Keep your eyes on the sideshow

This entry was posted on
Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
8:33 am and is filed
under Page 3 – News in Briefs.

Try not to think about the implausible claims of WMDs. Try not to balance these claims with the fact that we used WMDs on Iraqis.

We did – after all – bring democracy to that country!

What’s that I hear you say? The civilian death toll soared following that ‘mission accomplished’ moment? They’ve started to climb again since we saw the first purple-finger-of-hope thrust skywards?

Damn it, people – that’s because you’re not clapping hard enough!

Iraq would have been a complete success had we all believed in it. And – even though people are dying on a daily basis – it’s still a Good Thing.

George Bush: “Our troops are fighting these terrorists in Iraq so you will not have to face them here at home.”

Y’see? This is a Good Thing. We The insurgents turned Iraq into a terrorist hotspot (and, as we all know, all insurgents are terrorists), and we may have swept weapons into their hands, but this is still a Good Thing. If you look at it from a certain viewpoint. Like, say, from 6,000 miles away. Admittedly, the Iraqis may be less than pleased with this ‘central front’ brought to their doorstep, but – damn it – we brought them democracy!

Also, because we refused to tolerate the unlawful actions of a brutal dictator, we have – through our strength of will – brought them *justice*.

But you’re still not clapping hard enough. This is why we have to *show* you the good work that has been done by ‘accidentally’ leaking pictures of Saddam Hussein in his underwear and, today, expanding on the theme with a series of Pentagon-approved interviews with his guards…

The Sun – Sadd the sexist: Saddam Hussein is a sexist pig who believes wives should cook, clean and be kept in check by their husbands, his guards have revealed. The captured tyrant is also fanatical about cleanliness, loves crisps and Raisin Bran Crunch cereal, and is a fan of late US president Ronald Reagan. The fresh insight into the Butcher of Baghdad’s life as a prisoner was given by five US soldiers who have been his personal jailers at a secret military compound for nine months.

And, just in case any girly-men are reading…

The Sun – Don’t pity him: The picture painted of Saddam Hussein by his young captors is a misleading one. By telling the world that Saddam loves Raisin Bran Crunch, is friendly and talkative, and does his own laundry, there is a danger the former Iraqi dictator will be seen as Mr Nice Guy. He isn’t. He is a murderous maniac who killed hundreds of thousands of his own people without a trace of guilt, like a man swatting a fly. He defied the world by refusing to obey international law. Saddam got everything he deserved. He is not worthy of your sympathy.

And, just in case you *still* miss the point, we’ve got a handy boiled-down version served up with a side of naked breasts on Page 3

Today, Becky (24, from London) is fascinated by the insight into Saddam’s prison life. She says: “It’s incredible to hear about the world’s most notorious prisoner sitting eating Raisin Bran Crunch. The fact he’s obsessed with washing his hands isn’t surprising… it shows he has a guilty conscience.”

See? There you have it. The girl with the tits has spoken. We’ve caged the monster and fed him rabbit food. Saddam got his just desserts. Erm, even though it’s a breakfast cereal. Which goes to show you – once again – that this is a complicated issue that you cannot hope to fully understand.

Now stop thinking and start *clapping*, damn you!

About Tim Ireland

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