Archive for the ‘Karaoke’ Category

Posted by Tim Ireland at September 15, 2021

Category: Karaoke

A haunting but hopefully not-too-horrible take on Bob Seger’s ‘We’ve Got Tonite’ (equally famous as ‘We’ve Got Tonight’ by Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton). Nothing too graphic, just a bit spooky is all. Maybe a smidgen of cannibalism and face-peeling, but nothing entirely untoward.

‘Screaming Ghost’ firelighters by fireburngood.com

LYRICS – ‘Why Don’t You Scream?’, the Spooky version of We’ve Got Tonight

Sung to the tune of ‘We’ve Got Tonite’ by Bob Seger.

I know it’s late
I know you’re weary
I know your plans
don’t include me

Still, here we are
down in the basement
Or maybe a shelter
cellar, or dream

What is your hurry?
No one can hear, girl
Call on your cheer squad!
Bring out your team!

We’ve got tonight
There’s no tomorrow
We’ve got tonight, baby
Why don’t you scream?

I’ve watched you sleep
I’ve watched you changing
Haunted your children
Into their teens

I’ve longed for lungs
Like everyone else does
Or maybe some liver
With fava beans

So there it is girl
You’ve done it all now
Running through quicksand
Falling for me

We’ve got tonight
There’s no tomorrow.
We’ve got tonight, baby
Why don’t you scream?

I know it’s late
I know you’re weary
I know your plans
They don’t include me
Still here we are
We both need our mother
I mean ‘another’

We’ve got tonight
There’s no tomorrow
Cut off your mask, baby
Peel at the seams

Turn out the lights
Run, by all means
I’ve got this knife, baby
Why don’t you scream?

I’ve got this knife, baby
Why don’t you scream?








Posted by Tim Ireland at March 29, 2021

Category: Karaoke

I’ve been looking for the right vehicle for these educational couplets for a while now, and the moment I recalled Bruce Springsteen crooning the words ‘Hey little girl, is your daddy home?’ I knew I wanted to burn this song down and start again.

Lyrics below the fold. There’s also an extra ‘no lyrics’ version just below the karaoke video if you feel like spacing out and watching hearts burn for a few minutes. This piano cover of I’m On Fire is by Neil Archer.

KARAOKE VIDEO

INSTRUMENTAL ONLY

LYRICS – You’ve Got Fire

(Sung to ‘I’m on Fire’ by Bruce Springsteen)

Hey, bright sparks, remember this
Every fire starts with pyrolysis
Oh yeah
It’s what’s required
Oh, ho, ho if you want fire

All molecules break down in heat
Into the things combustion eats
Oh yeah
Here’s what’s required:
Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

I’m telling you the source of fire’s heat
Is when two atoms like to meet
Oh yeah
It’s what’s required
Oh, ho, ho if you want fire

The heat of a fire is released when
Hot carbon meets with oxygen
Oh yeah

That heat goes higher
Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

You see photosynthesis
Takes sun like it should
And it grows solar batteries
Made out of wood

The energy will stay stored in there
Until you apply heat and air
Oh ho

It’s what’s required
Oh, ho, ho
if you want fire

The flames above that fire’s soul
Are floating oxidising coals
Oh yeah
Watch them float higher
Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire

Heat, fuel, air
You’ve got fire








Posted by Tim Ireland at March 18, 2021

Category: Karaoke

Nazis specifically and racists generally will hate this song, but hating is what they do, and there’s not a lot I can do about that other than try to educate them.

The differences between us are cultural and cosmetic, and the only thing that can make you less human is abandoning your humanity (e.g. by somehow thinking you are better than other humans).

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – Chariots of Fire: the ‘We Love Being British’ version

(Sung to ‘Chariots of Fire’ by Vangelis)

Britons!
Britons!
Britons!
Britons!

We love being British
We love being free
We love being British
We love it like tea

Though some will like coffee
And some will be black
And some will be mocha
You know that’s a fact

And some will love someone else’s god
And some will love none
And you need to be OK with that
‘Cause there’s nothing wrong

And there’s nothing wrong with Britain now
That it can’t be fixed
But you must be strong and understand:
Results will be mixed

Results will be mixed, dear
Results will be mixed
Results will be mixed, dear
Results will be mixed

If that has you triggered
And fearing you’ll die
Or merely embittered
You’re living a lie.

‘Cause some will love someone else’s god
And some will love none
And some will love all of humankind
And some, just the one

And there’s nothing wrong with Britain now
That it can’t be fixed
But you must be strong and understand:
Results will be mixed

Results will be mixed, dear
Results will be mixed
Results will be mixed, dear
Results will be mixed

Results will be mixed, dear
Results will be mixed
Results will be mixed, dear
Results will be mixed

Britain!
Britain!
Britain!








Posted by Tim Ireland at March 9, 2021

Category: Karaoke

Life in a Northern Town by The Dream Academy always reminded me of The Four Yorkshiremen Sketch, so I finally smooshed them together and here we are.

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘The Four Yorkshiremen Sketch version’ of ‘Life in a Northern Town’

(Sung to ‘Life in a Northern Town’ by The Dream Academy)

Who’d a thought back when we
Would be happy with cups of tea
Without sugar or milk for me
Or tea

You were lucky you had a cracked cup
We drank from newspapers we had rolled up
We sucked on a damp cloth or mop
Ohhhh!

Ah hey oh ma ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey oh ma ma ma hey-y-yah

Life in a hole in t’ ground
Ah hey ma ma ma ma

We were happy because we were poor
We were happy and living indoors
A family of twenty or more
With nothin’

You were lucky you had any floors
We lived in a corridor
We lived in a hole underground
With tarpaulins
(Yeah yeah!)

Ah hey oh ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey oh ma ma hey-y-yah

Life in a hole in t’ ground
Hey ma ma ma ma
Ah hey oh ma ma
Ah hey oh ma ma hey-y-yah

All t’mills shut down

We’d dream of a corridor
The luxury of a floor
But we were all way too poor
And LUCKY!

We lived in a lake, it were bleak
In a brown paper bag with a leak
Working at mill all week
All week

Ah hey oh ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey oh ma ma hey-y-yah

Life in a hole in t’ ground
Ah hey oh ma ma ma
Ah hey oh ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey oh ma ma hey-y-yah

You try and tell kids now!

Ah hey oh ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey oh ma ma hey-y-yah

Life in a hole in t’ ground
Ah hey oh ma ma ma
Ah hey oh ma mommy doo-din-nie-ya
Ah hey oh ma ma hey-y-yah

You try and tell kids now!








Posted by Tim Ireland at February 18, 2021

Category: Karaoke

I was but a child when I first saw a grown woman dressed as a boy and felt strange feelings that had nought to do with wire work.

This song was years in the making but took two minutes to write.

(Sandy, if you’re reading this, I’m a responsible adult and my feelings for you are respectful and chaste. I can’t speak for the 9-year-old beast inside me, but I’m deeply appreciative of the years you put into your entertainment career, and I hope you’re enjoying your retirement in happiness and good health.)

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘Dear Sandy Duncan’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘Lady D’Arbanville’ by Yusuf/Cat Stevens)

My dear Sandy Duncan
Why do I feel these feels?
How are you so elfin?
Are you for real, for real?
Are you for real, for real?

My dear Sandy Duncan
Go flying in your tights
Straight on until morning
Meet a wild boy tonight
A wild boy tonight

My dear Sandy Duncan
Your smile haunts my dreams
Surrounded by Muppets
Love bursting at the seams
Love bursting at the seams

My dear Sandy Duncan
You never brought us shame
You lived with the Hogans
Until they took your name
Until they took your name

My dear Sandy Duncan
Our Star Spangled Girl
The loveliest lady
In the entire world
In the entire world

La la la la la la
la la la la la la
La la la la la la
la la la la la la
la la la la la la

My dear Sandy Duncan
Why do I feel these feels?
How are you so elfin?
Are you for real, for real?
Are you for real, for real?

My dear Sandy Duncan
Come flying in your tights
Straight on until morning
Meet this wild boy tonight
This wild boy tonight

I love you, dear Sandy
Come flying in your tights
Straight on until morning
Meet this wild boy tonight
This wild boy tonight








Posted by Tim Ireland at February 16, 2021

Category: Karaoke

Steve Austin was forced to do work as a secret agent and he clearly resented it, but the government would often remind him that he owed them 6 million dollars… after their plane fell out of the sky and they rebuilt him using experimental bionic parts.

That never made sense to me. The first thing I would do with my bionic right arm is punch a certain secret government agency right in the face before leaving a Steve-Austin-shaped hole in the wall.

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘The Six Million Dollar Man’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘The Edge of Reality’, as performed by Elvis Presley)

Oh I can hear Steve Austin running
Faster than humans can

He is the cyborg of the future
The Six Million Dollar Man

I heard them say
‘We can make him better,
Science says we can’

‘A better, stronger, faster Steven’
The Six Million Dollar Man

Oh the Six Million Dollar Man
He runs fast as autos can
And has a bionic right arm
Oh the Six Million Dollar Man
His butt has a turbo fan
His pants an electric alarm

‘Gentle-men, we can rebuild him.’
‘Atomic legs and hand’

And oh my lord, they just took his eyeball!
He’s the Six Million Dollar Man!!

Oh the Six Million Dollar Man
He crashed when it all began
Technology cost him his soul
Oh the Six Million Dollar Man
His brains are a custard flan
He woke up and lost all control

Oh Steve escaped from the lab at midnight
This wasn’t in the plan!

If he returns, he may destroy us
The Six Million Dollar Man!








Posted by Tim Ireland at February 9, 2021

Category: Karaoke

Did you know that David Bowie wrote his own lyrics to this tune made famous in the English speaking world by Frank Sinatra (via lyrics by Paul Anka)? Great story. I won’t spoil it.

Bowie wrote about a fool who learns to love. My lyrics are about the blue crabs of Chesapeake Bay and their struggle with pollution or just getting ahead in life when they can only go sideways. I guess we each have different outlooks.

If you live near to Chesapeake Bay (or ANY watershed), here are 8 simple things you can do to restore the river and save the bay. If you like, you can also help the Chesapeake Bay Foundation maintain their mission toward a restored Bay, rivers, and streams for today and generations to come.

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘Sideways’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘My Way’, as performed by Frank Sinatra)

And now
The bay is near
To crisis point
One thing is certain

My friends
The waters clear
When folks take care
And throw less dirt in

To live a life that’s full
We need our bay
To be more OK

We cry
I’ll tell you why
I’ll tell you
sideways

Phosphorus
And nitrogen
And algae blooms
And microplastics
We need
Solutions now
Both incremental
And somewhat drastic

And why
I hear you cry
Why should I care
About a mere bay
And I
I will reply
I live there
Side
ways

For I’m a crab!
I’m sure you knew
And I’m delicious
In soup
or in stew
They eat me straight
Out of my shell
But if you do
not cook me well
You will be seized
With lung disease
And you’ll go sideways!

And now
That it’s low tide
If you sit still
You may just meet us
But please
I’ll ask you once
And oh so nicely
Maybe don’t eat us
For we’re
No mere entrees
We are the blue crabs
Of Ches-a-peake Bay
We do
Do things like you
But do them
Sideways

For I’m a crab
What have I got?
My life ahead
And that is a lot
But I can’t see
And cannot reach
What lies before
Us on the beach
It’s just not fair
Trash everywhere
And it’s all
Sideways








Posted by Tim Ireland at February 3, 2021

Category: Karaoke

I want to be clear that Patton Oswalt is to blame for this: he totally started it with this joke about Marjorie Taylor Greene’s belief in a Jewish conspiracy to ignite forest fires with an orbital laser.

The only way to get an ear-worm out of your head is to sing the song to its conclusion… so first, I had to write the song. And now here we are. Patton, please think about these things before you say words out loud on Twitter, please and thank you.

Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘Jewish Space Laser’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘Paperback Writer’ by The Beatles)

(Jewish Space Laser)

In low Earth orbit
Is a satellite
It can start forest wildfires
Day or night
You don’t start fires with a Men-or-ah
Or the Ark of the Covenant
You have to use a Jewish Space Laser
Jewish Space Laser!

It’s a sci-fi chapter of The Protocols
And a sure-fire way for us to take control
They caught us interfering with election mail
So we lit up the candidates
We hit them with our blazing stargazer
Jewish Space Laser!
(Jewish Space Laser!)

In a thousand years, give or take a few
We’ll be taking over, yes we do mean you
We didn’t stutter, we just globalised
And the proof’s in orbit
You just have to see our Jewish Space Laser
Jewish Space Laser!

Beware of liars, they will take your rights
They will hijack democracy overnight
You don’t ignore right-wing coup attempts
Even if they’re crazy
And believe in things
like Jewish Space Lasers
Jewish Space Lasers!

Jewish Space Laser
(Donald Trump: loser!)

Jewish Space Laser
(Donald Trump: loser!)

Jewish Space Laser
(Donald Trump: loser!)








Posted by Tim Ireland at February 2, 2021

Category: Karaoke

A classic ‘it fell out of the side of my head’ song. I heard the words ‘The A-Team’ sung to ‘The Love Boat’ in my head for reasons I struggle to explain, and a few minutes later this song existed.

And now it is yours to enjoy. Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – The Love Boat Theme (The A-Team version) by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘The Love Boat’ by Charles Fox and Paul Williams)

War
There’s no war any more
Just an endless chase
Towards friendly shores

Where
Face
Won’t face any pain
B.A. won’t have to fly
Murdock won’t be insane

The A-Team
Hannibal’s hatching another plan
The A-Team
Somewhere they’re
sticking it
to the man

Four bold soldiers of fortune,
A mercenary team for hire

Their
Guns
Won’t hurt anyone
They will flip your jeep
It won’t harm you none

But love
They will kill you with
Loooooove








Posted by Tim Ireland at January 28, 2021

Category: Karaoke

Jim Henson was a genius; his gentle soul spoke to us through both Kermit the frog and Rowlf the dog, and this song is about the moment when Rowlf and Kermit first met, and aspiring to be all you can be in a lovely shade of green*.

(*There’s a metaphor involved here: please do not rush out and join The Army.)

These lyrics began as a soulless and silly little ditty about tadpoles, but from the moment I pictured Rowlf sat behind a piano in a swamp singing to Kermit, the song grew a heart all by itself, and told me a new story about how The Dog met The Frog.

ALL of that was inspired by Jim Henson, his beautiful soul, and his lifetime mission to educate us in joy. Lyrics below the fold.

LYRICS – ‘Amphibians’ by Tim Ireland

(Sung to ‘Piano Man’ by Billy Joel)

It’s nine o’clock at The Lily Pad
Regular crowd’s hoppin’ in
An irregular bought my usual
I’m a dog,
he’s a frog,
and that’s gin

He says ‘Rowlf, can you pound out a note or two?’
I’m not really sure what that means

I escaped from the pound
It was bringing me down
When humans were controlling me

(Oh)
Da da da de de da
Da da de de da
da da

We ache for legs
Like amphibians
Growing, by painful degrees
But then what could be worse
Can be learned here, in verse:
It’s to give up, and never be free

See, Kermit the frog
is a friend of mine
He gets me my gigs for free
And he’s not very big
and his girlfriend’s a pig
And there’s someplace that he’d rather be.

He said ‘Rowlf, I believe this is killing me’
As the smile ran away from his hand
‘Well I’m sure that I could host The Muppet Show,’
‘If you would join Animal’s band’

(Oh)
Da da da de de da
Da da de de da
da da

Now Robin is a frog and a relative
A tadpole but who really cares
If he thinks that it’s child’s play
Does everything halfway
He’ll always be stuck on those stairs

When that frog in your throat screams for destiny
You must croak with the pondlife or shout
So let’s lay out our tongues
Or come cough up a lung
And turn all your guts inside out

(twinkle instrumental)

It’s a pretty good crowd, for a sewer day
And the old frog he gives me a smile
From the end of a rainbow
Like a fried green tomato
We sit and get legless awhile

And the swampland it sounds like a carnival
And the water, it smells like faeces
But they leap from their pads
And they’re all really glad
Just to be an amphibian species

We ache for legs
Like amphibians
Growing, by painful degrees
But what would be wrong
As you’ll learn from this song
Is to give up, and never be free








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