01-15 January, 2003

This entry was posted on
Wednesday, January 1st, 2003 at
8:48 am and is filed
under Uncategorized.

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Date
20030101

Time
08:48
The U.S. has begun torturing terrorist suspects. Techniques involve placing bags over suspect’s heads, making them sit/stand in awkward positions and depriving them of sleep. Sounds awfully familiar. Still, Dave Letterman seems happy to toe the line, so why should we be worried?

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Date
20030101

Time
08:59
Gaze in wonder at this Peanuts Tarot Deck.

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Date
20030101

Time
09:01
J.R.R. Tolkein gets the rock star treatment:

A recently ‘discovered’ handwritten translation and interpretation of Beowulf looks set to walk off the shelves in its published form. These secret diaries should also do well.

While we’re on the subject, it’s Tolkein’s birthday in a couple of days (mine too, but the papers always neglect to mention it).

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Date
20030101

Time
09:04
Seems to be the season for birthdays: Happy Birthday to the Internet.

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Date
20030101
Photoshopping
Time
09:12
Are we back with more? Yes, indeedy we are. A gallery update will follow soon (I might have another one up my sleeve today, so a new page seems to be in order).

“Do be careful with that, 007! It’s a fully primed thermal detonator with a 5 second fuse!”

Oh, and here’s some Star wars origami. Enjoy.

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Date
20030101

Time
09:16
Web ‘Game’ Allows Players to Create and Run Virtual Countries. As you no doubt suspect from watching Bush, yes it really is this easy.

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Date
20030101

Time
09:18
How to Write Like A Wanker.

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Date
20030101

Time
09:22
As chance would have it, I am thinking about getting more serious about my approach to art, but I draw the line at eating babies. Too many bones.

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Date
20030101

Time
09:24
Mariah Carey flashes fadge. And here, for no reason whatsoever, is a recipe for Whole Stuffed Camel.

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Date
20030101
Photoshopping
Time
12:46
My new year’s resolution is to be eligible to run for the Turner Prize. Sadly, to run for this year’s prize I would need to have major exhibition before May. Can’t do it. No time. Bummer.

So, I’m in for the long haul, which is good because I still have a fair way to go before I’m finished with this picture.

Oh, thanks go to Pope Nick for suggesting both of today’s well-overdue inclusions.

“I’m not *really* Princess Leia, honest. I was only pullin’ yer leg!”

(BTW, the gallery has now entered its 8th wonderful page. Glory be.)

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Date
20030102
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
09:27
The Mothers Against Videogame Addiction and Violence link that damn near topped the chart yesterday was a hoax. A nice one, too. Here’s the report.

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Date
20030102

Time
09:30
Here’s a wonderful list of new year’s resolutions, driven by blogs no less.

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Date
20030102

Time
09:33
Soldier of the Year wins supermarket trolley dash, heads straight for meat counter.

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Date
20030102

Time
09:35
This year’s List of Words Banished from the Queen’s English for Mis-Use, Over-Use and General Uselessness.

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Date
20030102
Photoshopping
Time
09:36
Sorry I’m running late this morning, BTW. I woke up with an overwhelming desire to ruin a perfectly good book and film.

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Date
20030102

Time
09:40
Diana Ross stopped for drunk driving. Better take this one with a grain of salt. The article states that ‘Ross was cooperative during the incident’, and I’m just not prepared to believe that.

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Date
20030102

Time
09:45
Enter the deluded and disturbing world of a Neil Diamond impersonator.

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Date
20030102

Time
09:47
Our quality of life peaked in 1974. If you’re from the U.S. don’t panic! This does not apply to you. Your quality of life peaked in 1968.

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Date
20030102

Time
10:05
“Most Americans see themselves as innocent victims in a world gone mad and believe, quite naively, that their government holds the moral high ground in its efforts to establish a Pax Americana worldwide. The facts, however, reveal the United States to be not only a part of the cycle of violence, but the largest exporter of death and destruction this world has ever known.”

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Date
20030102

Time
10:07
Another ship has hit that sunken tanker chock-full of BMWs.

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Date
20030102
Photoshopping
Time
15:07
I was going to save this one until tomorrow, but I figured you might need some extra cheering up today, what with being back at work and all.

“Seth, I’m telling you, I saw her signalling the stormtroopers!”

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Date
20030104

Time
08:04
It’s snowing!

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Date
20030104
Photoshopping
Time
08:35
Check out this Spanish discussion board for some reactions to The Star Wars Photoshopping Project. For added entertainment, you may care to run it through Babelfish.

“Attention to which some has mounted pibe with long free time… Vedlo and already you will say to me, because I do not have words to describe it.”

Heh.

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Date
20030106
Blogfast – Day One
Time
08:50
I think you’ll agree that this whole Tony Blair email thing has rattled on just about long enough. They promised to have this sorted out by the new year. It’s the new year. I have stuff to get on with and so does Tony.

So…

As of 9:00am on the 6th of January 2003, Bloggerheads is on strike. Until the folks at Number 10 Downing St can resolve this issue, there will be no bloggage. Instead, bloggage will be replaced by continued and relentless repeats of the picture that haunts my dreams.

If you wish to enjoy continued blog activity, you would do well to contact the chappies in Tony Blair’s office and inform them by mail or fax that you would much rather do so by email. You especially must do this if you live in another country – or even outside of London. I’d even go so far as to advise such far-flung folks to start their letter with the following statement:

“This letter reaches you from _______________. Getting it to you cost me _____. Please make a note of that figure and refer to it specifically in the paragraph of your reply that expresses your profound appreciation of my monetary sacrifice.”

Downing St request that you include your full postal address in any correspondence. That is all.

Snail Mail

Tony Blair

10 Downing Street

London

SW1A 2AA

Facsimile

0207 925 0918

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Date
20030106

Time
14:00
Funnily enough, I find myself in a political mood today. I saw all sorts of interesting sites about George, Jeb and the rest of their wonderful family this morning. I even found a very funny site aimed at American teens showing them how their government works (well, how it’s supposed to work). I’d provide the links, but… well, you know what the score is. Go tell it to Tony.

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Date
20030107
Blogfast – DayTwo
Time
12:11
No, this isn’t a joke, hoax or imaginary tale. I am on strike. No bloggage and this same damn picture again and again and again until Tony Blair comes good with a publicly available email address. Did you send your letter or fax yesterday? If not, today is the day.

Snail Mail

Tony Blair

10 Downing Street

London

SW1A 2AA

Facsimile

+44 (0) 207 925 0918

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Date
20030108
Blogfast – Day Three
Time
08:11
“Quite apart from that, it is massively in our self-interest to remain close allies. Bluntly there are not many countries who wouldn’t wish for the same relationship as we have with the US and that includes most of the ones most critical of it in public. But we should use this alliance to good effect. The problem people have with the US – not the rabid anti-Americans but the average middle ground – is not that, for example, they oppose them on WMD or international terrorism. People listen to the US on these issues and may well agree with them; but they want the US to listen back.”

Read Tony Blair’s speech in full here, then get writing and tell him to stop being such a goddamn hypocrite. Today, people. I want this email address up and running ASAP.

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Date
20030109
Blogfast – Day Four
Time
08:54
Strike action continues, but I can be brought to the negotiating table by a reply from 10 Downing St. If you still haven’t sent your letter or fax to ask Tony when his promised email address will be ready, then do so today. To-day.

Snail Mail

Tony Blair

10 Downing Street

London

SW1A 2AA

Facsimile

+44 (0) 207 925 0918

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Date
20030110
Blogfast – Day Five
Time
08:28
Yep, still on strike, and as frustrating for me as it is for you. What you need to do is put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboards) and get that letter written. I doesn’t need to say much, it just needs to include the all-important question:

“Exactly when will this promised email address be ready? Can you perhaps provide us with an expected delivery date?”

FaxYourMP notes a 40% response rate from Tony, so you may even get a nice letter back if you include your full name and address. I’ll be calling Number 10 today to try and get some straight answers. I hold hopes for a brighter and bloggier Monday.

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Date
20030110

Time
11:35
I’ve just talked to the folks what deal with this at 10 Downing St.

Thinking quite foolishly that I’d be able to get a straight answer, I was disappointed to be faced by repeats of their vague promise that it would be ready ‘early in the new year,’ but I did – eventually – manage to find out where they are with it.

No, I don’t have any specific dates, but when I pressed for details, I got the answer that they were still ‘evaluating the process.’ You know as well as I do that when – after all this time – they’re still sitting around talking about how it might be done, that this whole process could take weeks, if not months.

This facility exists for a number of world leaders. Perhaps they could drop a line to these IT departments in more advanced countries and ask them for some advice. They certainly don’t want to hear about any possible solutions from me.

So, where do we go from here?

1) Get back to blogging and trust that they’ll eventually deliver (perhaps even before the war starts).

2) Continue the strike, but this time with images of Tony Blair in pornographic poses.

I’m happy to stay on strike for as long as it takes, but what happens from here on will be decided by you, the union members. (Did you send your letters and faxes? I hope so. Downing St claims not to have seen any.)

Votes will be taken over the weekend by direct email.

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Date
20030111

Time
09:52
Thanks for your votes. We’re split right down the middle at this stage, so keep them coming.

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Date
20030113

Time
08:36
People are stupid.

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Date
20030113

Time
08:37
Store owner in walker shoots would-be robbers. He killed one and wounded the other with one shot from his trusty 12-gauge shotgun. And it’s not the first time this has happened, either…

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Date
20030113

Time
08:40
A juicy WTC conspiracy theory for you to chew on.

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Date
20030113

Time
08:42
The U.S. government has been spamming Iraqis, urging them to rat out their leader over hidden weapons of mass destruction, and disobey orders when it comes time to discharge them. Presumably it promises them a guaranteed financial reward and a larger penis in return.

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Date
20030113
Flash Games
Time
08:53
Play keepy-uppy in memory of Oolong, the finest balancing rabbit the world has ever known.

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Date
20030113
Tony Blair’s Email: The Porn Begins
Time
09:45
As you can probably tell, it’s a gloriously happy Monday morning with close to full bloggage. Voting from readers/members was 50-50 for most of the weekend, which meant that we couldn’t go forward in either direction without disappointing about half of you.

The options provided were as follows:

1) Get back to blogging and trust that they’ll eventually deliver (perhaps even before the war starts).

2) Continue the strike, but this time with images of Tony Blair in pornographic poses.

I must admit that we looked to be a no-win situation until I noticed that many folks voting for a return to work also expressed an interest in Blairporn, and that many who voted for a continued strike action did so mainly because Blairporn came with the package.

Added to this was the fact that I’ve yet to talk to a real person at 10 Downing St.

No matter what I do or how I approach the situation, I always seem to end up talking to an on-message flunky in the press office or someone-or-other in charge of communications. The last such person tried to offer some comfort by assuring me that she could see the IT department from where she was sitting, but this still doesn’t put me directly in touch with the person in charge of the project, now does it? At best, I can hear them playing Bullshit Bingo in the background.

When will this email service be delivered? Are they having any problems? Can I help? I can’t ask any of these questions and have them answered intelligently until I speak to someone in charge.

So far, I’ve tried to be pretty reasonable about this. I’m in command of most top search results pertaining to Tony Blair’s email address. Free email-to-fax services exist that would allow me to immediately provide a well-publicised ‘email Tony Blair now’ service that is sure to overload their fax machines within a day. I haven’t done this. Yet.

But…

The deletion of all remaining emails in my possession will be going ahead as planned in a about a week or so. (There’s a special surprise in store on this front, so do stay tuned for details…)

Additionally, the regular production of Blairporn begins today. We’ll start slowly with a few gentle barbs aimed at Tony. His office should be advised that these images will become increasingly pornographic until I get some real answers from the project leader who’s supposed to deliver this long-overdue email address.

Further, readers of this weblog will be requested to forward these charming images to friends and colleagues. Once each image is released in such a way, it will remain in the public domain pretty much forever. For-ev-er. No matter how many demands they send to have such images removed from this site or any other that cares to host it, they will continue to bounce from inbox to inbox and there won’t be a bloody thing they or I will be able to do about it.

Finally, if there’s a pronounced delay to a real reply from 10 Downing St, we start on Cherie (though we’ll probably kick in with the email-to-fax service before we stoop so low as to target Euan).

Because I’m such a nice chap, I’m going to hang back until this afternoon before publishing the first image, which I’ve just spent the last half-hour producing. I’m sure you’ll like it. It has a simplistic charm combined with a carefully-layered political message.

They’ve got my number. I’m hoping they’ll call.

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Date
20030113

Time
09:50
Heh. Something very interesting just dove into my inbox. One of our readers has received a reply. By email, no less. It clearly shows the interim service Number 10 has been using while the IT team get their act together.

Are you ready for this?

It’s Hotmail.

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Date
20030113

Time
12:40
It’s the afternoon. Shall we try and be fair and wait until around 2:00pm?

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Date
20030113

Time
14:01
I called Downing St. I left a message. I gave them this URL. I gave them my phone number. 4 hours ago. I would consider that to be fair warning, wouldn’t you?

Here’s the first picture, as promised.

You’ll probably want to see the larger version, so you can forward it to friends and colleagues. Actually, this first one is pretty suitable for most of the family, too (but they are going to get steadily worse as time goes by).

Tell you what; I’m in a good mood, so the first reader to email me and explain the full significance of this wonderful picture will get a free book.

UPDATE – We have a winner! Quite a few folks came close by pointing out that Asian Babes is a publication owned by media magnate and Labour party donor Richard Desmond, but Dave was first to recognise the lady on the front cover as Wendi Deng, wife of Rupert Murdoch.

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Date
20030114
Riding High on Blogdex
Time
08:26
The link to this image is doing well on Blogdex. I’ve also been sent copies of this same image by 5 different people in one morning. Not that that’s a bad thing, it just doesn’t have any nudity is all…

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Date
20030114

Time
08:29
One of the finest news weblogs on the planet has just turned 5 years old. Happy Birthday to The Obscure Store.

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Date
20030114

Time
08:31
Give a gift that keeps on boinking.

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Date
20030114

Time
08:32
I’d better take it slow on these Tony Blair images, or I might end up like this poor soul.

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Date
20030114

Time
08:33
City Bans Smelly People From Buses. But smelly food is OK?

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Date
20030114

Time
08:35
Have you ever wondered how and when the U.S. policy of war on Iraq was set?

I must say, it’s refereshing to see an increasing amount of common sense filtering through the media at last. So, who’s marching in the anti-war protest in Washington this Saturday? (Erm, and would you like some naughty pictures of Bush and Blair for your protest banners?)

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Date
20030114

Time
08:44
OK, I have to settle in in do a Tony picture. If you like, you can use this time to nominate Bloggerheads for the Photobloggies. Back soon.

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Date
20030114
Tony Blair’s Email: The Blair Porn Project
Time
10:55
Sorry that took so long. I had a number of page updates to do and needed to create a target page for the Blair Porn Project.

(Oh, I managed to sneak in some real work while I was about it, too.)

Our second image pretty much sums up the United Kingdom’s ‘special relationship’ with the United States.

Please note the inclusion of a nipple in keeping with our promise of steadily increasing naughtiness.

I should also note for the record that images will be created regularly, but not always daily. We want to give the poor folks at Downing St a chance to keep up, now don’t we?

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Date
20030114

Time
11:54
Editor David Yelland ‘moves on’ from The Sun. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

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Date
20030114

Time
12:21
The Mirror newspaper is planning a Valentines Day stunt where two lucky readers will be married in editor Piers Morgan’s office. For this to happen legally (if not tastefully), The Mirror Group have had to apply for a licence to hold marriage services at this specific location.

Private Eye helpfully points out that the conditions of this licence state that the venue must be made ‘regularly available’ for civil marriages – which means that anyone resident in the UK (or Wales) can apply to get married there… but you’ll probably want to do so before February 14th, when the usefulness of this licence comes to an end and rejection is sure to follow.

If you’re planning on getting married in a civil ceremony soon and would like to hold it in this sumptuous office offering knockout views of London, then get your ducks in a row quick-smart and apply to the address below:

Piers Morgan

Editor’s Office

Daily Mirror

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London E14 2BG