Archive for the ‘Consume!’ Category

Posted by Tim Ireland at February 26, 2009

Category: Consume!, It's War! It's Legal! It's Lovely!, The Political Weblog Movement, Updates

It’s been a year since I smoked my last cigarette. I know that I’m never going back.

1. Stay away from cigarettes, kids! Be cool like your Uncle Tim and stick to the candy fags.

2. If you’re addicted to nicotine and you live in the UK Try. The. NHS. Stop. Smoking. Service. It’s bloody brilliant.

3. Bite me, Philip Morris. And your little dog, too. That’s £1650 you’ll never see. Fear my hearty laughter. Mwahahaha. And so on.

4. ‘Zero’ is the most perfect of all numbers. There should be more of it.

OK, job done. Back to the grindstone.

PS – Yay, Tom: Government levels the playing field for Open Source … oh, and thanks again for the NHS, and for the smoke-free environments, just in case that didn’t come across. Now, can we maybe tidy up this torture nonsense? Please? I’d be able to enjoy all of these benefits a lot more if they didn’t come at the cost of some poor soul having their genitals mutilated. It’s putting me off my tea.

Posted by Tim Ireland at January 13, 2009

Category: Consume!

I’d like you to meet Tom, who has started his own South West Trains diary. Good luck to you, Tom!

I should maybe restart with one of my own; on Monday I witnessed a train splitting and one half departing Guildford station without a shunter or platform guard present. I would’ve complained at the manager’s office, but it was empty.

The shunters were, according to a peeved driver, in the staff room playing Xbox or something; they certainly weren’t being held up on any of the other platforms or doing any work.

I called the SWT helpline… and they didn’t believe me!

Bunch. Of. Jobsworths.

Posted by Tim Ireland at January 13, 2009

Category: Consume!

Craig Murray has stuck two fingers up at Schillings and Tim Spicer and offered his latest book as a free download. He has even invited others to host the relevant file and repeat the offer, ensuring that by now the cat is out of the bag, over the horizon, and busy multiplying.

Details are here if you need them.

I am going to humbly submit that those who can afford to do so actually buy a copy from Craig, and you can do so here.

Posted by Tim Ireland at January 5, 2009

Category: Consume!

In an effort to temporarily escape the nonsense of thin-skinned liars, right-wing drunkards and assorted mouth-breathers, I recently took to reading magazines that pre-dated even Paul Staines’ 1986 adventures with the BNP… but I was a fool to think that this would shield me from the freaky underworld of absurd demands and retractions.

Take a look at this massive half-page item from the April 23, 1983 issue of Eagle that addresses a great injustice done in the single frame of an earlier issue where a fictional superhuman robot manages to pick a domestic door lock:

Manix vs. ASSA

Incidentally, ASSA ABLOY no longer sell locks. Instead – stand by to tip the Eye – they offer ‘door solutions’. They even claim to be “the global leader in door opening solutions”.


(I kid you not; see here and here.)

Note – Nothing on any of the ASSA fleet of websites indicates how resilient their current products are to the efforts of robots, zombies, robot zombies, or lock-picking pixies… so be warned and do keep a shotgun handy.

Posted by Tim Ireland at December 19, 2008

Category: Consume!

I hope Debenhams release Santa from his contract before Christmas Eve, or there are going to be lots of disappointed boys and girls around the world.

Posted by Tim Ireland at November 18, 2008

Category: Consume!

KFCI had one of those odd karmic moments this morning; it occurred to me for the nth time that in these glorious days of lost laptops and missing memory sticks, many items are left/discovered on trains, and perhaps when travelling to London on Waterloo-terminating trains, I shouldn’t be making a beeline straight for the Underground, but instead taking the time to have a quick stroll through the train, just to see if there’s anything interesting that’s been left behind.

After all, a habit* I picked up from my nightclub days has me seeing (and keeping!) more spare change than all of my kids combined; why not extend this into keeping a sharp eye out for lost and abandoned data on terminating trains?

[*Nightclubs are busy and dark, people are usually drunk, and they drop money everywhere. I don’t walk everywhere with my head down, but I do generally scan the area 5-6 steps ahead of me, and over time I’m become aware of typical ‘hot zones’ where people are more likely to shed cash. And I hate to brag, but the abilities I’ve inherited from my hunting and gathering ancestors include something approaching super-vision. Browsing through a mostly empty 10-12 carriage train should be a doddle, and I expect to meet the clean-up crew moving in the opposite direction about halfway through the job most days anyway.]

So this morning I tried it with a test scan through maybe half a dozen carriages and walked away with…. a free copy of The Guardian, The Daily Telegraph, The Scum and The Times.

Oh well.

So, off to the Underground I went, a little disheartened and doubtful about my plan, until I saw what some twit had thrown on the litter pile at the top of the escalators; comprehensive (and current) product marketing documents for Yum!-owned fast food chain KFC (aka Kentucky Fried Chicken).

Hardly top-secret government data proving that David Icke was right about the Windsor Saxe-Coburg and Gotha Xikfagorrrr family being shape-shifting lizards after all, but the documents do contain the roll-out and marketing plans for several recent and current products/campaigns, including details such as sales forecasts, profit margins and marketing coverage.

(It probably won’t surprise you that KFC bases most of its TV expenditure on the ‘lifeboat’ principle; women and children first! Instead of wasting their breath on primitive ‘pester power’, children are now expected to express their ‘concern’ about poor old Mum and all that cooking and washing up she’s normally expected to do. The perfect solution is, of course, the Big Night In bucket of chicken. That’s not to say that KFC don’t have plans for the ‘sad loner eating at a trough’ market; the Boneless Banquet for One offers ample comfort to recently-divorced men living in bedsits, and the taste sensation of the Flavour Station offers a far safer type of variety than the one they were seeking when the now-former missus caught on to their ‘working late’ shenanigans.)

Now, before you get too excited, I need to point out that the documents do not contain details of the ‘famously’ ‘secret’ “multi-million dollar recipe” of 11 herbs and spices (which is, according to the book Big Secrets, a mix of “salt, pepper and MSG” and… erm, that’s about it).

But they do provide insight into the following new product, currently being tested in Scotland prior to its national launch in early 2009; KFC Paninis (or, as they are referred to throughout the main document; KFC Panini’s).

[MINI-UPDATE – I have just been informed that ‘panino’ is the name of this type of sandwich, and that and ‘panini’ is the plural of ‘panino’; therefore my mindless repeat of paninis is just as unforgivable as the sin of panini’s. I throw myself at the mercy of the International Court of Pedantry.]


KFC Paninis: their saucy secrets revealed!

As you can see from this b3ta chatter and this scan of KFC’s marketing material, the KFC Panini is branded as a “luxurious” item (a “gourmet sandwich” with a “classic Italian taste”) and there are two varieties; the Italian Chicken Panini and the Spicy Chicken Panini.

As you might expect from a chain with strict adherence to the formula of 11 herbs and spices salt, pepper and MSG for their chicken, the secret is in the sauce…. and here, exclusively on Bloggerheads, I am going to reveal the strict preparation guidelines for the sauces for both of these gourmet sandwiches:

Italian Chicken Panini

Below is a scan showing the preparation guidelines for the sauce in this “gourmet sandwich” with a “classic Italian taste”:

Secrets of the KFC Italian Panini revealed!

Spicy Chicken Panini

Below is a scan showing the preparation guidelines for the sauce in this “gourmet sandwich” with a “classic Italian taste”:

Secrets of the KFC Spicy Panini revealed!

(There is probably a reason why these details are secret, so don’t tell too many people, please.)

Posted by Tim Ireland at October 28, 2008

Category: Consume!

I want to make time to go and see Daniel in ZERO; “an explosive and anarchic stare at the ethics of torture, and the curse of censorship”.

If anyone wants to come along and make a thing of it, do drop me a line. The available dates in London are:

11th – 29th Nov: Tristan Bates Theatre, London

1. Justin McKeating – Say ‘no’ to 42 days.: The House of Lords debates 42 days today and is expected to vote against it, but with the Prime Minister still insisting that he will push through the 42-day proposals, [Amnesty International] will keep on campaigning until it’s defeated once and for all.

Sign the petition. Pass it on.

2. AlertNet – 12 New Stomach-Turning Revelations About Sarah Palin: Palin has taken to smearing Obama. But it’s her own record that continues to yield alarming information, undermining her skills and credibility.

3. Web user makes his views known on the fine body work done by Import Image / iDesign in Walnut, CA. (Ta to Lawrence for the link.)

4. Telegraph – Alisher Usmanov to drop interest in Arsenal takeover: Arsenal shareholder Alisher Usmanov has been advised not to go ahead with a takeover of the club and is reportedly ready to sell his shares.

(Psst! We were chatting at the table the other night when Usmanov’s name came up. The youngest griglet asked who he was, and a certain 10-year-old was heard to reply; “He’s Dad’s Russian arch-nemesis.” I was impressed by the correct and necessary use of a modifier more than anything.)

5. Birmingham: It’s Not Shit – Ten things we found out at the Tory Party Conference: …it became obvious that Nadine [Dorries] didn’t really like blogging (apart from the way that it got her comments straight to the diarists of newspapers), and didn’t really do it anyway – she emails the “blogs” that are part of her “online diary” to a guy who does her website…

Posted by Tim Ireland at October 9, 2008

Category: Consume!, Video

… unless of course you take the time to reach out to them as fellow adults innerested in producing the best old-fayshoned hamburgers inna binness:

Wendy’s “Grill Skills” 1989 training video (1 of 2) (via)
(NSFV= Not Safe For Vegetarians)

Those of you in a hurry might want to skip forward to 3:30 onwards, when the hamburger totally hangs over the side of the bun.

Part two of this awesome corporate education film can be found here in Grill Skills II: Redneck Boogaloo

Posted by Tim Ireland at October 6, 2008

Category: Christ..., Consume!, Gordon Brown, Search Engine Optimisation, Updates, US Presidential Election 2008

1. Peter Mandelson: It must be a big tent if it’s got room for this clown in it. The Sun managed to amuse by taking this corrupt individual and essentially saying with their Saturday headline (“I’m Behind You”) that your main concern should be that he might bum you when you’re not looking. For reactions to the reshuffle and other local developments in the past few days, see Septicisle.

2. Sarah Palin: Now that the VP debate is over and I have a few moments, I’d just like to say that I find it enormously comforting to know that when the chips are down and a crisis is at hand, when she is called upon to do her best, that Sarah can, when given a week of preparation, studying and coaching, bluff her way through. Boldly. (Psst! To be filed under ‘Inches, Yards & Miles’: The question “Can I call you Joe?” asked by the woman who knows she has “Say it ain’t so, Joe!” already lined up as her solid-gold zinger. You may also want to have a peek at this manifestation of the Comparing Candidates meme.)

3. Moult-Watch: The first Yahoo Image results appeared late on Friday, and MrTrilby wins a prize from the shelf! (Sorry, Ciarin. Close, but no banana. You must be heartbroken after all the effort you put into your picture.)

4. Prizes! So the following people get their choice of prize from the prize shelf and – somewhat crucially – they get to choose their prize from this selection in the following order:

– ‘Kate’ who contributes under comments here and elsewhere (and has already been notified, just in case you’re wondering if this is you) wins first pick – ever! – from the prize shelf, for her stoicism in the face of disappointment (she received an over-hyped ‘prize pack’ from Iain that was, in her words, “a massive let-down”) and for unknowingly and unjustly being the target of some rather ungentlemanly conduct from Paul ‘Guido Fawkes’ Staines.

(‘Kate’ happens to share a name with my wife, and this post is the only mention of that on this blog since… well, maybe one mention a long time before OTT right-wing idiots like Chambers, Staines and Hendren made it a good idea to keep even that basic level of information to yourself. In short, Paul revealed a creepy level of interest in my private life and a striking level of paranoia… while taking a rare break from calling me a paranoid stalker.)

Jim Barter, who scored the first relevant Julie Moult search result in Live Search

Beau Bo D’Or, who revealed under that same post that he had taken control of a top Google Images result for variations of ‘the daily mail’

– MrTrilby, who scored the first relevant Julie Moult result in Yahoo Images (see above).

Google is still distracted by the profile noise at b3ta (a href=””>more), but this delay can only make the eventual victory of true relevance that much sweeter.

With luck, we’ll be able to return to the prize shelf within a few weeks.

5. Big prize! The winner of the SEO Seminar free ticket giveaway is…..

(drum roll)

Mat Bowles

MatGB calmly, karmicly and comprehensively ticked all the boxes by:

– Having great potential on the SEO development/use front
– Refusing to beg
– Showing not one but many useful networking connections that started with a search result. (I won’t go into details here, because there’s at least one stalker reading this, and this post goes out in the middle of a weekday afternoon, so he’s probably drunk, too.)
– Pointing out that he had already converted to my religion years ago.

It’s a busy week as I do my final prep for the seminar, but if Kate, Jim, BBD and Mat would care to check in via email, I’ll get prizes out to recipients ASAP.

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