This entry was posted on
Thursday, November 7th, 2002 at
4:22 pm and is filed
under Consume!.

You can only imagine how devastated Michael Carroll must have been when he first learned that he had only won 9.7 million on the National Lottery. To have come that close to a significant monetary landmark only to fall a mere 300 grand short must have been a real kick in the guts.

Also, you must agree, it makes for a pretty pissweak headline. ‘Tagged Offender Wins 9.7 million!’ doesn’t have anywhere near the same pizzazz as ‘Tagged Offender Wins 10 million!’

The population of this country also requires this easy-to-remember figure in order to be able to quote it accurately whilst expressing outrage down at the bingo hall or in the local pub.

For this reason, we’re running a special campaign to help Michael make up the shortfall – and we want it to come out of your pocket. This will not only help Michael to reach that all-important 10-million landmark, it will also give you an easier number to remember – and further justification to vent your rage.

How much you give is up to you, but our target is 300,000 squid (and you’ll probably want to give an exceedingly generous amount so you can get a decent red mist going).

We suggest a donation amount of 25 pounds (as this is roughly the average amount spent each week by National Lottery players). If you can’t afford this, then perhaps you can simply choose to not play the lottery this week and instead send the amount you would otherwise have gambled directly to Michael.

After all, it’s not like you’re going to win or anything…

Where to send your donations:

This address has been removed on legal advice. More soon.

UPDATE (7th July 2004) – I’m sure you’ll all be delighted to know that an on-the-ball team of patent and trademark attorneys toils night and day to protect the good name of the National Lottery. In fact, they sent what was no doubt a rather expensive letter to my service provider (instead of, say, emailing me directly, which would have been far cheaper and much more polite). In their letter, they demanded that I remove the address of the National Lottery’s head office from this page; because they were concerned that you – the unwitting web user – would assume that this campaign was endorsed by the Camelot Group or some such nonsense.

For the record; no, this isn’t a serious fundraising effort on behalf of Michael Carroll. I should also point out – just so we’re all clear on this matter – that this web page which actually suggests that you shouldn’t waste your money on the National Lottery is in no way endorsed by the good people from the National Lottery.

However, it may appear to some people that lottery money has been spent (or perhaps even wasted) on this web page; courtesy of the good people at David Keltie Associates. (A copy of their letter has been posted below for your reference.)