Guido, the Monkey, and the elephant’s trunk

This entry was posted on
Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
11:04 am and is filed
under Tolerance.

Blood & Treasure and Never Trust a Hippy have also expressed their distaste at the inaugural/beta ‘Guido & The Monkey’ podcast. The latter link is especially interesting, as the comments contain the oft-repeated sleep-enhancing defence from Recess Monkey that the broadcast was satire and not gossip (along with the suggestion that the offending blogger might be a racist because he once linked to Doogle).

This, the primary defence (so far), assures us all that the podcast also contained references to Lembit Opik being hit by an asteroid and MI5 arranging to kidnap Leo Blair. Therefore the double-paedo joke can be dismissed as satire.

(Though, strangely, the items about the Oaten outing have clearly been categorised by Recess Monkey as ‘gossip’. Oh, and Guido’s initial defence was ‘tittle-tattle’ was what we should expect from him, so please shut the hell up.)

Guido & Recess Monkey appear to have gotten this ‘satire’ story straight from late Monday afternoon onwards. Also, Guido (Mr ‘Never Explain! Never Apologise!’) backed off from his ‘scoop’ claims and instead seems to be suggesting that their gossip satire just happened to pass from the podcast to Popbitch, then to NOTW. (See comments here, where the ‘you should expect tittle-tattle’ defence makes a repeat appearance.)

Let’s go to the podcast, then…

Following a claim from Recess Monkey that Charles Kennedy once took an unscheduled trouser-dump whilst in a state of inebriation (gossip, in other words), Guido came out with yet more gossip; “I do remember about three years ago, a cleaner in Portcullis House… finding over the summer, a shitty pair of pants and a hard helmet in an MPs desk drawer.”

From here it moved to a suggestion that the pants belonged to Charles Kennedy. Finally, we hit what might pass as a meagre seam of unrefined satire… but gossip formed the bulk of the piece. And Mark Oaten was *not* mentioned in the poo-piece; he was only mentioned in the paedo-pieces. Nevertheless, it was the poo-piece that filtered through Popbitch and – having been edited by someone who monitored the discussion on the boards – made it to the most recent Popbitch newsletter in this form:

What people are asking this week

Which Lib Dem wannabe leader used to be
a regular visitor to a brothel in Paddington
where he used to pay girls to shit in their
knickers for him, and would then put the
dirty pants in his briefcase and take them home?

Girls? Ick.

Now, on the subject of ‘ick’, there seems to be a level of ‘certainty’ about poo-games, mainly due to NOTW going to print with the fill-in-the-blanks claim that Mark Oaten; “got the rent boys to humiliate him with a bizarre sex act too revolting to describe”.

Blood & Treasure have expressed doubts about the subsequent poo-rumours, as any specific assumptions of this nature are based on a very old piece of gossip. Guido & Recess Monkey both note the vintage of this rumour in the offending podcast.

Still, smoke is smoke, fire is fire and poo is funny. But the hamster hints work in well with Recess Monkey’s continued reference to the ex-shadow-cabinet member as “Mark ‘Hamster’ Oaten” and…. Oh, it’s all so confusing. It’s almost as if someone is gossiping so much that – sooner or later – they are bound to hit poo-dirt.

No matter. It does nothing to change this:

When Guido asked us of the podcast; ‘Did it hint enough?’ he claimed to be acting with foreknowledge of at least some aspect of the Oaten story when recording it. And the possibility that he might have equated homosexuality with child molestation did not occur to him, or did not occur to him as a priority… even after the fact.

Did he say; “Given the revelation that Mark Oaten is bisexual, the paedo-jokes may have been ill-advised.”…. ?

No, he did not. Instead he spent most of Monday morning having a go at the ‘politically correct crowd’.

Did he say; “We didn’t know it was Oaten who liked brown and sticky souvenirs… too bad we wasted all our time telling paedo-jokes about him.”…. ?

No, he did not. Instead he and the Recess Monkey seemed to gloat that there was no way that Oaten would be able to sue them.

Now, is this because it’s perfectly legitimate in their view to infer that being homosexual/bisexual automatically makes you a paedophile? After all, the only references to Mark Oaten in this podcast related to his alleged status as a kiddie-fiddler.

Is it perhaps that they are now free-and-clear on the poo-game claims? Erm, good luck with that one. The relevant claims in the podcast included no reference to Mark Oaten. Oh, and these claims have not made it to print and have not been admitted to by Mark Oaten. Oh, and Charles Kennedy may be wanting a word with them about Monkey’s earnest claim that he once soiled himself whilst inebriated.

Is it maybe that Mark Oaten is in a vulnerable position and so – while being technically able to sue – is unlikely to do so? Bingo. I think we’re on a winner here – but none of these scenarios have Guido and Recess Monkey coming out smelling like roses.

As many people noted even before the Oaten outing, making repeated suggestions – without grounds – that someone is a paedophile is itself more than a little bit off… and quite possibly actionable.

And, for the record, you do *not* have to be a hand-wringing leftie to – upon discovering that a man is homosexual/bisexual and/or has been outed as such – immediately think that making paedo jokes about that individual just a few days before *may* have been just a *tad* unfortunate.

Inferring – even accidentally – that being homosexual makes you a paedophile is totally unacceptable.

One would expect – at least – that this would (a) occur and then (b) prompt an apology after the fact.

But this thought didn’t appear to occur to either of them. Further, they both seemed confident enough to boast about having played a role in Oaten’s outing.

No fear, no regret, no mention.

It is possible to be a homophobe and be blissfully unaware of it, you know.

(UPDATE – Even better, Guido seems to think that his best defence on this front is outing a homophobe.)

Sadly, even if Jarndyce is spot on with his ‘Scenario One’ (that Guido is having himself on about the ‘scoop’), the damage is done. Monday’s sexperts have already shown their true colours and their behaviour – not only in the podcast, but in the brag, attack and defence that followed – casts them in an extremely negative light. Even an admission or correction will – at this stage – be too little, too late.

Not that I think you should expect such a thing. That would be a sign of ‘weakness’, you see.

No, best to carry on as if all is right and good. And if anyone brings it up again, you can dismiss it as old news. Or perhaps fire a shot or two at the messenger.

In other words, the ‘champions’ of political mockery/accountability are playing Blair’s game.

Speaking of which…. if Guido and Recess Monkey really want to impress us, they can stop stomping on minnows and instead take on sharks like Blair and Straw; politicians who seem to think that it’s acceptable to have broken bottles inserted into rectums in order to ‘win’ the ‘war’ on terror.

Come on, fellas! This story has legs, appeal, importance, *and* bum-fun! How can you ignore it?

Surely someone with your connections and willingness to ‘take on’ politicians can dig up one document or another and publish without fear?


Now, is that because you lack the will, the connections, or the guts?

Inquiring minds want to know.

(PS – The link to Guido’s blog has now been removed from my nav-bar. There are quite a few people under ‘associates’ that I don’t always see eye-to-eye with, but when I say ‘unacceptable’ I mean ‘unacceptable’…)

UPDATE – doctorvee – Oaten blogging roundup/timeline

About Tim Ireland

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