlar jumpsuit that....

Ok, I'll stop there - but if this does turn out to be the case, you can rest assured that I will be studying her origin story very closely for continuity errors.

(Ooh, look! The perfect opportunity to slip in a plug for a local business. There could be some money in this...)


Friday, April 08, 2005 

Poster Project #1

OK, so I started cleaning up the shoddy Anne Milton image, when all of a sudden *I* got sick of looking at her face. So I popped over to my stats package for a little break and found something interesting in the referrals... Previously, this weblog only attracted 4-5 people a day who were looking for 'anne milton' in a search engine (this blog is the top search result for that query in Google, Yahoo and MSN).

That number has now gone up to 15-20 a day. And I think I know why. Driving around yesterday, I noticed a few posters for Anne Milton had started appearing in properties around Cranleigh and Guildford - and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how this idea occured...

People of Guildford, if you happen to live one house down from a property that features an 'Anne Milton' poster, I'd like to to erect one of our posters so people have access to all the information they require about this candidate.


1.Open these two files in your browser and print each image onto A4 paper:

2. Take these print-outs to your local post office, newsagent or public library and photocopy/enlarge them both to A3

3. Take the two A3 sheets and stick them to a piece of 600mmx420mm board

4. Erect this board in your front yard in such as way as to provide the resulting sequence as people drive/walk past from your neighbour's poster to yours:

Your finished poster should look like this:

And the final result should look like this:

Your neighbour may get a little stroppy with you and want to tear your poster down but, damn it, that's what ASBOs are for!



Qwality Werk

Something *else* that struck me about Anne's April newsletter was this shoddy cut-out of her in the MAIN PICTURE (!) inside the pamphlet:

Take a look at that hair-line, folks. It looks like the designer started half-heartedly and just gave up halfway through.

Maybe this designer didn’t think Anne was worth the trouble. Or perhaps they simply got sick of looking at her face.

Now, think about it, people. Anne wants to win this seat. Obviously if she wants to do this, she will be putting her best foot forward... but she regards this kind of work to be adequate for publication. *This* is her best foot going forward.

God help us if she's put in charge of anything of consequence!

(NOTE - I'll work on doing a proper cut-out of this later today, just to show Anne how it's done.)


Thursday, April 07, 2005 

Late changes to the April pamphlet

Hmm. Something else just popped up... why was this change necessary, do you think?

Current theories:

1. It's a pretty awful scan, but that *doesn't* look like Sue Doughty to me. Maybe the image was dropped because a caption change to 'Anne with some lady' didn't quite cut it.

2. If that is Sue Doughty, then perhaps her minders thought that a direct comparison would not work in Anne's favour.

3. Perhaps - just perhaps - they dropped this photo because a few moments after it was taken, Anne lost control and ate the toddler.

Anyone else?


Thursday, March 17, 2005 

Up-joined thinking it was, hrmmm....?

And now, an important message from Anne Milton, Yoda and the Conservative Party:


This wonderful photo (you can see more here) was taken when Anne Milton hit the streets to ask Guildford's commuters what they think of the rail service:

So... what do trains I think?

Privatisation be the problem making, I think. Problem be Conservatives caused by, I think also.

Words be spoke by Tim Yeo the former Shadow for Transport Minister being: "Railway privatisation, of which I have long been an enthusiastic supporter, is the first and long overdue step towards rebuilding a golden age of rail.."

But turning out that way they not turn out to be, yes?

Things be turning out as a pear all shaped.

So... what do trains I think?

I think shutting up Anne Milton should be.

What do trains you think?

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Tuesday, March 15, 2005 

Anne Milton: exploring the possibilities of astrological guidance

I think that perhaps I've been a little unfair about this whole star sign malarkey, so have decided to publish the personalised star charts (via Astrolabe) for the three major party leaders below in an effort to explore the possibilities of Anne finding and determining her own destiny via the stars.

(If Anne would care to get provide her own precise birth-date, I'd be happy to source and publish a combined daily horoscope that will allow her to determine the best days on which to press the flesh, draft press releases, tackle large issues, and perhaps even find love.)

One interesting thing to note about Tony Blair's star chart is that birth date. If the general election does take place on May 5, Tony will be celebrating his 52nd birthday the day after the election!


Name: Tony Blair
Born: May 6 1953 in Edinburgh, Scotland

Star Sign: Taurus

Rising Sign: in 17 Degrees Leo

You love to be the centre of attention and you want to appear strong, confident and dominant. You are very proud of yourself, sometimes quite vain even. When all around you are bedraggled and falling apart, you look like a million bucks! Very dignified and honourable, you enjoy the power and privilege, but not the responsibilities, that come with leadership. You are very idealistic but can also be quite stubborn. Others impress you only if they have integrity (but wealth, power and influence can also turn your head). You prefer rich, elegant surroundings and possessions, and will try to acquire them as your budget allows. Physically, you are very impressive - - at your best you have a regal, charismatic demeanour and bearing. Try not to be such a show-off!


Name: Michael Howard
Born (as Michael Hecht): July 7, 1941 in Llanelli, Wales

Star Sign: Cancer

Rising Sign: in 27 Degrees Virgo

You tend to be very shy and not very self-assertive. You are supercritical about how you appear to others. Even though you may think you are uninteresting and dull, you are actually quite soft- spoken, orderly, neat and very likable. You are a perfectionist with high standards, and at times you can be quite tactless in pointing out the faults of others. Very practical, efficient and purposeful, your appearance and bearing reflect your need to appear graceful, sensible and reserved. You have a crisp, no-nonsense approach to dealing with others. Never lazy or self-indulgent, you tend to be dedicated to the work ethic.


Name: Charles Kennedy
Born: November 25, 1959 in Inverness, Scotland

Star Sign: Sagittarius

Rising Sign: in 18 Degrees Capricorn

You are practical and reserved but very ambitious. An achiever and a hard worker, you respect success. Older looking and very serious as a youth, things lighten up and you relax more as you mature. You have a serious view of the world as being a difficult place to be in. Very envious of those who seem to have an easier life than you have, relaxation and play do not come easily. It is important that you had abundant parental support as a child so that you do not feel lonely and isolated as an adult. Generally, you have a good, earthy sense of humour that can carry you through when times really do get tough. You are purposeful, self-willed, industrious, realistic and responsible.



Monday, March 14, 2005 

Anne Milton: why this weblog exists

Anne Milton first came to my attention in the latter half of 2004, when posters and pamphlets first appeared giving me the following details about her qualifications...

Anne Milton: Nurse. Mother.

... and that's it. I remember being distinctly underwhelmed, but didn't see the point in making a big deal about it. (Nature abhors a vacuum - and I'm less than tolerant myself - but at this stage I was trying to set a good example for proxy-bloggers... so much so that I'd even eased up on Tim Yeo).

I later heard that subsequent pamphlets had gone one step further by revealing Anne's star-sign. I had a quiet chortle at that, but - again - let it go.

However... when someone from an 'independent survey company' called my home on behalf of Anne Milton and got uppity when I wanted to ask a few questions, I was a little bit peeved. When I emailed Anne Milton about it and she promised to 'investigate' but failed to mention (or perhaps 'discover') that this call came from a Tory party call-centre, I was well-and-truly miffed.

So, here I am with a brand new weblog. Its title:

Anne Milton: Nurse. Mother. Dipstick.

The plan is to focus a microscope on Anne Milton's campaign in an effort to find something - anything - of substance.

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About me

    Hi. I'm Tim. I live in Guildford. I've built a few political weblogs here and there. If you're wondering why I decided to start this particular blog, click here.


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